Monday, December 09, 2013
I don't know what is going on with me but I have been super emotional and depressed lately. Ever since I got back from my vacation. Even on my vacation I cried twice. I do not know what's going on. I just feel so down and alone even though I'm not alone.
I think a part of it is SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have always tended to swing low in the winter. This will be the first winter in years that I haven't been on an anti-depressant. I went off of them back in March/April. I've been doing great. I'm still in therapy. I go every other week but at todays session she brought up going back to once every week.
I find myself crying frequently. Sometimes for what feels like no reason. Last week my eating was WAY off. I am an emotional eater and I am conscious of it so I'm not doing super bad but I'm not doing great either.
I think another part of it is that I am disappointed. As silly as it sounds, I had really hoped that I was going to come back from my cruise engaged. Back when we planned it, my bf even had joked about us getting married ON the cruise. It seems like every other week people are asking when we're getting engaged. I've never understood why people as the woman this question. Typically, the man asks the woman. Yes, I know I could propose to him but no. I don't want to. I want the cliche down on one knee, will you marry me proposal. It doesn't have to be something elaborate, it can be in our kitchen but I want it. We talk about having a family and he knows I want to be married if we have kids. He was telling his parents on Thanksgiving that we like the name Lucas. So I try to tell myself to patient but it's just hard.
Now I find myself questioning why it hasn't happened. Is there something wrong with me? So then I pull back. We've been distant since the cruise and I can't blame him completely because I myself am pulling back. My therapist said I need to speak up and tell him that is what I was expecting but that's hard to say. My friend said to wait until after Christmas, maybe he has it planned for then. Maybe. Maybe not.
Then there is Christmas. Stepping out of the relationship drama there is also family drama. Tradition used to be brunch at my parents house Christmas morning. Parents make a large breakfast and my dads "rolled up pancakes" which are basically crepes with sugar. We get these ONCE a year. Only on Christmas. Since we've become adults and have significant others we have been doing Christmas Eve with my brother and his family (wife/daughter) and then I'd still go to my parents house. Now they throw on me "Christmas morning at 8am at their house. No Christmas Eve, nothing." We have to be at my bfs families by 11am. I don't want to get up at the butt crack of dawn to have our Christmas just the two of us. It's our 1st Christmas living together. It sounds selfish and childish but every year it's all about what is convenient for them. They never say "Sara, what's good for you, what do you want?" It's "This is what your brother is doing and we're going." I've never actually had my brother and his wife who have hosted Christmas the past 3 years actually send me a text, email or facebook message telling me. They leave it to my parents.
All in all I just feel like I'm never thought of. I also feel like I'm a whiny 16 year old writing this but at this point I just need to get my feelings out so I don't end up reverting to old bad habits which is taking my pain out on myself.
At this point I just want it to be January and past everything. I wish I could just hide and sleep and eat the next 3-4 weeks and not see anyone or do anything.
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
I forgot that I posted goals for the year back in January. I was going to update monthly and I did not. So here it is the last month and I thought I'd look back at it. I did pretty good! They weren't just fitness/weight loss goals. In fact, I never put a number down for a reason. I don't want to focus on the scale or a number. I do have an ultimate goal weight in mind (140) but I want to focus on NSV as well.
1. Turn 30! - This was easy.
2. Color Run in May - Didn't make the May one but did it in July and September
3. Warrior Dash in July - Did it!
4. Properly train for these races. -
I tried C25K a few times but never finished it.
5. Run 3 miles without stopping to walk. - Nope. Not able to do this. I sorta gave up running the past few months but I may try again this winter on the treadmill and see what happens.
6. Continue to learn to cook more and eat out less. -Doing good here! I cook about 4-5 times a week.
7. Pay off another credit card. - Sorta done. The credit card it paid off but the debt is still being paid off slowly. Someone loaned me money without interest so he is being paid back slowly.
8. Fix the wall in my living room and finish painting in there.
-DONE!!!! Looks great.
9. Travel to California and Atlanta. - Cali didn't happen but a ton of other places did. We did 2 long weekends for baseball stadiums (St. Louis/Kansas City in July, and Milwaukee, Minneapolis in Sept). Plus Atlanta for DragonCon and then our cruise in November.
10. Learn to tolerate people more, focus on good friends and not let negative people in my life control my emotions. - I've cut out a lot of bad people in my life and the ones I can't cut out (family) I try to keep my distance.
11. Have a garage sale, anything that doesn't sell, donate it to Purple Heart/Salvation Army.
Garage sale didn't go well but I donated a lot!
12. Finally give my brother (or parents) all of his stuff that he left in my basement. - Gave 90% of it to him. There's still some stuff in my garage but my basement is free to be used how I want it.
13. This last one I'm a little afraid of. I have had a two piece swimsuit for about 5 years that I've never felt comfortable wearing. I want to feel comfortable wearing it. I'm not putting a number down for weight loss but I want to be fitter and healthier. I want to wear it with confidence.
My body isn't where I wanted it to be by this time of year. However, it's come along and I decided to wear the swimsuit anyway. It was scary. At first I thought everyone was going to judge me but I realized no one cared. There were people who had better bodies than me and people who had a lot worse bodies than me and were wearing two pieces. Plus, I'll never see them again. I wasn't 100% confident but I did it. I did wear a sarong the whole time. I'm hoping by next summer to be able to wear it without the sarong and in front of my friends/family who WILL see me again.
One thing I learned though is that we are all our own worst critics. I remember thinking people would look at me and go running or laugh or give me dirty looks or tell me to cover up. No one did. No one really even seemed to LOOK my way. We are all in our own heads. Why worry what others think because you know what? They don't think that much about us. The only comment I had was a nice mother/ adult daughter duo offered to take our picture and she saw me making sure my sarong was just right beforehand and she just laughed and said "oh us women! Always gotta make sure we're covered!" I didn't take it as her judging me, it was her just saying it's okay.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
I'm back from my vacation! It was good, not bad, but not great either. I think maybe I had expectations too high. I've been on vacations with my bf before but this one felt different. Maybe because people kept telling me they thought he would propose (he didn't). Maybe because it was a new experience for us and cruising just isn't our thing.
Overall, the weather was great, the beaches were nice at 2 of the 3 ports and the ship was big. There was no bad thing about it. I did also work up the courage to wear my two piece! I wore it twice and wore my one piece as well. I didn't have the best body on the ship but I didn't have the worst either. Plus I'll never see any of those people again. So that was a victory in itself.
Now for what made it blah. We just felt distant the whole time. It was really weird and a new feeling for me with our relationship. I wanted to lay out and soak up some sun and read. He told me to enjoy getting cancer. I found that to be rude and it pissed me off. He is very paranoid about it. He wears SPF 50 all the time. I typically wear nothing but compromised and bought 8 and 15. His heart is in the right place as skin cancer does run in my family but that's because my mom went tanning year round for many years.
At the beach he didn't seem happy laying out and relaxing. We did go swimming but at one of the beaches a wave knocked him over and he lost his sunglasses. On a tour we did he wore tennis shoes and socks. I sent him a link to the tour, told him about it. Stops at 2 beaches, an iguana farm and just along the way for photos. I was like why did you not wear sandals? He said "It's a tour, you walk on it." I never said it was a walking tour, we're exploring the island by bus! Whatever. Anyway, his shoes got soaked and he twisted his ankle trying to jump away from the water that soaked his feet.
So yeah...it wasn't a great vacation. It was all minor stuff. Nothing terrible went wrong. No disaster, nothing.
Yet I'm really unsettled by it. The distance that I felt between us. It's like we weren't even together. He seemed unhappy and closed me out. When I asked he said he was fine or didn't feel well. When we got back home, things were back to normal. It scares me though because I cannot be in another relationship where when the person is upset he shuts down. My ex did that and it was hell.
A part of me is sad he didn't propose but another part is relieved at the same time. I've never really questioned our relationship but now I am. I just feel like there are some flags I need to look at. Not to say that there isn't hope, but I just need to make sure I don't rush into something like I've done in the past.
Onto weight things...I didn't gain that much weight! The week before my vacation I was fluctuating between 155-157. Yesterday I weighed myself and I was 156 so I didn't really gain too much. I was 158 this morning but it's also TOM and I always weigh more during this time. So despite having a buffet for every meal and drinking soda I did good. I had salad just about every lunch and dinner and tried to just have a small protein or carb with it on the side and make the salad my main portion. I didn't feel like I skimped out at all. We also took the stairs when we didn't have a lot of flights to go up. The sad part was walking up 4 flights of stairs really winded me.
I'm hoping to get back to working out today. I was exhausted Sunday and had unpacking, laundry etc to do. Yesterday was an extra long day at work so today is my first day back to it. My goal is to be bouncing between 150-152 by Christmas.
Thanks for reading if you're still here. I know this is long. Oh and I'll post some pics later or tomorrow.
Get An Email Alert Each Time NIMIRRA137 Posts