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To much

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Friday I had an MRI and a doctor visit. There is a mass in the bottom of my right foot that is the size of a ping pong ball. They have to operate and remove it . They dont know what the mass is till it is removed so there might be more surgeries needed at a pathology report.

Right now I am in New Orleans, LA I also have a home on the coast of MS. There is a storm that doesnt look good. My husband just back from out of town is complacent about everything and already doing the usual drinking. I am so emotionally spent right now. I am not sure what to do and then you top everything else off my emotional eating has showed its ugly head. The stress of everything is really to much to bare today. I have tried walking and water and swimming and nothing is helping. Lost doesnt come close to this feeling right now. The thought of staying in New Orleans scares me to death the thought of loosing our home in MS is horrific and living with someone whose answer is to drink is gut wrenching. The thought of loosing my foot is breathtaking. Sorry I am just trying to make it through this day

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLEPEONY 9/2/2012 11:47PM

    emoticon emoticon Praying for you & your situation emoticon emoticon

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JULIAOAK 8/31/2012 5:05AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CSRSTAR 8/27/2012 6:10PM

    emoticon It's ok to vent, thats what blogs are for. So glad you can come here and have a voice. Sorry to hear about everything going on, but just remember the one thing you can do during a "storm" is protect yourself. I.e. stick with your healthy choices, rest and exercise, have "me" time. :)

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XPHOENIX 8/27/2012 5:40PM

    Oh no babe :( I'm so sorry to hear about this. I will say a lot of prayers for you and hope that everything is ok. Try not to eat your feelings! My goodness... the hurricane, your foot, everything... too much at once. God doesn't give you more than you can handle, doll. Remember that, ok? Don't over do it on any level with trying too hard for fitness or over-eating. Every negative thing you do to yourself you will have to pay for or fix later... you know? Try to think positively. I know it seems tough but its worth it. Deep breaths.. and the Serenity Prayer. XOXO

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KBRADFORD88 8/27/2012 7:21AM

    When trouble swells like that it is really hard to breathe and get perspective. But think about one thing you did differently here. You asked for help and you listed what was going on.
1. Be kind to yourself. This is a lot to process.
2. Don;t worry about stuff that might happen. Worry about was is.
3. Just keep moving.
4. Think hard about counseling or a meeting to help with living with someone who drinks. There are great groups and you mentioning it means it bothers you more than maybe you are letting on.
I got four bad news in 2 weeks a few weeks ago and it is going to matter. We just have to be able to see hope and possibility. That is my prayer for you. emoticon emoticon

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DANILYNNG 8/26/2012 7:06PM

    Oh, sweetie!! emoticon emoticon

First, just breathe. Deeply, slowly. Just breathe. Second, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!! Sorry, babe, didn't mean to yell at you, but still... get out of there! Third, please, don't worry yourself sick. Yes, you have a problem with your foot - that doesn't mean you'll lose it! Do NOT borrow trouble, there's plenty to go 'round. emoticon We have no control over the storm, so sadly, all you can do there is make your preparations as best you can. Lastly, smack your husband upside the head and tell him his happy butt needs to become a whole lot more supportive in a hot hurry!!

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TEAM-ERIC 8/26/2012 5:05PM

    OMG...you are dealing with a lot! I know it's easy to get down with all that on your plate. I bet you feel it's all spinning out of control and there is little you can do, right now. I've been there and I'm still dealing with many things. I hope you among all those clouds, you see at least a sliver of sunshine coming through. Just know you're not alone and if you need to vent feel free to PM me. I offer no advice or judgements. Just a ear....

Diana

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SHRINK_U 8/26/2012 4:23PM

    HUGGSSS.. Thinking of you. I am so sorry about all that is going on.

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Saving Life

Sunday, August 19, 2012

I have had a fear for many years of seat belts. The fear of being trapped in them because as a fat bodied person they are never comfortable. For me they are tight and cutting. I know what they are designed to but honestly felt like the would hurt me more than they help me. I could see my car off the side of bridge and being trapped in this thing not being able to escape it. So for years I just have simply not wore one. That was my easy fix just dont wear it . I could deal without so i did. This morning my husband and I were traveling back to New Orleans from Pascagoula MS. I am an awful passenger just saying. On the horizon it is raining and the cars are traveling so fast past us even though we are going 70 mph. For the first time in a really long time I think what if. With the roads so wet and we hydroplaned twice I made the choice that I was going to put on my trap. I am putting on the thing i hate most in the vehicle and the next hour is going to be hell and painful. So I reach and I pull it across me and I latch it. And guess what . I have lost enough weight that it is very comfortable. It doesnt feel like I cant breath I dont even know that it is there . If you have never had these feelings please dont judge me because I have . When you are 366 pounds everything is a thought every thing is a chore. And the further away 366 pounds you get the more amazing every thing feels. Things that other people get to do and never have a passing thought means so much. So another first for me today. I got to ride feeling safe and secure.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLEPEONY 9/3/2012 12:24AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JULIAOAK 8/23/2012 3:37AM

    brilliant!! emoticon emoticon

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SHRINK_U 8/20/2012 4:41PM

    AN AWESOME NSV!!! Yay :)

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BECKYI39 8/20/2012 10:43AM

    So glad that you have reached the spot where you are comfortable in the seat belt. I love the fact that you are open and honest with your feelings. You never know how you may help someone with the same issues and feelings.


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THINNYGINNY 8/19/2012 11:56PM

    YES!!!! Glad you are comfortable and safe!!

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JENNNY135 8/19/2012 9:45PM

    That's awesome news!!!!

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TERRY1038 8/19/2012 8:16PM

  emoticon

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NILLAPEPSI 8/19/2012 8:12PM

    emoticon

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NANCYPAT1 8/19/2012 8:10PM

    AMEN - Congratulations on making that life-saving discovery. Some people might not recognize the importance of your new-found measuring tool, but I topped the scales just about where you described your starting place - I KNOW that some of the simplest, most MINOR to others, things are really amazing milestones. Again, I am so happy to hear you can now wear that lifesaving device in comfort and not put yourself at such risk. Do you think that NOW, maybe you are WORTH it or was it always JUST about the comfort? For me it would have probably been a little of both - I know I have been pretty uncomfortable wearing the seat belts, but I also know that I have not always thought I was worth worrying about either.

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CHANGING-TURTLE 8/19/2012 8:08PM

    Alright!!!! emoticon emoticon

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Freeze the world !!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

* Freeze *

This morning I weighed and I made it to 79 pounds gone ...For a moment I thought "Freeze the world". 287 pounds that is the lowest I have weighed in like 15 years. "Freeze the world" Hold the moment, Feel the accomplishment, Respect the pain and tears to get right here to the moment in time. 21 % of where I started " freeze the world" ... Dont breath just let this moment hang in the air.
Remember how good this feels and how good never doing this again will feel. All I can say is thank you to my body for hanging through this journey and Thank you to all the amazing people in this process. I know That I am emotional mess but at least i am a smaller emotional mess .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLEPEONY 9/3/2012 12:25AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHRINK_U 8/20/2012 3:52PM

    So happy for you :)

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IRONBLOSSOM 8/19/2012 10:58PM

    Awesome!! Great job!

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THINNYGINNY 8/19/2012 6:31PM

    SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Just the beginning!!!

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JENNNY135 8/18/2012 6:47PM

    So happy for you, awesome job.

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DANILYNNG 8/18/2012 4:50PM

    So very proud of you!

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GINNABOOTS 8/18/2012 4:18PM

    Fantastic! Congratulations on your weight loss & lifestyle change.

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TONYVAND1 8/18/2012 4:07PM

  emoticon emoticon Keep up the good work.

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Thawing slowly

Thursday, August 16, 2012

* you wake up in a rush, dress and out the door*

Wait you forgot to lay out something for dinner. It is 2 pm before you remember this so what do you do. This is how dieting has felt to me for years. No preparation and the stress over what to do. When you forget to lay out your meat to defrost you are left with a few options but none are as satisfying as the one that is slow thawed and prepped and prepared to perfection. This is how I have come to the point of not dieting but changing my life. This process is slow like thawing meat. Sometimes it takes longer than I would like but I have not been dissatisfied with the results so far.
Is it frustrating well yea. Do I wish I could just nuke my way through it Well yea. Do i wish that i could drive up to a window and get it my way right now Hell yea .. however having tried some version of all of them in the past and failing , I am just going to thaw slowly and prep along the way so that by the time i get there might be some sort of a perfection plan to handle life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINNYGINNY 8/17/2012 2:46PM

    This was what I needed to read today - I had been making quick progress and was a little too dependent on the idea of getting to a certain weight by a certain date...august has been hard for me because of vacations and getting off track a bit here and there - I have not lost ground in august - but have not yet lost weight in august...i was thinking I had just lost TIME - until i realized that usually vacations are the END of diets and progress for me - usually I GAIN weight...this time I exercised and held the line...that is progress. And what's more - it is sustainable progress - it is a new habit. I love the image above - slow progress is PROGRESS!!! Thanks my friend for keeping on keeping on - if you can, i can too.

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SHRINK_U 8/17/2012 2:10PM

    Great message :) One of the biggest reasons I have continued this go-round and not given up is because I made the mental decision and it finally clicked that any progress is in fact progress!

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JENNNY135 8/17/2012 12:38PM

    Thanks for the analogy, what a great blog. I love the quote so if you're okay I'm going to copy it.

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ELLEJAY7 8/17/2012 12:13PM

    Great blog!



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OREOSMILE 8/17/2012 9:23AM

    You are building the habits that wll keep you at goal for a lifetime - sounds smart to me!

emoticon emoticon

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KBRADFORD88 8/16/2012 5:22PM

    Here here. It's taken me 2 months to lose 10 pounds. But I am losing!

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IRONBLOSSOM 8/16/2012 5:05PM

    Nice!

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JANEMARIE77 8/16/2012 4:43PM

    love it

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DANILYNNG 8/16/2012 4:42PM

    So true... who cares if the progress is slow? Slow and steady gets you where you want to go, and it gets you there safely and soundly!

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KATIEGARCIA2 8/16/2012 4:38PM

  love the quote!!

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From tears to feet

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

If you have never been severely morbidly obese, I am not sure that you can understand what that is like. When you know that you are alone even though the room is full of people. When you you dont want to go out because the world is full of many obstacles and pains. When you get up and weigh and cry because that number changed and you have no idea as to why. Your body hurts just from sleeping. The hopelessness invades your soul and you reside to the fact that you are going to die from this. Then one day in that dark place there is a ray of light that says please move today. You dont want to tell anyone that you are going to try again because you cant take the look if you fail again. So you get up and you move. and you think ok i did that what is next and before you know it you move again and again. You dont get happy because well we have been here before and it didnt work so you just keep moving. When you are like me ( almost 200 pounds overweight) you cant look at that number, you do this one step one pound at a time. You dont dare dream you just keep moving, you let this moving start to cleanse your soul.
For me everyday honestly could be a party. The first six months were not fun at all. Blisters followed by rashes, nausia as my body detoxed, Headaches from blood pressure spikes. I have dug deep inside and found strength when I didnt think it was any left. I have watched as every member of my family has jumped on board. If you did a grand total of weight my family as a total has lost this past year it would be roughly 165 pounds. I have personally lost 75 pounds the equivalent to both on my grandsons combined weight. Which should be the best thing however there are somethings that truly make me cry.
This morning at the track ... I was walking thinking wondering when i saw something that took me completely by surprise. I know it will be hard to phantom as i walked i looked down and I saw my feet ... An unobstructed view of my feet. Something that should not be big deal is huge . I cried for where i had been, I cried for how far i had come , I cried for how far i had to go. But i didnt stop i just watched in amazement at the feet at the end of my legs. During this process there are so many emotions that i have to deal with. You name it and i have felt it at one point or another. This is just one of the better ones.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OREOSMILE 8/12/2012 2:58PM

    emoticon

bet you've been carrying around a big grin ever since! awesome non-scale victory!

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CITYZOZO 8/10/2012 1:02AM

    i love this blog.. way to go!

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JULIAOAK 8/8/2012 3:57AM

    that is fantastic - you are doing a wonderful job and an inspiration to us all - keep up the great work. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KFEASEL13 8/7/2012 9:22PM

    What an accomplishment! I am so proud of you! emoticon

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ADARKARA 8/7/2012 8:31PM

    Well DONE! You are an inspiration to us all =)

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MANILUS 8/7/2012 8:26PM

    Congratulations on your success, it truly is a journey for 1 day at a time and when you have a bad day, make the next one better! You CAN do it!

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SHRINK_U 8/7/2012 8:22PM

    It is so wild ALL of the emotions we experience everyday while in this process. One minute I am laughing, then crying, then angry, then frustrated, and then ecstatic. Look how far you have come :) Tell your feet that Lemonhead said HELLO.

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IRONBLOSSOM 8/7/2012 6:45PM

    Oh my goodness what a great blog! I can't believe how far you've come! You're awesome and SO INSPIRING!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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THINNYGINNY 8/7/2012 6:09PM

    Time to get some fabulous shoes - like those bright yellow running shoes the olympians are wearing!!! Or paint a happy face on your shoes!! So happy for you - i know how you feel!!

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DESERT_BIRD 8/7/2012 3:13PM

    emoticon
Those are the milestones that keep us going. And the surprises along the way are gifts. Enjoy the journey; it keeps getting better.
emoticon

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SLPORTER1978 8/7/2012 3:05PM

    What a wonderful blog. Thank you for sharing. You made me cry happy tears. I am so happy for your success and wish you further success in your journey.

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KBRADFORD88 8/7/2012 2:55PM

    You go newtink. I am so stinking excited for you. I have felt hopeless. Shoot I see that feeling about once a month, But, moving makes it better. Good for you emoticon

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DANILYNNG 8/7/2012 2:45PM

    Oh, my goodness, sweetie - you made me cry! No, I've never been morbidly obese, so I don't know what it's like, so your blog was a chilling little peek. I'm so very, very glad that you've begun this journey and that you are finding success along the way. I'm also glad that I"m here for the journey and I get to see your milestones through your eyes.

Just one thing: Now that you can see your feet, go get a pedicure! You deserve a pretty view emoticon

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SUGARSMOM2 8/7/2012 1:38PM

  I was told i was morbidly overweight . I am trying to overcome and move my hindend to stop this . It takes time and lots of footwork . move the mountian and you will find lyou feel better . look better . keep trying do not stop .

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