Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Recently, I read a post on a message board, in which a woman wondered whether she was having a midlife crisis. I read through her post and realized that her feelings of despair stemmed from the fact that she believed she hadn't accomplished anything significant in her life, and as a result, felt unremarkable and ordinary. She lamented that when she died, she would die with no legacy, because she never did anything of importance.
Many people responded to commiserate and express similar feelings, which made this thread even more tragic. I HAD to add my perspective. I told her to stop thinking so much about things she didn't like, and didn't want; and to start thinking about things she liked and wanted instead, and focus on those things as her goals.
She replied back that she had no goals because doing so leads to discouragement. Another common problem!
Worry is a form of negative visualization. Do NOT engage in it. When you start doing it, STOP, and instead visualize the most positive scenario possible, such as how it would feel to achieve a lifelong goal of some sort. Visualize yourself finishing a race, winning an award, playing an instrument, or climbing a mountain.
The best years of your life are still ahead of you. You have only achieved a small fraction of all the wonderful things that are possible for you. There is abundant JOY in your future. You have complete control of your thoughts, use them to your benefit and stop using them to your anguish.
Sadly, people engage in many self-nullifying beliefs and verbalizations. What should we be doing instead? Stop thinking about failures and weaknesses. We all have them. Think and speak only of success and positive achievement.
The fact is you have more goals than you acknowledge and you are overwhelmingly successful at achieving them. For example, one of your goals today was to visit this website read things that interested you. Every time you get in your car, it is a 100% deliberate act to achieve some sort of goal to go somewhere and do something - you don't end up driving your car down a highway by accident; you plan it. Almost everything you do during the course of your day happens because you thought about doing it first, and consciously or unconsciously began moving toward that goal. I would suggest that you consciously formulate bigger and more important goals.
If I could suggest one thing to you it would be to think about what you want in life and write it down. Write it down every day, because the very act of thinking about your goals will make them clearer to you, and they will change and evolve quickly. This simple act will give you focus and direction. Just thinking about what you want makes you more likely to get it - if you don't believe me, just start thinking about what you feel like eating today.
Thinking about what you want is not only the fastest way to make it happen, it is the ONLY way. Every single building and highway in existence today once existed only as a thought in someones mind. They exist because somebody thought about them, wrote down their thoughts, talked about them, and gradually developed the clarity and network it took for them to be built. Every human achievement from marriage to the great pyramids to landing on the moon happened because someone first thought about it, then continued to think about it until it came to pass. And know what else? Every single CEO at the top of her/his career today was once at the BOTTOM. At one time they were NOT EVEN IN THAT FIELD, because before they entered the workforce they were children!
Don't spend one single moment thinking or talking about things you don't like or don't want. NEVER visualize yourself failing in the future, and never dwell on past mistakes. You DO have goals, think about them and write them down.
Monday, August 08, 2011
I got straight As in summer school (gasp).
My english teach said I had the best research paper and presentation in the class- she LOVED my topic on the overprescription of SSRIs, and all my horrifying statistical evidence.
I'm registered for my FINAL courses: math, and a "dummy" class, film appreciation. The dummy class was because I needed a class to satisfy the art/humanities requirement, and I couldn't bear the thought of that ghastly art history class (withdrew from it once already). I also didn't want another writing intensive class, like ethics or literature or religion, while I was taking math.
I'm peeved that I even need another art class, because I already took Intro to Drawing (4 credits, got an A), but later found out it doesn't fulfill the art requirement! And the recently completed "Landscape Drawing" also doesn't!
I also enrolled in my coordinated internship, but because I have over 5 years of verifiable industry experience, there is no real requirement other than PAYMENT for the credit. After fall semester is over I'm done, I graduate.
SO- right now- refocusing on my health! Making appointments for various things: just did my womens annual, looking for an opthalmologist, etc.
Oh, and my 2nd consecutive primary care physician tried to prescribe me SSRIs!!! One week after I research the overprescription of SSRIs, and after I told her that the reason I dumped my last doctor was because she wanted to give me SSRIs. WOW! I am not depressed! We didn't even TALK about depression or anxiety... we talked about menopause, diet and exercise, my skin problems, and my broken toe! I swear, they give out these extremely risky, permanently damaging psychotropic drugs like they're CANDY!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Just let me squeak by.
One day at a time.
No tears. Stay calm. Think POSITIVE and be HAPPY.
This is the last week.
I will make it. I will finish everything, and I will do an excellent job, and get good grades. I will get my As.
The rain will come and next week will be cooler. I will be outside, enjoying life again.
I have time to do this...
I have time to do this...
I have time to do this.
Friday, July 22, 2011
So this week, again, the sadistic teacher tortured me.
This was our last class before finals, and it is clear she does not want to give me an A. She is fighting hard to make me do poorly.
Out of a five hour class, the last one-on-one workshopping opportunity we have, she gave me 10 minutes, and divided the rest of the class between TWO students, almost doing their whole projects FOR them. More swearing, and more personal jabs. Example: looking at my art supplies, she quipped "You have such nice things, NB. The problem is, your work has to be good enough to support that."
Such a lovely lady.
She was angry that I showed up with my project almost finished. Most teachers would be thrilled by that, but she hated it when she saw that I was ahead of schedule. She found fault with my work (based on things that are NOT EVEN PART OF the program criteria) and told me my graphics were not standard or recognizable, when in fact THEY CAME DIRECTLY FROM OUR TEXTBOOK. When I told her this, she replied that she didn't want boring graphics from the 1970s (SHE picked the textbook, not me) and proceeded to demonstrate what she wanted. While I was trying to duplicate it, she told me I was doing it wrong, so I pointed to two examples where she'd done the EXACT SAME THING, and she only became more angry.
At one point she asked me why it was so important to me that I get an A! WTF! Threatening my grade? I said "because there's nothing higher." She laughed, and added "you know, you don't have to have the best drawing to get an A. You just need to be receptive". Meaning: I need to be receptive and if I heard her loud and clear, I have to do every single page over. It will take me ALL WEEKEND, literally. I have to throw away hours and hours worth of beautiful, beautiful work (better than hers, IMO) and do everything just like HER. Everybody in class has a unique drawing style, and she's fine with it. But MINE is unacceptible. Did I mention I have to write a 1500 word research paper by next week TOO? Yes, a six-page research argument for my English class. I had PLANNED to do it this weekend, but because of this lovely woman, I am suddenly WAYYY behind. It's 10:20pm now, I've been up since 4:30 this morning....
Our story continues -
She then ripped a student project from the wall, and destroyed it by scribbling all over it! Who knows whose project it was - it is gone forever now. As she was defacing it, she said to me "even YOU can do better than this" and made disparaging remarks about whoever drew it. What a shame! Someone had clearly put a lot of time and effort into it... I don't know anyone else who would be so disrespectful.
I really don't know how to talk to this woman. I have taken and passed this class at two different schools, and have done this type of work for years now, so I fully expected to do VERY well. When I defended my work by saying "this is how I was taught", she implied that I was a liar... I suppose she meant nobody would teach me to be so bad. Well, not only did it happen, it happened twice. I didn't make it up.
So if I don't draw like her, I'm just wrong. Anyone who doesn't draw like her is wrong. The other students in this class are okay ONLY BECAUSE she can use them to make me look bad, and herself look FAIR.
She also told me I had to use pencil for my drawing, but told the rest of the class the could use any media or mixed media. Hmm, different rules just for ME? Legal issue maybe??
I asked her what she needed for the final. She ignored me. I repeated the question three more times within one minute, sitting about three feet away from her. Finally another student answered, to avoid another one of her outbursts I guess.
She's so full of anger, she snaps pencil leads when she demonstrates drawing. One-right-after-the-other. She sets pencils down on the slanted table, and they start rolling toward the edge. So she picks them up and sets them down HARDER, but doesn't change the angle, so they keep rolling off the edge of the desk. She repeats this behavior multiple times every week, as if persistence will overcome gravity. Nuts!!! Then she slams the pencil down on the table, or throws it on the floor. She's like a ticking time bomb.
A ticking, swearing, cursing time bomb.
One of my classmates walked out after hearing one too many curses I think... she winced and looked over at me right when it happened, then packed her stuff and left.
Lovely teacher didn't answer the email I sent her yesterday. Information I need for my final. I will not call her, as she has asked, because I need documentation for the department head. So tonight I will email him, and he will MAKE HER reply to me via email.
I'm also sending him most of this blog.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Our new built in cabinets are hung totally level... on wonky walls. This is NOT a good look! I'm crestfallen. Our walls, floors and ceiling are all so UN-level, crooked, and bowed, that there is a VERY noticeable sloped look to the brand new cabinets.
We'd have to hang the cabinets on a slope to eliminate this, and make them LOOK level, but of course, that would look awful too, because then the cabinets wouldn't line up flush to eachother. I don't know which would be worse! We have installed gorgeous, heavy, 7" crown moulding too. I think it accentuates the problem.
Now I'm wondering what to do to camouflage the sloping visual line, and all I can think of is some kind of patterned wallpaper to try to create a 'reverse optical illusion'.
I hate wallpaper.
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