Saturday, September 15, 2012
I haven't done a meaningful blog in a while. This is because I couldn't find the words to say what i wanted to say. Each step of this journey has unlocked something that was new to me. Most things are good however the latest thing isn't good. When I woke up one morning and realized that i had lost 80 pounds it was earth moving to me. In one moment I was strong and confident and in the next moment I was literally lost in a body that i didn't know. I feel vulnerable and defense less. I spent most of my teen years crying because of the tortures of the others because i was over weight . I spent my twenties half heated trying to lose the weight from my pregnancies. My thirties were filled with more turmoil than one should see and the weight allowed a certain attitude that well made most stay away from me. When 40 hit my mentality started to resided myself to the fact that the world was right and i was just destined to be this . At
41 with yet another surgery to my foot .. my mind started reeling at the options that were there and I knew i had to loose the weight. I set small goals and grew stronger and have relished in all the changes ... my body although is still obese at this moment my body sure is in a lot better shape. However it is that same body that has become my baffle at the moment ... It is like putting on a shirt that you are not sure it fits, that shrugging pulling adjusting trying to make it look it belongs. I am not sure if it is everyone or if it is just me but it is how I feel. I want to wake up one morning and feel the way i did confidence wise not so long . When you have almost 200 to loose you have no choice but go at it with everything you have. You are pushed to limits that you dont think you can meet, you go through so many emotional challenges and you are not changing one meal a day and adding 10 minutes of exercise. You change everything, you sacrifice everything , you find strength when you dont think you have any more to give. There is nothing that I will not to loose my weight in the healthiest way possible. Just know that sometimes the journey takes on so many different forms that it is hard to articulate the feelings that I have about what is going on in my mind . I dont know if this blogs makes sense to any one but it is more a note to myself so when i reach the end of this journey and into maintenance I can remember all that i went through to get there .