Tuesday, October 09, 2007
The struggle continues, though the acute hunger has now passed. The weight on the scale continues to bounce up and down five to seven pounds each week. Thankfully, it's the same pounds so I haven't really gained anything but it is frustrating.
I'm considering going strictly by what Sparks says for me to eat. Until now, I've been eating what I want, making the healthy choices, and tracking the calories. I'm going to pull up the Spark menus and see what I can live with and go for it. Get paid on Thursday and can then go grocery shopping and lay in what I need. I have to do something and this is as good as anything else.
Also, I go back to my doctor tomorrow. I'll see what she thinks. I know I haven't walked as much I should. It's been so darned hot here in Illinois. Today starts the cool down and then it's going to be really cool for a bit, or so the weather guy says. I'm so ready for a true fall and then into winter. I don't even mind walking in the cold. Hat, mittens, coat ... oh, I need to get a new coat. Mine is three years old and way too big on me this year. That's a good thing!
I'll check back in the next couple days and spill what the doctor thinks. Until then ... the struggle continues. One day at a time and deal with issues as they arise.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Well I had a really terrible day yesterday. I know I'm depressed but this may be my all time low. I wanted to eat. I had an insatiable appetite. I ate breakfast (2 eggs, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, and applesauce) and was still hungry. I had an apple and a cheese stick for a snack. Still hungry. Went to lunch with hubby and had a 1/2 lb burger (never can make myself order the 1/3 lb one!) and a large salad. I only ate the bottom bun. That should have satisfied me. But ... you guessed it! I was still hungry! So I ended up eating the top bun, too!
All day long I battled with wanting to eat more and more. I didn't, but it was definitely a war raging inside me. And I couldn't stay awake. I had plenty of sleep the night before, but for some reason (depression, I'm sure) I continued to doze off in my chair all day long. It was irritating and frustrating.
I finally got around to making homemade lasagna. Forgot to put the spinach down to thaw, so made the whole thing with extra lean ground beef. Ate a normal size portion and was still hungry. Had a second one. Then I had a mini apple pie I had made for dessert. (Got the recipe from Teresa's friend while up in Alaska and they are so good. I used splenda instead of sugar. They are made inside muffin tin cups and are the perfect size.) I managed to eat only one, though I had made ten.
By the time I went to work, the hunger seemed to have subsided and I felt like I was returning to myself once again. I am motivated to do what I can do and the rest is up to the Lord. In all honesty, I do feel like I'm doing everything in my power, but when I re-read what I've written, I wonder if I'm just making excuses once again.
I hated myself yesterday. Today I'm okay with who I am. It's weird to be so out of control. That isn't who I am. It really isn't. On some occasions, I'm even a real control freak!
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