Sunday, October 19, 2008
For quite a while now, like over a year, I have bad days. Days where no matter what, the sun does not shine in my world. They are dark and desolate and I feel so alone. Sounds kind of silly saying that here, where I know I'm NEVER alone. I have so many who check in on me, motivate me, encourage me, and just plain out care about me and how I'm doing. But today is not a good day for me. I feel so lost and I don't know why.
I have walked every day since Tuesday this past week my quarter mile around the track. Today I know I need to go walk. My brain is telling me to walk I'll feel better. My heart just isn't in it today. "I don't want to!" screams my heart. So here I sit in front of the computer. I do know I'm going to the grocery store and today I will not allow myself to take the easy way out and ride on the electric cart. I will walk that store and be glad I did it. Tonight I will be walking from the administration building (where I do the majority of my work) to the homes (where I have to check in and make sure no one is sleeping). It will be a bit chilly here in IL in the middle of the night, but I am going to walk. I vow that right now. I'm not sure of the distance but I think in all it will be at least a quarter mile of walking. I'm also going to turn on the lights in the gym and about every two hours I'm going to get up and go do a lap of walking in the gym. No one else is there to know what I'm doing and I know I'm not going to be able to sit in front of the computer for eight hours so I may as well walk. I'm not feeling all that guilty about not walking today given all of this.
Yesterday I went out for lunch with the hubby. I made what I thought was a good choice. Grilled chicken breast with grilled veggies (green peppers and onions). I left off the potato and bread choices and only ate the above. I don't know if I ate too fast, didn't chew well enough, or something got stuck but man, when I was done (and I only really ate about four bites of the chicken) I had this pain in the middle of my chest. I knew I was in trouble. I've done enough reading to know that. By the time we got to the car, I knew I was in BIG trouble. As I bent down for something I felt like I was going to pass out. Then, it all came right back up. This was my first time vomiting since my gastric bypass surgery. I don't EVER want to repeat that again! (I'm guessing many will say that I will but it's not something I'd want.) Once it was all up and out, I felt fine and life went on as usual. I suppose one could say that was my first ever "dumping" experience. Blah!
I'm going to try to increase my walking to two trips around the path by Wednesday. That's my goal for the week. Oh ... my other goal is get down one more bottle of water per day since I've only been drinking two lately. I found my favorite Walmart brand 'crystal lite' flavor (Cherry Limeade) and that's gonna help since that counts as water. I'll check back to let you know how it goes.