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Forgiving Past Wounds

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Ok Ok here we are again with my mind so full of what I have been experiencing withmy past and my father's actions of late! And of course it's keeping me awake. Just when I thought I had brought closure to it he provokes it all over again! And I have yet another letter to answer! Only this time...................

"I understand the wounds that have not healed within. I've come to realize that they exist because God and love have not yet become real enough to allow me to forgive the dream. I'm still listening to an old alley song that brings me body pain." My Groundhog day!

"Well, that's one way of looking at it", was the way my best friend and mentor responded after I told him about my past and why that meant I was destined to bear this burden I carry. I was confused and infuriated at first! When I shared my story, I felt that it was the truth; there was only ONE way of looking at it. I felt he had not been listening, that he was callous to my emotional pain.
I realize now that I was not able to see that most of my pain was coming from my perspective. The actions of others and my self were in the past, but I have been living with them every moment, as if they were tattooed on my body, which they were, just not visible to the eye. I was actively choosing to hold onto pain as proof or testament to what I had lived through. I was trapped in this survival mentality.

Now instead I try to think, "In what way can I remember my past that will bring me the most options for happiness in the present?Ē This is not wishful thinking; it is taking responsibility for my own happiness.

Waking up and forgiving the dream

When you are unable to forgive the past, you keep living in the hold of that dream of how you wish things had been. You do not want to be awakened. When you are dreaming, you are asleep to the present moment and the contentment and joy it holds for you. "You still listen to an old alley song that brings your body pain" You keep thinking, "This person hurt me,Ē you think, "I am not whole because of how this person hurt me," and your ego thinks that is who you are.

Why would you choose to keep listening to that which brings you pain? Why not attune your ears to a new song, to the highest possibility and to the limitless nature of Spirit?

And ya know

When I stopped dreaming, and awoke to this moment, I took responsibility for my perspective of my past. That is becoming a spiritual adult. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child; I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became an adult, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11). I took responsibility by finding a spiritual practice that healed me, and was accountable to practice itconsistently. You see, I do not need to spend a lot of time reaching into the past to remember "what went wrong" and analyzing it with my mind, trying to remember anymore. Instead, I now focus on a higher activity like self preservation, which will naturally move me towards healing and reconciling the past. (My new tune)

I have found that the best way to douse the flames of disturbed thoughts is by simultaneously stilling the mind through selfĖ discipline while engaging in a higher form of activity. When my heart and mind are overwhelmed by emotions connected to the past, I come here and, surrender my thoughts elsewhere; breathing in the clarity that comes bubbling up like a spring of fresh water.

In this way I have also gained freedom from scapegoats

To be free of painful memories and disappointments for yourself, you have to let others be free of them too. You have to free people from their role in disappointing you. Although this is incredibly strong medicine, it is difficult for the ego to do.

When I look deeply at the people toward whom I hold the most anger, (my scapegoats) I see that I am carrying a lot of remorse for my own behavior towards them as well. I see that I must be willing to feel my own regret and forgive myself, and only then can I release my anger towards them. Where I have felt betrayed, I have betrayed also. Where I have felt hurt, I have hurt also. Where I have felt abandoned, I have abandoned also. This does not apply to children, who are entirely within the power of others. But as we grow up, we often hurt or disappoint in return.

Forgiveness is the best medicine

To forgive the dream and to forgive others, you must be willing to re-experience your suppressed emotions. You must be willing to see who you have been. Some memories from decades ago can still make me cringe, to see the way I acted or reacted. It is not easy to look back and really see who I have been when I was afraid. It is not easy to respond by loving myself unconditionally, like a mother soothing a child.

Forgive your expectations; release your dreams of how you wish the past had been. Release yourself from these old, tired stories. Release others from this bondage also.

Forgiveness exercise

I am willing to see who I have been

I am willing to change

I am willing to see who I truly AM

I am willing to let go and become that

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEELY123 7/26/2008 12:07PM

    That is so honest. I can relate wholly to where you are coming from. It is hard even admitting to some of the pain. Self denial is a real enemy and knowing yourself is the key , I have found that out myself ,as I locked away my pain for 40yrs and now I am facing it and trying to find the real me. We seem as though we are on the same journey. So the steps we take should be together. With the Goonies there with us. It a hard journey but it's a battle worth fighting. The results will be awe-inspiring. Go for it . Hugs Katherine.

Comment edited on: 7/26/2008 12:05:48 PM

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It sounds so intimidating

Friday, July 25, 2008

It sounds so intimidating: The Ten Commandments. If we donít follow them, we are forever damned. Relax. First of all, this is a non-religious course. Iím not about to start preaching God to you. My position on God and my beliefs on the subject are not relevant. This course is not about you believing in something or someone else. It isn't even about believing in me. We are here for you to believe in yourself; to believe in your powers and in your values.

Yes, your values. Remember, I keep talking about rules. You have to develop your own rules. To facilitate this, we will discuss rules for everyone. Itís an interesting thing, the Ten Commandments. They are not scary, and they make sense whether you are religious or not. I looked at the Koran, the Torah and the Bible. I talked with priests, fathers, Rabbis and religious leaders of all kinds. It seems to me that regardless of the religion, the expectations of religion for citizens are similar across the globe; similar to The Ten Commandments.

1. Thou shall not have any other gods before me.

Think of God as Good by adding an ďo.Ē Then think that you wonít put anything in front of what is good.

2. Thou shall not make unto thee any graven image.

3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in Vain.

Hey, I donít have a problem with this. We use profanity too freely. You are what you eat, what you wear, who you hang out with and what you say. We could all do with less profanity, and our children could learn a little more respect. We need to be more careful of the words we speak.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

We can all use a day to rest, be respectful and remember our families and children. We run so fast; we need to remember to slow down and pay attention to the values of life, starting with the family.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

Honor and respect is a two-way street. Thereís nothing wrong with showing respect and with parents, earning that respect. The family should live, and we should honor and respect and earn the respect and honor of every member of our family.

6. Thou shall not kill.

Well, do I need to write anything?

7. Thou shall not commit adultery.


8. Thou shall not steal.


9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

That means do not lie and blame.

10. Thou shall not covet anything that is thy neighborís.

Jealously is a destructive attribute. Thatís one reason why we do the Grateful List.

Listen, Iím not advocating religion. Iím just pointing out that these are not bad things. Early humans didnít have organized courts, legal systems, and police to uphold laws, so there was God. Who is bigger than any person? The Ten Commandments placed civility into the community. There were no schools to teach health, so the Jews and the Muslims were told by their God not to eat pork. At that time, pig meat was diseased, and you could die from it. The books of religion are words that have been written, updated and interpreted by men. However, most of them call for common sense measures to live, and live together.

Religion aside, we need to have rules, and we need to have personal rules by which to live. You need to follow the laws of the land, and you also need to have your own personal rules.

You will not lie to yourself. (I am honest with myself)

You will respect the words you speak.

You will do good and pass good around.

You will be on time.

You will stretch.

You will exercise.

You will drink water.

You will eat correctly.

You will not smoke. (Be healthy)

You will not do drugs. (Be healthy)

You will not drink and drive. (Drive safely)

You will not drink too much. (I take care of myself)

You will have a good attitude.

You will pay attention to your relationships.

You will take care of your health and get checked out.

You will not make excuses. (I take responsibility)

You will get out of the bathroom.

You will not expect. (I create my future)

You will not complain. (I find the opportunity)

After you make your rules, you are also elected to be the sheriff. You have to enforce these rules. Letís get started!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HUGGERS1 7/25/2008 5:27PM

    I like the rules, but I am curious about the get out of the bathroom one???

I am sure there is something to it, but we always rushed through and I still do as an adult.

It is so important to have guidelines to live by and to model for others. Especially in raising children and when around children. People just don't understand that what they do and say affects others profoundly.

Thanks for your blog

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PEACHSWIRL 7/25/2008 2:47PM

    Commandment number 3 has nothing to do with profanity. In ancient times, Pagans would often invoke the names of their gods for mere pomp and circumstance. Forbidding this practice was just another way the Hebrews were doing to make themselves separate from the surrounding tribes. In fact, the first four commandments were specifically scripted to make themselves different from Paganism.

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Imitation is the greatest compliment, but ...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

You must be careful how you walk and where you go, for there are those following you who will set their feet where yours are set.

- Robert E. Lee, Civil War General

Am I worthy of imitation

They say imitation is the greatest compliment, but are your actions worthy of imitation? We are all in some setting of leadership. Whether it be as a parent, boss, or friend we should constantly examine the example we are setting for those around us. Am I setting a good example? Am I being a positive role model? Am I treating others in a dignified way? I know I am a cheerful and diligent to those around me because I do know that
People are like sponges taking in every action and word--and some believe or not naturally want to be just like you. So be mindful of your word and deed, you never know who might be watching and silently learning what you are demonstrating.


So what is it?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I have learned that if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you and this I've done.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. And this I've done
So why is it that I feel so all alone? Not in the sense that I'm standing all alone in a geat empty room but LONELY. I'm around people all day long I come home to a very loving and supportive husband and I have so many new found friends here but there is still an ache of emptiness inside. NO it's nothing spiritual that is in tact.
Could it be just could it be that I'm FINALLY feeling the emptiness of not knowing the beauiy of having a child? To hold my own flesh and blood to have it cuddle in close and feel it's life nad love and helplessness it's dependancy? I'm 47 for heaven's sake and right from young I knew that my future held no promise of this. Why now? I've never had the desire to have children It was almost as if because I never would God never gave me that desire so that I wouldn't have the heartache of not being able to have something I never could and yet want it so badly. I don't know all I know is that I feel this and have noe ryhm or reason fo it.
As far as I know I have and am fullfilling my purpose of being here and I have felt fullfilled and complete. So what is it?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOYOLACAT 7/25/2008 1:37AM

    Hi Again,
I reread your poem, and I kinda' get it... I think I got the second part; about awareness and change... I don't know you, so I was reading into your poem. It sounded so sad in the telling...But you want to change the person you were, and let go of the past....and start anew. Now I understand...Change is inevitable when you're aware of what needs to change... Keep The Faith.
Have a good night,

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LOYOLACAT 7/24/2008 1:23PM

    Hi NMS,
Perhaps I can offer some insight. It stands to reason that loneliness stems from being alone. You are not alone... you are with yourself. You gotta love the one you're with. I gathered from your poem that you have rejected your-self . If that's the case, yeah, that will leave you feeling empty inside; thus lonely. AWARENESS means a new beginning...You CAN change how you feel...Perhaps the child your missing is yourself.
Take Care and hang in there,
Mary emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/24/2008 1:21:58 PM

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LIFES*2*SHORT 7/24/2008 9:55AM

  Wow NMS... I didn't know that desire could hit that late in life. (no, I am not teasing you about your age) You do have to remember, that it's not just holding that little baby in your arms... there is, which I am sure you know, way more to it than that. Those babies grow up and drive you crazy too. Somedays... I think of those who don't have kids and would love that freedom for just a little bit. Definitely pros and cons to it both. My sister is the same age as you, and has also never had that desire. I'll have to ask her if it has hit her now too. :O) Have a great day!


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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sings "Silent Night".
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers
have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but
just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply
sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for
your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness,
I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92


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