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1/4/13 Day 4 : Greatest Fear

Friday, January 04, 2013

When you undertake something as large as I have the fears are by the magnitudes. The end number is so large that I cant think about that number . It is hard to believe that it is possible to loose that much weight and sometimes I tremble at the thought of it. But I have done already what so many cant or wont do.

Fear of not being able to sustain the loss once I hit maintenance stage . I am not sure I have this battle in me again so I have to keep it off and keep moving. The moving is the big thing for me. I have fought through now 5 surgeries on my feet and have been threatened with three of them of loosing my right foot. I fight to be able to walk and never take that for granted. There is always that possibility of being without my foot but I have come to terms with it and if it ever happens then i will just learn to walk a different way. But I have no intention of ever going back where I came from again . I can take the pain in my foot, I do every day but I can take being obese for the rest of my life.

How do I get up and do this again tomorrow .. That fear of being that poor little fat girl forever .. In my head there is a person that when I dont want to do this tomorrow because it is going to hurt they are on the ground pounding their fist saying come on you can do it .. take one more step .. that one step leads to a less pain and hopefully at the end of this walk of a lifetime i will be able to walk and not have pain with every step but if i do then so be it ... If it is going to hurt any way then I might as well make the best pain I can.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 1/6/2013 9:51AM

    My "journal" has been painful the past couple of days. It's hard giving up that little girl inside that is so afraid. But I keep looking at her as the adult I am today and assuring her that someone loves her (me) unconditionally. Someone told me that FEAR stands for "Flick Everything And Run". Well I choose to be Fearless today and do it anyways. I will deal with my fears as I go. The self talk starts today that I am worth this and I can do it!

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NGCHILD 1/4/2013 12:46PM

    All you can do is take one day at a time, one step at a time.

Hugs to you!!


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1/3/13 Day 3: Thinspirtation

Thursday, January 03, 2013

This is one of the most difficult of blogs to write for me. I just have never given thought to the end of the journey or what i would like to look like. I want to be sexy again of course but i dont want to get count up a lot of what i will look like because well I honestly dont know .. I never thought I would have the success that i have now .. so to go further out is like a dream world to me ... But keeping with a realistic view of me ... the following picture is probably pretty close ..

She is full figure sexy I believe .. I am never going to be a size 2 so I had to really think on this one .. the selling point in this picture is her stomach ... flat that is what i want .. the rest of me is just fine .. at the end of this when i reach goal of 165 pounds .. my hips probably wont be her size ... they are much smaller than that now. I will never wear those heels either but that is cool I have long legs and they are great in stature . I have changed so much so far that even when I showed my drivers license to a police officer he said are you sure this is you . So it is hard to phantom where I will be in a few months but If I have to choose something then I would hope close to her ..

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNUZSUZ 1/4/2013 5:53PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AZULVIOLETA6 1/3/2013 8:31PM

    Why not the heels? Those are the easiest part! :)

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MARYJEANSL 1/3/2013 8:21PM

  I think she looks great...and I suspect you will too!

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1/2/13 Day 2 : How tall are you ? Really

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

I am 5 feet 9 1/2 inches tall .. I am really lucky to be tall for a woman . My height has always given a certain kind of comfort. Maybe to comfortable at times . I dont slouch because well my dad was a Marine and I can walk across the room with a book on my head . I believe it is a great height because well if i weighed 288 at 5'2" I wouldnt look nearly this good. God knew I believe that I was going to have horrific feet and would never able to wear heels so he gave me enough height that I wouldnt have to lol.

In life we are given somethings and we have to work for others. building on your strengths like your height, using that to your advantage can only help in reaching your goals. Height is one of those things you really have no control over you are going to be as tall or short as you are suppose to be might as well use it. My legs are longer than torso so there for I have a larger stride which makes walking better for me. I know this seemed kinda like a weird blog .. it is part of a challenge picture i found lol .. I think that is by a teenager ... but it has some interesting topics ...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NGCHILD 1/3/2013 10:26AM

    I'm tall too 5'9" ... heels have never been for me!!


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DANILYNNG 1/2/2013 3:20PM

    5 foot even. I always walk tall and sit straight because it just feels better! emoticon

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NEPTUNE1939 1/2/2013 11:09AM

    You shrink with age - or so they say. When I had a fill head of hair I was 6' 1", now I'm 6' 0" and bald - emoticon Have a great year, Earl

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1/1/13 Day 1 : I think the gods are talking

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

When a new year starts for me I have to look back over the past year and see what was good and what was bad. If you have had the opportunity to read my recent blogs you will know that things are not all sugar and spice in my life right now. Yea I get down. On December the 26th i decided enough was enough and i was just focus on my program to the best of my ability. I went back to the one thing that helps with my emotions, walking. Walking is where I put my emotions out at. Recovering from surgery on my right foot has been tough. 12 weeks of no walking for exercise left me an emotional wreck. I set a goal of 2.5 miles a day on 12/26/2012 . It is tuough and it hurts but not nearly as bad as sitting around trying to deal with the walls that confine me. Three times this post week end I was reminded of how great walking is and how far I have come greatly in part to Spark people.

Friday I was walking . I dont run a race by no sense of the word . I caught a shadow out of the corner of my eye . This woman was all the sudden beside me . She was dressed in workout clothes looked to be in reasonable shape .. She said I hope I didnt scare you .. I said no it is alright ... She said I want to tell you something ... I ( raised an eyebrow) said alright ... She said I watched you go the first lap around and figured the way you are limping that I wouldnt see you come back around again .. She said you are on your third lap and limping worst ... I explained I had foot surgery 2 months ago .. she said I just want you to know that you inspired me to get out and do my exercise today. She said I can tell how determined you are and I want that determination .. I said Thank you ... and she said no thank you and then she started jogging .

Saturday out walking again .. There is the man sitting on a bench in the dog area ... he is larger (very) ... Make the loop and I come back around and he still sitting there looking at the ground .... make another loop around He is still sitting looking at the ground .. but you know how you get that feeling that someone is staring at you as i passed i got that feeling ... So the last loop around he as the edge of the road ... he said you know if you walk to the donuts shop it won't hurt so much ... I said ... well you know I walked to that donuts shop for years and that is why this hurts this much now ... he laughed that fat body laugh .. I said seriously .. I understand but I will tell you that it doesnt get easier tomorrow but 6 months from now it will be the best thing you do all day long ..if you ever want to just walk the loop i will walk with you but no donuts for me .. He then told me about his numerous reasons why he cant do that .. I said I am sorry to hear that but if you change your mind ... let me know and i went to finish my walk .. I felt great because well I am not him any more.

This afternoon back in MS I went to walk lol .. yea i know redundant but I love it so even as sick as I am right now i am committed to getting back on track .. A Neighbor that hasnt seem me in over a year now .. came out and said My god you look great .. I have the flu really I dont but I said thank you ... She said you need to come over and have ( wait for it) coffee and cake tomorrow .. I have your favorite i think .. i said dont tell me sour cream pound cake she said yes homemade ..I think i gained 10 pounds at the thought of her sour cream pound cake .. I said i cant eat that .. she said oh you are on a diet huh , you have lost a lot of weight .. i said no it is a spark change and then explained the site .. then being the good MS person she is she said well one piece wont hurt you emoticon .. I said i will come visit but no cake for me she sighed and agreed lol

I searched it out for calories ... now she uses Paula Deans Recipe lol 1/16 ( which in MS is a crumb ) is 394 calories and has 17 grams of fat ... and then add coffee to that with cream and splenda assume that I have only one cup .. i could be up to 500 calories .. Today I walked 2.95 miles in 62 min ( remember I am not running a race.) i burned off 450 calories so no i wont be going to visit at least not as long as she has cake in her house lol.

stats 1/1/13
weight :288.4

Measurements :
Waist 45
Hips; 43
Thighs 26.6
Biceps 14.48
Neck 17.48
Calf 19.41

pounds lost on Spark in 2012 : 44
pounds lost through journey :78

BMI ; 42.6

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COOKIE_AT_51 1/3/2013 9:08PM

    I am really determined to make this year my year. emoticon

I like your thought of getting to 199.9 by January 1st of 2014. emoticon

I am glad you are walking again. Be careful not to push things that you injure yourself so you can't walk. emoticon

As you can see I have been "creeping" your recent blogs emoticon I hope you don't mind me borrowing some of these same goals ... they are great! emoticon

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The end of the 2012 .. streak , numbers and thoughts ...

Sunday, December 30, 2012

So here we are at the end of 2012, where are we ? Well for me i think I am on a good track if the numbers say anything . Today when i put in my ipod info into I realized that since June I have walked 195 miles . Not shabby considering every step I make is in pain. I do it for the belief that maybe one day my feet wont hurt all the time. Even though they hurt I make myself get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Why because if I dont one day I will not be able to walk on them at all.

I set out before surgery to make it to 100 pounds gone by 1/1/13 well I blew that one with a few weeks of emotions . But on the upside ... 12 weeks on the couch and I didnt gain because of the surgery . I battled through that time and didnt gain 35 pounds like last year . I have learned that if you want to then you will and i am very proud of myself for coming through all of that with no noticeable weight gain. When i hit emotional bottom three weeks ago yes fell back to the food . It didnt make me feel better at all but it couldnt make me feel worst either. On Dec. 26th I got up and said you know what stop think walk ... and that seems to be helping .

So with the sparklers we have to measurements an over all number that is composed by taking an adding up the chest, waist, thigh, bicep , hips and calves .. Now remember through October and November I was on the couch ... but I have managed to loose 32 over all inches since Oct. proving yet again if you want it you will get it.

Back a few weeks ago I set a streak to do 60 minutes of fitness a day .. that was the week before I hit rock bottom emotionally so I havent kept that streak going .. I have now set a fitness streak of 15 miles a week ... that is more doable to me I believe ... It will help me physically and mentally and emotionally. Walking is my salvation where my emotions are concerned that is what i replaced emotional eating with and it is what i will go back to now to help me get back where I need to be.


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