Honesty. I value that with people around me and I pride myself on being very honest with those in my life. The hardest thing is to be honest with myself. Today I'm being honest with myself.
I started off strong in January. February rolled around and I lost my motivation. I had one bad week and instead of getting back on track I got lazy. I can blame it on some pain that I had, I can blame it on the weather but honestly I have no one to blame but myself. Sure the weather sucked but I have an elliptical machine at home, Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, Fitness Xbox video games and I didn't use them. I went to work and then would come home and watch TV.
The weather is sort of finally breaking. It was 56 degrees today but we are due for 6+ inches of snow tomorrow. Stupid Michigan. Spring always makes me more motivated as it does with everyone else.
I was tired at work and feeling lazy but I told myself to just go to the gym and at least just walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes. I ended up walking/jogging for 20 minutes and then worked lower body on machines. I definitely prefer lifting over cardio. I ended up burning over 500 calories and worked out for 48 minutes.
I came home and decided to take my measurements. I also changed my weight on the tracker here. I've had it at 154 but I haven't seen that number in a while. I've been bouncing between 157-160. I was 157.8 today.
I took my measurements and that was more of a wake-up call. I gained about .25-.5 of an inch on just about every body part I measured. It is not a gain of muscle either because I haven't done any lifting in 4 weeks.
It's time to stop making excuses. It's time to stop lying to myself that I am doing everything I can to lose weight. I'm not.
Starting today I'm going to be more honest with myself and my eating habits and my workout habits.
In my past I used to binge and purge. It took a lot to overcome this but I like to think that I overcame this problem. I no longer feel the need to eat until I burst and then get rid of it all.
This past week I have purged twice though. What's odd is that I didn't really feel like I "binged." I went out to dinner with a friend on Tuesday and I ate steak fajita's. I had three tortilla's of them and also some chips and queso. It is more than I usually eat nowadays but I didn't feel guilty about it. We sat and caught up while eating, I dropped my friend off and then driving home I felt very nauseous. Thankfully my fiance was working late so pretty much as soon as I got in the door I was in the bathroom sick. I chalked it up to maybe bad food and not bad habits. We all have gotten sick after eating and get rid of it.
Then last night, I was out at my usual Thursday night out with friends. It's normally my "cheat" day and I have 2 LARGE beers and a "breadzza" (half cheese bread/half pizza). However, trying to be good I got a grilled chicken sandwich and only had one beer. Once again I felt nauseous and when I got home I purged again. Once I get it out of my stomach I feel fine.
Now mind you, I've had other meals in between these so it's not an every time I eat thing. I also just went to my doctor for my annual and there was no sign of pregnancy if that's what you're thinking because that crossed my mind.
Today for lunch I had chicken pad thai. We get it usually once a month. I never eat all of it because it's so much. As soon as I was done eating, I felt sick to my stomach again. I haven't purged this time. In fact, it's taking everything I have to write this now instead of do it.
The weird thing is, I am not doing it because I don't want the calories or because I feel guilty for eating or I want to be skinny. Those were all the reasons before. I just physically feel ill. I'm not sure what is going on. I don't want to purge but I hate hate hate the feeling of being nauseated.
I just booked our plane tickets to California for this May! It is for a shorter period than I would like and I will probably need a rest after because we are packing so many things in but I'm excited!
We are flying to San Fransisco for a wedding about 3 hours north of there. Friday and Saturday with my fiance's family for his sisters wedding. Then after probably partying late Saturday for her wedding we are getting up at the butt crack of dawn to drive the 3 hour drive back to San Fransisco and hitting up a Giants game. At this game, I plan to meet an online friend of mine that I've been talking to for 15 years. We met when we were teenagers in a Buffy the Vampire Slayer chat room. We lost touch when we were just out of high school but thanks to social media (Myspace at the time) we found each other and realized we still have a lot in common! Despite never having met in person and never even chatting on the phone, just email and text we are SUPER close. So I'm really excited to meet her.
Then after the game we are meeting up with a friend of mine that moved out to the area in 2011. We've known each other since we were 11 years old. I'm really excited to see her because she's seen me through a lot of ups and downs in life and in my weight. When she left I was at one of my highest weights because it was just after my divorce. I'm really excited for her to see how I look now. Plus I'm hoping to lose even more weight by then so hopefully this trip will be good motivation for me to keep being healthy and working out.
Oh and we also plan to hit up an Oakland A's game while we're there. They are playing Detroit Tigers which will be awesome. We'll be decked out in our Tigers gear. I'm sure my fiance will be wearing his crazy Tiger pants. Hopefully Oakland fans are nice! Here are his Tiger pants. Also notice how insecure I am about my stomach that I'm awkwardly trying to hide it with my arm? I need to stop doing that. I just look awkward.
This winter is killing me. I know, who wants to read another blog complaining about the winter? I'll try to keep my complaints to a minimum.
I've never been a fan of the winter. I live in Michigan so I should be used to it but I am not. I dislike the cold, the snow, the dreariness of it all. I'm often more depressed in the winter probably due to seasonal affective disorder. This winter is the first winter in a long time that I haven't been depressed and I haven't needed medication. Mental health wise I'm doing the best ever which is a good thing.
The problem is, I'm still lazy this winter. I just want to be a hermit and hide inside my warm house, in my bed underneath the covers when I'm not at work.
I love the summer time. I do my best yard work and workouts when it's 90+ degrees out. It's March and it's barely even 30 degrees. I managed to go to the gym ONE day last week. I was hoping to make it a routine again but nope I got lazy. I have no good excuse other than I'm lazy and just don't want to go out in the cold. What I also hate is I'm REALLY hot from my workout and yes I do a "cool down" but I'm not cool by the time I'm putting on my super warm coat. Being sweaty and hot and putting on a warm coat is not pleasant yet I need it to walk across the parking lot to my car.
I just want spring to be here. I've done pretty good about not gaining weight this winter but I haven't lost any either. All I've lost is motivation to be active.
Even thoughts of losing weight for my wedding in October aren't enough to get me going. I seriously need someone to just force me to workout whether I have motivation or not.
I finally got off my lazy butt and made it to the gym yesterday. I was tired and just not feeling it but I was NOT going to use that as another excuse. It's been my excuse for the past 2.5 weeks.
I knew I wouldn't be able to go as hard as I had been when I was going regularly but wow my body was not used to working out. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill which was only 1.41 miles. I did jog a couple intervals but I mostly walked instead of jogging.
I then moved on to lower body because it's my favorite workout. I really want to improve my booty. It's so flat and I want to build the muscle up. Typically I do leg press, leg curls, leg extensions, calf machine, then I go over to the free weight area and I do lunges with 20 lb barbell, squats with 30 lb barbell and was even starting deadlifts with 50lbs. That was BEFORE my break.
Well yesterday I did first three machines and by the last one my 30 second rest breaks my heart was still racing. I got off the machine and felt dizzy. I paused, drank some water and went on to the next one. I did one set and I had to stop. I thought I was going to pass out. My HRM said my heart was at about 180. It's been that high before and even higher but it felt way worse. I am disappointed I didn't get over to the barbell to do the squats and lunges but I figured better safe than sorry. My workout was only 38 minutes instead of 60.
I think I was just pushing too hard and maybe lifting too heavy. Or maybe I didn't eat enough. I'm hoping to go today and work on back and biceps. Hopefully that will go better and I won't feel so shaky.