I lay here in my bed wondering is it worth all this. I started this process to get healthy and have less pain. I am so very careful to listen to my body but i think it needs a megaphone to get through the fat because I rarely know if something hurts till it is to late. My body hurts not little aches it hurts. Last week I had to go to the doctor with a sweat gland under my arm. It was infected and had ruptured. While there I talked to him about the numbness in my right thigh. And of course no test no nothing it is the fat from my stomach laying on my leg doing something to a nerve. You know it would really be nice to go to the doctor and everything not being linked to my weight. That was on Thursday of last week little did i know that it could get worst . Saturday during my walk the right leg began to hurt to which it has continued to do since. we are pretty sure it is a quad muscle that is damaged at this point but wont know for sure until i get in to see my doctor cant do that for another 2 weeks it is visitation time with the grandsons till then. This is the same leg that is attached to the foot from hell. moving on to the left knee not sure what is going on with it . It has hurt since the 5k last year most days it is bearable just now it is picking up slack for the right side and well it doesnt like that and doesnt mind telling me so. Have i waited to long to lose the weight ? Is there enough left to go on ? I really wish I could say hell yes but right now I am not so sure right now. I know in a few hours I will wake up cautiously crawl out and start another day. I know before i start that day I will make a long 5 ft walk to my bathroom and look myself in the mirror and tell myself it will be alright and I can do this day. But right now at the end of one of those days sitting with three frozen clay packs on the hurting parts hoping to get the relief i so despertly fighting for tomorrow seems so far away. I will live to fight again tomorrow but for right now I will cry like a girl.
Earlier i was looking trying to find some spark and i came across this and it is as it close to how I feel about my weight loss process
So I am bored tonight and thought I would share my trip to get my new Drivers license . Mine were expired. So off i go to the dreaded DMV because well you know they want to take a picture lol . I get to the window and the lady says she needs my old license.
I hand them to her ... here is the picture off that picture ... it was taken in 2008
You can tell I hate taking that picture lol
she said you dont even look like the same person... i smiled said thank you and then we discussed what i have been doing to lose weight. She even wrote down the Sparkpeople website and my username for here so hopefully she comes and looks all of us.
So she takes a new picture and i wait for my new license. I pick them up and I go out to my car and look at them and compare.
I had to get a La ID card. that was in 2010 ... here is that picture and well you can tell i am not impressed again lol I had gotten off work and then had to wait for over two hours to get this picture done ..
Now I will share the picture from today .... Hang on it might shock you lol
This graph says a mouthful to me about my weight loss. A year ago I started the process of changing my life. I had to crawl before I could walk. There at that time no spark people no daily dose of reading of everyone's success and failures Just me. I set forth a program that I personally designed that kicked my tail and yea it was tough. But it worked and the weight started coming off. Slowly mind you but my mind set as long as I didnt gain I was good. every loss was celebrated and every maintained was just as awesome to me there was no gain. I am very happy to say after 52 weeks I only had gains during the past holiday season when I choose not to any program. I read everything I could i emerged myself in knowledge.
The original plan was so very simple it was crazy. I got my calories to 1200 and I worked out every day of the week. Understand that in the begining it was after a crippling stint on my couch. I had to build muscle mass back before I could anything. I was determined to loose weight all at cost. I woke up every morning and I told my self two things in the mirror ... 1. I love you but this is going to hurt today and 2. we are only shooting for -.1 pound ... that is all just one tenth on a pound.
Then I found this wonderful place called Spark people. It was like finding the ultimate candy store. The people are going through the same things as I am, the resources are amazing and tracking is so much simpler and oh yea it is free so it works well in any budget. i set a goal and missed it reset it and missed it ... In May i made a list of things I needed to do goals to meet every day and I pushed hard, the mindset was to get to the almighty 299 before my birthday and by god wills I did that... then I felt like i could conquer the world.
It happened on June 16, I woke up at 2 am scared out of my mind. What if I gained the weight back? What if i ate to much/ What if I didnt eat enough? My mind was caving in around me! I will walk it off so i am up walking in my drive way at 2 am dont give in to the fear. One hour of walking and nothing had changed I am scared I am going to fail I am going to let everyone down I have always failed.. Read Tink So inside I am reading on spark people I really wish this was the moment that someone said something profound and it all made sense to me but not going to happen. I stopped reading the goal list and I determined that I needed to change my core program... I was so scared of being over 300 pounds that I weighed every night oh god 301 then in the morning 299 I have been doing this for weeks now. I have not gained a pound or lost a pound I am holding every morning at 299 WT* ( sorry yea i know it is ugly but it is honest) Frustration set in and then my mind went to not eating enough so try to get the calories up not working out enough so join a 5k challenge work work work .... Night sweats and night mares of me being out of control at a buffet ( mind you never have been)
Welcome to my mind ... the stop sign is up and I am now residing safely in the cross walk. The fact of the matter is I didnt get fat because I ate to much or didnt work hard enough. The fact is that I have never eaten a lot of food I made bad choices of the food that I did eat. Fact is I have always been active Just never structured in a routine geared to fitness. Fact is I am scared to death of failing because i am surrounded by people who have succeeded. I read blogs and post and I forget that everyone had to start where I started, one step,one bite , and one fear at a time. I have lost 67 pounds to date and that is nothing to sneeze at. I have a long way to go but I will get there however I have to do it the way that is right for me.
I am going back to my program that works for me. I am leaving all the fear, new calorie needs and everything else that I have decided I must do in order not to weigh 300 pounds again here with this blog. I dont think i will ever eat 1500 calories in a day and that is fine with me. I already walk 2 miles and love the challenge of the 5k and I will get there because I want to and I always do what i want to do.
If you take the time to read this blog I am not leaving Spark people I love it here but if you are just starting out on a journey of your own remember we all have right where you are and dont gauge yourself by the rest of us we are just struggling just like you.
My mind set forth a stop sign that I am hoping to reassure it that we are back to only looking for a loss of .1 again .... Here we go back to square one again.
First of all let me say right off the bat that this will be a little wordy for that I am sorry.
Monday 6/25 : This was my birthday. It was a great day mainly because I was below 300 pounds. That is and will forever be my awesome birthday gift to myself. However, that was not the only gift. My husband got me a Wii along with the Wii fit game. My son got me the Zumba game along with a new more comfortable Blue tooth for my cell phone. My brother also got me a new blue tooth for my cell lol. I will keep one put up because the grand babies have broken two so far this year. I love both of the games and am already addicted to Frogger lol long story not here. Had birthday cake which left me on a sugar high since I dont eat a lot of sugar any longer. I received a gazillion birthday wishes here on spark people and on Face book. To which I am grateful for each and everyone of them. I know I have not properly thanked everyone however I have been having a very unusual week.
Tuesday 6/26 and beyond. My 21 year old son ( yes momma's baby ) had major shoulder surgery. They had to repair a Bankor tear on the bottom side of his shoulder. Let me tell you this has to be the most painful procedure I have seen anyone go through. They did a never block an like to have lost me when they put the needle into his neck. I am so seriously not down with any thing been done to the neck. At about 930 Tuesday night this wore off and then it was on for real. like with any pain it is worst at night. This only complicated with what he call the " tummy of a 2 yr old infant " meaning he can tolerate meds very good. So pain meds led to vomiting. We paced the floor till roughly 4 am Wednesday morning. This has led to my personal schedules being thrown into turmoil however that can not be important right now until i am sure that he is alright and can take care of himself again. So to all you parents of little ones let me tell you just because they get grown and have their own children doesn't matter they will forever be your baby, when they hurt at 21 you will still hurt right a long with them and will do anything to make it go away for them. Yesterday he started experiencing severe pain again. Not sure what is up with that but i hope it is better this morning when he gets up.
So this brings us to SparkPeople: I have tried diligently to stay up to the minute on birthdays, DGOTD and my challenges along with the other teams I am involved in. However I do realize that I have fell behind. I have caught on most birthdays and the DGOTD. I am the leader of a team " Let's Get Fit Mississippi" I have not had the time that i would like to throw into this team but I will get there. I love everyone on the team and they all are doing awesome and I am sorry you can't have the attention right now that you all deserve from a leader. I am also a member of the Mississippi Sparkers. Both of these teams give me a since of balance and understanding because they understand the environmental of this process.
Done being the fat girl and Walking with Leslie Sansone groups are very dear to me because they are the first groups that made feel like it was possible to be something different outwardly while being the same inwardly. I have missed out posting here but they are great so they understand. Being a "fat bodied chick" plays a lot on the mentality I dont see me as that " fat girl" but I do find that I revert to thinking that I am when under pressure. So these teams help me stay away from that.
The ladies room team attacks just the issues of being a woman and trying to lose weight. I wonder if men have as many issues as we do. However this is an awesome group because it helps one learn about the other things that come along with weight loss.
6 a day ... ZoZo and Releigh started this as a challenge group to get in more fruits and veggies. Now that works. Try getting in six a day and beyond. it is not as simple as it sounds.
Team 1 : Rock It Sparklers
This challenge is a spin of Done being the Fat girl and oh my god if you need challenge and great people this is the place to be. These are real people with real lives. There is more support than anyone can ask for. I joined at the end of last season's SASS challenge and they welcomed me right in. Today starts the Rock it challenge for the next season.
Challenge 1: I have to list a workout plan for week 1, so here it goes.
7/1 Cardio ( 5k training walk) week 2
7/2 Cardio along with Strength training
7/3 cardio ( 5k training) and learning how to use my new ab lounger
7/4 cardio ( but not to much it is a holiday for god sakes lol )
7/5 Cardio ( 5k training) and strength training
7/6 Cardio and then start the cutting the grass
7/7 Cardio a long with cutting the grass.
I am seriously considering joining a gym however that is on hold for right now till my son is better.
Challenge Team 2 : 5 % challenge Team cloverleaf
This is a unique team that uses your exercise as air miles and you along with your team compete with other team to reach destinations first. Last week we landed three days ahead of schedule in Tokyo. This week we are on our way to Athens.
Virtual 5K race.
This is me last year at my first 5 k ever. I walked it in 1 hr 15 minutes. So I joined the virtual 5K to see if i could beat my time. Race day is 7/29 so we shall see.
Look I know this is a lot of information but like I said at the begining I am trying to catch up and let everyone in on what is going on while completing part of my challenge mission.
Motivational pics just for you all so you can have me with you all even if i am not here on my regular schedule:
Leigh and Nixy will love that one
That one oreosmile and ESMommy and Katydid should love.
alright everyone time to get busy in the real world ... Why wont those dishes do themselves?
Well Nike managed to move themselves off my list this morning. I synced my ipod and went to Nike.com to record my walking information and it still did not update in the new program. Warning I woke up in a bad mood to start with. Which is never a good thing. I went to email them about the issue when I said frig ( not really the word i used but it will work for here) So I called them. And I was pissed after being on hold for 42 minutes.
Complaint one: Where did NIKE active ( conquer the world) got to? it is being updated and it will be back in the fall. Why is that the new program NIKE + not log my workout information from my walk? the new program only registers runs. How do i get it recognize my walks? I have to buy a sport kit and yes that new pair of shoes i have been putting off. Ok so I can do all that but bring my program. It was fun and motivational. For of you who do not know what i am talking about ... I use the pedometer on my Nano to track my walks then log in to Nike.com and there were different countries that I would use steps to get the badge for that country. If was just a good way to stay motivated to move.
Complaint 2: Why cant Nike be more health conscious instead of just the extremest? line and sinker they say they are trying to address everyone's needs as the market grows toward health away from just athletics. Ok so I guess will give that one.
Last Complaint Clothing for the journey I am on ? yes it is a b*tch complaint I know but yea since I was talking to a real person I figured I would throw it out there. And am I shocked. I explained to the man that I was talking to that I don't want the models body I want their clothes. He said where have you been doing your shopping? I told him and he said check out NIKESTORE.COM. So I did and although they do not have my size right now. On the official website you can find clothes for women size 22 including a Pittsburgh Steeler work out tank ( out of stock right now) but it is something new to work to.
OK so Nike is not so far off as I thought and feel better about the whole situation. This is just a blog to kinda let you know that Nike is working toward and constantly improving it self to a better company. Just setting the record straight.