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Dear Nightmare .... it is time

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dear Nightmare,
You and I have this love hate relationship. I remember the day we met I was searching and searching and there you were on the shelf starring at me. The man did his selling point but i didnt listen I wanted just plain white no color. After days of searching I came back and there you sat waiting on me and we have been together ever since. Two years of hell. I am not an easy person to get along well because you were the one thing in my life that I knew was going to hurt me. I have certainly abused you. 9 months before surgery my foot would swell and stretch your mouth so wide I am sure it was uncomfortable. There were many days when I took you off and just threw you in the back seat of the car until the next time I needed. The 10 weeks of recovery times must of felt like I abandoned , but alas there again I knew you were going to hurt. So you sat beside the door in your place daunting at me but alas i just walked by never paying you another thought. When I decided to put you back on I am sure you were shocked at how much more weight you had to carry. But as friends go you are the best. You have been there for every step of the way. You have taken the abuse that I gave you and never gave up. I have walked you through mud, in the rain, I have been so upset with you for hurting me that I have thrown you against the wall in the back of the closet, I have swore there I would never put you back on. But you were always right there to say emoticon. We have accomplished many things together
With your help I have :
1. lost 70 pounds
2. I have only 1.5 chins again
3. there were three rolls of fat on my back now there is just one
4. When I walk my knees dont touch and I have the beginning of the ^ the opening of between the thighs lol
5. I have defined shoulders
6. defined shoulder blades
7. My breast are separate from my stomach
8. I can feel my chest bone
9. I can feel my ribs
10. I know longer wake my self up snoring
11. I can walk 3 plus miles
12. Can shave my legs without looking like i am a contortionist
13.Can paint my own toe nails
14. My Neck doest look like my shoulders threw up
15. there is actually space between my toes
16. Down 2 sizes in most clothes
17. my panties dont look like a family of four moved out of them
18. Can actually wear lingerie again with lights on
19. Can run a 1/4 of a mile but dont tell the doctor that one
20. when I eat i dont immediately need a nap
21. no more dizzy spells or headaches
22. Reduction in panic attacks.
23. Higher self confidence
24 ability to feel desirable again
25. lost 19 percent of starting weight.
I know yesterday you saw me looking online at Nike.com for your replacement. I am sorry but I must get a new friend. However, you dont have to worry I am not throwing you away or giving you away. No you are to important to me for that You will keep your spot beside the door and i will visit you from time to time and remember fondly the nightmares we have shared. One day you might make it into the closet but no worries You will be with me all the time. If the new friend doesnt work out you might be called back into duty. You have been the best Nightmare I ever had. So dont look at this like as good bye look at is a promotion where you dont have to work so hard. Please I know it is a lot to ask but when the new friend is sitting there next to you in a few days explained them that well this is a tough job but in time we will grow to love them also.

nightmare 7/17/2012


By the way I know you are not happy with being shelved but I really didnt appreciate the blister on my heel yesterday after I walk. I expected more from you ... Love you Nightmare thanks for the years.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XPHOENIX 7/20/2012 2:38AM

    HAHA! This is so great! I want new shoes also... I want THESE:
http://tinyurl.com/MyNBNe
wShoes

This blog is totally fantastic and you are AWESOME!! GREAT blog! LIKE LIKE LIKE!!! :) Congrats on the changes! WooHoo!!! XOXO

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WENWIN 7/19/2012 9:46AM

    Very well said...from nightmare to friend, sounds like quite the journey.
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KBRADFORD88 7/19/2012 9:18AM

    Tink, Love it. That's right. Get a new pair. I have to get a new pair every 6 months, cause these shoes are made for tiny people and by tiny I mean under 150. Crazy huh? You rock! emoticon

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SHRINK_U 7/18/2012 3:32PM

    So cute... you and Nightmare have been through A LOT together :)

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ELLEJAY7 7/18/2012 2:31PM

    Love your blog! emoticon

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/18/2012 12:29PM

    Awesome!!

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THINNYGINNY 7/18/2012 11:38AM

    Love the picture of the beat up shoes - you should frame that!!! Commitment and perseverance win every time - proud of you and your 1.5 chins...

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JULIAOAK 7/18/2012 11:31AM

    emoticon

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YULLABELLE 7/18/2012 11:18AM

    I know what you mean. I had to get a new pair of walking shoes and I do miss old ones. emoticon

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DRKEYEZ820 7/18/2012 10:12AM

    This Blog made me smile! Your shoes sure did get a beatin LOL. i love it!

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DRAGONFLY02 7/18/2012 9:48AM

    Haha! That's an awesome blog.

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KATYDID412 7/18/2012 8:52AM

    Fantastic! emoticon

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MAESTRAPLANK1 7/18/2012 7:59AM

    This is one of the most creative blogs I have read in a long time. I just completed my first 5K and I am challenging all the members of my team Tebow's Fans for Christ to do the same thing! I am so proud of you. We have similar situations. I have lost only 59 pounds, but I have been able to eliminate one blood pressure medicine and am striving to get rid of the remaining one. I love the list...you can only appreciate it if you have been there. I remember having to use corn starch on my thighs after walking because they rubbed together so much it created very tender spots on my legs. Painting toenails, tying shoes, crossing legs, and for me...climbing up and down bleachers at the baseball field...what a blessing. My grandchildren and children were absolutely amazed...I didn't say I did it gracefully but I did it without assistance. WOOHOO! P.S. I am in the same boat....need to buy a new pair of walking shoes....I think I will put artificial flowers in my old ones and use them for decoration! LOL! Thanks for sharing!

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Conversation with Doctor T

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Today I was able to speak with my orthopedic doctor in LA. He is the one that operated on my foot last year and very trust worthy. I will go back to see him in a couple of weeks when I go back over there. Dr. T said is this a doctor that knows you I said no not really it has been three years since I have seen a doctor in Mississippi. He said well you should have told him that is the most idiotic thing I have heard. He said you are one of the successes you said you were going to lose weight and you are making huge strides in that journey, He said if your stomach was going to cause that kind of problem with your leg it would have happened last year after surgery when you couldnt move. He agrees that it sounds like the quad muscles themselves not the nerve. He suggested continuing the ice and said to stay off the pavement walking and absolutely no sand on the beach. Ideally treadmill walking or like most said water walking. Dr. T said in a very serious moment you have come to far to turn and run for the hills. what you are feeling is your body telling that you have to breath every now and then. He said the thinnest people in the world get muscle pulls, tears, strains. He said you remember what I told you " i am there till the end and if that means that now I help with helping you reach the person you wont to be well I dont retire for another 20 years or so". He said i saw you when you gained the extra weight and i have been there as you lost that weight the other doctor just sees a obese person he doesnt see you as an individual and then lol he said " the first time I met you, you walked and i looked at you and you told me alright I am fat however I cant be anything as long as i am in pain" He said the next time you see that doctor tell him the same thing with the same tone and if it doesnt like it then find another doctor, because you are to good to be his patient.

So this afternoon I went to the local fitness center I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. Then I took a splashdance class, if you havent taken one of these it is like Zumba in the pool and omg it was so much fun. it was 60 minutes in the pool and wow it was awesome. After that I got in the hot tub for 20 minutes and that was beyond words. No massage though lol Dr T said you wont enjoy that because you are so sensitive , he said let us figure out all this and then get one so they are not trying to kill you lol.

All in all I feel much better and thanks to the hot tub my quad feels like 110 % better this evening. To everyone that offered up your support and heartfelt messages to my blog last night you are all right it is worth it. I know that but sometimes there are moments when the battle seems bigger than me. However I can say that I am not stopping ( slowing a little maybe) if for no other reason than so no doctor can ever rush through me and say lose weight that will fix everything. Thank you everyone for your continued support, I wish i could say that it will never happen again but I will need it again I am sure.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATYDID412 7/14/2012 7:54PM

    Your doctor sounds like he's one to hang on to. So glad you're in a better frame of mind!

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SEXBOBOMB 7/14/2012 7:46PM

    emoticonSo glad you got the medical advice you needed!

Take care!

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GMO_JEN 7/14/2012 3:11PM

    Sounds like you have a good doctor. I have never heard of water zumba-that sounds amazing and fun! Keep up the good work :)

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OREOSMILE 7/14/2012 3:01PM

    Now that sounds like a good doctor!

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JCDROLSHAGEN 7/14/2012 2:11PM

    Good that you have a great orthopedist!! And he is right, if the other doctor cannot see you as a person then he does not deserve to treat you. Glad that you are coming along. Have a great weekend!

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KBRADFORD88 7/12/2012 10:55PM

    You have found the best Dr. ever. Listen to every word he says! Yeaaaah emoticon

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THINNYGINNY 7/12/2012 8:24PM

    Yay! Glad you feel better and glad you have a doctor who really KNOWS you and is thoughtful and smart....

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DANILYNNG 7/12/2012 11:43AM

    Very happy that you are feeling better! We are here for you through good and bad, so don't worry, just emoticon

Remember, don't get lost in the "big picture". Set yourself smaller goals and milestones, and it won't be so intimidating. Plus, the boost you get when you reach them propels you 1/2 the way to the next goal emoticon

BTW, the splashdance class sounds FABULOUS!!

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ITSTHENEWLAUREN 7/12/2012 11:26AM

  emoticon emoticon I am so glad you spoke to that other doctor. Sounds like he is really on your side. That's awesome! I agree with him you have come way too far to quit now. emoticon Keep up the good work even if you have to adjust your pace you are still moving forward!

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JULIAOAK 7/12/2012 11:11AM

    great to hear things are a bit better today!! emoticon

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ADARKARA 7/12/2012 8:19AM

    There is nothing better than a good doctor, and you have one! If the guy who gave you that idiotic diagnosis doesn't listen when you go back, go to someone else. It might take a while to find someone who listens, but it's worth it.

I have the best doctor, but I'm scared he's going to retire soon and I'm not going to be able to find someone I like as much as him.

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BECKYI39 7/12/2012 7:42AM

    So glad to hear that you got some encouragement from a Doctor that truly cares about you. Also that Splashdance class does sound like fun. It sounds like something that will be doable for you as you work towards get the answers you need.
I am so happy for you. emoticon

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ELLEJAY7 7/12/2012 7:23AM

    It's so frustrating. Everyone, even doctors sees the FAT LADY first! I'm so glad you found a good doctor.

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JENNNY135 7/12/2012 12:07AM

    So glad you spoke to a dr that knows you. Keep fighting the fight, it will make you stronger. Muscles will repair themselves, so keep you head up high and continue with your weight loss and exercise regime.

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SHRINK_U 7/11/2012 11:16PM

    It can be so frustrating when the medical professionals just tell us to lose weight to fix all of our problems. Well what are we suppose to do in the mean time? I am glad you have a doctor who is listening to you and helping you. Yay!!

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Is it worth it ?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I lay here in my bed wondering is it worth all this. I started this process to get healthy and have less pain. I am so very careful to listen to my body but i think it needs a megaphone to get through the fat because I rarely know if something hurts till it is to late. My body hurts not little aches it hurts. Last week I had to go to the doctor with a sweat gland under my arm. It was infected and had ruptured. While there I talked to him about the numbness in my right thigh. And of course no test no nothing it is the fat from my stomach laying on my leg doing something to a nerve. You know it would really be nice to go to the doctor and everything not being linked to my weight. That was on Thursday of last week little did i know that it could get worst . Saturday during my walk the right leg began to hurt to which it has continued to do since. we are pretty sure it is a quad muscle that is damaged at this point but wont know for sure until i get in to see my doctor cant do that for another 2 weeks it is visitation time with the grandsons till then. This is the same leg that is attached to the foot from hell. moving on to the left knee not sure what is going on with it . It has hurt since the 5k last year most days it is bearable just now it is picking up slack for the right side and well it doesnt like that and doesnt mind telling me so. Have i waited to long to lose the weight ? Is there enough left to go on ? I really wish I could say hell yes but right now I am not so sure right now. I know in a few hours I will wake up cautiously crawl out and start another day. I know before i start that day I will make a long 5 ft walk to my bathroom and look myself in the mirror and tell myself it will be alright and I can do this day. But right now at the end of one of those days sitting with three frozen clay packs on the hurting parts hoping to get the relief i so despertly fighting for tomorrow seems so far away. I will live to fight again tomorrow but for right now I will cry like a girl.

Earlier i was looking trying to find some spark and i came across this and it is as it close to how I feel about my weight loss process

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELLEJAY7 7/14/2012 10:12AM

    Tink, you are one of the most inspiring Sparklers! I hate it that you are having a Down Day. Please go back and read some of your very own blogs! You are a strong, inspiring, motivated woman. Do not give up! We need you. emoticon

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BABIESTEPS 7/12/2012 11:38AM

    Tink, We all have down days--You WIL get through this! You may have to take it a bit slower, but don't give up!! It's going to take lots of time, but baby steps will get you there! Small changes will add up over time. You're already making good progress. Have you thought about massage therapy or possibly a chiropractor? Maybe you could find out about water aerobics in you area? Just don't give up on yourself! We're all here for you, to help in anyway we can!!
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HFAYE81 7/12/2012 11:25AM

    You're efforts will pay off! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Everything worth having is worth working for, you can do it!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/12/2012 11:25:39 AM

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XPHOENIX 7/11/2012 11:27PM

    Aww babe :( I hate to see you so down.. but you know, today I cried three times. Definitely NOT like me, right?? I find that so many things are connected and yes, many relate to our weight and health in general. I went to a primary care doctor (I hadn't had one before.. not since I was a grown up).. and this or that would be going on and it annoys me big time. Today, I was told that Tuesday I will be having a colonoscopy. Something is wrong, but they aren't sure what it is. I'm freaked out and feeling a little defeated. I can lose 80 pounds, be active and happy and feel amazing.. and my insides are still.. injured and failing me. :( Why fight if I am just going to fall apart anyway? I fight because I LOVE how I feel when I do. I fight because of the good things that come of it. It annoys me that other things are falling apart, but.. the feeling I get when I am taking care of myself is worth it.. and I am, too. I hope you don't give up. I'm here if you need me.. ok? XOXOXO

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JENNNY135 7/11/2012 4:04PM

    Ditto with what everyone has been saying. Not only will you lose weight but you'll be strengthening your joins and muscles. Your body was meant to move and it will get better.

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KBRADFORD88 7/11/2012 3:34PM

    Looks like someone beat me to it-join a pool. One that has indoor workouts. It is worth whatever it costs. I did water workouts with 2 of my pregnancies and it made all the difference in my back( a sore spot). We know how it feels to feel lost. But all who wander are not lost. emoticon

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DRKEYEZ820 7/11/2012 2:40PM

    emoticon
Weight unfortunately is one of the things that DOES cause us pain. Ive had serve back pain since my sophmore yr in hs, i am now almost 29. I feel so old, because i can barely stand at times. I have scoliosis in my back, and because of the weight its more pressure and affects my lower back. When i lost the weight the 1st time, i still felt pain, but it wasnt AS bad.
My mom has fibromyalgia and she just lost 57 lbs..... she can move around alot more without being in as MUCH pain as she was before with all the weight.

Weight regardless of what one dr said or another dr said etc, will always have a way of getting to your joints and your muscles, it might not be the main cause of an injury but it can always make an injury worse.

Your a fighter, and your strong, hang in there (not that i need to say that because i know u will) and do what your body ALLOWS u to do. Lift hand weights sitting down, walk for 10 min in place then sit. Etc. Anything ur body will allow u to without pain :)

If u feel like u need to seek out another opinion then do so. Tell them your aware of weight being an issue, but what else COULD cause the pain. Even if u dont trust what they have to say, u can start narrowing down things that it could be.

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DANILYNNG 7/11/2012 2:21PM

    Oh, sweetie, my heart is breaking for you right now! emoticon

You already know that the answer is Yes, it is worth it, so I'm skipping that part and going straight to the pain part. Please, don't put off the doctor for 2 weeks! Surely your grandsons can deal with a visit to the dr's office for a little bit? I just fear that you may push something too far while waiting!

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THINNYGINNY 7/11/2012 1:40PM

    Sorry you are in pain right now....but I think you know it is worth it to be healthy and free - imagine the lessening of pain as you gradually lose weight and become more fit...

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/11/2012 12:12PM

    It IS worth it! Think about where you were before, think about where you are now! Check out INDYGIRL's profile/blog/story. She's lost 1/2 of her body weight!

I 100% agree with seeing a different doctor. Also, CityZozo had a great idea on workout out in the water, it's REALLY good for your joints to work out in the water. Sometimes even if you're not a member of a gym that does water workouts your City will have them at the City pool or you can make a deal with a gym to just go in and do the water workouts at a reduced price.

I actually watched some of the water workouts at my new gym yesterday and they were all having so much fun!

Good luck, you can do it!

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SEXBOBOMB 7/11/2012 9:43AM

    "The proof is with the DMV"

It *is* worth it - you know how far you've come.

The pain is a different story. I'm late to the story of your "foot from hell", but I'm worried that your quad problems are on the same leg -- could they be the result of your doc's lack of treatment/mistreatment of your foot?

Clearly, you need to see another doctor, perhaps one who is more friendly to overweight patients. You can research doctors online now, and if you are a member of Angie's List, they've started a medical section where patients rank the doctors and speak out about bedside manner, treatment and care. Whoever you choose, don't be afraid to ask the appointment nurse about the doc and his attitude towards bigger clients who are working on weight loss.

So, chin up (now that you have photographic evidence of your chin, hee!) -- and take control of what's going on with your body! Taking the lead in your own medical care is absolutely part of healthy living, just as much as eating right and exercising are!

Good luck -- and let us know what happens!
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KATYDID412 7/11/2012 9:27AM

    I agree about getting a second opinion. It sure can't hurt, and it might help.

Hang in there!

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JCDROLSHAGEN 7/11/2012 9:25AM

    I agree with the others that a second opinion is in order. Yeah, a lot of things can be linked to weight but to automatically to state that that is your problem just does not seem right.
About the journey, it is worth it! I have joint problems (arthritic knees, artificial hips) and the weight loss has helped mobility and pain in those joints to lessen. Maybe the postmenopausal problems would not have happened if I had kept off weight...who knows but I am continuing with my program because maybe it will prevent something else.
Let do this together!! emoticon

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OREOSMILE 7/11/2012 8:02AM

    I can so empathize with you and your cold packs! With my hamstring troubles a couple of years ago, I remember having research meetings with my students sitting at my desk with an icepack under my leg or on the cold concrete floor with my leg stretched out. Follow RICE - rest, ice, compression (try wrapping it!), and elevation.

Please don't wait for 2 weeks before going for that second opinion - if necessary, bring the kiddos with you. Your health has to be a priority - even if they are bored to "death" for an hour, they will survive! Maybe some physiotherapy would help?

I hope you feel better soon Darlene - even if your activity is limited for a little while, you can keep eating on plan. And look for alternatives that will help you workout without further injuring yourself. I love the water work out suggestion - maybe take the grand kids to a pool and stay cool and get some non-weight bearing activity in at the same time? Or look into some of the chair workouts?

Also, have you been incorporating stretching following working out? Might be time to do that - I know that when I was having hamstring issues a couple of years ago, learning how to properly stretch them helped keep the problems at bay once things had healed.
http://www.sparkpeople.c
om/resource/fitness_articles.as
p?id=1565

You can do this!

emoticon within your limits!!

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FLABBALICIOUS 7/11/2012 8:00AM

    Always get a second opinion. Some physicians have a one track mind, and see you as overweight and atributes all aliments to that. It's not true. Find someone else to see what you can do. You can do this and you will do this. If it takes writing notes throughout the house telling yourself YOU CAN DO THIS, then so be it. Don't give up on yourself, it is never to late.

Please check out this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
lxb5IkLeW5k&feature=related
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COOKIE_AT_51 7/11/2012 7:14AM

    Hang in there ! emoticon emoticon

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BECKYI39 7/11/2012 7:05AM

    I hope you can get some answers. Maybe you can get a second opinion. Sounds like the first doctor just wants to chalk things up to your weight. I wish you could see my doctor or even his assistant they really listen and take the time to rule things out. Hang in there!


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CITYZOZO 7/11/2012 5:24AM

    can you get a second opinion from another dr? how about trying to work out in the water where you are weightless? zo

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SHRINK_U 7/11/2012 4:46AM

    I am so sorry you are dealing with pain. emoticon

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JULIAOAK 7/11/2012 3:19AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ASHLEIGH_BRIANA 7/11/2012 2:43AM

    "How to hit home runs: I swing as hard as I can, and I try to swing right through the ball...The harder you grip the bat, the more you can swing it through the ball, and the farther the ball will go. I swing big, with everything I've got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can." -Babe Ruth

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the proof is with the DMV

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

So I am bored tonight and thought I would share my trip to get my new Drivers license . Mine were expired. So off i go to the dreaded DMV because well you know they want to take a picture lol . I get to the window and the lady says she needs my old license.

I hand them to her ... here is the picture off that picture ... it was taken in 2008

You can tell I hate taking that picture lol

she said you dont even look like the same person... i smiled said thank you and then we discussed what i have been doing to lose weight. She even wrote down the Sparkpeople website and my username for here so hopefully she comes and looks all of us.

So she takes a new picture and i wait for my new license. I pick them up and I go out to my car and look at them and compare.

I had to get a La ID card. that was in 2010 ... here is that picture and well you can tell i am not impressed again lol I had gotten off work and then had to wait for over two hours to get this picture done ..


Now I will share the picture from today .... Hang on it might shock you lol



Look mom I have a neck again lmao ...

Have a great evening everyone ....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JCDROLSHAGEN 7/11/2012 9:27AM

    I had that experience last week!! I was at the photo section of the DMV and the person there looked at my old photo and told me that "You look great." Then she turned to her coworker next to her and said "Doesn't she look great?"
Of course I had just gotten a new haircut and color so I look very different!

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COOKIE_AT_51 7/8/2012 7:49AM

    That is great ... looking good! One time I saw a weight loss goal somewhere that said, " my goal is to actually weigh what my driver's license states" ... LOL, me too! emoticon

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THINNYGINNY 7/7/2012 9:07PM

    Wow - what a difference! And YOU did it - not surgery or pills - just hard work and perseverance!!! Just think how good you'll feel when you pull out your license now!

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XPHOENIX 7/7/2012 2:09PM

    I'm going to have to do this soon, too. I am leaving the country in a few months and they don't think my current ID is going to be easy to use because my face has changed so much. SO cool! LOL YAY! XO

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KBRADFORD88 7/7/2012 8:39AM

    I know its crazy but I wear bright lipstick. I want my license to be smoking. Hey it's only from the neck up!

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PHOXYM 7/5/2012 5:20PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

such a amazing difference!!!!

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MOMMA-MOOSE 7/5/2012 12:59PM

    Not to mention you even look younger too! Way to go!

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JULIAOAK 7/5/2012 11:38AM

    thats brilliant!! emoticon

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WILDBEANERZ 7/5/2012 10:41AM

    What a difference! And look at that tan you have going on too!! emoticon

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CORYGIRL42 7/4/2012 11:15PM

    Mine expires in October!! Can't wait to see my progress!! Thanks for the inspiration!!

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SHRINK_U 7/4/2012 10:06PM

    What great progress! So happy for you!!!

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ITSTHENEWLAUREN 7/4/2012 11:31AM

  Wow! It's great to see your hard work paying off! emoticon

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JENNNY135 7/4/2012 11:01AM

    Very nice and congrats.

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SIMPLY-VICKI 7/4/2012 9:38AM

  emoticon emoticon

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UNICORN212 7/3/2012 11:00PM

    Looking great! I hate our DMV too. If they want good photos, they should make it a more pleasant experience!

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DANILYNNG 7/3/2012 10:56PM

    Wow! Finally, a valid use for the DMV! emoticon

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CHEROKEE1946 7/3/2012 10:03PM

    Good picture. I hate all my pictures that they take of me.

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OREOSMILE 7/3/2012 9:58PM

    Sweet! I see confidence in your eyes. You are doing wonderfully

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RMARSH07 7/3/2012 9:55PM

  It really does tell a story of your dedication to a healthier life. Congratulations, I hope I do as well.

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RMARSH07 7/3/2012 9:52PM

  It really does tell a story of your dedication to a healthier life. Congratulations, I hope I do as well.

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When the mind stops

Tuesday, July 03, 2012



This graph says a mouthful to me about my weight loss. A year ago I started the process of changing my life. I had to crawl before I could walk. There at that time no spark people no daily dose of reading of everyone's success and failures Just me. I set forth a program that I personally designed that kicked my tail and yea it was tough. But it worked and the weight started coming off. Slowly mind you but my mind set as long as I didnt gain I was good. every loss was celebrated and every maintained was just as awesome to me there was no gain. I am very happy to say after 52 weeks I only had gains during the past holiday season when I choose not to any program. I read everything I could i emerged myself in knowledge.
The original plan was so very simple it was crazy. I got my calories to 1200 and I worked out every day of the week. Understand that in the begining it was after a crippling stint on my couch. I had to build muscle mass back before I could anything. I was determined to loose weight all at cost. I woke up every morning and I told my self two things in the mirror ... 1. I love you but this is going to hurt today and 2. we are only shooting for -.1 pound ... that is all just one tenth on a pound.
Then I found this wonderful place called Spark people. It was like finding the ultimate candy store. The people are going through the same things as I am, the resources are amazing and tracking is so much simpler and oh yea it is free so it works well in any budget. i set a goal and missed it reset it and missed it ... In May i made a list of things I needed to do goals to meet every day and I pushed hard, the mindset was to get to the almighty 299 before my birthday and by god wills I did that... then I felt like i could conquer the world.

It happened on June 16, I woke up at 2 am scared out of my mind. What if I gained the weight back? What if i ate to much/ What if I didnt eat enough? My mind was caving in around me! I will walk it off so i am up walking in my drive way at 2 am dont give in to the fear. One hour of walking and nothing had changed I am scared I am going to fail I am going to let everyone down I have always failed.. Read Tink So inside I am reading on spark people I really wish this was the moment that someone said something profound and it all made sense to me but not going to happen. I stopped reading the goal list and I determined that I needed to change my core program... I was so scared of being over 300 pounds that I weighed every night oh god 301 then in the morning 299 I have been doing this for weeks now. I have not gained a pound or lost a pound I am holding every morning at 299 WT* ( sorry yea i know it is ugly but it is honest) Frustration set in and then my mind went to not eating enough so try to get the calories up not working out enough so join a 5k challenge work work work .... Night sweats and night mares of me being out of control at a buffet ( mind you never have been)


Welcome to my mind ... the stop sign is up and I am now residing safely in the cross walk. The fact of the matter is I didnt get fat because I ate to much or didnt work hard enough. The fact is that I have never eaten a lot of food I made bad choices of the food that I did eat. Fact is I have always been active Just never structured in a routine geared to fitness. Fact is I am scared to death of failing because i am surrounded by people who have succeeded. I read blogs and post and I forget that everyone had to start where I started, one step,one bite , and one fear at a time. I have lost 67 pounds to date and that is nothing to sneeze at. I have a long way to go but I will get there however I have to do it the way that is right for me.

I am going back to my program that works for me. I am leaving all the fear, new calorie needs and everything else that I have decided I must do in order not to weigh 300 pounds again here with this blog. I dont think i will ever eat 1500 calories in a day and that is fine with me. I already walk 2 miles and love the challenge of the 5k and I will get there because I want to and I always do what i want to do.

If you take the time to read this blog I am not leaving Spark people I love it here but if you are just starting out on a journey of your own remember we all have right where you are and dont gauge yourself by the rest of us we are just struggling just like you.


My mind set forth a stop sign that I am hoping to reassure it that we are back to only looking for a loss of .1 again .... Here we go back to square one again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINK_U 7/3/2012 4:43PM

    I can totally understand those fears, Tink. I have failed so many times. You have lost 67 pounds!!!!!!!!! You are doing fantastic :) emoticon

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ITSTHENEWLAUREN 7/3/2012 12:56PM

  Great blog! Writing this must have been very cathartic. I think that weight loss/management is a very personal thing. What works for one person won't work for another and there is no one size fits all plan. You need to find what works for you in your life and what is sustainable. For the record the scale and I are not friends....the # on the scale has way too much power over me and it's a big mind game. Anyways this is about you not me and I applaud you...you can do it! emoticon emoticon

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JENNNY135 7/3/2012 11:43AM

    You know what works for you.

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SIMPLY-VICKI 7/3/2012 11:40AM

  Good blog. I know the fear of not getting this weight back off so I try different things in the hopes that something will work for me. Hang in there. You're doing great! emoticon

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4ANEWME2DAY 7/3/2012 11:03AM

    emoticonblog!! Square one is getting crowded. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OREOSMILE 7/3/2012 11:01AM

    I don't panic about not being able to lose weight, because I'm great at that when I put my mind to it. And after discovering about 10 years ago that I had a soy intolerance, I can even predict bounces on the scale according to my soy consumption and the subsequent water retention.

But I don't think that I truly believe that I will ever be able to get down to goal weight and maintain. That I'm not so good at. I've been working really hard at coming at this from a mindset that I'm not depriving myself, but eating and exercising in a manner that I can envision committing to for the rest of my life. And, for me, that means having a calorie budget big enough to accommodate a nice slab of prime rib on a holiday!

We each need to figure out what works best for us, for our lifestyles, for our metabolisms, for our current head space. I love that you are able to reflect on the mental processes at play as well as the physical ones. That's the stuff that will get you to the end.

emoticon

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OREOSMILE 7/3/2012 11:01AM

    I don't panic about not being able to lose weight, because I'm great at that when I put my mind to it. And after discovering about 10 years ago that I had a soy intolerance, I can even predict bounces on the scale according to my soy consumption and the subsequent water retention.

But I don't think that I truly believe that I will ever be able to get down to goal weight and maintain. That I'm not so good at. I've been working really hard at coming at this from a mindset that I'm not depriving myself, but eating and exercising in a manner that I can envision committing to for the rest of my life. And, for me, that means having a calorie budget big enough to accommodate a nice slab of prime rib on a holiday!

We each need to figure out what works best for us, for our lifestyles, for our metabolisms, for our current head space. I love that you are able to reflect on the mental processes at play as well as the physical ones. That's the stuff that will get you to the end.

emoticon

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