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What i lost

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I haven't done a meaningful blog in a while. This is because I couldn't find the words to say what i wanted to say. Each step of this journey has unlocked something that was new to me. Most things are good however the latest thing isn't good. When I woke up one morning and realized that i had lost 80 pounds it was earth moving to me. In one moment I was strong and confident and in the next moment I was literally lost in a body that i didn't know. I feel vulnerable and defense less. I spent most of my teen years crying because of the tortures of the others because i was over weight . I spent my twenties half heated trying to lose the weight from my pregnancies. My thirties were filled with more turmoil than one should see and the weight allowed a certain attitude that well made most stay away from me. When 40 hit my mentality started to resided myself to the fact that the world was right and i was just destined to be this . At
41 with yet another surgery to my foot .. my mind started reeling at the options that were there and I knew i had to loose the weight. I set small goals and grew stronger and have relished in all the changes ... my body although is still obese at this moment my body sure is in a lot better shape. However it is that same body that has become my baffle at the moment ... It is like putting on a shirt that you are not sure it fits, that shrugging pulling adjusting trying to make it look it belongs. I am not sure if it is everyone or if it is just me but it is how I feel. I want to wake up one morning and feel the way i did confidence wise not so long . When you have almost 200 to loose you have no choice but go at it with everything you have. You are pushed to limits that you dont think you can meet, you go through so many emotional challenges and you are not changing one meal a day and adding 10 minutes of exercise. You change everything, you sacrifice everything , you find strength when you dont think you have any more to give. There is nothing that I will not to loose my weight in the healthiest way possible. Just know that sometimes the journey takes on so many different forms that it is hard to articulate the feelings that I have about what is going on in my mind . I dont know if this blogs makes sense to any one but it is more a note to myself so when i reach the end of this journey and into maintenance I can remember all that i went through to get there .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIAOAK 9/20/2012 11:34AM

    emoticon emoticon

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KBRADFORD88 9/15/2012 5:39PM

    We will. We can. And we are one thought, one emotion, one day at a time.

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DUSTYPRAIRIE 9/15/2012 4:54PM

    I understand. I lost 30 lbs - halfway to my goal. Yet the emotional side lately has been see-sawing. I feel better, yet..... Maybe I feel vulnerable after being overweight the past 20 years.

You've brought up valid points. I am going to spend some time this week working on the emotional balance of this journey. It's your honesty that has made me realize that it is an important step.

I'm not usually a cookie eater but I ate some for the 3rd day in a row. I'm stalling. Rebelling if you will.

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SHRINK_U 9/15/2012 2:59PM

    80 pounds... 80 pounds... so awesome. I haven't gotten that far yet. I am about 50 pounds down from my highest weight. I never realized .. truly realized how emotional losing weight is for me. One day at a time, Tink.. we will do this.

LEMONHEAD LOVE
emoticon

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THINNYGINNY 9/15/2012 1:31PM

    I loved this blog - you are finding your way - just as I am. I am at times delighted with what I have lost and at other times weirded out by being smaller - I can't really internalize it - it doesn't seem real. I have been heavy for so long. I am still hiding out in loose clothes cause I have hidden away from the world for so long. We shall just keep going on this road together til we get to where it is taking us. I have 60 more pounds to go - sometimes that seems like too long - like maybe I should just stay here cause here is okay. But getting to okay was not what motivated me to get started - I wanted to be slender and really healthy and active... so I have to get myself re-motivated...sigh. Off to walk 4 miles!!

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BESTMEICANBE51 9/15/2012 1:31PM

    Take it easy and everything will work out.

emoticon

emoticon on 80 pounds GONE

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OGMAMA 9/15/2012 10:50AM

    Weight loss can be so confusing. Sometimes it seems like your brain and body and out of sync with each other. I have a feeling that is why it is so hard to maintain. Just stay on track with what you know is right, be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to get used to your new body. You're doing great!
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DEACONTOM 9/15/2012 12:55AM

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Rock it Food Blog days 3 and 4

Thursday, September 06, 2012

9/5 Breakfast
Fiber one honey squares 3/4 cup
almond original lite 1/2 cup


lunch
1 cup progresso lite chicken and dumpling soup
1 grilled cheese with smoked honey turkey and spinach ( made with laughing cow cheese wedge and hungry girl fold it)


Dinner
smoked sausge cheese penene casserole ( was good but a lot of calories)
1/2 cabbage
1/2 cup green beans french style


9/6 Breakfast
Oatmeal with strawberries/bananas


lunch
Progresso light chicken and dumpling soup
pita pocket with smoked turkey/cheese/spinach/FF Kraft mayo


Dinner
French style green beans
cabbage
Cheeseburger wrap ... contents ... 3 oz ground chuck cooked with onions, 1/2 diced tomatoes , 1 laughing cow cheese wedge/ spinach ....


In the beginning of my decision to loose weight I found i dearly hated lettuce and tomatoes. however if i heat diced tomatoes with meat and use spinach i find it to be an enjoyable sandwich. as you can tell i eat left overs. my husband is a picky eater and doesn't eat a lot veggies so i just cook a separate meal for him . Tonight he had hamburger helper yea really he prefers it. so i used some of his ground chuck to make my wrap. Also note that I only use Ronzoni smart taste pastas . oh well that is all i got today lol have a great one everyone. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 9/14/2012 2:34PM

    I prefer to cooked veggies too. Looks great. You are doing so well with this challenge.

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SHRINK_U 9/7/2012 3:01PM

    Yummy.. looks good!

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CITYZOZO 9/7/2012 8:20AM

    I'll be right over, this looks delicious!

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GOOSIEMOON 9/6/2012 11:36PM

    Looks yummy!

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my ping pong ball ( graphic pics)

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Most who know me know i am preparing for another surgery on my foot. So I wanted pictures of this thing and I thought well hmm i blog about it all the time so why not post this ugly thing on here lol .. I have never said i had cute feet ... this is more a reminder to myself than anything.

The mass is the size of a ping pong ball inside my foot. It is said that if it is not removed it will invade my ankle making walking almost impossible .. I am waiting for the surgery date because there is a heel spur and i want them to remove it at the same time so i dont have to have another surgery .. So here is the pics ...








Welcome to my own personal hell ...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CTUPTON 9/6/2012 11:59AM

    We all will be rooting for you to be back to normal and heal (ha! ha! ) quickly.

Really, I am sorry you are going through this! Feel better soon! Chris

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LULUBELLE65 9/6/2012 4:11AM

    Oh gosh, that looks like it hurts! I hope they can get you up and moving soon!

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FLY0NTHEWAL1 9/6/2012 1:51AM

    That looks awfully painful and uncomfortable! Good luck with Sx and I hope everything goes as planned!
P.S. Good seeing you on here again! I'll be around more since I am finally mostly unpacked and ready to take on the important duty of taking care of myself!

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BECKYI39 9/5/2012 4:50PM

    I hope you can get in for surgery soon and that all goes well.

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KBRADFORD88 9/5/2012 4:46PM

    Oh. I am so sorry. I hope they can get you in fast and this will help your pain. Wishing you the best.

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ALLCHRISSY 9/5/2012 3:43PM

    Holy Ping-Pong Ball, Batman! I hope the surgery is successful! WOW!

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DANILYNNG 9/5/2012 3:10PM

    Praying that the surgery can get everything fixed up and you'll be back up in no time! emoticon

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LINDA7668 9/4/2012 9:20PM

    That just looks painful. I hope the surgery brings you relief.

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Rock it Food blog days 1 and 2

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Week 10 of the Rock it / sparklers Challenge is to do a food blog for 5 out of 7 days this week. I started on Labor day and please remember we are just getting back from an evacuation . I have tried to make healthy choices though.

9/3 Breakfast
Strawberries / Bananas
cottage cheese
Plum amazings


9/3 Lunch
turkey sandwhich ( 1 slice honey smoked, cheese, fat free cheese on a foldit bun)
Special k chips ... sour cream and onion


9/3 Dinner
Grilled chicken tender strips .. marinated in Garlic onion hot wing powder
Cowboy baked beans ... 1/2 cup ( beans with ground beef)
1/2 mac and cheese : made with smart taste pasta and rague cheese sauce


9/4 Breakfast
bacon/cheese/egg mug ... 1/2 cup egg substitute, 2 slices turkey bacon and laughing cow cheese wedge ...
cup of fresh fruit ... cantaloupe, honey dew, strawberries and blueberries


9/4 lunch
Chicken and cheese Quesadilla
Black beans with sour cream .. 1/2 cup


9/4 Dinner
Chicken wrap ( shredded chicken, shredded cheese, mayo sweet onion lite dressing with spinach)
black beans and sourcream ( 1/2 cup)


Snack 9/4
Stawberries/bananas on shortcake with ready whip


So there you have it ... be gentle lol I dont think it was that bad ...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KBRADFORD88 9/5/2012 4:48PM

    Ya know I was actually thinking this didn;t look like much food. Are you eating all your calories. I was just curious. I loooooove black beans. I hope you have a lot of success on your challenge. I am looking forward to help with mine.

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IRONBLOSSOM 9/5/2012 11:35AM

    That sounds good, actually! I also like the idea of black beans with sour cream, I'm trying to get more beans into my diet, I need the fiber and protein.

Have a great week!

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KSCRAP363 9/5/2012 9:38AM

    I never thought of doing the black beans with sour cream...I might have to give that a try!!!

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To much

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Friday I had an MRI and a doctor visit. There is a mass in the bottom of my right foot that is the size of a ping pong ball. They have to operate and remove it . They dont know what the mass is till it is removed so there might be more surgeries needed at a pathology report.

Right now I am in New Orleans, LA I also have a home on the coast of MS. There is a storm that doesnt look good. My husband just back from out of town is complacent about everything and already doing the usual drinking. I am so emotionally spent right now. I am not sure what to do and then you top everything else off my emotional eating has showed its ugly head. The stress of everything is really to much to bare today. I have tried walking and water and swimming and nothing is helping. Lost doesnt come close to this feeling right now. The thought of staying in New Orleans scares me to death the thought of loosing our home in MS is horrific and living with someone whose answer is to drink is gut wrenching. The thought of loosing my foot is breathtaking. Sorry I am just trying to make it through this day

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLEPEONY 9/2/2012 11:47PM

    emoticon emoticon Praying for you & your situation emoticon emoticon

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JULIAOAK 8/31/2012 5:05AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CSRSTAR 8/27/2012 6:10PM

    emoticon It's ok to vent, thats what blogs are for. So glad you can come here and have a voice. Sorry to hear about everything going on, but just remember the one thing you can do during a "storm" is protect yourself. I.e. stick with your healthy choices, rest and exercise, have "me" time. :)

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XPHOENIX 8/27/2012 5:40PM

    Oh no babe :( I'm so sorry to hear about this. I will say a lot of prayers for you and hope that everything is ok. Try not to eat your feelings! My goodness... the hurricane, your foot, everything... too much at once. God doesn't give you more than you can handle, doll. Remember that, ok? Don't over do it on any level with trying too hard for fitness or over-eating. Every negative thing you do to yourself you will have to pay for or fix later... you know? Try to think positively. I know it seems tough but its worth it. Deep breaths.. and the Serenity Prayer. XOXO

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KBRADFORD88 8/27/2012 7:21AM

    When trouble swells like that it is really hard to breathe and get perspective. But think about one thing you did differently here. You asked for help and you listed what was going on.
1. Be kind to yourself. This is a lot to process.
2. Don;t worry about stuff that might happen. Worry about was is.
3. Just keep moving.
4. Think hard about counseling or a meeting to help with living with someone who drinks. There are great groups and you mentioning it means it bothers you more than maybe you are letting on.
I got four bad news in 2 weeks a few weeks ago and it is going to matter. We just have to be able to see hope and possibility. That is my prayer for you. emoticon emoticon

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DANILYNNG 8/26/2012 7:06PM

    Oh, sweetie!! emoticon emoticon

First, just breathe. Deeply, slowly. Just breathe. Second, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!! Sorry, babe, didn't mean to yell at you, but still... get out of there! Third, please, don't worry yourself sick. Yes, you have a problem with your foot - that doesn't mean you'll lose it! Do NOT borrow trouble, there's plenty to go 'round. emoticon We have no control over the storm, so sadly, all you can do there is make your preparations as best you can. Lastly, smack your husband upside the head and tell him his happy butt needs to become a whole lot more supportive in a hot hurry!!

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TEAM-ERIC 8/26/2012 5:05PM

    OMG...you are dealing with a lot! I know it's easy to get down with all that on your plate. I bet you feel it's all spinning out of control and there is little you can do, right now. I've been there and I'm still dealing with many things. I hope you among all those clouds, you see at least a sliver of sunshine coming through. Just know you're not alone and if you need to vent feel free to PM me. I offer no advice or judgements. Just a ear....

Diana

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SHRINK_U 8/26/2012 4:23PM

    HUGGSSS.. Thinking of you. I am so sorry about all that is going on.

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