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Jan 14-- Trying to push my way through

Monday, January 14, 2013

I'm still reeling from last night, not because the tablet is history and Eric is upset, but because I let myself raise my voice to my children over something so stupid. It's like I set there with words pouring out of my mouth, the whole time thinking 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF????" I feel so ineffective as a parent, wife, daughter, or friend. It's as if the only person I'm really good at taking care of is me, and the only reason I'm good at that is because I have incredibly low expectations and standards.
Despite my "blues" I have to push and get some things done today. I need to get some work done on the church cookbook -- at least 20 recipes keyed today. I have to get my car in the shop, although it's a little out of my hands right now because I'm waiting to hear from the mechanic that he can get the car in. My niece has moved her wedding up (once again) and I'd like to do something to help her get ready for this weekend, and my mom insists on a bridal shower Saturday so I'll have to get some planning done toward that end.
I did eat a decent breakfast this a.m. (any breakfast is a plus) and I've already drank 1/2 of my daily water requirement. I rented a workout video to do today so need to get on that in the next couple of hours. I want to do some reading as well, just to take some time for myself and lose my mind in positive stories that touch my soul.
I suppose if I'm to accomplish anything, I need to start with getting up from my laptop. I hope everyone is had a brighter weekend than I did 'cause right now I'm looking back into a very dark hole. It's not the way I like to spend my life but it's where I am right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALEXSGIRL1 1/14/2013 6:36PM

    we all lose it and yell at our children it is natural and part of life just as life are full of up and downs in a few days you will be up again let teh past go look to the future live in the present and breathe

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SPARKLINGHOPE 1/14/2013 11:40AM

    emoticon I think all wives and moms have overwhelming moments and wish we were perfect but none of us are :) Best wishes!!

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Jan 13 -- I hate myself

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I feel like the crappiest mom that ever existed. I don't know if I'm more mad at myself for letting things get to this point of technology addiction with all of us, or because I lose my cool when something stupid happens and I can't make it better. Eric broke his Android tablet. I'm sure he didn't mean to; he loves that more than any other gift he's ever received. I hate that Mom spent that much money for him to use it for 17 days. I don't want him not to have it; I know it brings him joy. Worst of all, I have to think it wouldn't have happened if we had been watching him but as usual we were doing our own thing and no one was paying attention. He kept looking at me saying "I'm sorry Mommy. Fix it please". He has such faith in me and I can't make it better. William feels guilty because his brother did something wrong as if he could have changed anything. It's easy for me to say William is blameless yet I feel so at fault myself. I'm the momma. I'm suppose to make it all better.
I know it's stupid to be this upset over a dumb materialistic item but he asks for so little. I want to make him happy but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. I feel like crap. I hate myself. I would go to bed and ignore the world but Pat went to sleep and I don't feel like dealing with him. Must be nice to go to bed and not even think about it.
My family deserves so much more than me. They could do much better. I try, I really do, but I feel like an overwhelming failure. I give up. I just wish I didn't care.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALEXSGIRL1 1/14/2013 6:33PM

    bad things happen in life that is a fact. and you cant fx everything or be reponsible for everything. my daughter bought her own computer than smashed it three weeks later when she dropped her phone on it. thank God she got insurance or protection for it. see if your mom bought extra insurance or if there is a warrenty. I wish you luck. emoticon

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NEWMEN2013 1/13/2013 11:00PM

    MTJLOU --
Thank you for your caring response. Actually my sons are both teens -- 16 and 18. Both are developmentally disabled (autistic) to varying degrees. It is my youngest who is more profoundly affected by his disability that is without his best-ever birthday present :(
I know that they need to know that things break in life, but he does without so many things in life that I hate him being without this one thing that means so much to him.
I also think my mom will be irritated because she spent so much money for a gift that he enjoyed for such a short time. I guarantee that it will be my fault because I wasn't watching closely enough.

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MTJLOU 1/13/2013 10:36PM

    emoticon You are not a failure. I am sure that your kids think that you are the best mommie in the whole world. And wouldn't know what to do without you. I don't know how old you kid is, but they really need to know that things break in life and alot of things happen in life that mommie is not able to fix. So you should explain to them that it is a must for them to be careful with their expensive items that mommie trusts he is going to take care of. But at the same sense as well, you should also weigh the benefits and the risks of buying such expensive items for your kids. If they are really young you should wait until they get in the teen or preteen years before you buy things like that. But don't be so hard on yourself, things are going to happen and you are not going to be always able to fix them, so you shouldn't feel like a failure when that happens. emoticon

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UMBILICAL 1/13/2013 9:38PM

  What would happen if you gave up? Think about it?

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Jan 12 -- Started off rough but the day is getting better :)

Saturday, January 12, 2013

When the alarm went off at 4:30am, I was not happy! I had stayed up past midnight and my body does not function well on 4 1/2 hrs sleep! Unfortunately, there wasn't really away around getting up. My oldest had to be in Shelbyville at 6:00am and I still had to press his dress clothes for competition.
My hubby gave me a soothing massage to get me motivated and it felt FABULOUS, although I admit it almost made me want to stay in bed even more! I thought about asking him to drop William off since he is used to being out and about at such ridiculous hours (he has to be at work at 4 am) but I felt a little guilty since he was up even later than I was and he had provided me with such a nice wake-up.
We got up and made sure everything was ready, had breakfast, then ran into town and actually got there about 10 minutes early. After I dropped him off, I had to gas up my car so I stopped at the Circle K/Subway and picked up a little extra breakfast too (Honeynut Cheerios just isn't enough to hold me!). I'm very proud to say that I resisted the urge to pick up a fountain coke even though they were only 79 cents and I could have used the caffeine since my butt was totally dragging from so little sleep!
Back home by 6:30a, I immediately headed back to bed. I am thankful for the extra 3 hours sleep I was able to get, but it just doesn't feel the same when you get two short sleeps instead of one long one!
Now, with a little more rest under my belt, I've already done two video workouts (22 minutes total) and will do some treadmill time after lunch. I'm considering whole wheat pasta and meat sauce with a side of green beans and a slice of garlic bread. YUM!!!
Hope everyone is having a blessed weekend! Take care and emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALEXSGIRL1 1/12/2013 9:02PM

    you did good today i am up every day at 4 to work tomorrow i plan to sleep in if the cat lets me i have metal blinds and he like to play in them when the birds wake at 4am enjoy your sunday

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Jan 11 -- What a day, what a day

Friday, January 11, 2013

Sometimes you just feel like you've done everything wrong. Today is one of those days.
I wasted most of my day messing around on the computer, not being productive on it mind you, just goofing around on Facebook and such. I didn't get much done around the house even though the weather was actuallly nice enough for me to have done quite a bit. I ate horribly and didn't track most of what I did eat. I skipped my workout all together.
Now, on top of everything else, it's 11:30p and I'm sitting here instead of sleeping soundly even though I know full well that I have to be up around 4:30 or 5am to get my son motivated for his BPA Competition in Haggerstown tomorrow.
On a bright note (and this has nothing to do with anything I personally did right, but it actually does make me happy), me niece called and is moving her wedding day up to the end of this month. Her fiance has a sister in the Peace Corp and she will be going out of the country as of 2/01 so they decided to do it while she is home. WOW! We've got 2 weeks to finish putting together her wedding! Fortunately we don't have to plan a reception as they are going to go ahead and have the reception in May as originally planned and just have an intimate family ceremony right now. She'll be a beautiful bride for sure!


Jan 10 -- Got to stop myself from snacking

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I've done really well today. I know a lot of the food choices weren't terrific but I stayed within my target range on every category except fiber.
I'm very proud of my accomplishments, particularly because I managed to eat out at lunch (Subway Chipolte Chicken & Cheese) without killing my numbers. Unfortunately, I'm sitting here wishing I had a little "wiggle room" so I could enjoy a Fiber One fudge brownie or even a glass of milk but I know I'll be unhappy when the totals adjust. I think I'm going to just go to bed so I stop thinking about eating.
Did have a great day at the Pregnancy Care Center, but had a problem with my car on the way home. May have to put it in the shop tomorrow. Really praying the bill isn't too bad :(

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALEXSGIRL1 1/11/2013 9:29PM

    i wish i had someone to make me my food so it would fit in weight loss goals . hope your caris okay today

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NEEDBU66 1/11/2013 5:29PM

    I sure know what you mean about wiggle room. oooof.

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