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RHH : Why take this Journey ?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Why do I take this Journey? What motivates me to get up and do it again in the morning? What do I want ? Hmm well these are all good questions I will grant you that. Sooooo, lets dive into my mind, heart and soul and see if I can come up with the answer for you ( LOL).

Why take the Journey of changing my life?
1. Health ... as I get older the concerns of diabetes, heart problems and cancer grows
2. So that people no longer fill like they have the right to suggest some god awful surgery that will make me so much thinner but they dont figure in the complications.
3. fear : the fear of dying and being so obese that someone will decide to cremate me because i cant fit the casket or worst put me in a casket and somebody drop me on the way to the grave.
4. I have two grandsons ages 2 and 4 and they are completely surrounded by severely obese people and I want them to see at least one person who worked hard and stayed dedicated to the Journey to a healthy life.
5. Because I want to be recognized as the person I truly am.
6. I never want to feel hopeless again.
7. because 10 feet is not a walking track
8. because I am not earl campbell
9. because i want to make other responsible for their actions.
10 because I am not your excuse

What motivates me ?
1. lol the scale
2. Sunshine even on a rainy day
3. less pain
4. new bones
5. The sound of those words " my god you lost so much weight"
6. the fight for a happier life
7. My grandsons
8. my sons
9. My brother
10. the drill sergeant in my head when I dont think I can do it .

What do I want ?
1. Matching bras and panties
2. creases in pleats of my pants
3. stripes that go around and not up and down
4. for people to keep their dieting ideas to themselves, My weight has not made it to NBC yet so it is not open for discussion go find a 145 person and talk to them please.
5. I want to walk into walmart and shop in the normal size clothes because you can tell the difference between the clothes and the table cloths there. not in the plus size
6. I never want to be made to feel like I should be ashamed of who I am again .
7. Confidence that is just there and not willed from the pit of my stomach
8. When you look at me I want there to be no reason that you cant see the real me.
9. I want to walk into a room and everyone turn to look because Yea i am that good not because I am the biggest one there
10. I want to sit at booths again and my stomach to touch the top of the table. Ok well I am not sure that one counts because well i can already do this now .
11. I want to know that when you use the word intimidating to define me it is because you know i am the force that your mom warned you about not because I am bigger than you because I promise I dont smack people at all but what I can do with my mind, wit and vocabulary will make you wish I would.

Ok well i am not sure that this what they wanted but it is what they got. oh and tomorrow I want the 5k in 50 .... Have a great evening every one.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OREOSMILE 7/29/2012 2:37PM

    Love it!! With all those reasons and motivation, there is no stopping you!

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BECKYI39 7/29/2012 11:26AM

    Thanks for sharing!

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CHICA125KML 7/29/2012 9:02AM

    I love your reasons!!

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INGBADEN 7/29/2012 8:13AM

    Great list.

I love number 4. Aside from you sparkies and my firend who lost 120 pounds I really don't have any interest in what other people are spouting off about. ESPECIALLY when I never asked their opinion.

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XPHOENIX 7/28/2012 10:21PM

    Very well done, Darlene!! Great reasons and it's exactly what I wanted :) XOXO

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STEPMISHIE 7/28/2012 10:19PM

    Very inspiring, awesome lists!!!
emoticon emoticon

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DANILYNNG 7/28/2012 9:30PM

    They all sound good to me! emoticon

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SHRINK_U 7/28/2012 8:47PM

    You go get that 5k in 50, girl!!! Those are great desires and motivations. I love #11 on the bottom.. yes!

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Together anything is possible

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

As most have read my blog over the past few days Know that I have been working on coming through one of those ugly times in life. Since medications dont work with me when these time hit i have to fight to get it back under control. I am not by no means blowing my own horn because really it isnt just me that pulls me out. This is the truly wonderful thing about SparkPeople the challenges that I get involved in .. The individual as well as the team ones.

Personal goals :
7/25 to weigh 292 for the Done girl challenge ... ok so well 293.6 this morning but that is a loss of 4 pounds since Saturday 7/21 So hey I will take that any day of the week.
7/29 Sparkpeople Virtual 5k walk ... I want to do this in 50 minutes ... my time as of Monday is 54 minutes ... So we are getting there.

Team Goals :
Sass Sparklers
5% cloverleaf summer challenge
When you are part of a team challenge where what you do directly affects the team. you work harder really because you dont want to let the team down. I found over the past few days of sweat and I do mean a lot of sweat I felt guilty but not for what you might think. I felt guilty because as crazy as it sounds I said I am sorry to the teams or I let you down. In reality that was projection of a lot on to the teams. My weight gain might have brought down the team total but that was on me. Through the process of changing my life it is honesty to myself, so here I must be honest what I should have said is " i am sorry Darlene I let you down". Having been lets say larger my whole life I learned early on that I had to be tough well I am without a doubt However sometimes I am to tough on me. It truly is how I am designed you push and give it all you got then and only then does the end have meaning. Sparkpeople allows me to accountable to not only myself but the system ... the people on Spark people through their blogs, post and pictures remind me it alright to be me.

What I did to lose 4 pounds in five days well now :
120 plus minutes of exercise a day
ate at the mid of my calorie range every day about 1300 calories a day
lots of protein (oreosmile says that is good )
and made sure i got in 10 glasses of water a day ...
I know I cant do that everyday but it was important right now to help cleanse the soul.

Thank you all for all the support and encouragement that you give me. I wanted a picture of the scale for this blog but the camera decided this was a good day to screw up ...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KBRADFORD88 7/26/2012 10:38PM

    I know medication is a very personal thing, but I have found a lot of relief with St. John's wort and L-trypohphan. I hope that you are feeling more like yourself. I hate when I get down. But, I applaud you on being real and out here. emoticon

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SHRINK_U 7/25/2012 10:25PM

    Way to go on your loss! I understand about feeling like letting a team down. I feel that way with the Biggest Loser Challenge team I am on, too. I get down on myself sometimes because I am not pulling big numbers. I try to remind myself that not all of us are going to have all good weeks. Nice blog, Tink :)



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WENWIN 7/25/2012 9:35PM

    Good for you with that weight loss. I would have to say you more than made up for that less than happy experience last Saturday.

I agree about being on a team. I can't imagine putting down a time or a goal that wasn't real even to push the team forward. After all I would only be hurting myself. Yes, if one isn't honest here...what's the point?

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NANAW12001 7/25/2012 1:56PM

  Well you have a great blog. emoticon

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funny shots of new outfit

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I am like every other big bodied person in the world ... white and bright are not my friends but I bought them any way lol ... Remember I dont like pictures lol

Ok now you know my friends have a sense of humor ... have a great evening !!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CITYZOZO 7/26/2012 4:13PM

    great, new clothes are fun.. enjoy!

great backround!

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XPHOENIX 7/26/2012 12:32AM

    I think you look ADORABLE and I love it! :)) XO

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BECKYI39 7/25/2012 8:10AM

    You look great! emoticon

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WENWIN 7/24/2012 9:53PM

    I think the hat is awesome and makes the outfit. Thanks for sharing.
I also went up weight -wise on Saturday so I know that getting mad feeling. I am pretty sure it was my late night eating a couple times that helped but I did go hiking on Saturday for over 2 hours. I am sooo hoping this Saturday will bring better results. And this goes for you too:)

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MLH148 7/24/2012 9:24PM

    Made me smile emoticon

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SHRINK_U 7/24/2012 8:59PM

    I think the bright colors go well with your bright smile. Cute hat, too!

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DIBANANA 7/24/2012 8:52PM

  You look happy, cool and cheerful. That smile completes your look!

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NANACHRON 7/24/2012 8:23PM

    Those colors look great on you!!!!
KC emoticon

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REDHATSHAPELY1 7/24/2012 8:21PM

    I love bright colors. They make me feel alive!

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JIMIPAGE29 7/24/2012 8:15PM

    I'm not brave enough to post mine. I just use them to amuse my wife.

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    You look great. Thanks for sharing.

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Coming through the party ( not a good party either)

Monday, July 23, 2012

The not so fun party started on about Wed. The guys came knocking that morning and well it wasnt a fun few days. The guys depression, guilt, anxiety and self pity they drop by from time to time for no reason at all. I know internally when they are coming and i try to prepare for them but sometimes with all of life's little instances they are able to sneak past the defenses. Once they are here it is just ride the wave and hope like hell I remember to breath. I can not take prescription meds that would help these guys. So i just saying this to shall pass. And i fight not to just lay in the bed and cry. My family doesnt understand that they help these guys come visit with me because of all the undue stress and worry that they put on me. Depression loves the flavor of chocolate always wants it I trick it with the less calorie less sugar variety because I dont keep any other kind in the house but even 100 calorie servings are bad if you dont watch it. OH guilt loves home southern cooked comfort foods beckoning for second servings. Anxiety now he is an add kinda fellow he doesnt want anything to eat, he wants nothing. all three are made complete by self pity now he is a cunning little fellow he just wait around stuck off over in the corner knowing when the other three are finished my soul will be his to feast on. He will remind of how he told me I would never be healthy, never be fit and I really shouldnt work so hard. Yea these guys are a blast to be around NOT. Self pity hadnt had much to say over the three day visit he was waiting. Saturday morning I got up and weighed and oh my god while the guys were all sleeping I saw the number 298 Self pity was the first to wake he knew it was a gain, now I was his for the picking so he thought. The first registrered gain in 7 months. And now the girl came to visit and she was pissed. She is that reflection in the mirror that clears her voice and it even scares me. Self pity and the girl dont get alone because she kicks his butt. A splash of cold water to the face and a what the hell are you doing, Get your shoes and off we go. The inner Tink is not happy with that number at all and she knows how to get rid of the guys. She leaves their lazy butts in the apartment and we hit the road. Sweat, walk it out, you let go of them, walk, sweat, my husband is like talk to me and i say I cant right now.. Sweat, walk it off , cry , get it out, you by god leave those guys ... Run , sweat, cry , you get rid of them. Run tink Run till you release it. Music blaring in my head and she says really 2.5 pounds the gave you back 2.5 pounds and you took it all. Now you have to work to get it off but right now you work just to get rid of those guys. 30 minutes into this walk/run thing I am knealing on the ground crying like a two year old for what reason i have no clue. The guys were weakening and the sun felt great again. My husband says to me Do you think that helps your foot ? I say no but sometimes my soul hurts more than my foot. On Saturday I logged 167 minutes for the day but more importantly I made it through the party with the guys and now everything seems a little clearer. I suppose if you are reading this what I want you to know is that I am not insane first of all and second never let the guys get you so down that your inner soul cant find you ... Sweat and tears are tools that might help you run out of the fog. There is never a good reason for the guys to come visit and they are very powerful but like Forrest Gump You can run and exercise to help them stay at bay, they are a lazy bunch of guys so sweat and sunshine is not their friend at all.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KFEASEL13 8/7/2012 9:36PM

    No, you are not insane, you are amazing and brave and wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes too. Thank you, thank you!

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KBRADFORD88 7/25/2012 11:14AM

    Oh girl, I want you to know you are not alone at the party. We all say we are not crazy when in fact, so many of us have these very feelings all the time. So proud of you for moving. Exercise has been shown to have as much effect as anti-depressants. I face demons all the time. I have to get out of my head what is in my head or the inner voices will just take over. Talk talk talk and walk walk walk. You are doing it. And it will make a difference. emoticon

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SHRINK_U 7/23/2012 5:42PM

    This is a great blog, Tink. I am so proud of you for throwing cold water on your face .. putting on your shoes... and kicking those guys to the curb.

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WILDBEANERZ 7/23/2012 2:49PM

    This blog brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad that you have fought off your inner demons and got the sunshine back in your life. It is so hard not to get down on ourselves and let everything in the world come crashing down on us. emoticon

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THINNYGINNY 7/23/2012 12:35PM

    Glad you are beating those guys! I too have found that exercise outdoors and SWEAT has vanquished a lot of demons!

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Dear Nightmare .... it is time

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dear Nightmare,
You and I have this love hate relationship. I remember the day we met I was searching and searching and there you were on the shelf starring at me. The man did his selling point but i didnt listen I wanted just plain white no color. After days of searching I came back and there you sat waiting on me and we have been together ever since. Two years of hell. I am not an easy person to get along well because you were the one thing in my life that I knew was going to hurt me. I have certainly abused you. 9 months before surgery my foot would swell and stretch your mouth so wide I am sure it was uncomfortable. There were many days when I took you off and just threw you in the back seat of the car until the next time I needed. The 10 weeks of recovery times must of felt like I abandoned , but alas there again I knew you were going to hurt. So you sat beside the door in your place daunting at me but alas i just walked by never paying you another thought. When I decided to put you back on I am sure you were shocked at how much more weight you had to carry. But as friends go you are the best. You have been there for every step of the way. You have taken the abuse that I gave you and never gave up. I have walked you through mud, in the rain, I have been so upset with you for hurting me that I have thrown you against the wall in the back of the closet, I have swore there I would never put you back on. But you were always right there to say emoticon. We have accomplished many things together
With your help I have :
1. lost 70 pounds
2. I have only 1.5 chins again
3. there were three rolls of fat on my back now there is just one
4. When I walk my knees dont touch and I have the beginning of the ^ the opening of between the thighs lol
5. I have defined shoulders
6. defined shoulder blades
7. My breast are separate from my stomach
8. I can feel my chest bone
9. I can feel my ribs
10. I know longer wake my self up snoring
11. I can walk 3 plus miles
12. Can shave my legs without looking like i am a contortionist
13.Can paint my own toe nails
14. My Neck doest look like my shoulders threw up
15. there is actually space between my toes
16. Down 2 sizes in most clothes
17. my panties dont look like a family of four moved out of them
18. Can actually wear lingerie again with lights on
19. Can run a 1/4 of a mile but dont tell the doctor that one
20. when I eat i dont immediately need a nap
21. no more dizzy spells or headaches
22. Reduction in panic attacks.
23. Higher self confidence
24 ability to feel desirable again
25. lost 19 percent of starting weight.
I know yesterday you saw me looking online at for your replacement. I am sorry but I must get a new friend. However, you dont have to worry I am not throwing you away or giving you away. No you are to important to me for that You will keep your spot beside the door and i will visit you from time to time and remember fondly the nightmares we have shared. One day you might make it into the closet but no worries You will be with me all the time. If the new friend doesnt work out you might be called back into duty. You have been the best Nightmare I ever had. So dont look at this like as good bye look at is a promotion where you dont have to work so hard. Please I know it is a lot to ask but when the new friend is sitting there next to you in a few days explained them that well this is a tough job but in time we will grow to love them also.

nightmare 7/17/2012

By the way I know you are not happy with being shelved but I really didnt appreciate the blister on my heel yesterday after I walk. I expected more from you ... Love you Nightmare thanks for the years.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XPHOENIX 7/20/2012 2:38AM

    HAHA! This is so great! I want new shoes also... I want THESE:

This blog is totally fantastic and you are AWESOME!! GREAT blog! LIKE LIKE LIKE!!! :) Congrats on the changes! WooHoo!!! XOXO

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WENWIN 7/19/2012 9:46AM

    Very well said...from nightmare to friend, sounds like quite the journey.

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KBRADFORD88 7/19/2012 9:18AM

    Tink, Love it. That's right. Get a new pair. I have to get a new pair every 6 months, cause these shoes are made for tiny people and by tiny I mean under 150. Crazy huh? You rock! emoticon

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SHRINK_U 7/18/2012 3:32PM

    So cute... you and Nightmare have been through A LOT together :)

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ELLEJAY7 7/18/2012 2:31PM

    Love your blog! emoticon

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/18/2012 12:29PM


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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THINNYGINNY 7/18/2012 11:38AM

    Love the picture of the beat up shoes - you should frame that!!! Commitment and perseverance win every time - proud of you and your 1.5 chins...

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JULIAOAK 7/18/2012 11:31AM


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YULLABELLE 7/18/2012 11:18AM

    I know what you mean. I had to get a new pair of walking shoes and I do miss old ones. emoticon

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DRKEYEZ820 7/18/2012 10:12AM

    This Blog made me smile! Your shoes sure did get a beatin LOL. i love it!

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DRAGONFLY02 7/18/2012 9:48AM

    Haha! That's an awesome blog.

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KATYDID412 7/18/2012 8:52AM

    Fantastic! emoticon

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MAESTRAPLANK1 7/18/2012 7:59AM

    This is one of the most creative blogs I have read in a long time. I just completed my first 5K and I am challenging all the members of my team Tebow's Fans for Christ to do the same thing! I am so proud of you. We have similar situations. I have lost only 59 pounds, but I have been able to eliminate one blood pressure medicine and am striving to get rid of the remaining one. I love the can only appreciate it if you have been there. I remember having to use corn starch on my thighs after walking because they rubbed together so much it created very tender spots on my legs. Painting toenails, tying shoes, crossing legs, and for me...climbing up and down bleachers at the baseball field...what a blessing. My grandchildren and children were absolutely amazed...I didn't say I did it gracefully but I did it without assistance. WOOHOO! P.S. I am in the same boat....need to buy a new pair of walking shoes....I think I will put artificial flowers in my old ones and use them for decoration! LOL! Thanks for sharing!

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