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Recent motivation

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I had a colleague on Monday tell me that I'm starting to get heavy. Thanks? I know she meant it kindly but it really stung. That's the first time that I can recall someone actually coming out and saying I look overweight. I'm not...but I'm close enough to the category to warrant being told so.

It hurt to hear, but it really got me back on track. I've worked out every night since Sunday. I plan on continuing to do so (although Friday may be shot, since I have to be at school from 8am-8pm, and I have an hour-long commute).

Here's to getting back into shape!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARRYMAZE 3/23/2013 12:43PM

    maybe she didn't mean it in an ugly way but ouch, that would have hurt. Way to go for turning it around though!


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NOSUGARADDED87 3/21/2013 2:20PM

    Maybe it's just French culture? She's a pretty outspoken person anyway, but I know it was meant as help.

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STEPHANIE302013 3/21/2013 10:16AM

    Unless it's my absolute best friend - no one has any right to comment on my weight - I even have issues with my family saying something. I know she ment well but line crossed! I'm glad you're back on track - you're going to do amazing things!

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EDENZMOM 3/21/2013 9:56AM

    that's not nice!!!
i dislike people like that

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GIANTMICROBE 3/21/2013 7:37AM

    Whoa. That's just not cool. But I guess if it works... I don't know, that's just crazy to me. I mean, I can see if it's a close friend gently pointing it out, that's different... but wow.

At any rate, we're all here for you. I know I am!

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NMSUSTUDENT 3/20/2013 4:54PM

    emoticon emoticon

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My wedding!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Axel and I are now married! July 21 was the date of our official marriage and French celebration. We will be having an American reception later so that I can celebrate wiht my family and friends. It was a gorgeous day, everything turned out perfectly, and the red wine I spilled on my dress came out quickly with some cold water and salt *whew!*

I awoke and weighed myself (just curious) and the scale showed me at 62.5 kg, which is about a 1 lb loss. I'm *completely* fine with that! haha! Then again, after everything I ate Saturday and Sunday, I highly doubt that this 1 lb loss has stuck.

I'm going to share my absolute favorite picture with you all, because it's hilarious:

*Edit* -- So apparently this picture isn't as clear as it was on Facebook. There's a bit of a "cloud" just in front of us. That "cloud" is the combination of several handfuls of rice being tossed at us. I don't know who took this picture, but they got an excellent shot! There is some genuine fear on my face, and I'm pretty sure that there is still rice in my dress.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAKER1009 7/23/2012 7:03AM

You look stunning!!

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LIL_EZZY 7/23/2012 4:28AM


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CLAIREINPARIS 7/23/2012 3:42AM

    Congratulations! emoticon
The second picture is fun... I think it would be worth cropping it though. :)

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Feeling better

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Since my mini-breakdown the other day (see previous blog -- "Self-Consciousness"), I have been quite on the up-and-up. I really believe that a good portion of my negative feelings were due to hormones. However, there is still a part of me that is not comfortable with where I am. I'm working on that, and that's all anyone can ask for.

It certainly helps that while watching models on the catwalk on TV, Axel said, "They're way too thin."

I got a new bike during the massive sales we've had in France lately. The grocery store Cora (like Super Walmart, but bigger-- if you can imagine that) had a particular women's bike on sale for 50% off. Out of the blue, my darling Axel asked me if I would like it. Honestly, I don't go biking much. We already have a man's bike (his), but I don't ride it because I like to be with someone when I go bike riding. He bought it, promising that we'd go biking together.

In addition to having a brand new bike to play with, Axel has kept his promise. I can't go far on the bike because it's uphill in every direction. However, we go riding anyway. He said that it reminded him of when we first met in Gainesville. He used to coax me into getting off the couch and going bike riding with him -- something that I thought was ridiculous during the summer heat waves of Florida. We had tons of fun then, though. What I love about having two bikes now is that it not only benefits my health and his, but it also brings us closer as a couple. Just before the wedding, that's a good thing to have happen!

Speaking of the wedding, I'm getting married in like 3 weeks. How crazy is that?!

I have mentioned before that I tend to gain weight during my time of the month. I also lose it right after. I weighed myself this morning and was at 63.5 kg (about 139 lbs), but I hesitate to put it in the weight tracker because I just weighed myself on Sunday at 64 kg. I'll wait until Friday just before I go to Italy for a week. Then I'll weigh myself when I get back. I plan to lose weight on this vacation, since we'll be doing a lot of walking!

Anywho, I am working like crazy, and should get back to that work. If you have any extra good thoughts, good vibes, transferable good karma, or prayers to send my way, I would appreciate it. I also have meeting with the director of a private Catholic school here, and they need an English teacher. Please wish me luck!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIL_EZZY 7/3/2012 7:33AM

    wow what an exciting time. You should go on how you feel. Don't let the scale dictate to you. You are feeling great thats all that should matter

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Friday, June 29, 2012

Let me begin with this: Perhaps I'm insecure. It's possible. Perhaps I'm suffering from the time-of-the-month side effects. Also possible. Regardless of the cause, I know what the effect was ---

Yesterday, I felt ugly for the first time in a while.

I was wearing my most flattering pair of jeans. I was also wearing one of my least flattering shirts. I could wear a t-shirt from college and look better than I did in this shirt. I have a very small chest and wide hips (in relation), so the shirt is very baggy up top and very tight on the bottom. You could definitely see my muffin top.

I was also sweating like I haven't sweat in ages. It was unusually hot outside yesterday, and although I welcome the warm weather, I was ill-prepared for it. All of this was fine -- I could deal with it -- as long as no one saw me for any length of time. Yes, I went out walking twice pushing the largest stroller known to man (I was babysitting). But when I walk, I walk quickly enough for no one to notice me.

I'm good friends with the parents of the 1-year-old whom I was babysitting. They are awesome people. The dad is really funny, and great to get along with. He came home first, and about a half hour earlier than I expected anyone there. That's all well and good. I was hoping that I could just talk for a little while then leave. I was visibly sweating, there was no breeze, and I looked like a hot mess.

He said we needed to wait until his wife got home, because she was getting the money out of the ATM to pay me. Honestly, I don't need to be paid by these people. I love spending time with their little girl -- speaking English with her, singing to her, teaching her to walk, etc.). But they insist.

None of this is relevant yet, and for that, I apologize, but I wanted to set up the scene. Twenty to thirty minutes after the dad gets home, the mother returns. (Disclaimer -- She is an awesome person, very sweet, incredibly intelligent, etc. I don't want my negative feelings to be attributed to her personally in any way. My feelings are my own, and she has no control over them).

The mother came in, dressed very well in clothes that FIT. She is very slim, even after having a baby. I don't think she gained an ounce during that pregnancy.

The father eventually got onto the subject of his wife feeling like she has fat she wants to get rid of. Don't we all? However, at no point in my life have I ever been as thin as this woman. She's healthy, but very slim. She concurred with her husband, and said she had fat on her hips that she wanted to lose. I was astonished. I explained that I'm much bigger than she is, and noticeably so.

It's a little painful to recount everything, so I won't. Due to the difference in cultures, what they said was entirely appropriate here, but would be considered rude in America. I understand both cultures, so I wasn't as offended as I could have been.

Honestly, I wasn't offended at all. I was just sad. I was sad that this woman feels fat (she's my height, but so tiny!). I was sad that she could wear such simple clothes and look exquisite. I'm sad that after having a baby, she's tinier than I have ever been in my life. I'm sad that she works from 7am to 7pm and still eats and exercises better than I do -- someone who works from home and has nearly unlimited amounts of time and resources to live a healthy life.

Is it me? Am I just failing at what I set out to do?

I honestly haven't felt so disgusting in a very long time.

Today, I feel a little bit better, but I'm still depressed. I ate a much smaller portion than usual yesterday. My fiancÚ cooked supper, but by that point, I was so distraught (seriously) that I didn't care what he made. I was in depressed-eating mode. I had the pasta carbonara and tried to put the day out of my mind.

Today, I resolved to get back on track. I have been exercising pretty regularly lately. I really enjoy my walks now, and am trying to get back into cycling as well (though it's really difficult).

But the pain of yesterday still stings. I felt so hideous...just hideous.

And that's a feeling I never want to have again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISALGB 7/1/2012 7:09PM

    Yes, definately get rid of that shirt!! Make a dust rag from it or something . . . anything. But get rid of it.
Just remember, we are all different - and you are doing what is best for you. You are making healthy choices that will last a life time.
And, as you said, the cultures are different, so you have to take that into consideration. Just choose to be proud of yourself for all that you do.

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DRAGONCHILDE 6/29/2012 10:39AM

    Get rid of the shirt. You don't need to own something that feels that badly, and no amount of thriftiness is worth the feelings it gives you.

You can't compare yourself to her. She's likely blessed with good genetics, and a good start... it's easier to be healthy when you start out that way. Those of us who struggle with weight often don't have the same start. We fight genetics, our parents' upbringing, our own insecurities,

Working from home doesn't mean you have unlimited resources, either; get that idea right out of your head. I work from home, too, and unlike someone who gets to come home and leave work at work, we don't have that luxury. It's always there, and we have to do it with the added burden of taking care of our houses, coupled with the added expectation that we CAN do everything because we don't "work as hard" as someone in a more traditional role.

I struggle with being a bit of a workaholic, whose work is always two feet away, and often can't say no to doing one more thing. I stay unbelievably busy, and motivation is hard to come by.

WE all have our insecurities. My sister in law, who is just the tiniest, most adorable thing in the world, might weigh 110 SOAKING WET complains all the time about her hips. She doesn't like them.

I can't begrudge her that. That's her right. We live our lives bombarded with images of airbrushed perfection telling us what we're supposed to look like to be beautiful.

And I promise you something else: You didn't look as bad as you think you did. WE're always our own worst critic. Let me tell you about my recent experience.

See, I've always had great legs; I was a biker in college, and have always had copious amounts of muscle. Lately though, I've hated my legs. They'd gotten fat, I'd lost all definition to being sedentary, and when I looked down at them, they were all chunky and think and seemed as big as my thighs.

I hated it. I hated shaving, and always wore jeans or long pants because I was embarrassed by them. Then summer came, and I finally broke down and got a good deal on some long shorts (the kind that come just below the knee.) I wore them to the gym, because I had nothing else clean, and it was HOT. In class, I was looking in the mirror, and had to stop.

My calves weren't fat anymore. Stunned, I looked down. They still looked thick and fat to me. But the mirror told me a different story. They were lean... muscular. And looked good.

They still look huge to me in the shower. Even though I know they're not, really.

It's all about perspective. Remember you're close to you. You see things right up close, at a skewed angle, and even when you look in the mirror, you're looking through biased eyes. Are you a runway model? Hell no. (Who'd want to be?) But I guarantee you something: No one else is as close to you as you are. No one else has your perspective. They;re on the outside, looking at the surface, not inside, battling your own insecurities and self-criticism. They don't see you they way you do.

Be kind to yourself. Don't compare yourself to other people. Their lives aren't yours. Their genetics aren't yours. Their support isn't yours. In short: They aren't you. I weigh a good 50 lbs more than you do, and will likely never weigh as little as you do (I'm tall, and at my leanest was 145, and that was a bit too thin for me)... but you know something? I can't compare my body to yours. I know that I'm healthy, and progressing along my path to strength and health.

So here's what you do. Focus on the good things. Don't aim to meet her standard. Aim for setting your own. Work with what YOU have. And remember: you don't have to be perfect to be healthy, and make things better.

Comment edited on: 6/29/2012 10:41:24 AM

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JANETTEB553 6/29/2012 4:13AM

    Also Tear up and throw out the shirt... Jump up and down on it first... Feels good.... emoticon

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JANETTEB553 6/29/2012 4:10AM

    Ahh that is rotten. But think. We are all different.. You are you... You are doing things to change your life.. It does not happen immediately but it does happen.. Keep your chin up... Stop judging yourself against others. You are you and you are doing the best you can.. Tell yourself that... emoticon

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Today is a great day

Monday, June 18, 2012

...and yesterday was, too!

I went on two walks yesterday because I couldn't stand to be cooped up inside a cold house on such a warm (YES WARM!), clear, sunny day. My first walk was 2.5 miles and took me in a circle around the southwest side of my village. I did a bit of jogging while I was on the dirt road where no one can see me. I've gotten a little jiggly lately, and I didn't want to share that with the world emoticon

I got home, made lunch, and was sitting around doing nothing. I told my fiancÚ that I was going for a second walk and invited him along, but he had other things he wanted to do (he is fit and active, but he doesn't like "exercise."). Fine by me! I went for another walk, this time heading north toward the next town, Sommaisne. I didn't realize how far away it was. It ended up being 2.5 miles away, but I was determined to get there. I had GORGEOUS views the whole way there and back, and my iPod was churning out good music. Halfway there, I met a nice couple stopped on the side of the road in a gorgeous antique car. They were taking pictures :)

I walked the 2.5 miles back and met my fiancÚ back at the house. He was surprised and very proud of how far I went. Me too!

That brings me to today.

I didn't *jump* out of bed, per se, but it certainly was a lot easier to get up. Perhaps it was yesterday's exercise, or perhaps it was all the water I drank yesterday, but regardless of the reason, I got up pretty easily this morning.

As a result, I have been very productive this morning. Three loads of laundry done, bedroom dusted and vacuumed, beds made, and dishes washed. I also *FINALLY* finished a jeans-to-denim-skirt sewing project that has been frustrating me for a long time. Even more, I made a fleece dusting mitt and sewed a pretty flower with purple and green thread onto it. It's very cute, and works very well! Even more than that, I went to the town hall to drop off some papers and got the address for the office where I can apply for a position at the new daycare center they're opening up in my village. I don't know if my American diplomas will transfer, but it doesn't hurt to ask!

What a great day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NOSUGARADDED87 6/19/2012 2:12AM

    Thank you, EDENZMOM!

I ended up not exercising yesterday (sadly!) but I will do it today, rain or shine!

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EDENZMOM 6/18/2012 8:31AM

    Good for you!
seems like you are having a really great day. your walks sounds incredible! The weather was beautiful here as well, and we also took advantage. Hope the rest of your week is as productive and as fun

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