NEW_MEGAN's Recent Blog Entries

2 Years Later And...

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Wow. I just re-read that blog entry from April 2007 and all I can say is Wow. Not much has changed in 2 years! At that point I had been working with a trainer for about 2 months so I had lost *some* weight but not a lot. My weight now is probably very close to what it was then (maybe just a little lower now). I'm in the "I can't do this" rut again, but my rationale is different this time.

This time it's because I took a year off. In that year, I gained back approximately 15 pounds of the 39 I worked so very hard to lose. I'm trying to get back into a good, healthy routine and I'm finding out that it's HARD. Part of me feels like I missed my window... I blew the chance that I had 2 years ago. I made such positive changes and I was doing SO WELL. For the first time in a long time, I didn't completely hate myself every time I looked in a mirror. I actually felt CUTE from time to time. I was back in a size 12 jeans and was very close to fitting into a size 10.

And then I quit. I sat on a plateau for several months, not gaining but not losing even with working out 3 times a week, and I got complacent. I convinced myself that I didn't need a trainer anymore and could do it on my own. I COULD have, but I didn't. I got lazy and unmotivated and before I knew it, it had been 6 months since I had set foot in my gym (even after renewing my contract AND adding my husband and son as members).

So now here I am. Not quite back to square one but feeling worse than if I were. Because now I've had a taste of it... now I KNOW that I *can* do it, I'm just *not* doing it. In 2007 it was very easy to convince myself that I was just not physically capable of losing the weight and looking better. Now I know that's not so, and it hurts. It hurts to look in the mirror and see that tummy pooch again. It hurts to have to wear size 14 jeans instead of size 12. It hurts to look at my old Before & After picture and wish with all my heart that I still looked like the "After" girl.

I will be 40 next April. I absolutely can NOT turn 40 and still feel this way about myself. I just can't. So I've hired a trainer again and I'm working out regularly again and I'm going to try to get back on track. I don't want to settle for sitting on the plateau I reached in 2008... I want to keep pushing and eventually hit my goal weight (which I haven't seen since approximately 1990 when I was 20). But I tell you what... it's HARD this time around. I'm doing exercises that are not nearly as difficult as what I was doing a year ago and I am *struggling*. I keep hoping that my body will soon remember that I used to do this all the time and that, one day, it will be easier. It's only been two weeks so I need to give it more time. It's just very difficult. I'm very hard on myself, and this is as much a mental battle as it is a physical one.

But I'm trying.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISARAY76 12/9/2009 2:48PM

    I can completely relate to you. I started April 2008 and I lost 28 pounds just to gain most of it back. I was in a size 12 and now I'm in a 14. It is frustrating, but just keep trying. You WILL succeed!

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Losing Momentum

Friday, April 20, 2007

I've been working really hard the past 10 weeks, working out and dieting, really trying to lose weight and get in shape. I've made some progress, yes. I've lost 15 pounds and dropped one pants size.

But it's getting really, really hard to keep up.

When I first made the decision to do this, I was committed. I was incredibly diligent about measuring my food, keeping a food log, eating 5 smaller meals instead of 2 or 3 larger meals, and exercising regularly. The last 2 weeks have been going downhill fast.

I find myself skipping workouts more often. I find myself eating bad foods more often. I find myself having a bad attitude a lot more often.

One thing I've come to realize over the past 10 weeks is that this whole diet/exercise/weight loss thing is more mental than anything else. The Mental Game is such a huge part of it. *Doing* something is much easier than *convincing yourself* you are going to do it. I even said that to my trainer not long ago. I was having a really hard time during a workout and I told him I was having a bad case of "I can't do this" that day. He said something about "I don't want to" and I said no... it's not that. I DO want to, but I swear to god I feel like I can't today.

And that feeling has been getting progressively worse.

You'd think that making progress would be reason enough to continue. Well, in some ways it is and in other ways it's not. I'm making progress, yes... but not as much as I'd like. Not as much as other people seem to make. Not enough that you can look at me and tell (how sad is that? I've dropped a pants size and you can't even tell). So, while I'm very glad and thankful for the progress I've made, I'm more discouraged than encouraged because I feel like I will never, ever reach my goals.

I have a trip coming up at the end of June and I have (had) goals for the weight I want to be by that time. It's just plain not going to happen. I have revised my goals to reflect what I consider to be "acceptable" progress for that time. I may or may not make it. My trainer says for sure I will... but I'm not so sure.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that it's hard. It's even a lot harder than I thought it would be. And I am losing faith in myself and my momentum and my motivation, and I am terrified that this is going to be yet something else that I fail at. I feel like I am destined to be fat forever.

I need a major pep talk.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEW_MEGAN 4/20/2007 4:29PM

    Thank you, Kelly. :)

Believe it or not, I have been doing those things that you suggested. I did *so well* for the first 8 or 9 weeks. I had a great attitude, I was very committed and very motivated and very positive about the whole thing.

I'm still (somewhat) positive about things, I'm just finding it harder and harder to maintain that committed, in-it-for-the-long-haul mindset.

And it hasn't been a sudden, overnight thing. It's been gradual over the past 2 weeks. You know... one day I talk myself out of going to the gym because I have a headache... but it's ok, because I'll go tomorrow. And one day I have a snack in bed at midnight... but it's ok, because I haven't done that in weeks. And suddenly I feel like I'm almost back at square one with my attitude and habits. It's HARD!

And I guess another big part of the problem is that *I* don't see any changes in me yet. Even after dropping a pants size. Maybe I'm blind, but I just don't see it. And it's hard to feel like I'm working SO HARD and for SO LONG with nothing to show for it. And even if it does show... I still have SO FAR to go.

I just need a pep talk. I need to get my head right. I need to shake this off and get back into it full force.

Thank you again, though, for your sweet and positive comments. :)

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KELLY130 4/20/2007 4:23PM

    don;t think of it as a diet. think of it as a whole new way of being. if you stop thinking about it in a negative way, i.e. damn i am dieting i really want that cake, and think of it as wow, i am healthy, i love working out, i look fantastic, its way easier to stick with. also, dont deprive yourself of the treats that you crave!!! have a bite or two of that super yummy choco fudge cake. that way, your body doesnt feel deprived, its gettign the yummy things it wants. good luck!!! and congrats on 15 pounds!! thats awesome

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Trying to Stick With It

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

So. I've been working with my personal trainer since Feb. 6. I love working with him - I really, really do. And I get so much more done when I work out with him than when I work out alone! But it's getting frustrating not seeing results for 2 weeks in a row now.

I keep telling myself several things:
1. This doesn't happen overnight. It took months to put the weight on, it's going to take just as long (if not longer) to take it off.
2. Muscle weighs more than fat. Just because I have a week or two of no weight loss doesn't mean I'm not making PROGRESS.
3. I AM getting stronger. He's even said so. He has commented twice now on the fact that he's bumping up my workouts because I'm progressing.
4. What I'm doing is good for me, even if the results aren't immediate. I am doing the right thing.

But I can't help it... some days I just NEED to see that scale have a lower number on it. I NEED to put on a pair of jeans and feel like they are looser. I NEED to look in the mirror and not HATE what I see.

I just need it.

I'm trying. I really am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILOLME105 3/14/2007 6:08PM

    I know you trying. and you right about all those reason why you haven't lost weight. My suggestion is to loose the scale atleast for a while. If you feel you've been eating health and exercising well leave the scale alone. It measures your weight not your success.

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