Last fall I was involved in a TOPS group in LA ... While in this group I did what is called the 28 day meal plan. It is TOPS structured diet plan. One of the things that i had to do was keep a very detailed food journal and regular journal so i did this in one notebook. i found this book this week. I named it "The Truth Book ". So I have been reading over what I had written very enlightening. On day 4 of this notebook I make observations about myself. The first one is well I broke down my emotions as per how they related to food. Sweets for depression, the almighty chocolate for anxiety,deep southern cooking for comfort, eating out for happy not eating for sad. Wow that is sad to read that i really know what foods make each emotion better. I had so many feeling locked up inside that i could not get anything write with dieting or changing my life. At the end of the of day 4 i made a promise to myself to become emotionally naked through the 28 day plan. I worked hard to do this . Any one that knows me knows that was not easy as you would think it would be. I am a very emotional person. Emotions good or bad are felt to the bottom of my soul. I have always had them to the deepest part of me. Nothing is unemotional to me, there is a feeling attached to every thing. However that does not mean that i cant change some things.though becoming emotionally naked I learned that it was not really food that was making this better. I decided to change the habits and my goodness it was the hardest thing i ever did . When I am depressed I write or read something. reading helps to focus my mind on something besides the problem or food. Anxiety and anger i move I will go for a walk or find something that needs to be deep cleaned really anything that makes me exert a lot of emotion physically. The hardest one was dealing with the every day emotions of happy and sad because really in a day you can change emotions quickly this is where my support systems comes into play i talk a lot of what is going on. I have never liked feeling like i was a burden to anyone but sometimes it is just sharing not really a burden to them besides my support system of friends and family really encourage this of me. I am happy to say that after all these years I feel like i am in control of my emotions instead of them being my excuse. I give emotions the respect that they deserve because as i was told last night they are to intense in me to ignore them. However It was when i stopped burying or ignoring them and faced them is when they become a healthy part of my weight loss journey to a healthy me. Emotionally naked was the biggest step for me and the hardest to take but it was worth the work that it took.
In the morning I sit having my coffee reading articles or blogs or just writing. As of lately I find myself rolling my eyes more and more. Over the years people (family and friends) have had concerns over my weight for as far back as I can remember. With every new fad diet or surgical procedure that was introduced to society I had one of these well intention heart felt conversations over what i should be doing to lose this weight. Some of my favorites ... my mom when i was i guess 11 or 12 would fix me green beans and thin steaks for dinner she was convinced that this was the way to lose weight no carbs what so ever lol... i guess i was about 18 when i was introduced to the starvation diet ... less than six hundred calories a day ... in my twenties ... it was constant walking eat whatever you want but walk and walk and walk .... entering into the thirties it was the almighty Atkins diet ... really that one almost killed me ... This is when my doctor told me that I was hurting myself trying all this fad dieting ... you are what i call a healthy fat person ... imagine that really ... he said that i had to realize i would never be a size two and accept that.... By the mid thirties the surgery was coming in to play oh everyone thought i should jump on the gastric bypass ban wagon but to be honest I am petrified of any kinda surgery where they have to cut into my stomach, My mom died of colon cancer that had spread once they opened up her abdomen to remove the tumor ... so i have never realistically considered surgery, In the world that we live in we want everything right now right this minute instant gratification well guess what you don't always get what you want. I am so sick of looking at thin people telling me to take this pill, oh yea the sprinkle on the food now that one kills me lol I am tired of people promoting surgeries like gastric bypass, the lap band, some called POSE Really weight loss is not suppose to be easy, in my opinion if it were then it would not last think about it all the things in your life the ones that meant the most are the ones that you had to dig in fight for.I have figured out how i got to this size it was easy let me tell you .... it took a plate a fork little exercise and bad choices ... So now let me tell you how the weight is coming off one pound at a time ... a plate a fork regular exercise and better choices... Sounds simple huh well it isn't every day is a trial of wills but I do know one thing for sure for as hard as i am fighting to take this weight off at 41 years old I know that I have made the best choice for me. I know that some people must do something drastic as surgery to get their weight under control and i am not making light of their battle ... i am just saying that it should be an option but not the only option because in the end even if you get the surgery ... you still have to do the same thing as me you will just have more heath issues to do while you do it. There are no miracle weight loss things I am sorry but you cant eat what you want to and you do have to exercise to have true weight loss. So the best way is start figuring out how to live with real food and exercise so that you will only have to do the really hard part once. You will eventually have to live without diet aids and learn how to maintain with out the help of that foreign stuff if not are you really healthy in the end.
This morning I was doing what has become my normal as of lately reading on Sparkpeople in one of the blogs I found a linc to the following the story http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2010/03/o ld_bridge_woman_who_wants_to.html. This is a story about a woman who wants to weigh a thousand pounds I couldnt believe what i was reading. She was being offered money to appear on shows like Dr. Phil, something on the O network and so on. Honestly I felt nausious as read the story. I along with most of the people know the importance of a healthy diet and exercise, and here is this woman that is making a mockery of all that we believe. She is up to 605 pounds at the time of the article and eating something like 12,000 calories a day. Omg can you imagine what the esteem level must be to do that to yourself. I was astounded by the whole thing, however to learn that she makes money by videoing herself doing chores in very little clothing for this other website called supersizedbombshells.com when i clicked that linc i literally began to cry for these poor women. When i saw them it was like watching the world laughing at them. Then I was pissed because these women have a forum that speaks for all larger women. And since I am in that group well I think they need help. Sexuality doesnt come from wearing a thong or a teddy sexuallity comes from how you portray yourself to the world. Maybe we should stop looking for sexuality and start looking for pure beauty in the world. I have never said i was an ugly person I just said i was no size three. I learned a long time ago that i was a beautiful, intelligent classy lady. I have never been referred to as a woman well honestly because my daddy said that the term was something less than lady like. I was raised to have the up most respect for myself and others as well. I was called one time a BBW ( big Beautiful Woman) and well that person learned real quick that I do consider that a compliment at all. I strive equallity and i have never heard a skinny lady referred to as a sbw (skinny Beautiful woman). My weight does not define nor should it be in any defination of me. Ladies come on please for the love of god find the respect for yourself not to be used in this manner. there is not much that has to do with being fat that makes me want to go hide because well i strive to change that fact everyday however what i saw and read this morning made me wanted to go hide under the covers for a long time. There are plenty of ladies that very appealing as a larger size lady and there are plenty of unappealing skinny people all i am saying is that i am not sure that the internet should be used to show the world all of your business. This blog was not meant to offend anyone it was just to vent off my frustration for women of any size needing to be admired or made to feel worthy that they allow themselves to be used in the manner that these ladies are allowing. Shame on them and i hope that they dont lose to much of themselves that they cant fix this problem in the long run and have a truly healthy and happy life.
This week I have been visiting my brother at his house. Last night he asked me " can i ask you something without you being offended ?" I answered sure ... he said you are always looking at recipes or reading articles on food Do you think of food all the time? I told him of course not and pointed out that the article i was reading was on what to eat before and after a workout. This made me think do i always think of food? well I guess the answer would be yes to that question.In changing my life i have to be mindful all the time of what i am eating how much i am eating. I have to find a version of a food or recipe that I will eat, how it is going to be prepared , is it something that every one in the house will eat and if not then i have to figure out what i will have to fix them to eat. This morning i watched a video blog of a gentleman that faced his fear of the gym earlier in the week and then that lead me to thinking some more. So the truth is I think I am constantly thinking of food because i am afraid of failure I must lose this weight at all cost. So yea it is usually on my mind but not that I am hungry but to make sure that i equip myself well enough to make through the bad moments. This is very conscious choice that i made to change my life however to change my life i am having to change my life all parts of it not just one or two things. The other thing is that i have never understood food and its make up and how it affects the body.... So one thing is that i have been learning more about food as a nutrient to fuel a healthy me , not a comfort to make me feel better than worst again. It is like therapy almost me on one end of the couch and the food on the other end. Food is like the bad boyfriend that you cant get rid of ... he is bad for you so you have to retrain yourself to believe that he can be good with your help. Ok so i know this made no sense what so ever but i had to get it all out of brain lol. have a great day
Yesterday was a rough day for me.. Not sure what happened but emotionally I bottomed out and really didn't want to do anything or see any one. As a person that suffers from heightened stress and depression some days are just like that. I spent four hours sitting and crying and really cant figure out why i was just that is what was happening. The relaxation methods didn't ease the stress so i went to bed feeling like crap. This morning when I got up i washed my face looked in the mirror and said you have two choices tink you can either walk or crawl. i made my coffee as usual and i had this one thought in my head that said just go back to bed and sleep this off.. I got up at this point and said NO i will not give in to this feeling I am going to have a better day if it kills me. I cleaned up the house mopping and vacuuming ... then i fixed me a good breakfast got dressed and decided to leave the house ... I went to the walking track and did an hour walk. half way through a tear rolled down my cheek and walked harder and faster until the tears were not in my mind. every time i felt down today I moved. I can not and will not give into all the anxiety. this morning i read an article here on SP about rewarding yourself ... i kept reminding myself that i needed and was stronger than the anxiety, stress and depression. Today was hard but it was much better than yesterday. Made some phone calls and fixed some of the stress that was going on. pushed myself to stay mobile instead of laying in a dark room because well frankly i am so much more than a dark room. I know this blog doesn't make any sense but it is my way of saying if you want to past the I can not do it in this world then well that has to start with you. I took the lessons that i have been learning and applied them to try to get me mentally right so as not to sabotage myself. Oh and yea I love me enough to fight for the good days and kiss the bad ones good bye.