NEW-CAZ   234,497
SparkPoints
200,000-249,999 SparkPoints
 
 
NEW-CAZ's Recent Blog Entries

egg timer solution

Thursday, April 01, 2010

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in,

almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"

You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to

lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all

right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said

"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still

around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

"The egg timer's broken." she said.
emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEFIT014 4/2/2010 6:19AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MBSKIT 4/1/2010 4:33PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
0309COOKIE 4/1/2010 1:11PM

    Oh, that was too funny!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TASOGAREBAN 4/1/2010 11:23AM

    LMAO OMG! I laughed out loud at this one and my security guard at the branch was like, "What are you laughing about?"

I was like, "NOTHING!" XD

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD 4/1/2010 8:36AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LKWQUILTER 4/1/2010 8:13AM

    LOL

Report Inappropriate Comment


Passing on advice LOL

Thursday, April 01, 2010



10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRI6909 4/1/2010 7:02PM

    Love the cat getting the spa treatment. This is my Fluff for sure. Thanks for the giggle.

Report Inappropriate Comment
1DEBIE1 4/1/2010 1:38PM

    Gotta remember #9.!! Oh my gawd...these are GREAT!!!! Thanks for making my day luv!!!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TASOGAREBAN 4/1/2010 11:22AM

    LOL I'm totally fwding this to my gfs! :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
FITNESSFREAK10 4/1/2010 8:49AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD 4/1/2010 8:39AM

    Thanks so much for the morning chuckle!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MBSKIT 4/1/2010 8:18AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


The Pope & Tiger Woods

Thursday, April 01, 2010

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope "No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late" emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEFIT014 4/2/2010 6:22AM

    emoticon Shame on you, Caz!! (ROFLMAO!!) emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
1DEBIE1 4/1/2010 1:37PM

    AHHHHHH....Not Mary TOO!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TASOGAREBAN 4/1/2010 11:21AM

    LMAO I just read your joke and the one posted by Umtondo. Twofer!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD 4/1/2010 8:41AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NHGRL68 4/1/2010 7:06AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEORGANNE39 4/1/2010 5:57AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TLSPEARS1 4/1/2010 5:44AM

    emoticon

The sun always makes me feel energized. Hope the weather is getting better over there. My co-worker in the UK said there was snow in the forecast for this week. Hope it is not as bad as BC. It's April and they just got blasted with snow. They needed that back in Feb for the Olympics.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GABY1948 4/1/2010 4:48AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
UMTONDO 4/1/2010 3:54AM

    Heard it before but still good . Here is one for you.

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard

Report Inappropriate Comment


This joke is a cut above the rest

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TASOGAREBAN 4/1/2010 11:08AM

    Ooooooh LOL!

Report Inappropriate Comment
NHGRL68 4/1/2010 7:05AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEORGANNE39 4/1/2010 6:07AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GABY1948 3/31/2010 8:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD 3/31/2010 8:07PM

    emoticon Loved it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALEXSGIRL1 3/31/2010 6:39PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JESAK327 3/31/2010 5:52PM

  I liked it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SOFT_VAL67 3/31/2010 5:42PM

    yea i have heard that one, its a goodie

Report Inappropriate Comment


Complaints from Council House Owners

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

These are genuine clips from council
complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

AND.....................................
.

As reported in the newspaper.

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

_____

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____


At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____


Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

____
AND............................

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their

passengers...


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____


"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

_____

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BETWEENUS 3/30/2010 11:13PM

    I just love people....LOL

Report Inappropriate Comment
GABY1948 3/30/2010 8:25PM

    Whoa! These were great! Thanks, ikkle...guess some things are the same no matter which side of the pond you are on! emoticon
BGB

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALEXSGIRL1 3/30/2010 7:03PM

    emoticon emoticonthanks for the good times. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TAKEMETOTHEBALL 3/30/2010 4:49PM

    I can vouch for the London tube drivers - still hear some gems occasionally!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD 3/30/2010 3:53PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NHGRL68 3/30/2010 3:19PM

    Those were good:-) emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRS.DOYLE 3/30/2010 1:49PM

    The last one is fantastic.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ITSHOWYOULIVE 3/30/2010 12:54PM

    The best ones are from the Tube. Hilarious-we have no sort of public transportion here in So. Cal., but I loved riding the subways in Munich-the funniest things happen and are seen on subways!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEORGANNE39 3/30/2010 12:41PM

    LMAO! Hysterical!

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446 447 448 449 450 451 452 453 454 455 456 457 458 459 460 461 462 463 464 465 466 467 468 469 470 471 472 473 474 475 476 477 478 479 480 481 482 483 484 485 486 487 488 489 490 491 Last Page