Thursday, January 03, 2008
I am ready to get back at it. I cannot believe I let an entire year (actually two now) go by without doing anything about all this fat. It really saddens me to be no further than I was at the end of 2005. It makes me feel like a big fat failure.
And before you all go on telling me about how I've maintained and that's positive, let me acknowledge that I am in a better place than I was when 2005 started and I weighed 530 pounds. I know that, but it doesn't make me feel much better.
If I had done what I knew worked, I would have been at or near my goal of just under 200 pounds by now. I HAVE to get back to taking care of me. I am working on coming up with a plan that will work for me.
Speaking of work, my transfer to days is on hold yet again. In July I was told to be patient. A new staff had been hired and was supposed to work two day shifts every weekend and two overnight shifts. It ended up she was on days full-time until she quit in November. She was supposed to be pulled down and I was supposed to get her day shift, but it never happened.
Then I was told when another staff retired, I would move to days. Her last day was Dec 31st yet I am still on the overnight schedule. *sigh* And just yesterday before I left work I was told that I was going to have to be patient because she still needs me on nights. Yet, she is pulling someone from the evening shift to work days every single day. There is no justice there and I'm tired of waiting. So I'm searching for a new job. I've had it!
I'm going to work on posting, at the least, an update here weekly. I'll be weighing in on Saturdays. Not exactly the best day for me but I have to pick a day and stick with it.
Wishing all who read a Happy New Year!
Friday, December 07, 2007
No fitness center yesterday. I did loads of walking at three local superstores and the local dollar store. My knees were screaming and I figured I got enough exercise with all the walking. It was a good day and I was happy with the walking I did.
I went to the fitness center this afternoon and there was a buff fit young man (well he was young compared to me in his mid 20s to early 30s) and I just couldn't make myself go in. Had it been a female, I KNOW I would have bit the bullet and went on in. I just couldn't do it with him there. So, my dear hubby made me go to the mall and walk the upper level. UGH!
I doubt I've ever mentioned it but I HATE the mall. I hate the crowds. I hate all the stupid staring kids. I hate all the dumb arse teenagers who run around and think nothing of taking up every place there is to sit and rest and refuse to give it up to an older fat lady. And to go to the mall on a Friday evening, well ... I forgot it was Friday or it NEVER would have happened.
I hated EVERY second we were there. I had to sit down three times to make it through, but I did it. No browsing, just look straight ahead and keep walking. Sweat, push through the throbbing in my front upper thighs, my stiff calves, the jarring in my ankles. Push through, focus on getting through this corridor and move on. I did it, as I knew I would. I mean, you start in one place and HAVE to end up back there in order to get back to your car! No choice. I did it and that's my exercise for today.
Tomorrow, I'll be putting Leslie in and walking my 19 minute mile, or as much of it as I can do. It will be the first time I've done it since surgery last year so it will be interesting to see how much I can do standing up instead of sitting down. Then, I will make another stab at going to the fitness center. I will push myself to go every day and one day I won't care who is there and will just do what I need to do. For now, I'm just not that brave!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
That's the sound of me as I shoveled snow this morning. First, I spent about ten minutes shoveling off the walk at work. Then when it was time for me to come home, I had to clear off my car and then dig it out from the darned snowplows that kept pushing the snow in front of my car through the night. I was pretty darned aggravated about it, let me tell you. I was muttering some not very ladylike things as I spent thirty minutes shoveling!
I got home and told Tim I had already had my exercise for the day and wouldn't need to go to the fitness center. He wasn't having it. He said I have to do ten minutes on the elliptical.
Okay, so Tim and I go over to the fitness center and it was pretty much my worst nightmare come true. There was a twenty-something twig running on one of the treadmills. I was hoping she was near the end of her regimen and sat down on a weight bench to wait. I did not want to embarrass myself in front of her. I know I should just get over it, but it's really hard for me.
Ten minutes go by and she finishes running. She then gets down on the floor and proceeds to do crunches. Meanwhile, Tim has climbed onto the bike and is riding away. I sit.
She gets up and heads toward the stairmaster. Tim has finished riding by now and has sat down beside me. She says hello and I make a comment about not knowing how to use things and not wanting to look stupid as it's my first time there. She said it's her first time there too. I said I was afraid to work out next to a thin young thing and she indicated she doesn't think she's thin. Mind you, this girl was about 5 ft 7 and maybe weighed 120 lbs. Yeah, right!
So I decide I may as well walk on the treadmill as she seems to not be leaving anytime soon. I get on and push start. Nothing really happens. I start to walk, well, I tried. Why is it so hard to walk on a treadmill that whirs and makes you think that walking on it will be easy?
I managed to last about six minutes on there. According to the treadmill I was walking at a rate of about 0.5 miles per hour. In the six minutes I was on there, I walked (if that's what you want to call it) 0.05 mi. PATHETIC! And my arms were hurting more than my legs when I gave up. I felt like I was walking tipped forward and pulling with my arms. I know I had to be doing it all wrong and all I could think of was lil miss twiggy running merrily along. Dang!
I get off and go sit back down on the bench. I do a few stretches and peer at the girl. She has moved from the stairstepper to the elliptical and is happily striding away. I bet that darn contraption never once told her to "stride faster". Darn machine anyways!
She finishes and moves on to the weight machine. At this point, I step onto the elliptical. I managed to eeek out about a minute at 75 strides per minute according to the monitor. It said I burned a whopping six calories. Uh huh! WHATEVER!!! By now, I'm feeling totally frustrated and whipped.
I climb off and decide to stretch a bit more to cool down. The sweat is pouring off me. Twiggy is happy back to doing crunches without a drop of sweat. Dang!
Tim and I head home and all I can think is what a total failure the trip was. I know there are some who will say it wasn't a failed trip, but that's not how I feel. I know that I did six minutes of exercise, if you can call it that. Big freaking deal! I probably burned off more calories shoveling snow before leaving work than I did in that fitness center. Maybe I should just go back to Richard Simmons and walking with Leslie Sansone. At least I used to feel good about my progress with those darn dvd programs. I dunno. I'll probably give it another shot. We'll see.
So ... that's my experience with exercise. You know the line from the movie "A Few Good Men" where Jack Nicholson says to Tom Cruise "You want the truth?" and Tom responds "Yes"? Jack replies to him, "You can't handle the truth!" That's pretty much how I felt. I wanted to know if I could handle a workout in a gym and now I know the truth and I can't handle it.
Tomorrow will be another day.
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