Tuesday, May 19, 2009
For some reason I sleepwalked through today. Was grumpy and dazed as if I'd just awakened--against my will--throughout the entire day. Not much happened; washed an inordinate amount of dishes, contemplated cooking dinner, fell asleep, woke up, thought I was about to starve to death, fixed a plate, fought falling asleep again. I don't feel any particular way about my lack of doing anything, as I'm pretty sure I consumed few enough calories to create a deficit. Not sure why I didn't eat today; I just didn't.
Eh...I guess it was just one of those days. As I mentioned, I didn't feel any kind of way about it. All I felt compelled to do was nothing.
Oh. As for yesterday, I did take pre-challenge pictures; I (think I) mentioned that I wouldn't attempt to take daily pictures this time, but I did decide to do a before and after for the sake of effect. I'll probably take them every two weeks or so, or at least every time I change levels on the Shred. Once I upload them I'll post them on Monday's blog.
5/18 - 200SU (W3C3D1) - 34; C25K (W1D1) - 515 => TOTAL: 549
5/19 - (off)
Tomorrow's a new day, and I suppose a blessing in disguise as I'll have an early morning. If anything it'll force me up and out, which will hopefully recreate a regimented schedule. Looking forward to a more productive Day 10...
**EDIT: I just (as of 3:37 pm, 5/20/09) uploaded my before pictures, and...I lied. I don't think I will post them here--at least not yet--but I will continue taking them and posting them on my motivation wall. I'll probably just make a progress collage at the end and post it then.
Monday, May 18, 2009
So I just experienced my first gain on this journey. Probably because in the past when I felt I'd gained I'd just hold off on weighing myself until a more suitable occasion, sometimes for weeks at a time, but still. Even during the holidays I maintained. I've always been able to stave off the dreaded regain, and every time I stepped on the scale I would think about how blessed I was to have had such success on a relatively pain-free weight loss journey. But not even divine favor spared me from the consequences of the past couple weeks. I'll take it as a lesson learned: I probably could have avoided it, even amidst adverse conditions, had I done *something*--anything--like I told myself I would.
I don't know why I haven't been doing anything, other than the obvious: I flat don't feel like it. What happened to my motivation?? To my consistency? I am looking forward to today's workout (which is why this will be short: so I can hurry up and get to it before I change my mind), but...what happens when it's not Monday anymore...?
Before yesterday, when I *finally* went to the grocery store, my family and I subsisted on KFC and various meat products from the frozen entrees section. Chicken pot pies. Jamaican beef patties (that I don't even like). And most notably, hot wings. I hated every minute of it. Every fiber in my being screamed for something green. But at the time, all there was was what had been bought by those more gainfully employed than I. Which clearly did not include vegetables (or anything else that once grew in soil).
It's a difficult position, one I don't feel like detailing at present lest I become dejected again and lose my current motivation. Focusing on the present and working toward the future for now. As such, I don't think there's even any point in compiling a weekly report, as there's really nothing to report on. My task for this week: DO IT. I think my project between rounds of bike-fixing will be to create a motivation wall. I already have this article ( abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessNews/s
tory?id=7560133&page=1 ) that I found inspiring with respect to the Two Hundred Situps program. I think I'm going to get that and some Shred before and afters and stick them on a bulletin board.
5/18 - 200SU (W3C3D1) - 34; C25K (W1D1) - 515;
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
As enthralled as I get with "The Biggest Loser," I have to say I think I'm glad it's over (especially considering the results, but that's a whole other conversation)! When it's on, I'm hypnotized until it goes off, and I get absolutely. Nothing. Done.
In addition to being glued to NBC.com and searching for a message board on which to rant about how Tara was robbed (a travesty I tell you!), I was nursing a headache for pretty much the entire day. Though it was probably a result of having stared at some screen or another for ten hours straight, it was enough to keep me from doing the dishes and getting out to the grocery store as well. So to my credit, fitness isn't the only thing that suffered. I actually had my workout clothes on all day and planned to have at it after the finale until I figured I'd be better off starting fresh in the morning with a good night's sleep (something I haven't had in quite some time). Awakening after 11:30 this morning was *not* a good look, so I think I'll take this opportunity to re-establish a more favorable schedule.
Today, though, my TBL obsession wasn't entirely in vain. I missed last week's show in favor of a Cinco de Mayo celebration, so today was the first chance I got to watch it. When I say I boohooed as though I were at that marathon...I've always been for Team Tara, but that girl is absolutely unbelievable. Here I am, her age, having never crossed the 200-pound mark, yet struggling to convince myself that I'm not a fat loser for not beasting through a 5K in 30 minutes. Afraid to make another attempt in the event that I might prove myself right. Then we have a person who was almost *300* pounds and stumbled onto an amazing opportunity with nothing but a total lack of discipline and self esteem. Someone who, by sheer will and determination alone, surpassed every imaginable obstacle, ultimately completing a *MARATHON*.
I can so do this.
I'm determined to exceed my own expectations. Miss Tara has been my inspiration since I first saw her; I only wish I were more like her. She said something like she couldn't leave the ranch knowing she didn't give it 100%. I realized long ago I've never given *anything* 100%--I'm just entirely too afraid to fail. Thus far, 85% or so has been sufficient; I'm blessed in that even my mediocrity surpasses the standard in most realms (most notably academic ones). There are so many things that I love or by which I am simply intrigued but won't touch, at least in a public arena, lest I not dominate it on the first try. And I'm a far, far cry from a natural athlete.
I mentioned yesterday that the support system SparkPeople provides has been integral to my success thus far. Thinking about Tara and all the things I want to accomplish and *be* lent itself to those negative voices that seem to inevitably crop up whenever I'm suddenly struck by motivation. This time, though, the voices were familiar. I realized that much of my thinking wasn't merely a manifestation of my personality; it was the mentality that has likely been reinforced throughout my entire life.
I won't go into immense detail here, but I've been toying with the idea of completing a triathlon and, more recently, entering fitness competitions. When I mentioned these ideas to my mom, her response was "Most of those people are athletes." As if the idea of me becoming one was a physical impossibility. I wish she watched TBL with me so she can see what people are capable of once they overcome their own perceptions, but it's always been that way regarding everything non-academic. I've hindered myself in my musical expression, something I'm exceedingly passionate about, because my dad told once me I'm not a singer. Right now I'm sitting at home unemployed, entertaining the idea that I'll never enter a career in marketing, because my dad insinuated that I don't have the tenacity for it. I know they don't mean any harm--after all, people can only pass along what they know--but I'm tired. I'm twenty-five years old, and I haven't done *anything*, despite wanting to, out of fear that I can't.
I love the fact that SparkPeople doesn't mind my idealism. That they support my personal belief that anything is possible--or at least plausible--with a little perseverance. Being a part of a community where strangers will encourage me to go ahead and sign up for that triathlon is so different from what I'm used to; I only wish it were "real life." *shrugs* Until I do land that job and move out this is the hand I've been dealt; all I can do is play it intelligently. If I've learned anything in my short lifetime, it's that my parents are generally the type of people who have to be proved wrong. Now to work on convincing myself...
5/11 - W1D1 ; 200SU  => TOTAL: 564
5/12 - (off)
Right now the plan is to pick up today's workout first thing in the morning and push everything back a day. Prayerfully I'll have the mental fortitude to use today's inspiration to push beyond the fear and doubt.
Here's to Day 3...
Monday, May 11, 2009
I am so ready to say goodbye to this Purdue weight (five more pounds!), to this "overweight" BMI range, to these unfinished commitments that it's unreal. I don't know what happened to days 87-95 in the last challenge; all I can recall is waking up several mornings with excuses that I was ashamed to make even to myself. The fact of the matter is that I just didn't feel like committing to slow-and-steady. To be honest, I still don't. But I am at the point where I'm tired. Twenty-five and tired. I have no intention to spend my entire twenty-fifth year where I am now.
I'm a perfectionist, among other things. I tend to beat myself up quite a bit if I'm not where I think I should be *now*--which is exactly what happened on my birthday, only magnified by hormones (ladies know what I mean), isolation, and mental idleness. That's why weight loss, at least in the past, has been so difficult for me; I get so frustrated with *still* being fat after about a week's worth of commitment that I just give up. This SparkPeople stint has by and large been the longest I've ever consistently maintained (mostly) healthy habits. (Now I've consistently maintained *several* programs for practically my entire life; I've been "on a diet" since I was twelve, but that's another conversation altogether.) For whatever reason, I was able to just do it--and keep doing it--without realizing (or caring, for that matter) whether it was working until someone else pointed it out.
Up to this point I'd attributed it to the community. Trust me, I've tried everything else, even calorie-counting and recording all my consumption. (That's another thing about me: I can be one determined, goal-oriented little bugger when I want to be.) But not even a food journal made the long-lasting change for me. The x-factor here is the one element I've never had in any of my prior endeavors: support.
I wasn't necessarily trying to go off on this tangent, lol...but the last "challenge," in all its fragmented shame, definitely showed me that despite my successes thus far, old habits definitely die hard. SparkPeople, as great as it is, can't make all the changes for me. For the final stretch, I'm going to have to--I'm *determined* to--turn this thing around once and for all. Yes, I'm tired. Tired of dreaming about my ideal body as if there (in my dreams, that is) is the only place it's attainable. Tired enough to prove even myself wrong and make it a reality.
I formulated this challenge a couple weeks ago when I came upon One Hundred Pushups and Two Hundred Situps and, at the time, I wished I didn't have the first one lingering so I could have started this one immediately. (In hindsight, I probably should have done just that; a procrastinator-perfectionist like me has to take inspiration as it comes.) A notable addition, though, was a purpose. I think the constant reminder of *why* I'm doing this combined with the support of fellow Sparkers is making the difference in my approach to this challenge.
Details are as follows:
5/11 - W1D1 ; 200SU 
I don't think I'll be posting pictures this time, but I will be weighing in regularly (maybe every week instead of every two weeks for accountability) and posting my daily workouts. Even if I don't follow The Schedule, I will do my best to do *something*. No excuse not to do ten minutes of kickboxing (or twenty minutes of Shredding, for that matter).
I just decided that I *will* weigh in every week, just to break my progress into more manageable segments. I've noticed I tend to get overwhelmed when a whole month's worth of workouts is listed and I fall short, which in turn discourages me, which in turn prompts me to feel I've failed and quit as per my aforementioned perfectionist personality. Besides, weekly weigh-ins make more sense, as I'm tallying caloric expenditure by the week. I'll consider each Sunday (since it is, after all, my off day) a "refresher" during which I'll do weekly reports and evaluate what worked and what I will do better the next week. So I need you guys' help...if you read these, I'd greatly appreciate your commentary, whatever it may be. Just knowing I'm being observed makes me feel all the more accountable, and, as I mentioned, the support has made all the difference on this journey.
Ready or not, here goes Day 1...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Yeah, I spent the better part of today freaking out. A familiar, yet unwelcome, sensation usually brought about by procrastination, taking on too much, or some combination of the two. The combo was today's flavor.
I've been putting off both housework and applying for a fellowship for days and, admittedly, have been using getting back on the fitness bandwagon as an avenue to excuse myself. Now the deadline for the fellowship is around the corner, I'm getting outside pressure regarding the housework, and I had church service tonight. (Wednesdays and Fridays tend to be particularly stressful for that very reason; I'm overwhelmed with everything I *have* to finish and the limited time to do so before I have to relinquish the remainder of my day. A trick of the enemy to be sure, but that's another topic altogether.)
Needless to say, with *everything* being put off, I've been arguing with myself all day whether to workout or attempt to get something "important" done, which, of course, resulted in an abundance of nothingness. While I did go to church (myself and I argued for about an hour whether to run beforehand and risk being late, or afterward and risk being too tired; thus far I've done neither), I went an hour late.
So, yet again, I'm starting over. But if I've learned anything in this journey, it's to start over *every* day. That you (or at least I) can only anticipate--and manipulate--one day's challenges and triumphs. That re-realization offered me some relief from the grief. I don't feel I've failed; I believe I just learned where I am and where progress is to be made. For the remainder of my "challenge," I'll take things one day at a time. Do my best to adhere to The Schedule as my mind and body allow. Make responsible choices with what I'm given, and, perhaps most importantly, reject the doubt, the fear, the negativity, and any other inhibitive influences that aren't of God.
I'm already excited for the next challenge, but...one day at a time.
4/27 - (off)
4/28 - rebounding (51 min) , 100PU ; 30DS  => TOTAL [daily/overall]: 739/739
4/29 - (off)
Yes, I removed The Schedule for the remainder of the program, primarily because I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Thus far I think I'll probably just proceed as planned, but...I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Oh, and I'm sore as all get out, in case you were wondering, lol. The Shred and I have a love/hate relationship; after about a week or so it's all love, but the first day, especially after a long break, is a BEAST. That's motivation if nothing else; I never want to have to "start over" from what may as well be scratch again. So I'm plugging along as quickly as my stiffened extremities will permit. (:
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