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Making The decision !!!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

After several days of debating and practice runs in the three events of running spinning and swimming. I can complete the given task in about 50 minutes with a moderate pain level to my feet which is nothing out of the normal. So what does this mean.

This means on September 27th I will be competing In the Tryathlon at the gym. It took so long to decide because like everything else I was scared of failing. And you know what I might fail that day however if I dont try right now then i will have already failed. For almost three years I have grown and learned and pushed past some unbelievable limits and here I stand at the cross roads of challenge and see how far I have come or dont and just keep on the same path.

I am scared but I was scared that day I decided to change my weight. So, I am going to give it a go. For the next two weeks I will add to my program and prepare for the event and do the best I can. But either way it goes I am already a winner because this time three years ago I couldnt even try.

I will keep you all posted on how the process is going.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSANSLIFE 9/15/2014 4:52PM

    This is so exciting! You're right at the starting gate after 3 years of peparations -- congratulations! Fear stops most of us from doing so many things, and that is the way we fail ourselves, our inner soul. Doing your best is always a winning decision.
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BERGBA7 9/15/2014 3:51PM

    Oh super duper! Go for it - it will be a lot of fun to participate!
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KANOE10 9/15/2014 6:16AM

    That is very exciting to do a triathalon. I think it is great that you believe in yourself and in your training. I know you will do well.

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NOWINGS2 9/14/2014 8:59PM

    emoticon

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GOODGETNBETR 9/14/2014 8:49PM

    If you finish what you started you've already succeeded.
Good luck.

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HAZELFRUIT 9/14/2014 7:53PM

    You can do it!
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POPSY190 9/14/2014 6:39PM

    You won't fail, whatever the official result, because you always give of your best.

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MICKEYH 9/14/2014 5:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MOM_TO_AKI 9/14/2014 5:22PM

    emoticon and remember to have fun :-)

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POSITIVEHOPE 9/14/2014 5:03PM

    You won't fail, you will set your own personal best time. I have every faith in you!

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APRILRUSSELL3 9/14/2014 3:14PM

    emoticon emoticon You're already a winner in my book because you are giving it a try!

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WIZKEY 9/14/2014 2:25PM

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Fulfilling Goals

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Every day I am reminded that I am on a time limit to fulfill some goals. It becomes more evident every day that where my feet are concerned I am literally running out of time. I am focused on obtaining some goals before drastic steps are taken.

I am at the beginning of the third week of 8-week Rookie running program. The goal is to be able to run a 5K at the end of the training. It is doable and it is obtainable. Every time I have tried to run a 5k i have failed. However, I am committed to obtaining this goal. When I started the training on on 8/27/14 I did 2.17 milies at average pace of 16:27. This morning I completed 2.78 miles at average pace of 14:31. It doesnt seem like a big change but for me I am working on many factors. I know I am strong enough and fit enough however, I have to work on breathing and form. Consistency and balance rank right up there at the top of the list also. i feel good about where I am now in the process and I do believe that by the end of the 8 weeks I will run my first and only 5-K.

I have a running coach of sorts. He is my best friend and believe me when I tell you he is great at running. I am not sure I could do this without his support. Most of you Know I train alone with little support in my home life for the process. So Jon is awesome. He has taught me to calm down and stop looking at what I couldn't do and focus on what I can do right now. He believes in me and well that is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. I know i have the support here on Spark people of lots of people and I would never down play that to anyone. But it is so different to have someone say I am proud of you that knows and understands that what is easy to some is the most difficult things for others.

Here on Sparks I read all the time of different things that people are doing and think to myself wow I really wish I could do that. However I have learned to listen to my limits and there are some things that I know are out of realm Like a triathlon or marathon . I dream of those events and how they are so challenging. So you can imagine the gleem in my eye and thrill that came when my gym announced its first annual TRYATHLON. This is and inside event that consists of 150 yard swim. 10 mile bike ride and 2 mile run or walk. Ironically the only part i am truly concerned with is the swim so I will go try out the lap pool today but I am sure that i can do the swim. So I will be signing up for this event. My trainer at the gym and Jon believe that I can do this . I believe I am strong enough to do it also. Besides this is the closest I will ever come to one of those mega events before mentioned. The event is on September 27, 2014 So I will just add some swimming into my program.

There are some things you can do other things you can not do but you never know the difference if you don't try. Many people ask how do i keep going through all this and to be honest with you it has become just part of who I am. I know the real possibility that I might not be able to walk one day however that day is not today and as long as i can I will strive to set and complete goals and dreams . I sat around in pain for years and gained weight now I choose to move past the pain and live a life worth living to the best of my abilities. All one needs to accomplish this is just patience, commitment and the desire to be more that the scale.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOCALGAL 9/14/2014 9:41AM

    Love that term "Tryathlon"! Bravo for pushing past everything in the past and aspiring to reach new goals. emoticon We at SP and your CT team are all rooting for you! emoticon

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POPSY190 9/11/2014 12:13AM

    What a good idea to enter the Tryathon! Go for it!

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MICKEYH 9/10/2014 7:46PM

    Wishing you a good luck for your 5k training. emoticon emoticon

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WHYNOTJ1 9/10/2014 12:18PM

    150 yards is 3 laps. I bet you can do that. You are so much stronger than I am. Is it timed? If you get tired, can you just flip over on your back to catch your breath?

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just random NSV and stuff

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

So I took a look around my page and realized i have not posted one blog in the month of August that is extreme for me to say the least. This could be for several reasons. There is a lot that has been going on for sure. I have found myself really contemplating my life and where it is and what I think needs to happen to get me to the happiest place for me. The answers have come but I am not prepared to take action on them yet. I believe that I have reached a point in my life where my mind can't accept just being any longer living for others that have taken advantage of that need for them to be happy. I think where some things are concerned in my personal life I have to finally just accept what parents always said " when there is no hope left do nothing ". At any rate lets move on to some better things that all that .

Last week at work this man came in that I hadn't seen I guess about 12 years. I waited on him and when done wished a good day by his name. He wanted to know how i knew his name I said because I have known you for over 10 years . He said young lady you are mistaken I said no i am not it is me Darlene and reminded of the business i use to work at. He stared a minute and he blushed red He said " my god you are half the size you use to be " . I giggled and said " I know it is marvelous." He said really I didnt know who you were at all. I said thank you.

I work hard to be different. There are days when I look like a two year old arguing with myself because I really dont want to do it that day. For me I know that life is about fitness and nutrition. It isnt a chore it is just life . I can do what I need to do or I dont, I will either reap a reward or suffer a consequence. But in the end I know I never want to go back to twice to my size. I really I dont think my body could take that stress again of dealing with all that I deal mentally and suffer physically again.

Yesterday was measurement day for me. Once a month I take them to see where we are at. I lost 3.36 over all inches with the biggest losses in the waist and hips. Need to work on the thighs more.

Today I guess i had a very important non scale victory . I have been trying to work on some jog walk intervals. Today for the first time in over 20 years I ran not jogged. I didnt run far but it was awesome to feel the pavement pound under my feet the wind blow through my sweat drenched hair to feel my heart beat in my chest . To think some three years ago they said I might not be able to walk at 50 to running no far but who cares I ran. We will see how this will progress along. I would love to run a 5k someday . might be dreaming but I also know that if i wanted it bad enough I will make it happen. Those same people never thought I would loose over a hundred pounds either .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 8/21/2014 8:09AM

    Wonderful post! From what I've learned about you, you will be running that 5 K very soon! (I only recently learned about color runs. I am not a runner, but those sound like they would be awesomely fun!) Hooray for doing things your way!

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GOCALGAL 8/20/2014 11:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Very nspiring! Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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WIZKEY 8/20/2014 10:44PM

    Awesome NSV and how wonderful to have someone "not" recognize you. LOL. As to the home stuff, you will make a decision when you are ready. emoticon

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HAZELFRUIT 8/20/2014 7:07PM

    Great victories, thanks for sharing!


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MICKEYH 8/20/2014 6:13PM

    Way to go Darlene, congrats on your loss of inches! emoticon

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POSITIVEHOPE 8/20/2014 5:41PM

    Life is too short to spend your days living less than your happiest life. You didn't get to your success story by luck but by hard work. Apply the 10 minute a day rule to making yourself happy. What could you do today that would make you happy. I love sunsets and make an effort to see one every day. It's free, dependable and beautiful. Choose something that will brighten your day and enjoy it to the max.

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SUSANSLIFE 8/20/2014 5:40PM

    What an inspiring story! You have come a long way and having someone not recognize you is a wonderful moment for you to savor! You will run a 5K if you want to, and if you change a goal, that's fine, too. you are definitely doing a lot of things right and I say, BRAVO!
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POPSY190 8/20/2014 4:31PM

    Wonderful NSV! Whatever needs to be done in any aspect of life you have developed the strength of mind to do it!

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Mirror Mirror

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all !!! Words we use to play with when we were children before the fear and disdain for the mirror took over. As a morbidly obese person I can tell you spent 20 plus years trying every way in the world not to see myself. It has taken a long time to get to a point where i look in the mirror.

Yesterday at the gym I turned the corner and saw me in a full length mirror and I stopped and just looked at me . No my body is not perfect it has the signs of years of self abuse however, it also has now a couple of years of self love. I stood there looking and thinking what am i suppose to think of you. this is what i came up with.

My body is strong and confident . I no longer have just a round obese tired body I have a core , breast thighs hips a rear. yes I am still obese but I dont see that any longer I see the results of hard work and determination. In the three years i have been doing the life change I have asked my body to do somethings that no it didnt like but it has held up . My mind through injuries illness and depression has not given up and said I can not do this it holds firm to the belief that it is possible to reach my goals no matter how long it takes.

So mirror mirror who is the fairest in the land " well you are Darlene " . It all comes down to what you belief and tell yourself is possible. Your body and the world will only do what you portray to it. You can exercise to death and you can eat all the right foods and drink gallons of water but if you hold to self doubt and self hate then nothing will ever change. There are plenty out that will dislike you and beat you down your body and mind doesnt need you to do also .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 8/15/2014 1:13PM

    Great blog.. you've come a long way lady!

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POPSY190 7/31/2014 1:21AM

    Very true!

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POSITIVEHOPE 7/30/2014 1:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUSANSLIFE 7/30/2014 10:41AM

    Darlene, you are exceptional! Your determination is inspiring and your thoughts are in the perfect place. Go! Go! Go!
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KANOE10 7/30/2014 9:46AM

    That is great advice. We have to learn to love our bodies as we are. I have loose skin and am accepting it. You might enjoy this blog and his comments.


Greggweisbrod has maintained for one year and has offered some great insights in Time Goes By.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/m>ypage_public_journal_indiv

idual.asp?blog_id=5738698

This is a lovely piece of writing, especially the last line. I love perfectly imperfect in the most perfect ways possible.

"The perfect body is an illusion, as even those whom we see and think look perfect are in fact constantly struggling with the same desires to look better. You're already perfect... you just haven't realized it yet. Love yourself today, and keep journeying toward whatever future you fancy - don't waste a second feeling like you're not good enough or not attractive enough. You're already perfectly imperfect in the most perfect ways possible!


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CYALE76 7/30/2014 8:58AM

    emoticon Our mind set is half the battle and you have conquered it. emoticon

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WHYNOTJ1 7/30/2014 8:18AM

    You rock, D. You are a source of inspiration to me with your determination!
Hugs,
j
>(Just an fyi that I'll be away from internet for more than a week, starting this friday.)

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GHOSTFLAMES 7/30/2014 5:28AM

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BMI

Saturday, July 19, 2014

When you start out weighing almost 400 pounds ( hard to say ) you dont think of numbers you just think move more eat less. But I had done that before and this time was going to be the hardest since I was going it alone. Succeed or fail it is all on me. I didnt want to have excuses to fail. I didnt want someone to guilt me into something I didnt want to do what I had always done I wanted to be accountable to me. Self accountability is crucial for me for I am the only person that can handle me. I am also the only person that is not scared of me or imitated enough to lie to me. I dont cut myself slack.

For me there has to be complete honesty candid honesty with myself. I don't subscribe to self talk, believe me if people catch me talking to myself in my present state of mind there is a padded room in my future lol. However, at nearly 400 pounds there was plenty of self thoughts going on. When you set out to do the unthinkable it is the most horrifying feeling. You wake up everyday scared to death that you will fail but you wake up everyday also scared that you will succeed. Loosing massive amounts of weight is a mind game. First you hyped up you lost 50 pounds then at 90 pounds you realize that you are changing stripping away things that you are not sure you can live without. At 100 pounds gone I wanted to crawl up in a corner somewhere and hide.

There is a lot of confidence building that goes alone with what i do. Cause lets just be honest most people couldnt withstand it. It is hard to get up everyday and live a life that you have designed to push you to your limits in hopes of finding what you have never been able to accomplish. It is hard to step on the scale every week and let it tell you a number that is not suppose to matter but it does. It is hard to be up beat and positive everyday to people that dont know you in the hopes of giving them enough to change their life. It is hard once a month taking the measurements and saying job well done when you give all you got then 10 % more to loose 2 inches. But nothing is ever hard as being morbidly obese was. Nothing is ever hard as stepping out of bed wondering if my feet were going to hold my out control body one more day.

So why do this for the sheer pleasure in some numbers. To know what the feeling of true strength is all about. To know that I am smart enough to make the decisions that will inevitably save my life. For the sheer enjoyment of flipping my nose at those people who never thought i could. For moments like this morning.

While doing some cleaning I found I slip from my gym where we checked my BMI on 4/18/14 which was 42.1 . When i started this all most 3 years ago my bmi was 54. Today i calculated it again 39.2. This takes me out of morbidly obesity and i am just obese . That means nothing to some to most but for me it means that my heart is not caring as much as use to. It means that my feet are not caring as much as the use to. It means that I am doing what no one thought i could. It means that I am heading to the right direction even if the scale doesnt always say that. What it should mean to the rest of the world is despite pain, injuries and doubt you can do it. You just have to want it everyday as much as you wanted it the first day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 7/21/2014 2:34PM

    You are an amazing woman, D. Keep up the fight.

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MICKEYH 7/20/2014 12:11AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POPSY190 7/19/2014 3:33PM

    Lasting progress! emoticon

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HAZELFRUIT 7/19/2014 2:39PM

    Congratulations! You are a fierce self-competitor :)

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WIZKEY 7/19/2014 2:08PM

    So proud of you!!! You are my rock star and emoticon

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POSITIVEHOPE 7/19/2014 1:22PM

    Loved this blog. I will be reading and rereading it many times. Yes, this journey is hard. Each and every day it is hard. I loved when you said, "I give it my all each and every day and then I give it 10% more." Nothing is as hard as my life before the journey so at the end of the day. I need to keep reminding myself that today was easier than my life before. That is what really makes this journey worth it.



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SUSANSLIFE 7/19/2014 10:23AM

   
Wow! How far you have come on all different measures! BMI is wonderful, pounds are wonderful, inches are wonderful, yoiur MINDSET is POWERFULLY wonderful! You have come so far, and changing your mindset to this very strong and consistent "I am doing this for ME" is absolutely fabulous! You are definitely inspiring many people, including me!
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KANOE10 7/19/2014 9:00AM

    That is a great accomplishment to move down a category on the BMI. That is something to celebrate. Like you say you are heading in the right direction.
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The scale can be frustrating but eventually all of your efforts will pay off. You are on your way. You are also doing a good job of staying positive and being honest with yourself.




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RAPUNZEL53 7/19/2014 8:19AM

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