I haven't done a meaningful blog in a while. This is because I couldn't find the words to say what i wanted to say. Each step of this journey has unlocked something that was new to me. Most things are good however the latest thing isn't good. When I woke up one morning and realized that i had lost 80 pounds it was earth moving to me. In one moment I was strong and confident and in the next moment I was literally lost in a body that i didn't know. I feel vulnerable and defense less. I spent most of my teen years crying because of the tortures of the others because i was over weight . I spent my twenties half heated trying to lose the weight from my pregnancies. My thirties were filled with more turmoil than one should see and the weight allowed a certain attitude that well made most stay away from me. When 40 hit my mentality started to resided myself to the fact that the world was right and i was just destined to be this . At
41 with yet another surgery to my foot .. my mind started reeling at the options that were there and I knew i had to loose the weight. I set small goals and grew stronger and have relished in all the changes ... my body although is still obese at this moment my body sure is in a lot better shape. However it is that same body that has become my baffle at the moment ... It is like putting on a shirt that you are not sure it fits, that shrugging pulling adjusting trying to make it look it belongs. I am not sure if it is everyone or if it is just me but it is how I feel. I want to wake up one morning and feel the way i did confidence wise not so long . When you have almost 200 to loose you have no choice but go at it with everything you have. You are pushed to limits that you dont think you can meet, you go through so many emotional challenges and you are not changing one meal a day and adding 10 minutes of exercise. You change everything, you sacrifice everything , you find strength when you dont think you have any more to give. There is nothing that I will not to loose my weight in the healthiest way possible. Just know that sometimes the journey takes on so many different forms that it is hard to articulate the feelings that I have about what is going on in my mind . I dont know if this blogs makes sense to any one but it is more a note to myself so when i reach the end of this journey and into maintenance I can remember all that i went through to get there .
Fiber one honey squares 3/4 cup
almond original lite 1/2 cup
1 cup progresso lite chicken and dumpling soup
1 grilled cheese with smoked honey turkey and spinach ( made with laughing cow cheese wedge and hungry girl fold it)
smoked sausge cheese penene casserole ( was good but a lot of calories)
1/2 cup green beans french style
Oatmeal with strawberries/bananas
Progresso light chicken and dumpling soup
pita pocket with smoked turkey/cheese/spinach/FF Kraft mayo
French style green beans
Cheeseburger wrap ... contents ... 3 oz ground chuck cooked with onions, 1/2 diced tomatoes , 1 laughing cow cheese wedge/ spinach ....
In the beginning of my decision to loose weight I found i dearly hated lettuce and tomatoes. however if i heat diced tomatoes with meat and use spinach i find it to be an enjoyable sandwich. as you can tell i eat left overs. my husband is a picky eater and doesn't eat a lot veggies so i just cook a separate meal for him . Tonight he had hamburger helper yea really he prefers it. so i used some of his ground chuck to make my wrap. Also note that I only use Ronzoni smart taste pastas . oh well that is all i got today lol have a great one everyone.
Most who know me know i am preparing for another surgery on my foot. So I wanted pictures of this thing and I thought well hmm i blog about it all the time so why not post this ugly thing on here lol .. I have never said i had cute feet ... this is more a reminder to myself than anything.
The mass is the size of a ping pong ball inside my foot. It is said that if it is not removed it will invade my ankle making walking almost impossible .. I am waiting for the surgery date because there is a heel spur and i want them to remove it at the same time so i dont have to have another surgery .. So here is the pics ...
Week 10 of the Rock it / sparklers Challenge is to do a food blog for 5 out of 7 days this week. I started on Labor day and please remember we are just getting back from an evacuation . I have tried to make healthy choices though.
turkey sandwhich ( 1 slice honey smoked, cheese, fat free cheese on a foldit bun)
Special k chips ... sour cream and onion
Grilled chicken tender strips .. marinated in Garlic onion hot wing powder
Cowboy baked beans ... 1/2 cup ( beans with ground beef)
1/2 mac and cheese : made with smart taste pasta and rague cheese sauce
bacon/cheese/egg mug ... 1/2 cup egg substitute, 2 slices turkey bacon and laughing cow cheese wedge ...
cup of fresh fruit ... cantaloupe, honey dew, strawberries and blueberries
Chicken and cheese Quesadilla
Black beans with sour cream .. 1/2 cup
Chicken wrap ( shredded chicken, shredded cheese, mayo sweet onion lite dressing with spinach)
black beans and sourcream ( 1/2 cup)
Stawberries/bananas on shortcake with ready whip
So there you have it ... be gentle lol I dont think it was that bad ...
Friday I had an MRI and a doctor visit. There is a mass in the bottom of my right foot that is the size of a ping pong ball. They have to operate and remove it . They dont know what the mass is till it is removed so there might be more surgeries needed at a pathology report.
Right now I am in New Orleans, LA I also have a home on the coast of MS. There is a storm that doesnt look good. My husband just back from out of town is complacent about everything and already doing the usual drinking. I am so emotionally spent right now. I am not sure what to do and then you top everything else off my emotional eating has showed its ugly head. The stress of everything is really to much to bare today. I have tried walking and water and swimming and nothing is helping. Lost doesnt come close to this feeling right now. The thought of staying in New Orleans scares me to death the thought of loosing our home in MS is horrific and living with someone whose answer is to drink is gut wrenching. The thought of loosing my foot is breathtaking. Sorry I am just trying to make it through this day