Thursday, March 22, 2012
When I first joined the " Spark" it was just for the nutritional and fitness tracker. Then I started to blog very little. I joined a lot of teams that didnt make any sense to me so i didnt visit them. Then i started reading around and removed myself from the groups . After reading around some more I found two teams or groups that seemed to tackle my individual issues. However, in joining them two teams I have found more internal questions than answers. Which is probably why i should be in both of them.
The first is the depression team. I have never been diagnosed with depression however i have been diagnosed with Anxiety and chronic fatigue syndrome. I don't hit bottom per say but close. I am not suicidal or homicidal. I tend to apply more pressure to myself than probably should be. For me accomplishments are alright but failures are the end of the world. But those are just not my failures I tend to take on everyone else's failures also. Until one day it is just to much to bear and i want to be just quiet in a dark room.
The other team is the "stress" team. I believe i have the same stress as everyone else just on a higher level. My husband made a decision a couple of years back that has put undo stress on our finances. We are currently supporting two households on one income. I didn't like this in the beginning because it took us to another state to live away from our children ( grown) However I like it less now because the burden of funding both his and my house is not easy and he doesn't seem to worry about it like i do. He has the ability to believe it will all work out in the end however that is probably my fault because i tend to make everything work out. So why should he worry if i always make it work, this is causing resentment on my part toward him though. We have one son that is going through a divorce right now who seems to believe that is my soul purpose in life to help raise his children. I don't mind helping however they are his children. Children that I was not allowed to be around until the last year. I have gone from a completely quiet life to total chaos every other week. Our other son at present is not speaking to me because well he decided at 19 he was grown and got married , his new wife well she is different and we do not click very well. I hope in time that we will work itself out.
This time last year I under went a surgery to fix my right foot. It had been operated on before and that surgery was botched. I spent 10 weeks on my couch doing nothing but thinking which lead me to a conclusion that at 41 I needed to figure out my weight problem. I started at that point assessing what had gone right or wrong in the past. Once released from the surgery it was a slow process back to fitness. Accomplishing small feats became necessary. I scheduled a dr appointment to make sure that every thing was as healthy as it could be at 366.2 pounds. And once i got the all clear i started taking what worked from all these weight loss groups that i had belonged to and i devised a plan that works for me. I know i am an emotional eater. If i am having a good day everything is great. however if I am having a bad day well that could be disastrous, either eating the wrong foods or not eating at all but either way still feeling bad. So I attacked this first in a written journal that I call the good bad and ugly of emotional eating why do it ? That worked today i plan meals and snacks and i stay with that plan irregardless of what is going on.
The "stress" team action said to start a stress journal. This is the first entry of that. I have been trying to asses the difference between stress and anxiety. A lot of things that cause me stress are not choices that I make personally but are entwined into my anxiety. Now I have to distinguish between them. Seems easy enough but I am not sure it is. If you read this I hope you have a good day.