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A week of doings ... Merry Christmas

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Well it is has been a week of up and downs . My last blog tells you of the downs. So lets move past that one. On Monday Dr. T took my crutches and boot. He said to proceed with caution because I am not completely healed yet but I am getting there a head of schedule .. They upped my pt this week adding some things that well kinda shocked me a bit . Leg presses and squats some with the bapps board ( painful stay away ) . I have a wonderful Pt staff so I am sure I will be back up to speed before long . Since the upped my pt I was thinking hmm maybe I can up my home workout . Now dont gasp and yell I am not killing myself .. I have added more crunches , resistant bands with weights , oh and yes squats with mild walking in place . Also I am using my cardio fit ( like a rowing machine) for a full 30 minutes at a time . Instead of the 3 ten minute sessions .. different burn all together . I need the burn I want the burn .. But I am very happy to say that after 10 weeks on the lovely couch recouping I have not had any kind of substantial gain . I have gains but these gains are from medicine and fluid so it isnt permanent. Hence proving to me that I have indeed made a significant Change in my life. Not just dieting . Yesterday I decided to challenge my self to a 100 day fitness streak meaning I will exercise everyday for 60 plus minutes .

I am doubtful that I will make it to 266 by 1/1/2013 but if not then I will because i wont quit .




Now completely on a different subject kinda lol. Last night was the first night that the park light display was open. You can drive part of it but it is better to walk it ... Christmas lights always make me think of my mother . She is passed away but never forgotten . She so loved Christmas and everything about it. But to watch see the lights was always like watching a small child for the first time. It is through the lights that have the most wonderful memories of her . The twinkle and gleam make me think of her smile. The running bouncing lights remind of her laughter. The lighted stars on the trees make believe she is now having wonderful Christmas's with Christ. The balls on the trees remind how dainty and beautiful she was. And the tinsel Is the love that she showered over a world that was never the same after she left its hard ground . With Christmas there is a generosity that we should share and be joyous, sometimes that is hard but for me as much as I miss her , I want her to look down and see me doing what she always did just loving my neighbors and family with an unconditional love that no gift can ever take the place of .







These are just a few of the pics .. it is hard to capture them with a camera because most to the lights move. but it truly is something to see .. I will have to go back because i could only walk about a 1/4 of mile before my foot went out .. the whole exhibit is about a mile from beginning to end.

What Christmas would be complete without Santa and Frosty lol


In memory of my mom ... wish you could see me now Your arms would finally fit around me again .. sorry it took so long but better late than never ...

Happy Holidays everyone !!! Be kind and love with all your heart !!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASTIRONLADY 12/2/2012 12:21AM

    Great Pix! Keep up the good work . Your Mom would be proud. emoticon

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JANTWO 12/2/2012 12:12AM

    I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!!!!

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In a moment ..

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

For six years everyday my two sons brought me to every parents nightmare. As self mutilators they taught me what true pain was all about. The pain every parent hates to feel, that your child is so unhappy for some reason you can't make it go away. Every burn , every cut , every scream brought a fear that one day they would be dead soon. So I fought for them with them. I prayed that they would somehow find the will to live one more day for I was so greedy I couldnt imagine life without them. The countless trips to hospitals for stitches and staples. Then home to cry again for lack of knowing what else to do. They had normal lives really , they were spoiled beyond belief never made to feel bad. I was never an alcoholic or drug head. I never cussed at them or demeaned them. Why would I they were the best parts of me. I was told by a doctor of my youngest son once "dont take it personally , it just happens." Such wonderful advice right no not really. He got fired and told the same thing .
Now I wish I could tell that I dont have to worry about this stuff . But I live everyday with the fear that they will go back to the pitts of their personal hells. My youngest son has not cut in years thank god but there is a second every time the phones rings from him that I hold my breath and wait to hear his breath. In 2011 my oldest son slit his wrist the day I had major foot surgery. There was nothing I could do and it rocked me to my core. He eventually recovered from that and realized that no matter what it wasnt worth that damage.
This morning the phone rang and it was my oldest son .. He asked did i know the number to his doctors office. I said not off the top of my head WHY .. nothing that was his reply. I said are you bleeding .. yes..( heart stop) how bad ... pretty bad ( dont panic) where .. my forearm ( clinch the towel dont gasp) ... what happen .. I feel down the door steps and took out the rail ( breath breath breath) .. Is that the truth .... YES MOTHER CLICK ( tears flow uncontrollably ) .... I frantically dial the phone .. it is a need I need to know that he really is alright ... as he now gives me the silent treatment my heart races and descends to the pits of my own hell .. The one I have no control over ... a half hour later he calls to say he is fine and get this I hurt him by asking him that. all I could say was I was sorry and i love you . In a moment he took me from on level ground back to a blood soaked world and I made him feel bad. In a moment he smashed my hopes and dreams but I made him feel bad. In a moment he gave me guilt for something i have no idea what i feel guilty about. The cold hard fact of the matter is after 6 years with dealing with their pain and addiction to self mutilating I will never be the same again . I believe I will always fear them dying at their own hands and No I dont know how to stop that fear . They took the most special part and turned it dark and now they expect me to forget it all happened and I cant do that no matter how hard I try . So today I have opened up all the blinds .. made the bed and stuck the sticky note "no good can be found here go do something " .. I refuse to fall back to the chocolate days of coping with this pain even though right now it really does sound good. I will make it through this feeling and bust a&& at PT in a little while, Tomorrow will be better tomorrow will be better tomorrow will be better ... I cant say I am sorry for this blog because well this is how I deal .. I can say make your day the best you can and hug your children .... emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINNYGINNY 11/29/2012 3:26PM

    One thing I have learned from having 4 children - I will never parent perfectly - no matter how I try. I try these days to express my love, do the best I can and then do what you said - go do something. So sorry for the pain you feel watching kids in pain. My oldest did some cutting in her early teens - she felt such pressure from middle school to be perfect, and pressure from us about grades - then when we adopted our now 9 year old son from China and were preparing to leave the country - leaving her with grandparents - it was too much for her...
She no longer cuts - but I think her choices are not always great. I worry about drinking at college...about the boyfriend...
I hope you take a deep breath today and also hope that your son comes to an understanding of why his mom might fear a return to the past.... Kids are so short sighted and at times unforgiving. Just now, in my late 40's I am beginning to understand my mom better.... emoticon

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CHERYLANDERICA 11/27/2012 2:41PM

    So sorry to read this and feel your pain...I know now as a mom how every little thing can hurt, how the guilt and confusion of even something small can lead to bad feelings taking over. As a teenager I had a few self destructive behaviors. Cutting was not one of them. And I remember wishing my mom would "not worry about it" or somehow disconnect from my world. Now as a mom I realize you cannot force yourself to disconnect. Your kids are so much a part of you. It is impossible to ignore their pain, even if it has nothing to do with you. You love them so much and want so badly to take the pain away and replace it with all the wonderful positive things you see inside of them. So reading this I could see both sides and yet it was the mom I am now whose heart broke for you. I will pray for you and your sons. emoticon emoticon

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The Trip into the closet Neverland

Friday, November 23, 2012

Living in two states can be difficult for sure. The clothes that I have in New Orleans I know will fit . They are made of shorts,capris and jogging pants. All the best stretch clothes a fat bodies person could want. However my very real clothes are in Mississippi. Tucked back in the closet is my selection of Neverland clothes. No this is not where I keep my Tinkerbell outfits this is where all the clothes that I have bought over the years that didnt fit but I was to ashamed to take back are kept. Yesterday while I was getting dressed for dinner I went to the closet searching for something besides stretch clothes lol. I chose a pair of black dress capris I put them on, zipped, inner button and three out hooks , as i turned to reach a blouse the pants fell to the floor. Wow I thought !!! So i kept digging through the closet and finally found a pair of black velvet pants that actually fit alright although baggy the waist stayed in place. I found a top and finished dressing and walked out into the room and every turned and just looked. I said What ? and finally my husband said "it is amazing to see how different you are sometimes" and then everyone proceeded to hug me .
Later after everyone had left I went back into my closet and found it. That one pair of pants I have always wanted to wear not sure why but i did . When I bought the tag said 26 W L . I didnt pay it any attention till I got them home and tried them on that was not really my size . These were not stretch jeans they were real jeans with a button and zipper and well it was a good 12 or more inches between the button and closure. I cant remember where I bought them but I remember thinking "they lied about the size there is no way I am that much to big". That pair of pants has mocked me for about 5 years now. I vowed to throw them away but I just couldnt do it. I would walk into my closet and actually touch them but I just couldnt take trying them on again . This last July I tried them on and the space between button and closure had shrunk considerably it wasnt far enough. Last night I sat on the edge of my bed holding that pair of pants and thought should I or shouldnt I ? Well after thirty minutes I decided go ahead ... I stood up, pulled them up buttoned and zipped them and stared in the mirror. There is no Neverland left in my closet I can finally wear everything in there with the exception of half taht falls completely off me now.

This is that pair of pants today. No stretch, no marks because they are to tight just a baggy pair of jeans . I also today got a new haircut and color. And it turned out wonderful .

This is me and my son Chris .... Together since January 2012 we has lost a combined total of weight of 170 pounds and still going ... I am so very proud of him . I hope that everyone had as an awesome Thanksgiving as I did....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYJEANSL 11/30/2012 10:22AM

  Congratulations!! That is so wonderful...keep up the good work/1

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JULIAOAK 11/27/2012 4:01AM

    fantastic - well done you!! emoticon emoticon

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SNUZSUZ 11/26/2012 9:33AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LJR4HEALTH 11/25/2012 6:00PM

    That is wonderful congrats on all of your hard work job emoticon

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CHERYLANDERICA 11/24/2012 9:50PM

    I got goosebumps ready this!! Such an inspiring post!! You are doing just great. Keep it up!!

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KBRADFORD88 11/24/2012 7:14PM

    Girl..I am so pumped for you. You have just begun to see what you are capable of. WOW! emoticon

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WIZKEY 11/24/2012 4:41PM

    Congratulations!! That is an awesome NSV!!

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DANILYNNG 11/24/2012 4:03PM

    I love shopping in the Neverland section! Best darned feeling in the world! You're rocking it, babe, never doubt that for a moment. emoticon

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KDJUAREZ 11/24/2012 12:36AM

    What an inspiring anecdote! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family, you're doing amazingly well! emoticon

-Kelly

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THENEWJOSIE2 11/23/2012 11:11PM

    Congrats to you and your son!!

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laughable dreams to reality

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Dr. Phil says all the the time " their perception is their reality" . To make a change of a lifetime . You have to change your perception of reality plain and simple. Oh god I use to think I could be some sexy super model. Blonde hair, blue eyes, legs from hell. I had dreams of the day when I would walk into a room and every head would turn as I floated across the room in the most delicious of stilettos. My hair would flow in the wind . I wouldnt only be thin I would have that perfect hour glass shape.

*ok now get up the floor and stop laughing hard .. gesshhh

I would try and try and well as soon as i beat myself up enough , I resign back to the couch with a whole range of assorted " you are fine just the way you are " foods. You know Lay's , little debbie , milky way, oh and wonderful gallons of coke.
Yep didnt see anything wrong with the world after that .. Right?

Now reality can bite you in the tail or you can learn from your fantasy. So attach how bad my fantasy was . First I have very short auburn hair , it is not likely ever going to be blonde or flow any where. Blue eyes really mine are hazel for god sake. Legs from hell , well after loosing eighty plus pounds they sure arent chop liver with all the walking I have done. Delicious Stilettos well pumps are not a good thing for my feet so I am sure that stilettos are never going to be an option but at 5'9 do I really want to be another six inches taller any way. Thin, there is a limit to the madness . My body is not designed to be thin , it is designed to weigh healthy between 165 and 180. So thin is out I will never be less than 150 at the low end and honestly I dont want to be that .

When I stopped living in the Neverland dreams I came to the reality that What i want is to be me in a healthier and yes a smaller body. But that came with a lot soul searching , tears and honesty. When you set goals make them realistic to you and your body. I am the only one who determine what is my reality and I am so glad that I have turned my perception to a point that it has hopes of being my reality. Reality is much better when your Neverland is actually obtainable.











  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINNYGINNY 11/20/2012 11:34PM

    You know - I think my neverland dreams have kept me from seeing the progress I HAVE made... I still envision success as weighing in the 120's - being stick thin. I have lost 85 lbs and everyone tells me how great I look - yada, yada, yada... I have not ever really believed them - I want to shake them and say, "yes - but I'm not THIN yet..." Then I saw a photo of me from behind at church - my husband pointed me out in the photo and I argued with him that it couldn't be me - cause I was not that slender. he laughed and said - see the reading glasses on your head - that IS you...
And it was me. In my mind, if I am not Twiggy, then I am still a whale... Weird.
So here's to success - to us making real solid progress - becoming healthier, stronger, fitter and smaller. Here's hoping that we both embrace reality - not just grudgingly - but with joy...

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LVMY2SNSSLS 11/20/2012 9:30PM

    emoticon I can so relate to this, I spent my first 30 years wanted to look and be someone that I can never be. The last 12 yrs I have come to the slow realization that my body is what it is and it's never going look like a super model or a beauty queen. I'm just working toward have a healthy weight and I think I will be just fine with that!

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JULIAOAK 11/19/2012 12:23PM

    emoticon

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IRONBLOSSOM 11/15/2012 3:29PM

    SUCH a great post! I look at the media pictures we are always innundated with (right now a SP advertiser is White House Black Market and staring at me from the side bar is a beautiful woman with long flowing blond hair and a beautiful suit on that wouldn't even fit one of my legs) and quite frankly, I DON'T want to be like that...but I also have a lot of trouble actually visualizing my goal without that kind of input.

Hah, I guess really I just want to be 18 again and completely oblivious to my weight...in a healthy athletic way! :-P

Have a great weekend!

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OLIVIANIGHT 11/15/2012 1:49PM

    Yeah I think my goal is still a little bit in Neverland. It's hard to imagine where I want to be because I've always been big, but I'm trying to aim for something realistic.

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NEELIXNKES 11/15/2012 11:47AM

    Very True. Thank you for the reminder! emoticon

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PJ2222 11/15/2012 11:46AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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The 3 P's of change

Monday, November 12, 2012

When I started out to change my life, it wasn't going to be a temporary thing I wanted to be healthier, smaller, sexier, and those are just the ones I knew at the time. I won't lie to you and say I knew what I was doing and still don' on some levels. What I can tell you is that I knew what didn't work. But I had to add a few things to the change that I have never had before in trying to loose weight . Three things that changed everything for me as a person fat bodied or not.



Patience is a virtue , that I can honestly say I have never possessed . When I started out a year ago this was the first thing I had to learn. Patience with my body as it learned to exercise the correct. Patience to wait till proper times to eat meals. Patience with my mind as it tried so very hard to gather all the knowledge it required to keep me motivated in the right direction . Patience with others around who said " you will only fail again." Patience was a very tiring trait to acquire . However if you dont have it or the desire to find it then your journey will stop before it begins.



In the past I would loose weight and then gain weight , then oh well " I am just meant to be fat" would be the thought process. I set goals that no one could ever meet. When you are 10 pounds over weight it is not that big a deal to loose and gain but when you are 200 pounds overweight it is earth shattering. I had to teach myself Persistence. I can tell you that for the better part of 30 years I persistent in gaining weight. I ate all the wrong things and hell exercise was non existent but thankfully i was active enough that I didnt end up bed ridden. Learning to persistent was key. I had to learn that no matter what the scale said one week I to stick with my plan and be painfully honest. The answers are there if you are honest with yourself. It is easy to blame the world for your failures but if you want things to change you must have the ability to see inside yourself and make the change from there.




Perseverance is another thing that is most difficult to learn. I started out with what i found to be the most trivia of exercise. Although walking to 10 to 12 feet on my foot at the time was like moving mountains I kept doing it , for fear if i stopped I wouldn't do it again. I was given the most horrible of feet that the heavens could give someone . As some know I am now recovering from the second foot surgery in a year and half. When I say I walk 6 miles that is a huge thing for me. This time last year I was barely walking without the assistance of a cane. I took this on one step at a time. I tear at a time . I have thrown my shoes across the room and swore I would never put them on again. I have sit on a bench in the park and wondered how will i ever get back to my car. I have called a friend and said please just tell me I can do this. I have sucked it up all for a goal I have never been able to reach before .



Although lately I have struggled with my recovery and a weight gain .. I didn't give up , I didn't throw in the towel and say I cant do this right now I will when this over. I looked inside with as much honesty and strength that I could and reassessed the program and what I was doing or not doing . This past Saturday I not only weighed and lost . I had managed to loose the gained weight plus some. I had a 5.2 pound loss and it was all because I was patient , persistent and found the perseverance to try it for one more week. These are things that I am grateful because with out them I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERYLANDERICA 11/14/2012 8:23PM

    What a wonderful blog post!! These are things I am currently working on as well. Previously, I was so impatient with myself and my body and when I did everything right and it responded by losing nothing I gave up. Now I am still not losing yet but it is not stopping me from trying my hardest. I go to the gym even when I desperately want to just go home. I struggle with food choices some days but for the most part I do well. So now I am, like you said, being honest with all aspects. Breaking it down a little at a time. It is a process. I am on the right track. And you said it well...our minds and bodies work hard to get what we are doing and to process it all and start doing what it should. So I am patiently continuing and in the end, if nothing else, I feel better when I exercise. But I truly believe my body will catch on to what I am doing and start losing as well!! Keep up the amazing journey you are on!! emoticon

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JSELLINGTON 11/14/2012 2:48PM

    This is a great blog!! Wow this could be a seminar the info is so good. When I read a blog that I really like I save it and i have to save this one. This is really good stuff!! emoticon

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CYALE76 11/14/2012 6:13AM

    Great blog, I struggle with all 3 of these. You are doing great, if I had foot surgery I would have been sitting on the couch waiting to heal, your such and inspiration. You give me motivation to move and stop making excuses for my actions (or lack of them)

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JMCADE 11/13/2012 7:35PM

    Wow what wonderful insight yo y have gained on this journey. I am going to mark these down for me because when I stall it is usually one of these I have failed on.

Thanks for the great blog

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IRONBLOSSOM 11/13/2012 2:36PM

    Fantastic Ps! The patience is really the hardest, isn't it?? Especially with everyone (MOM) around you "so how much have you lost now? How about now?" Um, hello, you just asked me two days ago! Same answer!! (Guess I come by my lack of patience naturally. :-)

Love that hourglass quote, that's about the truest, most important thing I wish I could go back and tell myself ten years ago...here's hoping I don't have that same feeling 10 years from now!

Have a great week!

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NEPTUNE1939 11/12/2012 11:39AM

    The 3-P's are all the attributes of a professional. Earl emoticon

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