Friday, April 20, 2007
I've been working really hard the past 10 weeks, working out and dieting, really trying to lose weight and get in shape. I've made some progress, yes. I've lost 15 pounds and dropped one pants size.
But it's getting really, really hard to keep up.
When I first made the decision to do this, I was committed. I was incredibly diligent about measuring my food, keeping a food log, eating 5 smaller meals instead of 2 or 3 larger meals, and exercising regularly. The last 2 weeks have been going downhill fast.
I find myself skipping workouts more often. I find myself eating bad foods more often. I find myself having a bad attitude a lot more often.
One thing I've come to realize over the past 10 weeks is that this whole diet/exercise/weight loss thing is more mental than anything else. The Mental Game is such a huge part of it. *Doing* something is much easier than *convincing yourself* you are going to do it. I even said that to my trainer not long ago. I was having a really hard time during a workout and I told him I was having a bad case of "I can't do this" that day. He said something about "I don't want to" and I said no... it's not that. I DO want to, but I swear to god I feel like I can't today.
And that feeling has been getting progressively worse.
You'd think that making progress would be reason enough to continue. Well, in some ways it is and in other ways it's not. I'm making progress, yes... but not as much as I'd like. Not as much as other people seem to make. Not enough that you can look at me and tell (how sad is that? I've dropped a pants size and you can't even tell). So, while I'm very glad and thankful for the progress I've made, I'm more discouraged than encouraged because I feel like I will never, ever reach my goals.
I have a trip coming up at the end of June and I have (had) goals for the weight I want to be by that time. It's just plain not going to happen. I have revised my goals to reflect what I consider to be "acceptable" progress for that time. I may or may not make it. My trainer says for sure I will... but I'm not so sure.
Anyway. I just wanted to say that it's hard. It's even a lot harder than I thought it would be. And I am losing faith in myself and my momentum and my motivation, and I am terrified that this is going to be yet something else that I fail at. I feel like I am destined to be fat forever.
I need a major pep talk.