I have been up reading for a while now, the product of to much on my mind. I woke exhausted and I am sure that is not going to change during the day either. Since the only place in this house where I want wake anyone is at my desk this is where i am.
So I was reading through blogs and thinking of a conversation I had with someone about drinking. I don't drink for various reasons: first and foremost is my husband is an alcoholic that there zaps all the fun out of the occasional drink. However not far behind that is the calories in alcohol. I dont have the luxury of not worrying about that. So a friend asked me the other day How do i handle these things like drinking or eating out. It is a simple process really .
I am always worrying with money. I want the most for my buck so i do the same with my calorie count. I am suppose to eat 1500 calories a day give or take depending on the fitness for the day. So I start the day off with $ 15 and through the course of the day I deduct off that $ 15 .
2.70 breakfast = 12.3
1.00 snack = 11.30
3.40 lunch = 8.10
and so on ... it is a running tab that i monitor pretty closely not only so I dont go over but because as most of you know I have a hard time eating when I am stressed and i want to exercise more so I really have to make sure that I get in enough calories but also that they are the right kind of calories. I work hard for my real money and my fitness / nutrition money and I dont want to gamble it all away on the pretense that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I want the most of it today. Holidays are the same way. They come and go and there is always a tomorrow to deal with so why feel guilty when you can just do the right program to start with.
I dont know all the right answers I just know that in life the choice is mine and as long as it is mine I will make the best choice that I can .
1776 was the year that America claimed its Independence from all other countries. At the time men fought for our right to be free from tyranny, now men and women fight side by side to ensure that we remain the home of the brave and the land of the free. All those years ago we as a nation drew a line in the sand and said no more. Our country is not perfect ; however, it is still the greatest country in the world and I am very honored and humbled to be able to call myself American.
As a child of a Marine I know what honor is all about. I also know what it is to give your all for an idea, for the belief that you are part of something that is bigger than just yourself. To be an American is a birth right but it is one that is protected on a daily basis. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my country, it is however part of me. That doesnt mean that I agree with everything that is done in America just that I respect the right for all of us to have our own opinions. No matter what the faults of my country are I still believe that I live in the best country in the world.
As we all prepare for tomorrow's celebration of this day, there are those among us that live in fear of our own personal enemies. The enemies that no matter how mighty the American military is they can not battle for us. You know that enemy it is dear aunt Bettie whispering " come on honey you can have a small piece of cake it wont kill you " it is Uncle Sam hovering over the grill slathering on all the rich sauces on the fattest meats he can find all the time laughing while we watch in horror as his big belly moves up and down with each boisterous laugh. It is Grandma Bess who happens to make the best potato salad in town because it is the extra mayo that she puts in it. And dear Grand paw that keeps the beers stocked in the cooler handing them out while telling stories of the good ole days. It is the kids that light up when you hand them an ice cream cone while watching the fire works all the time giggling come on momma or nana eat one with me. No these enemies our Military can not fight for us.
We as life changers as the keepers of our own destiny must hold firm in our resolve and live out the healthiest we can. It is on days like this one when our own lines in the sand will be tested. We will tip toe up to it and look around and see who is watching us. It is the day when I challenge you to let your resolve say no more do what you did yesterday and what you will do tomorrow. Wave your flag proudly and live the program that you know will get you to where you want to be. Do today what will bring you peacefully to your goals not leave you feeling guilty because you crossed those enemy lines into the abyss of bad choices.
I challenge you to be as you always are just be you dont change for the holiday. Live strong Live free Live brave .
So here we are three days before my 44th birthday and I am still not at goal weight still a long way off as a matter of fact. But you know what in the grand scheme of things that doesnt even matte. In the past year I have had injuries, anxiety attacks, depression, stress induced Eczema, Went to a very scary place emotionally; however, I never gave up on me. When faced with each issue I have taken the steps to correct it and move past it. My life isn't perfect but whose is. I have lots of personal and martial problems that I deal with, I promise there are some days when I think to myself just have that ice cream it will make it better but I dont't because it wont make it better in my world. I started seeing a counselor to which that helped somewhat. That act alone gave me the courage to seriously look for employment and although I have now completed my first week and no I wont be a millionaire any time soon I feel much better about me. I feel like I am taking some control back in my life. Life isnt about money it is about self respect something that even though I had some in my life I was lacking in other places of life also.
In the past few months I have gained and lost weight. When you live the emotional roller coaster that I do then things have to be a little different. I weigh myself but I can not nor will I beat myself up for any gain. I know generally why I gained and all I can do is make the corrections and hope for the best. I like me for the most part of course there are areas where I know that I need improvements and I strive for that everyday but sometimes your body just has a mind of its own. When I get in my car and have to move my seat forward that is something special. When my grandsons can reach around me to give me hug then I have done something right. When I slip on my workout clothes and feel empowered the you bet i take that extra look in the mirror. When I go out for my walk and someone whistles then yes i blush but I smile also because I have earned every one of the NSV I get. I have worked past the pain. I have sweated with the tears and i pushed when I know good and well in the past I would have given up. I will get to my goal weight when I find the consistency that is required of life to get there but I will never go back to where I was.
In the past few months a lot of things have happened. I have to tell you that most of it has not been good. I have been mentally strained and emotionally bankrupt. I have been trying to fix me So now I will share something with you.
As most know I started seeing a counselor and i said that was to fix me. However, I have come to realize that there is really nothing wrong with me. I lacked immediate support in my home life so I started seeing him just to have someone tell me I could go forward. I knew all along the steps I needed to take to save me but I really needed someone to reassure me that I was at least normal in my needs wants and fears. In essence I am paying him to hold my hand in an objective way. I need someone to tell me what i already know that I am strong and capable. Why you ask ? well because I did the one thing that no one should ever do ... I gave up my meaning purpose and hope for the ones i love. I trusted that they would guard it and take care of it. that they would keep me safe and cherish it as i do them. However, I now know this was a flawed concept. Choices were made and overtime I became broken. Someone decided that it was better to control and break me down. It was easier to play with my emotions and keep me edge. Well now I am making the choice end that for them.
Tomorrow morning I go do the paper work for a new job. It isnt a fancy job and it is only part time. But it is the first step in taking back my life. In all that they thought they forgot that I will only take so much and i will push back. I am strong stronger than they remember. I need to engage myself into the world. I need to see people the good and bad. I need to remind myself that I dont have to live in fear or with disrespect.
So this week I will start that process. It will not be easy but I promise it will be no harder than what I have already endured. But I will do this just like I have learned to loose the weight with patience and one step at a time.
Freeze time : at 2:30 am Friday morning on June 6, 2014
I wake and stair at the ceiling watching the little lights from the television. I am reasonably calm all things considered. Thursday night I tried and failed again to have the conversation about my unhappiness in my life with my husband who seemed distant and disconnected from the situation, this is no surprise to me. Dealing with him is like playing Hang man, always picking a letter hoping to get to the right answer. And this has been tearing me apart for some time now. I have sought out counseling for myself in hopes of being able to fix me enough that i can make my feelings bearable. I either have to concede to just accept what is wrong in my marriage or I have to leave it. So I try to discuss it with him to no avail. And here i lay wondering what to do on another sleepless night.
Cue the twilight music at 2:50 am June 6, 2014
I hear foot steps through the house it is my son' GF and she is on the phone and you can tell she upset. I ask what is wrong " we are not getting the boys". The boys are my grandsons and they were suppose to arrive at 6 pm on Friday but their mother has them out of state and will not be bringing them. My son arrives home at 3 am and relays to me all that has happened. My husband gets up and goes and gets a bottle of water then returns to our bedroom. I roll my eyes as our son needs us and he absent again. Calm i tell myself. I finally calm my son down and him and his GF go off to bed. 5 am my husband gets up and dresses for work says he is going to get aleve for the tooth that he has been taking antibiotic for almost week for. Nothing extreme nothing that screams emergency out the door and off to work. At 730 am I speak with him on the phone he got the medicine I deduce that he sounds normal doesnt sound in pain he says he is working so no alarm bells sound. At 830 am I have finished my morning chores and fixing to dress to go for a walk when I hear my front door open as i enter the living room he is in the kitchen I ask is something wrong He snaps at me I am having trouble breathing . Ok now we got alarm bells going off this is not good. I dress and we leave for the hospital. 9 am in the emergency room he has to have oral surgery to remove the abscess tooth so we are sent 40 minutes away to the specialist. 1115 am we see specialist he has two abscess teeth. Dr watts says we must return back to the hospital The will be operating at the hospital because the abscess was so bad they are really worried. Noon back on the rode to the hospital. there and checked in into surgery by 130 pm . I sit in the waiting room trying to figure out how this got to this point . How does someone I live in a house with get an abscess so bad we are now in what is emergency surgery. 252pm the doctor comes out and tells me that the surgery is over and how lucky husband is because the problem was that the swelling went inward to the throat instead of outward. It is all surreal. Finally at 315 pm I am able to see him . He is Intensive care unit with a breathing tube . he is restrained to the bed to keep him from pulling out the tube. there are tubes and iv cords everywhere . My heart races how is this possible how did this happen. I truly dont understand ... my anxiety level is spirialing and I dont feel i have a safety net at the moment. Mean while phone calls about my grandsons it has been determined that we really have no idea where she has them at. I have to leave the ICU because you cant stay in there so I drive myself home and try to comprehend what is happening. Physically my feet are killing me my blood pressure has now skyrocketed again I am nauseous and shaking. Mentally I am thinking hold it all together they need me at to be strong .. Emotionally I am devastated. finally friday night about 11 pm I close my eyes for what seemed to be minutes but it was a couple of hours then back up to the ICU there he lays on a bed still a breathing tube I want it gone I cant handle that sight I want to scream but i find that i just smile at everyone. I feel like an idiot because I didnt know that any of this was going on. What does it say that you cant even tell me you are hurting. During Saturday my son still tries to figure out what to do legally to find my grandsons. I am at the hospital I am home the hospital. My feet are killing me and i just want to crawl up in a corner somewhere. When did I eat what did i eat I have eaten I must walk I must workout I cant what I must do is stay calm and just breath ... they get the tube out and he is resting comfortably in ICU why cant he just go to a regular room. Because of a complication in surgery they want him monitored closely so that if the swelling starts again it can be handled immediately. He is laughing and talking and eating every extra noise sends tremors through me I want him out of this room . I want the alarm inside of me to go away. I want to be as calm inside as i am on the outside. He looks normal take out the ivs move him someplace where the alarm is gone. They dont. Still no real word on my grandsons fear is setting up that I will never see them again. God this is turning into a lifetime movie of the week. Someone just stop the roller coaster let me off. Finally at 1030 pm I lay down in my bed ... Ok think we are doing all we can to find the grandsons he is resting comfortably at the hospital .. no real danger he has very competent people taking care of him ... I tell myself to calm you need to sleep a bit. clear the mind meditate till I sleep ... At 147 am my phone rings it says my youngest sons name I think oh god and my races to calm my heart i miss the call and call back ... it is my DIL she says were you sleeping I said yes she said well i thought with all that is going on I didnt think you would be .. i feel guilty now she is right I shouldnt be sleeping but what should i be doing I am so tired ... she then informs at 2 am on Sunday morning with my grandsons missing my husband in ICU that my son told her that he has been thinking of divorce. my heart sinks I try so very hard to talk calm to her to keep it together I feel like i really need oxygen as my heart and lungs dont feel like they are working. I manage to talk to her for about half an hour and then we go quiet as neither of us know what to say and she says I will see you tomorrow. and i hang up my phone and the bottom falls out it is not a polite little cry it is earth shattering screams from the pit of my hell . I want all this to end my oldest son bless his heart holds my hands covers me with a blanket begs me to please calm down brings me a coke and promises me the world if i will just calm down. for the next hour i fight to breath through all this insanity that everyone says is just life and I will get through it . 4 am a text to my phone from my husband he is hungry so i dress and go get him Hardees ... I am emotionally physical and mentally beat I dont have much more to give.
At 10 am they release my husband from the hospital ... just as quickly as it all started life is normal again. He didnt go to another room he goes home. He is laughing and talking ... he folds some laundry because he says I look tired. I roll my eyes a friend of mine says i should be grateful at least he noticed ... I dont feel grateful I feel lost and pissed ... There is still no further word from my grandsons My DIL and grand daughter got here and stayed the night and are heading back to Texas later today. The world is now on its axis again for everyone but me I still dont understand all that has gone on or how I this perfectly normal minded able to articulate my feelings and thoughts have ended up in this lifetime movie of the week. I have eaten on the fly all weekend I have averaged about 3 hours sleep a night sense last Tuesday ... I did now fitness over the weekend however I didnt stop all weekend either. And here we are on Monday morning and I am suppose to think of tracking tasking and fitness. Life is normal again so why dont i feel that normal. I feel like I am just waiting for the next thing to happen I feel like i need a padded room somewhere where i can beat the walls and drool instead doing laundry and figuring out what is for dinner.
I dont think I did any binge eating through this arnt we suppose to worry about that. I dont think I missed meals but i wont swear to that one arnt we suppose to worry about that . I dont think I used my time properly i could have walked the track at the hospital or even walked at home I could have done stationary exercises at home or in the waiting room but I didnt arent we suppose to worry about that . In the end Life took over and I couldnt do any of that I couldnt worry with it . Should I be worried about that ? To be honest as i sit here and take stock I think all things in consideration I did alright I am shaken and I am even a little broken but I will regroup and walk today sense well now it is Monday and the lifetime movie of the week seems to be running the credits now . Funny it might be all done but it still feels like i am going through it. This blog like all the rest is just to clear my head to document to breath through what everyone calls life. it is alright go ahead and shake your head it really is surreal.