Friday, November 15, 2013
I always read and repeat to anyone who will listen, "Everything in moderation." Because elimination leads to deprivation which leads to bingeing. So if I only have a LITTLE of something, I won't feel deprived and want to binge on it. And I don't want to feel like I'm too strict with my dietary requirements and I want to be able to enjoy myself when I'm at a party, blah blah blah.
So I got to thinking...where is the line between moderation and deprivation? If it were up to me, Iíd be eating donuts every day. I feel deprived if I donít eat donuts. Or brownies. Or coffee cake. ESPECIALLY coffee cake. I canít help but feel like Iím missing out on something, especially when other people are eating those things and Iím not. So technically, I feel deprived. Of cr@p food. A LOT.
And then I got to thinking, how can ďmoderationĒ be quantified? Donuts, brownies, and coffee cake are all delicious. But how can I eat EACH of those in moderation. If I have a donut on Monday, a brownie on Tuesday and coffee cake on WednesdayÖIím pretty sure THAT will have negative consequences. So really, I need to pick one of those things and eat THAT in moderation. But then Iím deprived of the other things.
Deprivation is inevitable for me because of the relationship I have with food. Moderation for me means eating things very infrequently Ė once a month or less. No, ďIíll just have an ounce of chocolate every dayĒ for me. I have to deprive myself because for me, MODERATION leads to bingeing. I have no middle ground Ė itís an issue I have in multiple areas of my life. Itís easier to cut things out than to eat them here and there. I schedule cheat days when I can eat whatever I want and not feel guilty and then go back to my regular routine the next day. Like Thanksgiving - my thought process is that if I eat well up to that day, pigging out that day, which Iím going to do anyway, wonít be as big a deal. And then the next day, Iím back on track. That way I have a goal and something to look forward to.
So...I rescind my advice that moderation is for everyone. Not eating coffee cake for me is like pushing through a really hard workout. It's tough, but in the end, the rewards are sweet (pun intended).
Thursday, November 14, 2013
25 days ago, I had an epiphany. The seeds for it started sprouting about a week before but I'm not 100% sure what got it started. I took a long, deep look into my life and really SAW.
I saw how I've been lying to myself. I realized that losing weight is the wrong goal because it doesn't motivate me to change. I realized that the only thing I've been good at for a long time is vacillating. My motivator of choice was hating myself. I punished myself - for being fat, for not keeping a streak, for skipping the gym, for eating a piece of cake, or for anything really. I was a failure at everything, according to me.
A few things happened all at once which showed me the universe is on my side but only if I want it to be. I tried to fight it - I went to three different vending machines looking for Poptarts (my favorite work binge food) and couldn't find them. They're ALWAYS there and I swear they were there the following Monday - but that day, I couldn't find them. So I picked Oreos instead. But when I selected them the machine got STUCK and instead of walking away - because I was on a Gdamn MISSION - I put more money in and got two packs of Oreos, which of course I ate. CLEARLY something was telling me not to give in to the binge...it even gave me MULTIPLE chances. And I saw that happening as I was wandering around the building but I chose to ignore it, like I always do when I want to do something I know I shouldn't do.
The universe also changed Sparkpeople's Start page (LOVE!) so I spent a good amount of time setting it up in a way that I think will help motivate me in a positive way. And I set goals for myself that are manageable and make sense and that are sure-shots because I need that kind of positive reinforcement. I have a few long-term challenges in there, too, but for the short term, it's stuff I can absolutely do every single day IF I CHOOSE TO. These are not grandiose ideas. They are 100% everyday do-ables. And it makes me feel freakin' AWESOME when I do them. And THAT has been working for the past 25 days. And some pretty serious stuff has happened to me, and I'm not letting myself go. Have I kept my sh!t together 100% of the time? Of course not. But part of my promise to myself was to be on point MOST of the time, and remembering that failing does not always mean failure.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I just ready Indygirl's binge eating blog:
I am a binge eater - have been for as long as I can remember. My husband actually called me out on it the other day. Since I've been home with him for a few days, he's seeing what I do all day and lately, I've been binging. He did it in a very innocent way - he wasn't mean or anything, or pointing a finger at me...he just said, "You must be stressed, you've been binging a lot." And that was it. Not horrible...just matter-of-fact. A simple observation.
It f'ing HURT.
I wasn't mad at all. I was EMBARRASSED. Embarrassed that someone else is noticing one of my flaws. Like when someone points out the fact that I bite my cuticles - I obviously KNOW I do it, but do you REALLY need to point it out?? I usually binge in private - when he leaves the house or standing silently in front of the refrigerator. But I let my guard down and I got busted.
I told him what he said hurt and he immediately felt really bad about saying anything. My unhealthy relationship with food scares the sh!t out of him so he doesn't normally say anything. He said, "I just pointed it out...I thought you realized you were doing it." And therein lies the rub that he will never understand.
I DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT I AM ACTUALLY OVEREATING.
I pretend it's not happening...like this is what I do all day every day and it's nothing new. Even though it's not. I lie to myself about it...shut down the thought process and just shovel the food in before I can stop myself. His pointing it out to me made me have to tip my hat and address it. "Oh hello, Emotional Eating. Yes, I've been in bed with you for several days but have just recently been forced to open my eyes and look at you full on."
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE F'ING ELEPHANT STANDING NEXT TO THE COFFEE TABLE??!!!??!!
Yes...I have stress. So does EVERYONE and a lot of people have it way worse than I do. My life isn't perfect but it's certainly charmed and I use stress as an excuse to self-medicate. My husband's acknowledgement of my overeating in tandem with Indygirl's blog I read this morning are forcing me to really acknowledge what I've been pretending not to notice for a few weeks now.
I'm gonna hang out with the elephant for a bit...chat him up. Play Truth or Dare with him...or maybe just Truth. And after, my husband, the elephant, and I are gonna watch some TV and NOT snack. And I can get back to being the real me.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Saturday was my last race of the season. I must admit that normally I am THRILLED to not have to swim, bike, or run but this year is different and I'm not really sure why. Normally I am psyched to hang up my bike and put away the swim gear until April (or May) but when I was planning my off season training this year, I found myself wanting to add in swimming. And I want to bike on the weekends still until the weather gets too cold. And I want to keep running outside until I can't fit it in before work because it's too dark. I've never really felt like this before.
This summer was a big deal for me. I overcame a few obstacles that I am incredibly proud of. And maybe that's why I'm looking at the post season in a different light. I've lost a lot of baggage this summer and I've made the choice to not let the stuff that still sucks drag me down. Whatever the reason...I'm sticking with it!
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