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The day after

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Yesterday was a rough day for me.. Not sure what happened but emotionally I bottomed out and really didn't want to do anything or see any one. As a person that suffers from heightened stress and depression some days are just like that. I spent four hours sitting and crying and really cant figure out why i was just that is what was happening. The relaxation methods didn't ease the stress so i went to bed feeling like crap. This morning when I got up i washed my face looked in the mirror and said you have two choices tink you can either walk or crawl. i made my coffee as usual and i had this one thought in my head that said just go back to bed and sleep this off.. I got up at this point and said NO i will not give in to this feeling I am going to have a better day if it kills me. I cleaned up the house mopping and vacuuming ... then i fixed me a good breakfast got dressed and decided to leave the house ... I went to the walking track and did an hour walk. half way through a tear rolled down my cheek and walked harder and faster until the tears were not in my mind. every time i felt down today I moved. I can not and will not give into all the anxiety. this morning i read an article here on SP about rewarding yourself ... i kept reminding myself that i needed and was stronger than the anxiety, stress and depression. Today was hard but it was much better than yesterday. Made some phone calls and fixed some of the stress that was going on. pushed myself to stay mobile instead of laying in a dark room because well frankly i am so much more than a dark room. I know this blog doesn't make any sense but it is my way of saying if you want to past the I can not do it in this world then well that has to start with you. I took the lessons that i have been learning and applied them to try to get me mentally right so as not to sabotage myself. Oh and yea I love me enough to fight for the good days and kiss the bad ones good bye. emoticon emoticon


the end of a very stressful weekend

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Today is the beginning of a new week on Spark people however it is the end of a very stressful and emotional week for me personally. I dont think i did terrible i just know i didnt do great either. For the first time I had to cook for a group including small children, this was compounded with the emotions that were going crazy inside of me. Sometimes I wish i was one of those people that could just say please grow up and let things go. Maybe one day i will be. I want to be happy I just dont know why happiness has to come at the cost of others. I am not sure where I am going with this entry except to say that my sugar cravings were worst because i was apparently trying to make to many people happy at one time. I need them to understand that I am no wonder woman I am just one person that wants everyone to be happy and safe. I just dont know how to tell them that the added stress of the holidays and attitudes is not helping my weight loss program. I really need all of them on my side ... this all gives new meaning to what I heard one time " if you are not part of the solution then you must be part of the problem". I wonder will they ever find the sacrificing love to help me in this journey I am on. emoticon


dear dad

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Dear Dad, Today is ten years sense God decided he needed you more than we did. I swear I think i miss you more today than I did the day you left. I wish i could tell you that i have done a great job in the years that have past by however as you know that is not the case. I am doing the best I can. I find myself these thinking back to all those things you said: put ten percent of your check back so you will never be broke, better lose that weight while you are young it only gets harder, treat everyone like you want to be treated, if you raise the boys right they will turn out just fine. Well i didnt put my 10% of my check up lol you were right about the weight it is harder as you get older but i am accomplishing it one pound at a time, I think in some ways i treat people to good because it is not returned in the same way but that is their issue not mine. The boys well now that i am not so sure of these days. Your oldest Grandson is going through a divorce and fighting so very hard for his children. Some days it seems like a losing battle but he says he will never give up as long as he has a breath in him. your youngest grandson well he got himself married last Dec. to well lets just say not the kinda chick that you bring home to momma which has led to him not talking to me. I miss him so much tomorrow is his birthday he will be 20. But dad he made this fight this time and well he has to learn that he cant just act any way he wants to. I wish you and mom were here to help on days like today. I miss you and i love you and thanks for listening on this good but sad day.

your angel


she is right and wrong all at the same time

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Yesterday while i was working outmy four year old grandson says " my mommy says it doesnt how much you work out you will always be fat." I thought about it for a while and he is right I never said i wanted to be 120 pound thin. The thing is that i am literally what they call big boned so i will never be thin the way he sees it right now, however I hope to never be this way either. I dont remember what 170 looks like so i can't tell you. All i can tell you is that at the end of this journey i may still never wear a bikini but at least i will feel better when i go to the beach with the grandsons. Yesterday also while outside playing with them we spent about 20 minutes just playing chase, this time last year i was walking with the assistance of a cane. So no thin but still a much better life. Thin isnt everything but health and well being are. I started this process last July and this week finally broke the fifty pound marker that is 50 pounds gone. That is huge to me still 11 more pounds to the first goal but i will get there without a doubt. So as they say out of the mouth of babes, this babe only has one thing to say to the mother of this child... I have learned over the past few months that people do not define me only i can do that. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WUV2BLOVED 4/10/2012 12:35PM

    Great job on your losses so far. Sounds like you have made up your mind to get healthy. Sometimes its the words of the babes that hit the closest to home because they are so honest with us. You will get to your goal, take it one day at a time along with one pound. What kind of plan are you following, if I may ask?

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CHERRYTOMATO 4/4/2012 12:14PM


First of all, your hard work is totally paying off, and you are being an amazing role model to that little boy! He is seeing that being active and eating healthy = a fun life. Which is a huge life lesson to learn, and hopefully it will be ingrained in him for his whole life. That is an amazing gift that YOU are giving to him!

Second, I feel a little sad for a 4 year old to be so concious of someone "being fat". I hope he is also surrounded by lots of postive talk about body image from his mama and dad, and other caretakers. It is so important for his long term self esteem!

I am so glad he has such a great role model in his grandma!

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RAE_LEIGH22 4/4/2012 7:10AM

    What an incredible blog! You should be proud of yourself for knowing that you are the one that defines yourself, or at least should be.

It can be tough to hear what kids have to say. You're right, though, health = thin isn't the whole equation.

Keep up that positive attitude, girl!

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Just a note.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

It has been a decent week ending with an awful night. On Thursday i had a doctor appointment where i was put on an arthritic and anxiety med. Last night I had a reaction to one or both drugs that took me to the hospital. I was treated and released. Today I feel just sluggish and drugged. I do not believe that I will be asking the doctor for anything again to help with anxiety. I will concentrate on other ways to help relieve the anxiety. It really is not worth me feeling that bad again. This week I took a wonderful walk at sunrise and visited with my brother. Those seemed to help so I will do that some more. They have tried anti anxiety meds in the past and although i did not have the reactions that i did last night I was never able to take them. So I am done with that approach. There is a topical ointment that works on the arthritis in my ankle, I will continue to work with my doctor to get it approved by my insurance company. If necessary i will do physical therapy again. There are other options rather than taking an oral prescription. I have never had much luck with many drugs my body just doesn't like the foreign things floating around inside I guess. at any rate like I said just a note. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICKAELAP 3/31/2012 2:54PM

    Well keep your head up. I have never liked taking pills for the fact the way they make me feel. But I did find out, with losing weight, and watching what I eat, I am off all meds. It has even helped with my RA. Good luck. Stay thinking positive;-)

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