NICOLE12-01   13,873
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Well, this is where I've been....

Friday, March 30, 2012

I know that I've been MIA for a while. My life has been a complete whirlwind since I had Adelyn in September. She is awesome and doing so well. She cracks me up everyday and can't imagine what I did with my life before I had her.

I've been on a roller coaster for the past couple of months that I want to jump off of. February 27, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's not something that I ever expected to be dealing with at this point in my life...or ever for that matter. After months of just assuming I had a clogged duct or mastitis from breast feeding, turns out, it was (is) a 6+cm tumor. My official diagnosis is Stage IIIa, Invasive Ductal, Lobular Carcinoma, and DCIS. Yep. 3 different cancers. Hearing the diagnosis was just like a nightmare, but one that unfortunately, I haven't woken up from yet.

I started my chemo on March 13th. I'll have 8 rounds, which will be every 3 weeks. We're praying that my body responds to the chemo. After chemo is finished in August, I'll be having surgery and then most likely radiation. I've done some genetic testing and am awaiting the results to see what surgery will most likely consist of (either having one breast removed or both).

Chemo hasn't been fun. There are okay days, there are days that I feel like I'll never get out of bed, and there are a few good days. I've lost most of my hair and will be getting the rest shaved tonight. I have to admit, I'm having a difficult time dealing with the hair loss. It just seems like such an outward sign of what I'm dealing with.

I'm trying to eat better and fit in a little exercise when I can, because I know it will be good for me during the treatments. It will help give me energy and give my immune system a little boost. So I'm hoping to get a little more active on here again so that I can remind myself how important this part of my health is while I'm dealing with this cancer.

I try to stay positive, but it has been difficult. I'm trying to get into and STAY into "survivor" mode, but there are days that it is rough. So if any of you Spark Friends pray out there, if you don't mind, just say a prayer that this is the right treatment and that my body responds to it.
I've put on the biggest freaking pair of boxing gloves that I can find to fight this battle. It's a battle that I desperately want to win, and I'm going to do my best to win it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTTERFLY0912 10/12/2012 9:40AM

    emoticon I keep your family in my prayers

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MELSY82 10/2/2012 9:17AM

    Nicole,

I cannot believe you are no longer here. Though we never met in person, you were such a force to me; motivation beyond any other, a friend to talk about a multitude of struggles with, and a joy to watch as you went through your pregnancy with Adelyn, and the joy you had with her. There are no words to adequately convey to Matt and your family how saddened I am, and what a loss this is for both your world and the world at large. Be well, friend. Shine on forever.

Love,
Melissa

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RAINBOWZLPN 9/8/2012 2:51PM

    Miss you, Nicole, & find you & your little sweet girl on my mind often. emoticon

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MISSCOFFEY 9/6/2012 10:15PM

    I miss you so very much, Nicole. I still can't believe you're not here anymore. I think of you and your little girl daily. She'll be one this week! Happy Birthday, Little Miss A.

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DOTTIEJANE1 8/22/2012 10:39AM

    Prayers for the family .

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PURPLE180 8/21/2012 9:38PM

    Rest in peace. May God comfort your family in their time of grief. My prayers and thoughts are with you, your family and friends.

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ANDASI 8/21/2012 7:20PM

    Rest in peace. Prayers for the family. emoticon emoticon

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BRENDABUNNY 8/21/2012 3:56PM

    Rest in Peace emoticon and prayers to the family

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BEN09262009 8/21/2012 2:09PM

    I'll be thinking and praying of you. I work in a hospital and have registered patients for their treatments and we will soon be openeing a large cancer center in our hospital that will do radiation. I pray for you to be strong and know that there will be good days and bad days and it's okay to cry, vent, scream, etc. Whatever you need to do! Everyone will be there for you! emoticon emoticon

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DEVOTEEOFISET 8/21/2012 1:30PM

    Rest in Peace, thank you for all the support! My prayers and thoughts will be with you and your family. I will miss you.

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ABETTERBECKY 8/21/2012 1:14PM

    Rest in peace. You were a major inspiration to me in my weight loss. My heart goes out to your family!

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EMILY1244 8/21/2012 1:09PM

    Rest in Peace, Friend. I will say prayers of healing and comfort for your family.

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NATPLUMMER 8/21/2012 1:09PM

    emoticon

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MANLEYSANDY 8/21/2012 12:50PM

    Rest in peace

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LIGHTNINGRUNNER 8/21/2012 11:28AM

    Rest in Peace

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PRETTYLILHEFFER 8/21/2012 11:17AM

    My thoughts go out to her family. emoticon

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MBSHAZZER 8/21/2012 10:52AM

    Rest in peace - sending warm wishes to your family

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JOANIEBUG46 8/21/2012 10:49AM

    My heart is with the family of this amazing woman!!
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MISSFORTE 8/21/2012 10:44AM

    Sorry I did not know you before, thoughts and prayers with your family.

Rest in Peace!

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IMKFOX 8/21/2012 10:14AM

    Prayers for strength and comfort for you and your family. Your attitude is great and it will certainly help you in the battle ahead.

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/21/2012 10:10AM

    Rest in peace. My heart goes out to your family.



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WANT2BEFIT10 6/21/2012 1:31PM

    OH. MY. GOSH. I'm in disbelief. I can't believe I didn't see this before today. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

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LJONES23 6/7/2012 11:17AM

    Nicole, Today is my first day back on spark since i don't even know when. Of course, i went to your page first and feel like I've been punched in the gut. I do pray and will be praying for your recovery every step of the way. We will be back in Pittsburgh in July at the same place i met you last time. I would LOVE to see you and your precious baby. I am sending you lots of hugs right now and pray you are doing ok. xoxo Laura

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SEEHOLZ 5/7/2012 4:12PM

    OMG- I hope you're hanging in, staying strong! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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MDTWEETY 4/27/2012 6:24PM

    I am so very sorry to read this and sorry for what you are going through. I will be thinking of you and sending BIG hugs and healing thoughts your way. I know that adorable baby girl will help you heal in this time.
We are all rooting for you. Much love...

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HEALTHY4ME 4/15/2012 8:03PM

    Came back to see if there were any updates. hope you are doing well and lots of hugs during this hard time. Give your sweet baby a huge hug!

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KRISSYSWIM16 3/31/2012 12:40PM

    oh my gosh! I couldnt believe this and I am so sorry you are going through this. I want you to know if you NEED ANYTHING! let us know- we are here for yoU! I will defiantly be praying for you and the family. emoticon

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LINDSAYHENNIGAN 3/31/2012 10:36AM

    As much as this blog has hurt to read, I can't imagine what it is like to live. I am so sorry. But, glad to hear you are fighting and staying physically strong. At least you have the baby as a constant motivator on those days where you are overwhelmed and tired. There is no denying that there is a certain healing magic in holding your sweet baby. Best of luck, keep us informed.

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CREATINGCHRIS 3/31/2012 9:26AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SPUNKYSPARKER 3/31/2012 8:52AM

    i am praying now for you. for healing, for inexplicable peace and calm in this storm, for you to feel totally loved and complete, for God to make himself so, so personal to you during this time, for you to have a sense that it is all going to be OK, for you to be able to look back on the hardest times of this journey and know it has some greater, redeemable purpose. you are so amazing. you can do this.

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NICOLI13 3/31/2012 1:40AM

    Im so sorry you are going through this. You are a strong woman and you will get through this. I will keep you in my prayers. emoticon

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SKFEREBEE 3/30/2012 10:22PM

    Praying very hard for you and your family. You will fight this and win. There is no other option.

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HEALTHY4ME 3/30/2012 8:13PM

    OMG I can't even imagine, I had my mamo today cos of some abnormaalites found last year, and first spark thing on this am was another sparker finding out, now I read yours.
Dear sweet girl, I know you will overcome this, for you , and for your little girl. How adorable she is. I will pray adn think of you and will add you as a friend to check on and see how you are doing.
HUGS and all the best to you and your little family.

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LOGDIVA 3/30/2012 8:10PM

    My thoughts are with you, fellow Runner Girl....keep as positive an attitude as possible...there is so much that can be done these days...kick cancer's arse!
~Tika


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MELSY82 3/30/2012 7:25PM

    emoticon

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ANGIERUNNER 3/30/2012 6:17PM

    emoticon I will keep you in my prayers!

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KTISFOCUSED 3/30/2012 5:27PM

    Nicole,
I just read your post about being diagnosed with breast cancer and first, I am soo sorry you are having to deal with it. it sucks!! Second, know that you will now be on my prayer list. I am a 3 year survivor of breast cancer so I know how devastating all of this is but I also know you can and will get through it and emerge a healthier, stronger person. I had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation and it is not fun, I agree. But please know you can write to me anytime with questions or a need for understanding and it will be there. I am a believer big time and I believe that because I am ok today, God wants me to give hope to others who are going through this. I made a decision eventually to return to my Y workouts, wig and all. I started with pilates and then eventually did a little water aerobics, and zumba. I did what I could, I found support for people who knew what I was going through and somehow it helped me. Understand I couldn't go every day and not even after the first couple chemos but somehow your body does adjust and it gets a little easier but PLEASE don't feel pressure to do this but I thought it might help you to know that your life might be able to come back to almost normal. Hang in there and ask God to give you strength and peace and I will pray for successful treatment, strength and peace.
Kathy

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SUNSHINE084 3/30/2012 4:09PM

    emoticon Have been praying and I will continue.

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GUNNSGIRL91303 3/30/2012 3:53PM

    I can't imagine having a baby and then being diagnosed with cancer. I can't imagine facing what you are or going through the ordeal of chemo and radiation. My mother had breast CA when she was only 21 years old and it impacted the rest of her life. She had cancer in the early 60's, before reconstruction options. She was literally butchered. I'm so very sorry you have to fight this battle but I'm glad you are fighting it now rather than in the dark ages of 1962. I will be praying for you and reading your blogs. Support is here for you! Remember to ask for help when you need it and cry on shoulders when they are available!
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IDSWEETHEART79 3/30/2012 3:37PM

    emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 3/30/2012 3:10PM

    emoticon

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MAMAJAHMAI 3/30/2012 2:51PM

    Wow...I will pray for you. Keep Fighting...will fight with you in prayer. ((hugs)))

Comment edited on: 3/30/2012 2:52:06 PM

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PSMITH3841 3/30/2012 2:23PM

    Oh crap!!!!! I, for once, am speechless....I am so sorry to hear this, but I also know that you will battle this thing and beat it into the ground...All you have to do is look at sweet Adelyn's face, and that fight mode will kick in with a fierceness you won't believe! Just know, you are in my thoughts and prayers and that you can BEAT this insidious disease. emoticon

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JOSIEISHEALTHY 3/30/2012 1:26PM

    I am so sorry and I am praying for you. You will beat this!

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POOHLA711 3/30/2012 1:23PM

    I am so sorry to hear this. I've got my virtual boxing gloves on too, and I will pray that you fight this disease and WIN!
I don't have any advice to give, because I can't even imagine what you are feeling. I do, however, know several breast cancer survivors, so I've seen with my own eyes that this disease can be beaten.
I'm sending you positive energy and prayers. *hugs*

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MILLER*TIME 3/30/2012 1:19PM

    You're definitely in my prayers. Fight for that precious baby girl of yours. I hope your body responds to the treatment and I pray you get some good news here soon.

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A*L*P* 3/30/2012 1:18PM

    Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. So very, very sorry. I can't imagine dealing with that type of news right after the birth of your joy. I will keep you in my thoughts always. Your attitude is amazing keep strong as much as you can, keep up a positive attitude (as much as you can) and keep us posted with your progress. Hug that baby tight it will release happy feelings in you that will only help your body fight. Truly give you something big to fight for.

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J0ETTE 3/30/2012 1:04PM

    I am in the "weekly challenge(s)" team and this week we have been challenged to explore sparkpages. Another team member mentioned your page.. So I came to visit too.

I do pray! I will be praying for you! What you are going through can be overwhelming. I will be a 1 year survivor of breast cancer the first week of June this year. Stay positive and in prayer.

If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me.

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KOLINA 3/30/2012 12:53PM

    You are in my prayers and thoughts. I am so sorry that you are going through this!

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CHAOTICMOM4 3/30/2012 12:51PM

    Nicole,
Sorry to hear about all that you're going through. How awful that this special time of you're life with your new daughter is being invaded on by BC. Please continue to be strong and I'll pray for you and your family.
Take Care,
Kathy
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Here I go....again.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I feel like I've finally had enough. I've had enough chocolate, enough ice cream, enough cookies, enough potato chips, enough fast food, and enough pies and cakes. I've been in a complete and total haze of eating whatever and whenever I want for the past year. I found out I was pregnant Jan 4, 2011, and the eating hasn't stopped since then. Over the weekend, I actually told my husband that I'm sick of eating the way I have been I'm tired of feeling nauseous because of all of the sugar flowing through my body. I haven't had a piece of fruit or a vegetable in what seems like months. And in all actuality, it probably HAS been months. Unless of course, you would categorize chocolate covered cherries or raspberry creme filled chocolates a fruit....no? Right. I'm even tired of listening to my own excuses as to why I haven't returned to the once healthy lifestyle I had been living.

So, today, I say "Here I go again". It's a new year, it's a fresh start, and in a lot of ways, it's the beginning of me learning more about myself and rediscovering who I am again. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not the person I thought I was in many ways. This is not a bad thing. Actually, this is a good thing. I've learned that I'm much stronger, much more loving, and much more capable than I ever knew. I also learned that I allow anxiety and fear to paralyze me, which is something I need to work on. I have a lot of "New Years Resolutions" on a list for the year. I want to work on being more patient...with myself and with others. I want to start eliminating some negative influences and relationships in my life. I want to strive to communicate with my husband better. And of course, I want to get back to living a healthy and active life again. A goal inside of that is also to not be as rigid with eating as I had been in the past. I want to be healthy, but not neurotic. I want to find that healthy balance. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake occasionally and it not feel like I've thrown out the entire day. I don't want to focus on a number on the scale. I want to eat healthy and be active so that I can feel alert, energetic, and strong.

I don't know what this year will bring, but I do know that I am going to try to make it a year of self exploration and a return to health. I am not happy with the stats that I'm starting with, but I also know that I'm tired of trying to hide it. Trying to hide it, has just kept me in a state of denial and procrastination. I know I've returned to the category of "obese". Man, I hate that word. But, it's the start. I'm going to try to not let that number define me like it has so many times in the past, But I do feel it's effects. I don't like feeling tired, run down, nauseated, bloated, and sick to the stomach all of the time.

So here's to my start.
Jan 3, 2012
Weight: 195.2
Size 18
I'm excited to see how this year unfolds. I'm excited to peel back the old layers and discover the new ones. I have a feeling this will be a wonderful and memorable year. Bring it on 2012, I'm ready for the challenge...finally.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COOKIEBROWN 3/30/2012 11:01AM

    You are not alone and you can do it! You're amongst friends and we will all take 2012 by storm!

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MELSY82 1/24/2012 12:58PM

    I am so happy and proud for you. You will accomplish this, that I am 110% sure of. You have surprised yourself already in the last year, this year is going to be so positive for you!!!!

XO

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SEEHOLZ 1/7/2012 9:31PM

    I remember reading your blog last year and you feeling so desperate and out of control and then I remember reading your last blog and how amazed you were at how much you love motherhood and the whole nine yards :-) What I took away is that things can change- this is a journey- your own personal life journey and you get to set your own, personal "rules" which can change, evolve etc.
I used to be a lot more rigid in my eating and then I decided to stop- dieting, obsessing and trying to find more balance in my life. It has not led to the magic weight loss path- but I did loose 12 lbs in 2011 and I can honestly say, I am a more balanced person. It's a great feeling- a feeling a progress and not perfection and that's what I want this to be about. I can work on improving myself continuously, but it does not mean that I have to weigh less, eat less and exercise more. For me, it means- to be moderate in all aspects of my life.
I say start digging, exploring and take it all in with as little judgment as possible- all those feelings, fears etc are normal for you and it is totally okay to feel whatever comes up, as long as you don't give it power, right? I also let fear and anxiety paralyze me and when I feel paralyzed, it's really hard for me to snap out of it- it's like it sucks me in and doesn't want to let me go. I have been working on that as well and have made some improvements, but I look at 2012 as my opportunity to be brave, something that I feel like I have ways to go yet, but I think it'll be a great.

I love your attitude- go for it!

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MOM2MXKE 1/6/2012 4:58PM

    So excited to see you back (: You can do this. I have been back now pt through most of December but at the end my head was back on path. I have to say I feel AMAZING after workouts now I missed that feeling of the burn and the proud of myself feeling I felt. Can't want to see you shrink (:

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ANGELAK85 1/5/2012 2:46PM

    I loved this blog because I can totally relate!! You were able to do this once, you can definitely do it again!! Lets kick some butt this year girl :)

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MDTWEETY 1/4/2012 7:39PM

    Great blog! You can do it! Just take it one step and accomplishment at a time. :)
HUGS! How is that little baby of yours doing?

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DICHOTOMYGIRL 1/4/2012 2:42PM

    I know the feeling! Veggies were gross to me when I was pregnant, and I've done my best to avoid them since! I went crazy with junk at the holidays because I knew it was the end.

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KRISSYSWIM16 1/4/2012 1:43PM

    YEA! Im so glad you are here,b ecause now we can work together to get these lbs off !!! (and yep. again for me too)
I am starting at 191. so I am willing to do something (anything) to help you and me! get moving and stay away from the sweets (oh how I love them haha)
anyway, your daughter is adorable!

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PSMITH3841 1/4/2012 11:16AM

    You Go Girl!!!! You know how to do it, like the ad says...Just Go For IT! Plus, when you get back into the better eating habits, Adelyn won't think of "Junk Food" as anything but a once-in-a-while treat! Better yet, maybe she won't think of Junk Food at all! Hope you had a great Christmas and I wish you a Happy & Healthy 2012!

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POOHLA711 1/4/2012 8:44AM

    You can and will do this. You have the tools and now you have the desire.
I am in the exact same place you are with the "enough is enough" attitude. I've gained 20 pounds since October. This has to stop.
Let's refocus and work on this together. One step at a time!

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BURGHGIRL 1/3/2012 9:40PM

    I hear ya! I am all sugared out!!!! Good Luck!

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SPADIVA77 1/3/2012 8:55PM

    I would just like to point out that you are still in "Onederland"! I know you can do this, and you know you can do this! You are and always will be an ispiration for me!

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APIRLRAIN888 1/3/2012 7:56PM

    U can do this

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CUTENHEALTHY 1/3/2012 7:24PM

    It's totally a fresh start! I'm ready to be goal obsessed again!

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ROGUE_1 1/3/2012 4:43PM

    Just like the mantra on your arm says from your first half... YOU CAN and YOU WILL!!! Here's to making this year better than ever!!!

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JENN26POINT2 1/3/2012 4:24PM

    I feel energized and ready to go too. With an attitude like that, you can go far!

Cute pic of your wee one too. So adorable!

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IMATALOSS 1/3/2012 4:02PM

  You and me both!!! Glad to see you back and focused. Rock on 2012!!

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BAKER1009 1/3/2012 3:58PM

    You can totally do this, and there are lots of us here willing to help you in any way we can!!

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MISSCOFFEY 1/3/2012 3:53PM

    I agree with Lori ... win that money!!!
xoxo

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ERINBEAR1876 1/3/2012 3:51PM

    I am excited for you!!!

P.S. LOVE your background. So adorable.

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LORIBURKS1 1/3/2012 3:48PM

    Yay, yay, yay Nicole - I am very much looking forward to this journey with you. I know you can and I know you WILL do it. And maybe you'll even win some money along the way emoticon
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SKFEREBEE 1/3/2012 3:47PM

    Now you just need to turn your "I wants" into "I will!" You have enough resolutions that you could probably work on one of them every couple of months that will allow you to achieve the success you desire. And now you have an extra special reason to be healthy~your little one! Happy new year and welcome back!

Sheila

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WANT2BEFIT10 1/3/2012 3:40PM

    I'm proud of you, Nicole! You are taking the first steps to getting back on track, and they are always the hardest! You WILL get there again, I just know it! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 1/3/2012 3:35PM

    It sounds like you are ready to start. Now go get it!!

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KELLIGIRL523 1/3/2012 3:33PM

    You can do it!!

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Back to work...back to Spark

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It seems like forever since I've been on here. I'm so sorry that I haven't been checking in and keeping touch with all of my spark friends. Hopefully you'll all forgive me! :)
The past 10.5 weeks have gone by so fast. I have to admit that it's been the most exhausting 10 weeks of my life, but it's also been the most incredible at the same time. For my entire existence, I've been terrified to become a mother because of my experience with my own. I was certain that I just wasn't born with a "mother gene". I never felt comfortable around kids. I never wanted to hold babies, never wanted to play with them, just felt completely awkward and honestly, felt that if I never had kids, I'd be fine with that. And then Adelyn came along. I never knew a love like this could exist. In many ways, I feel like my life didn't truly begin until she came into my world. I now know the meaning of a mother's love. Although this makes me even more angry with my own mother, because having my own daughter, I just can't fathom not telling her I love her everyday, not wanting to know how her day was, or not knowing her favorite bedtime story or lullaby. I can't imagine not caring what her favorite color is, what her favorite ice cream flavor is, or why she's totally in love with the boy who sits behind her in Algebra. I have come to accept that I will never have this with my mother and know that I WILL have this with my daughter.

I came back from my maternity leave this past Monday. Man, it was difficult to leave my little lady bug. Thankfully, my husband had Monday and Tuesday off, so he watched her and brought her to see me during my lunch hour. He's a pretty spectacular husband and is definitely an incredible father. Today was the first day I had to drop her off at Dakar. Those poor Dakar workers. I'm sure I'm not the first mother to sob as she left her child at Dakar, but it definitely felt like it. Thankfully, the Dakar is only a block from my office, so I'll be making regular visits on my lunch hour...and some sneak attacks just so I know they're taking good care of my baby! :)

So, I'm now back at work full time. This of course means that I'll have much more time to Spark and reconnect with my spark friends. This also means that I need to get serious about getting healthy again and getting back into shape. I'm not sure how to get even a sliver of that motivation back that I used to have, but I do hope that by being back on here, that I'll be inspired again. I stopped weighing myself towards the end of my pregnancy, but I'm guessing I ended up around 215. The few weeks following delivery, I had lost about 30 pounds due to the craziness of being a new mother and some medications I was on for the complications I was having. Sadly, all of those 30 pounds didn't stay off. After my appetite returned (as well as the uncontrollable snacking), I have put about 10 back on. I'm sitting around 190. Ugh. I have a long way to go from where I was before I got pregnant. Sometimes it seems like it will take forever and I get so angry with myself that I let it happen. I certainly didn't need to gain 85 pounds during my pregnancy. I look at pictures from before and want to be that person again. I look at pictures from the present and am so sad and unhappy with what I see. But, all I can do is start. I want to feel like I did last summer when I was in the best shape of my life and actually ran a half marathon. I want to feel like I'm healthy again. I want to set a good example for my daughter someday and want to have tons of energy to play with her. I did it before and I know I can do it again.

So I'm asking for some help from all of you. I'm asking that I can reconnect with all of you and get inspired by all of you like I've done in the past. I can't say that it's going to be a perfectly smooth road ahead, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to gain some momentum along the way.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEEHOLZ 12/27/2011 3:31PM

    Ahhhh.. you have an incredibly adorable little girl! And, from those pics of her and you, you look great!

I know how it feels not to be in the shape you want to be in and I think if you chip at it one day at a time, it'll all start coming together!

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BAKER1009 12/6/2011 11:34AM

    I can only imagine how difficult it was to return to work. With my last, my husband was home to take care of our son, but it was still hard!
I hope you are beginning to adjust some. You sound like a wonderful mother!
My motivation has been lacking the last few months, but I'm back on board and will help you in anyway that I can! SP ROCKS!

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KELLIGIRL523 12/6/2011 10:10AM

    I'm looking for some motivation myself! We can do this!!

Congrats and best wishes.....

Let me know if / when lia sophia sounds appealing again! :)

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ALICIABORTON 12/2/2011 12:47PM

    I had some similiar issues with my mother, and still to this day do not have a good "bond" with her. I knew I wanted to have children and I also knew that I would NEVER treat them the way I was treated. Hugs and "I love yous" are an estential part of a child's life!



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STAYCXL-NOMORE 11/30/2011 11:09AM

    Welcome back SF , congrats on the precious baby girl , I am sure your mother skills will come natural as did mine after to a very hard relationship with my own mother , god gives you the kind of kid he thinks you will cherish and will inspire you both. It's hard to get back to work for sure and it's even harder to leave that little one( I remember those days :( hang in there on your weight thing , it will come off now you are back to your normal routine , it took 9 months for it to add up , so give yourself that much time to get back to your before prego weight !! Congrats again to motherhood , it will change your life and heart forever !!
Stayc

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TWINSMOMMY607 11/29/2011 10:09AM

    Welcome back!! emoticon

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LINDSAYHENNIGAN 11/26/2011 1:24AM

    We would all love to deliver our babies and weigh exactly what we did when we found out we were expecting them. But, in the course of your history this is a totally manageable and temporary, and somewhat necessary step. I have never been in better shape since my babies were born, because the stress of parenting was only manageable with regular exercise. I look and feel better than ever, AND have lovely little girls to play with. Anyway, if you didn't have to lose the baby weight, you would be too busy to come visit sparkfriends. Glad your back, and especially happy to hear your husband turned out to be a great daddy. You can never be sure what kind of dad they will be, but when you win the lottery and get a great one, there is no better feeling.

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MELSY82 11/24/2011 10:10AM

    Nicole,

Congratulations on signing back onto Spark. All of your SP friends here will without a doubt welcome you back with open arms. I am so emotional reading your blog, and the love you speak of for your little girl. You are clearly already an amazing mother. Enjoy this day with your loved ones!!

xoxo

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KRISSYSWIM16 11/24/2011 10:01AM

    YEA for being back!!! I know you can get back in the groove- if you need ANYTHING at ANYTIME you can text me! seriously andrew and I are up at all hours haha
seriously Im so glad you are back!

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LOVE_2_RUN 11/23/2011 9:43PM

    Congrats!!!!! Glad to see you back on SP. You will get that motivation back because you want to be healthy and want to be a good role model. Those thoughts will help you push through any slump you are in. emoticon

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AMINABEE 11/23/2011 8:44PM

    I got goosebumps when you talked about how you will break the mother daughter cycle that existed with you. I'm so happy and thrilled for you and your new little family. Babies are the best! I'm not a mama, but a super proud auntie to 2 little girls, and I would do anything in this world for them.
You will get healthy, do it for you, your daughter, and to set the example. I'm always here to support you friend!
Congratulations once again!

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MISSCOFFEY 11/23/2011 12:22PM

    You just made me teary-eyed at the hair salon! I'm in your same boat. We can do this. We just need to love ourselves as much as we love our girls. Xoxo

Comment edited on: 11/23/2011 12:24:02 PM

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KARVY09 11/23/2011 12:08PM

    What you wrote about your mom made me cry. I feel the same way and I hope I have the same feelings when I hold my daughter in about a month.

Past is past. Look at the number where you're at now. It's only downhill from there.

Love ya!

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APIRLRAIN888 11/23/2011 11:56AM

    Welcome back

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LORIBURKS1 11/23/2011 10:21AM

    Glad to see you're back on here!!! I always did LOVE your blogs (that's how we become friends!) You can sooo totally do it Nicole - one day at a time. Emailing you now...

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NATPLUMMER 11/23/2011 10:18AM

    emoticon

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BONJI40 11/23/2011 9:50AM

    Hey Nicole!!
You know I'm here for you!! I know you'll get that motivation back...be patient. It will come.

Reading about your discovery of what a mother's love is was incredible...what a wonderful experience, and I'm glad you have experienced what it really is about!! Little Adelyn is so lucky to have you both as parents!

So, I expect to see you around SP, and I'll check in with you...you can do this!! Remember, you are an athelete!! : )
Carrie

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Birth story of Adelyn Josephine (With pics of course!).

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Wow...it has been a crazy couple of weeks full of highs and lows. On Monday, September 12th, I went to the hospital for a scheduled induction. My midwife wanted to induce due to the fact that they believed Adelyn was going to be a big baby, as well as the other issues of my blood pressure continuing to creep up and yet another illness I experienced on Friday the 9th.

We arrived at the hospital on Monday and my midwife broke my water within a half hour of my admission. Unfortunately, the water was filled with mecomium. My midwife said that she wasn't too surprised due to the fact that I was so sick on Friday. She didn't seem too concerned, so I tried not to be too worried. The Pitocin was started shortly thereafter, and it took about a half hour until the contractions started. I honestly thought that my labor wasn't going to be very long, because when I arrived at the hospital, I was already 2cm dilated and 90% thinned.

Labor progressed A LOT slower than I expected. The contractions were picking up in intensity and the baby wasn't responding very well to them. Every time I had a rather strong one, her heartrate would drop. Eventually, they put me on oxygen and positioned me on my side. When her heart rate continued to struggle, they decided to put fluids back into my uterus and they hooked me up to an internal monitor. I was getting pretty nervous at this point, and I told my husband around 1pm that I believed that we were on the road to a c-section.

I continued to labor and continued to become discouraged every time the midwife checked me. I was dilating ridiculously slow. By 5pm, I was ready for the epidural, and I was only 4cm. I got the epidural and felt relief almost instantly. I admire anyone who can go through labor on Pitocin without an epidural. Seriously, I don't know how anyone does it! By 8pm, my midwife started to talk about how I wasn't progressing as fast as she'd like. I had been sitting at 4cm for almost 3 hours, and they don't like it to go much further than that. Also around that time, the epidural wasn't working as well on the right side of my body. The anesthesiologist came back in, adjusted it, and gave me something else in my IV. I'm not sure what it was, but it made me sick...and I mean SICK. I started vomiting around 8:30pm, which didn't end until after my delivery 2.5 hours later.

Around 9pm, the midwife contacted the perinatologist on staff. He checked me several times and then decided to do an ultrasound. He looked carefully at the images and determined that my little lady was facing the wrong way and the way she was positioned, her head wasn't resting on my cervix enough to dilate. He called for a c-section at 10pm.

I went into the operating room at 10:30pm and my husband met me in there. Adelyn Josephine entered the world at 11:03pm. Not only was she faced the wrong way, but she was tilting her neck back. My midwife told me that even if I would've dilated, I probably would've pushed for 3 hours and would've ended up with a c-section in the end because of her tilting her head back the way it was.

Adelyn was born at 11:03pm, weighing 6lb 9oz, and was 19.5 inches long. So much for her being a big baby! The perinatologist said that most likely, because she was positioned so oddly, the measurements were off. But I was just overjoyed that she was healthy with everything that had happened leading up to the birth and the labor itself. We chose her name to honor some family members. My father, who passed away in 2004, was named Alden. We felt that Adelyn was the closest name we could find to represent him. Josephine was chosen as a tribute to my husband's father, Joseph, as well as his sister who passed away in February. Her middle name was Jo.

We went home on Thursday and started to adjust to life with a newborn. On Tuesday, my incision started bleeding heavily. I went to the ER that evening, where they basically put a bandaid on the Hoover Dam and sent me home. The next day the incision was bleeding heavily again, so I went to my OB office. The doctor ended up having to open part of the incision (without anesthetic...OUCH) and insert some packing. Since then, I've been set up for an appointment at the wound clinic and I have a home health nurse coming to my home twice daily to pack the wound. Apparently, I now have a 6cm tunnel down into my abdomen. It's definitely going to take a lot longer to heal than I anticipated. I'm hoping to be completely healed before I go back to work in 8 weeks.

It's definitely been a rough road with the incision issues, some issues I've been having with breastfeeding, and just adjusting to having a baby, but I can't even begin to express how unbelievably blessed I feel. I was terrified to become a mother for so many reasons. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to bond with the little being that was inside of me, but as soon as I saw her, my heart grew 100 times it's size. I look at her in amazement and with complete love. Sometimes I just cry when I look at her because she's so precious. I can't believe how lucky I am.

It's getting close to her feeding time, so I'll just end with some pictures!
Right after she was born

In the hospital

On our way home

My little sweet pea...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAKER1009 12/6/2011 11:23AM

    Oh my she is just darling! I know everyone says all new babies are cute, but I don't think that's quite true. This little girl, cute as they come!
I hope you heal up soon and start feeling back to normal. I'm sure that you will be a wonderful mother! Great job!

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KELLIGIRL523 12/6/2011 10:07AM

    OMG! She is absolutely beautiful! Good job!

Congratulations!
> emoticon

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ALICIABORTON 12/2/2011 12:44PM

    C-sections are tough, I have two myself, and it always seems like there are other issues that follow them. She is beautiful though!

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BUTTERFLY0912 12/1/2011 4:50PM

    thanks for sharing it sounds like we have a few things in common with our birth stories. in the end it was all worth it :)

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TWINSMOMMY607 11/29/2011 10:07AM

    She is beautiful! Congratulations to you and your husband! I love her name!

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JAAM1224 11/8/2011 8:57AM

    Congrats and job well done, momma!!! Pit is just awwwwwful!!! Having had 3 unmedicated births and 2 with Pit.. I would take completely unmedicated anyday!!! Csections are very hard, both physically and emotionally. Take care of yourself and go very slooooow with your recover. Csections are MAJOR abdominal surgery and not to be just "gotten over" not matter how many are performed daily. emoticon Try to relax and enjoy mommyhood.. these days will never happen again.. enjoy your sweet little one.

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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 10/18/2011 6:02PM

    Congrats...shes adorable.....

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BALANCEDLIFE4ME 10/18/2011 5:05PM

    Congratulations! She's beautiful!

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DOROTHYTHEDOT 10/18/2011 4:27PM

    Sooooooooooo pretty... Love her name!!! SHe's so little and her eyes are so big and curious! :) Gorgeous and congrats!

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KATYMARIA 10/18/2011 4:13PM

    Lovely. I love hearing peoples stories. I am sorry it didnt go according to plan but glad she is hear happy and healthy! She is very sweet!

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MELLYBEANS0919 10/16/2011 8:54PM

  Congrats! She is super sweet!!

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JENNA-P 10/16/2011 8:50PM

    She's so adorable. Sorry to hear that you had such a rough labour, but I"m happy to hear that your little one arrived safe and sound. I wish you a speedy recovery :)

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PURPLEVALENTINE 10/16/2011 8:46PM

    She is precious!

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DIAMONDMAMA 10/4/2011 5:28PM

    Congrats!! Wishing you a speedy recovery and remember to savory all the special moments, they grow up way too fast!!

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ANNE7X7 10/4/2011 2:41PM

    Wow! What an amazing story! She is beautiful!!! Congrats!!!! I'm so glad that both you and baby are healthy! Such a cute name too!!

Can't wait to see more pictures!!

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FIT_N_HEALTHY 10/4/2011 1:02AM

    Wow what a touching birthing story! I am due this Sunday and my doctor thinks I will have to be induced because she is still sky high and I am only 1/2 centimeter dialated. I am so scared that I will have to have a c-section as well because they are thinking the baby is pretty big too just from the looks of me!!! Well I wish you a rapid recovery from your c-section and lots of bonding time with your sweet looking baby girl!!! You and I will have to be team mates and push eachother to lose that post baby weight!!!

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PSMITH3841 9/30/2011 11:11AM

    She is so alert and seems very focused for a newborn.... I don't think this wee one is going to miss much! I bet she'll keep Mommy & Daddy on their toes! Just too, too cute! Congrats!

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WANT2BEFIT10 9/29/2011 11:09PM

    CONGRATS NICOLE!!!! I am so happy for you :) Enjoy her! They grow up so dang fast!

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MELSY82 9/29/2011 11:40AM

    Nicole, she is beautiful!!! Sorry to heard that you have had a rough time throughout, but your love for your little girl clearly outshines it all. I am so overjoyed for you.

Congratulations MOM! emoticon

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LEASIM1231 9/29/2011 4:16AM

    Oh, sounds like it was a bit rough for you. It will only get better! She is precious! I love the hats!

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BONJI40 9/28/2011 4:17PM

    Oh Nicole!!! Adelyn is beautiful!! Her eyes are just so sweet. Love that picture where's shes wearing the cute little blue hat. Looks like she's giving the "peace out dude" sign!

I'm sorry for the complications you've had, but hopefully now you can heal up, continue breastfeeding and let the adventure of motherhood begin!!
Big hugs to all of you!!!!
Carrie

Comment edited on: 9/28/2011 4:18:45 PM

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FITBECKSRN24 9/28/2011 10:26AM

    she is so so beautiful!! sorry to hear your having issues with your incision, but im glad your little lady is doing ok =)

my mom had pitocin twice (one natural, one with an epidural) and for my sister she went into labor naturally and had no drugs. she said by far the worst was the pitocin with no drugs. she said they hurt way more than her natural labor pains, even at their worst! its so crazy!




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SNUGGLY4U 9/28/2011 10:20AM

    She's beautiful!

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IDSWEETHEART79 9/27/2011 2:38PM

    What a beautiful little girl! Congrats on your amazing gift!

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KARVY09 9/26/2011 8:06PM

    She's adorable. I love, love, love the name. I'm sorry your labor didn't go as planned, but I'm glad the end result was good. Please take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything!

Thank you for sharing!

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HOT4TEACHER2010 9/26/2011 4:57PM

    Congrats on your beautiful daughter! Glad you are both doing well. :)

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POOKEY1410 9/26/2011 1:51PM

    aww she is beautiful i had a c-section with my twin boys mine opend up as well and was leaking fulid they tell u dont do anything for 6 weeks not even driving and for me not to pick both babies up at teh same time well i didnt know that afte the 3rd week i started to feel better its going to take some time and healing just dont beand or pick up anything take care and ge some rest when u can

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ONE*BUSY*MOM 9/26/2011 1:25PM

    Congrats! What a gorgeous little baby.

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LINDSAYHENNIGAN 9/26/2011 11:48AM

    Congratulations, babies are amazing. Well done mommy.

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ABETTERBECKY 9/26/2011 11:01AM

    congrats on the healthy baby girl. here's wishing for a quick recovery for you!! all the best.

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LORIBURKS1 9/26/2011 10:56AM

    Now that's a birth story you won't soon forget! Miss chatting with you but glad you are enjoying your beautiful baby girl. Hope you're surprised and you heal faster than expected.

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BURGHGIRL 9/26/2011 10:04AM

    Congratulations! She is beautiful!!!!!! Take care of your self, your new little angel and enjoy this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SWEETNEENI 9/26/2011 8:56AM

    Gosh, she's CUTE! Enjoy her! emoticon

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PURPLEVALENTINE 9/26/2011 7:08AM

    She is beautiful!! Congrats! emoticon emoticon

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CANDOK1260 9/26/2011 12:37AM

    great pic, beautiful baby sorry her birth was so difficult for you

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MISSCOFFEY 9/25/2011 9:24PM

    Thank you for posting this! Your little girl is so precious and so very cute! Hey, one plus to having a c-section is you get 8 weeks off from work instead of 6. You made it through one heck of a delivery ... she is blessed to have such a strong mommy. Take it easy while you heal and enjoy your little angel. emoticon

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SKFEREBEE 9/25/2011 9:20PM

    She is just beautiful, but you already knew that didn't you! Congrats Mom! You did great and hope your health gets back on track soon. Whatever you have to go through, it's all worth it when you have a little one as a reward.

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APIRLRAIN888 9/25/2011 9:04PM

    congratz

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KATIE_DREAMSBIG 9/25/2011 7:53PM

    She is beautiful, love the pics!! ahhhh.... emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 9/25/2011 7:28PM

    Cute!!
emoticon

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KRISSYSWIM16 9/25/2011 7:02PM

    she is absolutely adorable!!! Im sorry are you having some issues. PLEASE text me if youneed anything. Also I dont see so it can be any time of day haha
Enjoy her! they really do grow up fast! emoticon
congrats!

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BUTTERFLY0912 9/25/2011 6:55PM

    thanks for sharing. i know how you feel about it all being worth it she is a beautiful baby congrats again :)

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ANGELAK85 9/25/2011 6:27PM

    Very touching story. I am sorry you went through SO much during the labor, but I am extremely happy that she came out healthy and in the end you are healthy and well too. I could not wait to read this story, I looked EVERY day lol!! She is absolutely beautiful and I love the name you picked for her and I love the meaning of the name.

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CRYSTAL8488 9/25/2011 6:24PM

    She's beautiful and love her name!! I hope you heal very quickly. Congrats on the lovely addition to your family. emoticon

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Baby shower and food poisoning all in the same week!

Friday, August 19, 2011

It's definitely been a rough few weeks to say the least. I started having some difficulties with high blood pressure a few weeks ago. As of right now, I'm not on any medication, which is good. I get my blood pressure taken every day and as of recently, I've been getting blood work and non stress tests done weekly. Hopefully my blood work will continue to be good and I won't end up with preclampsia. I only have a few more weeks to go!

My baby shower was on the 7th, and the week before was pretty stressful. Because of some circumstances, I ended up having to do a lot of the planning, the work, and food preparation for the shower. I was beginning to wonder if I could pull it all together! Saturday before the shower we got the hall pretty well set up. We got done around 1pm, and my husband and I decided to separately run some errands. I was starving (of course), so I stopped for some lunch on the way home. I ate my sandwich around 1:30 and about 2 hours later I started feeling a little...off. I was a little nauseated and my stomach started cramping a little. at first, I thought it was braxton hicks contractions and that the nausea was just from the heat.

My husband and I had to attend a Baptism and party afterwards. There was a huge spread of food and I didn't want to touch any of it...not even a CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER CUP CUPCAKE!!!! What? We then went to his parents' house for a short visit and I started getting more cramping and nausea. We left their house so I could go home and just go to bed. Well, around 11pm, I the spasms were coming frequently and I started throwing up with some of them. I honestly thought that I was having contractions. I even started timing them! At one point, they were about 4 minutes apart and ranged from 1min to 1min 30 seconds long, so I thought, "Holy crap, I think I'm in labor"! I called the labor room, told them my symptoms, and they told me to come in and get checked. We got there about 15 mins later. I was hooked up to the monitor, they took some blood, and they checked me. I wasn't dilated and what I thought were contractions weren't "labor contractions". I also had a fever. They looked at the results of my blood work, which indicated I was dehydrated and my white blood cell count was elevated. They gave me some IV fluids, medication for the nausea, and told me it was most likely "something funky with my lunch" that was causing the problems. They monitored me through the night. Although my midwife was thinking about keeping me longer for observation, she allowed me to go home at 10:30 the next morning so that I could attend my baby shower.

I went home and rested for a little while and then pulled myself together to get to my shower. I can not say enough about how my husband stepped up to the plate that morning. He got all of the food ready that I still had to prepare, finished getting the hall ready, and decided to attend the whole shower with me instead of just showing up at the end.

I got to the shower and honestly, don't remember much of it. I was still feeling sick and I was just pretty much out of it. The shower ended around 5, and we were cleaning up (well, not me...I was kind of sitting there praying that I wouldn't throw up in the church hall). We got the gifts home and I pretty much collapsed into the bed. About 3 hours later, I started throwing up again. It progressed to the point that I couldn't keep any fluids at all down and the contraction type pains were back with a vengeance. Around midnight, I couldn't pry myself off of the bathroom floor because it hurt so bad to move. I called the labor room and back I went.

This time, my fever was even higher and I was even more dehydrated. My little girl was having some signs of distress because of my fever. Within minutes, I was surrounded by the big kahuna perinatologist at the hospital, 2 midwives, and a slew of nurses. They were giving me oxygen, putting 2 IV's in my arms, and stuffing me full of IV fluids, anti-biotics, anti-nausea medication, and Tylenol for the fever. Thankfully, she started responding to the treatment! I was still struggling a little though. I started having actual contractions and dilated a little. Thankfully, with all of the interventions, the contractions stopped as well as the dilation.

The perinatologist thinks it actually might have been Listeria. YIKES! I was on round after round of penicillin, ampicillin, and was sent home with 10 days of amoxicillin. Finally, the ordeal was over and I was sent home Tuesday afternoon. I was still pretty sick and exhausted up until this past Tuesday! It definitely has been a struggle over the past couple of weeks, but I'm so lucky that I'm feeling better and the baby is doing well. I just have to keep her in a few more weeks!

I'm still having some difficulties with my blood pressure, which is being monitored carefully. They're guessing that she's going to be a pretty big baby, so I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to see just how much bigger she's grown since my 32 week ultrasound. I would prefer not to try to birth a toddler, so if she's getting a little too large, my midwife is talking about inducing at 39 weeks. I don't know how I feel about induction. I would definitely prefer to go into labor on my own, but the thought of trying to push out a 10+ pound baby is a little frightening! I guess we'll just see what the ultrasound says next week.

Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for now. I thought I'd attach some pictures of the shower. I'm very thankful that a friend of mine took a lot of pictures, so I can actually see who was all there!

The hall:

The cake!!!

Me with some of my greatest friends:

Me with my MIL

Me and my grandmother (My "Nama") I'm so thankful she was able to make it. My pap isn't doing well, and she was worried about leaving him for the day. I'm so excited for them to meet this little one. They've only been asking me to have a baby for the past 15 years! HA!


Hopefully these next 3 weeks will go a whole lot smoother than the past 3! As much as I'm still pretty scared about becoming a mother, I'm just as excited to meet this little lady!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 10/18/2011 6:03PM

    That is the most amazing cake....

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KRISSYSWIM16 8/26/2011 7:29PM

    OH MY GOODNESS! this is what happens when I go out of town and then move and have no internet- I miss everything! You should have texted me (esp if you were bored in the hospital) although, you probably werent in the mood for anything!
Im so sorry that happened! But I hope you and the baby are doing better.
And you look AMAZING!!!! Love the dress!! you are defiantly glowing and you have ankles! haha I didnt have ankles when I was pregnant haha

Ok. talk to you soon. Hope all is well. I havent talked to you in FOREVER! emoticon

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LINDSAYHENNIGAN 8/23/2011 4:01PM

    How scary. Doctors are amazing sometimes though. One of the body's natural defenses to food poisoning late in pregnancy is to deliver the baby early, which is why castor oil works to induce labor. I sure am proud of you for going in to the ER twice, when I am sure you just wanted to pass out on the bathroom floor. Well done, and I am waiting for great news.

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LEASIM1231 8/22/2011 1:32PM

    That is one of the best cakes I have ever seen!

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FITBECKSRN24 8/22/2011 10:37AM

    i agree, you look great!! you dont even look sick! glad you are feeling better....i cant even imagine how scary that must've been!

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BUTTERFLY0912 8/21/2011 7:56PM

    you look great i would have never known you were sick. your pictures turned out great very pretty hall and cute cake :) glad to hear your better? did you get everything you wanted at the baby shower?

Comment edited on: 8/21/2011 7:57:41 PM

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APIRLRAIN888 8/19/2011 3:05PM

    cute pics!! congratz

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KAMAPERRY 8/19/2011 1:16PM

    Get well soon! Cute cake!

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SKFEREBEE 8/19/2011 11:07AM

    What a horrible experience! I would expect nothing less from your DH. It was YOUR day even if you didn't feel well. Glad you and baby are ok now.

Don't be scared to be induced. I was supposed to be induced on my first pregnancy. Went into natural labor the night before~21 hour labor ensued and DS ended up with an infection and in the hospital for 4 days. Second pregnancy I was induced. 5 1/2 hour labor~much better experience. If you are using an epidural it will be easier to handle the induction. It won't be long now!

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NATPLUMMER 8/19/2011 10:39AM

    Whew! I'm glad you are feeling better now. Listeria is bad.
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MISSCOFFEY 8/19/2011 10:19AM

    How come you look so happy and cheerful in your pictures when you felt miserable? It can only mean one thing .... you're a terrific actress!! I'm thankful you're feeling better and the baby's okay. Can't wait to hear more news!

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WELLNESSME09 8/19/2011 9:42AM

    WOW! that was quite the experience you had, I'm happy for you that everything turned out in the end.
Best wishes to you and yours on the arrival of the little lady. emoticon

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POOHLA711 8/19/2011 9:40AM

    I'm so sorry you got sick and I'm glad you're feeling better!

I have to tell you that you look AMAZING. Simply beautiful. You can't tell at all in the pics that you weren't feeling well. You look so happy and just "glowy"

And what an adorable cake!!


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