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NO_SILENCE's Recent Blog Entries
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Saturday, February 02, 2013
Again, a pause at my weight loss... It's Week-17 and I am at 90 kg (198 Ibs), which is for me an excellent progress. That means I lost a total of 15 kg (33 Ibs) so far. I'm pretty happy about that. But for the past 3 weeks I just can't go lower on the scale. I know that scale tells only a part of the story. I will take my other measurements a week later. Maybe they will show me something else... That's what I hope, at least...
I try to learn more about being healthy every day. Now I upped my calorie intake to 1200-1300 a day, I think it is way more healthier than 800-900 cal a day... I was being stupid about food, almost started to starving myself again... But I pulled myself together before doing damage to myself like that again. I'm more careful and determined about my workouts and especially my post workout meals. I'm focusing on getting my nutrients. Lately I've been eating some sweets but I don't feel bad about them because they all were in moderation :)
I was logging in my food everyday but I stopped that. Because I realized that when I do, it triggers something in me. And it leads to not wanting to eat. So I'm staying away from that area for now. Sometimes I track my food just to make sure I'm getting enough cals-protein-fat-carbs. Other than that I know what and how much to eat. It somehow feels more relaxing... I don't know, maybe I'm just weird... which is more likely...
Today we are going to get our dog back! He was sick and we had to give him to an animal center. This center is great. They train and take care of dogs, they have a very nice doctor, and the place is so beautiful. Yesterday they called us to say that our dog, Kang, was all better now :) It's been more than a month, we missed him soooo much. Today we'll pick him up from the center and bring him back to home and give him the biggest family hug ever :))
I started another life changing experience this month. It was laser treatment for my skin. I had very deep scars on my face for years. And all my life people made fun of me because of them. Now I'm changing that too. I got my first session a week ago and yes, it hurt a lot. And yes, my face looked horrible for a few days. But now I can see small changes and it makes me happy. We are going to do this for a year every month. I have high hopes about this :)
That's all for now. I hope everyone is having a great weekend :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Today is new, today is different... Like it should be each and every day. It eases all the pain from yesterday, from all my past... The daylight makes it bearable to open my eyes and come across with my ghosts. My fears that belong to the dark night become so pointless. Everything is lost and found at the same time...
Actually it is wrong to blame a time of a day because sometimes it is the other way around. I hide from the morning and wait for the night to come and hug me with all its darkness. When everyone is asleep and I'm left with the void or the conflict in my head, there is an inevitable truth out there. There is a whispering and a screaming and they all say the same thing: "You are alive"...
The distinction is that I welcome that truth now. I find joy at the fact that I'm alive and have endless opportunities in front of me. I'm happy that I have chances in life because I know that some people don't have any. I know how it feels... Once I had been drowning at the bottom of the ocean, I could feel that I was giving up and it hurt. But at the same time I always knew I was more. When I least expected, I remembered that I knew how to swim and that I don't have to drown. I had a choice and that changed everything...
From that moment on I'm floating on the surface of that ocean. I will always remind myself that I can breath and that I will still be alive. I will keep reminding myself that it is OK, everything will be OK... It's not the best but it's better. I can sense that my life will bring me happy days. And as long as I have options I will always choose a way that leads to serenity. I will always choose to live...
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
So, I'm stuck at 95 kg :( It's really frustrating but I manage to keep myself calm. I always stop losing weight on my second and third month, I have no idea why but it has always been like that. It's almost like my body is testing me, wanting to see if I'll just give up so soon again... It's quite funny actually! Because everybody is waiting for me to fail...
As I started to begin this journey, nobody thought I was serious. They were like; "Oh, it will be one of those 1 week diets again. You'll end up eating a lot more...again". But I closed my ears and just smiled at them. As I continued my diet and began to lose weight, I noticed that people started to get uncomfortable... They started to say things like I was eating healthy way too much (what is that suppose to mean, really!), that I was eating too little, that one burger wouldn't hurt... They actually got mad at me because I was eating healthy! They started making or bringing cakes, cookies, foods that I used to love... That ended up with them eating the whole thing and me getting one bite or none. Simply I just refused whatever they offered me to eat. My mother once tried to shove fried food in my mouth! Of course I manage to escape from her and the rest of the people that were trying to pull me down. I just don't understand why people are comfortable with you being fat but get super nervous when you start to change yourself!
It's already very hard to change your eating habits. It gets harder to walk past your favourite foods and grab an apple instead... It's so hard to stay positive all the time. And then there are these people... I hated myself for my entire life because of them and that wasn't enough!? Do they want my flesh or something, I don't know! Humans are always greedy and brutal I say! I know that fact, but it always annoys me when I see that some people find happiness through others' sadness... This is never okay...
So, come on! Hit me with all you got! I may fall down but you will see me getting up and ready to fight every single time! You don't know how determined I am this time. So, no, I will not eat like I used to eat. I will get my ass up from the couch and do my best on my work-outs. I will not sit all day and feel sorry for myself. I have been no one for too long... But not anymore... I believe in myself and that's enough! You will not take this away from me...
To anyone out there who is struggling, STAY STRONG! We can do this! This is where life starts to get better...
Thursday, November 08, 2012
I'm back again with a fresh start! It's been more than 6 months since I posted one of these blogs...sooo let's see what happened until now...
Well first, I gained the little weight that I've lost and was again 105 kg (231 pounds). It wasn't my heaviest but still it was pretty heavy. It was like I stopped caring how big I was and I was constantly eating everything I could find. I didn't look at the mirror, I didn't go out, I didn't even shower that much to be honest... I was disappointed because I didn't have the life I wanted. And I saw other people; laughing, loving, having fun, enjoying their lives...I hated myself and everyone... I was depressed like hell and it was killing me...
One day I was eating like a cow as usual :P A huge breakfast, a huge Burger King dinner (like 2 menus :/ )... After I ate like 6-7 donuts I went to bed to sleep. My stomach was in pain, my skin was in pain due to the extreme eating. I just prayed, prayed and prayed to God to take my life that night. I didn't want to live but I didn't want the sin of suicide. So I just prayed... Please God, kill me softly as I sleep...
I woke up next morning with something different in me. I was still here on Earth and still in this fat messed up body... I was still in this chaotic house, I still had scars on my face, my feet were still too big... I still had my flaws, my insecurities, my problems... Everything was the same yet there was a difference...
I prayed for death but I was given a gift instead... God would have killed me just like that, but didn't. So I was important like everyone else. I was here for a reason. I was still alive to do something, to change something... I could change myself if I wanted no matter how hard it is! I didn't know what happened to me but I felt stronger! I thanked God for not taking my life and giving me a second chance... And I decided to be healthier for good...
That was almost a month ago so I'm just at the beginning of my journey. I know it is not easy and I know losing weight cannot change everything in a person's life. But I also know it will lead to a lot of good things... I will change this body! I will be healthy and fit!
So now my weight is 97 kg(213 pounds), it really is a great start! I didn't even started exercising yet but I will start next week. I feel really good this time like I will make something that I have never done before...you know that feeling right?
So to the people out there who is struggling with weight issues; just stay strong! Our days will come! I hope everyone is doing great on their journey :D
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