NORAKENO   22,555
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How my story begins

Saturday, April 08, 2006

In January 2005, I realized I really didn't like myself anymore. I mean it. I hated the person I had become. Somewhere along the way I lost track of who I was. I no longer recognized myself anymore. I was fat and miserable. I was unhappy and crabby all the time. I was bitter and had nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. I was angry with myself and with the entire world. I felt deep resentment toward my family because for all of my life I had put them before me. I took care of their every want and need and would push my own aside. I was so far down on me that I literally felt like I had fallen down a deep dark well and the walls were closing in little by little, with the dirt trickling down on top of me, covering me, and eventually suffocating me.

A very dear cyber friend had been telling me for two years that I needed to put myself first and start taking care of me or I was going to be of no use to my family. With a daughter still in high school and a husband disabled by diabetes and complications of diabetes coupled with Parkinson's disease, I couldn't do what I really wanted which was to just disappear. I had a granddaughter on the way into this world that I wanted desperately to see.

I realized that I had to put me first so the first part of my way back began. I said "NO MORE". No more would I put others needs before my own. No more would I allow others to make any decisions for me. No more would I think of myself as a total loser with no hope of ever being anything but a big blob of human flesh existing day to day. NO MORE! I was very angry and I fed off of that anger. I laid it all out to my husband and then to my daughters. Somehow, some way I was going to regain control over me.

I realized all of the negative feelings were all tied into being the fat person I had grown to be. Lord, I don't know how in the world I got to be 530 pounds! (Oh, I know I just kept shoveling the food in to cram down the feelings, but when did I lose control of who I was?) I feel like I woke up one morning and was just this angry fat person who lived in misery. It was obvious to me that I had to do something about my weight. And so my journey began.

I had heard of Nutrisystem and knew they had an online program. I logged in and placed my first order not knowing how we were going to pay for it. Boy was my hubby mad! For two months, we managed. After that, I made the decision to proceed with but use my own foods. I had lost 40 pounds by then. I wasn't certain I could do the program solo, but I had to try. I'd come too far to turn back so I vowed to keep on and see what I could do.

When I started out I told myself if I could get 50 pounds off, I'd be okay. That came and went. I figured okay now go for 100. On November 7, 2005 only ten short months later, I had lost 100 pounds! With the help of many cyber friends, my very supportive husband and daughter, and a few other special people I felt like I was finally succeeding. And every day, I grow stronger and more proud of the person I am becoming.

Even after getting rid of 100 pounds, I still feel like a fat blob. I feel unattractive and useless. There is so much I still can't do. But I no longer hate me. I'm starting to like myself again. I am taking care of myself again and know deep down in my soul that I will regain total control over my eating and with that the rest is going to fall into place.

I had to stop the negative self-talk. We all do it. We say "I hope this is the last time I ever have to diet". Well darn it all, why not say "This is the last time I'm going to have to focus on losing weight. This time I am going to make it. I am going to be successful and I am going to keep it off when I get there." It's all about how we talk to ourselves.

I read in a book once that we treat total strangers with more kindness than we afford ourselves. We ARE our own worst enemies. We have to learn to treat others with compassion. We need to look at ourselves with what was termed as 'soft eyes'. Soft eyes are loving, accepting, and encouraging. They are open with love, and reflect an open, loving heart.

Say kind things to yourself. Don't put yourself down anymore. See yourself with soft eyes and I am here to tell you it will make a difference. Prioritize and make time for you and you will find you have time for others.

I have a long way to go before I feel I'll love me again. But, as with weight loss, I'm taking it one step at a time. Some days are harder to get through than others. Some days I slip back into my negative mode and forget to look at the world with soft eyes. I judge, I criticize, I expect the worst. People will fullfill what we believe. It's like the expression "Tell someone they're stupid long enough, they'll believe it and become stupid." Well, tell yourself every day positive things and see if it doesn't make a difference in your life.

I'm fat. I know that. But I also know I'm putting me first now and I'm working on the fat. As the pounds come off, layers of other things are peeling off with it. Someone said in another place I read that they feel so emotional, ripped open in a sense. Well yeah. We are getting rid of what has been a shield, a protector for most of our lives. We're getting rid of the fat. We have to deal with the emotions and feelings to remain successful when we get to goal.

I know I'm going to get there. I know it as surely as I know my name and address. And knowing that, I like myself a little more because I am taking back my life. I'm taking it back one meal, one step, one day at a time. Everyone else can, too!


Start Over

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

If you've started out in pursuit of your goal and you've really tried with your heart and your soul,
but somehow things got out of control - START OVER!

When you've tried your best to do what you should and you thought this time that you surely would,
but once again you didn't do good - START OVER!

When you've worked so hard to follow a dieters way, and you fought to win a victory each day,
But one more time you went astray - START OVER!

When you've tried so hard to yourself to be true, and do the things that you know you should do,
But once again you failed to come through - START OVER!

When the road to success seemed much too long, and each temptation was oh so strong,
And once again you gave in to wrong - START OVER!

When you've told your friends what you planned to do and trusted them to help you through
But soon discovered it's up to YOU - START OVER!

When you know you must be physically fit, but your hope seems gone and you're stuck in a pit,
That's not the time for you to quit - START OVER!

When the week seems long and successes few, and at weigh in time you're feeling blue,
Remember tomorrow is just for you - START OVER!

To start AGAIN means a victory's been won, and starting over AGAIN means a race well run,
And starting over AGAIN proves it can be done, so don't just sit there -- START OVER!!

From one who's done it many, many times - if you're in a rut right now - START OVER!!

(Author Unknown)


Five things I am grateful for today

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Today, the five things I am grateful for are:

*My husband who has been with me and supported me for almost 21 years through so many issues I can't even begin to list them.

**My beautiful daughters, born to someone else but the Lord blessed me with the honor of raising them to be the beautiful, caring, and honorable young ladies they have grown into.

***All of the friends I have made online over the years, at Nutrisystem and at SparkPeople and especially my new sister Teresa who has come into my life and blessed me in so many ways I will never ever be able to repay her.

****The pleasure of having a granddaughter, the honor of being in the delivery room when she was born, and the joys of watching her grow into a little person from birth until my last breath.

*****The knowledge that I did my best today. The joy of touching others lives in a positive way. The ability to love others as much as I now love myself. The privilege of waking up today and seeing it through to it's end.

Naturally, this list of things I'm grateful for could change tomorrow. That's why they are five things I'm grateful for today!


Spring Goals

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Five things I would like to take on as projects this spring:

1-Clean out my closet. Toss all the underwear I wouldn't be caught dead in (note to self...go buy new underwear!). Weed through clothes others have given me and keep what I'll use and get rid of the other things.

2-Clear out the small bedroom and set it up for Ceci to play in and have as her own space. Scrub the walls, paint, and make it pretty for my precious little gal!

3-Scrub my kitchen floor.

4-Hang pictures, shelves, etc on the walls. Make this trailer my home and my own. Stop thinking I'm moving again and unpack and sort through and get rid of the clutter.

5-Get all photos into albums. Make the girls "Life" scrapbooks and give them to them to cherish. Include all the things saved from the day we got them to now and make a pretty chest to put the 'things' in.

Whew! Guess I have a lot to do. Getting started is going to be the fun thing. I need to pick up cleaning supplies, decide what to do with Ceci's room, and come up with a real plan to implement it all. Guess I better copy this to my personal journal so I'll not forget what I want to get done.


I made it!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Today is a GREAT day! I weighed in at 399.5 this morning which puts me under 400 pounds for the first time in at least ten years. This is thanks to the Sparkpeople program and all of the wonderful friends I've made since I joined as well as my many friends across the nation that I've met on the internet. What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment I have today!

I have put a few new photos in my photo album here at Sparkpeople and will be adding photos to my blog ( showing side-by-side shots of my start weight and today so please check them out!

Again, if you want to comment to me, feel free to do so in my community journal here at SP, via email (addy in my profile), or at my blog.

Hugs and love for everyone today! I am SO HAPPY!!!


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