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UGH

Monday, November 04, 2013

It kinda hurt to just take down the pictures of my 20, 40, 50, 60, 70 & 80 lb goals, but I feel that it's not fair to keep them up. Yes I earned them previously but now I'm starting over and I'll need to earn them again. I'm sure I will eventually but I guess that could give me perspective of why I need to pay attention to me at all times. Not get sucked into the emotional games that I've been sucked into in the past.
I've done that dance with those people in particular most of my life, and I subsequently have been overweight most of my life. Its time to stop giving away my power. And in the moment that is a very easy thing for me to say, but it's always a very difficult thing for me to do. There is a part of me that wants to keep my journey here private and secretive from those people in my life for fear that they will attempt to sabotage me even further, and there is another part of me (that's kind of a brat) that says "Effe them" and almost wants to challenge them. But the adult in me knows that is nothing more than self sabotage and so I'll quietly type away and share my journey with those of you that are on a similar path. Thanks for reading, for all of your support and for sharing your stories.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSHEL7 11/5/2013 2:55PM

    I know exactly what you mean by your comments about those around you sabotaging you even more for the knowing and you sabotaging yourself if you do tell them. I also understand the need to take down your accomplishments, when starting over even if you did earn them. It's an internal need for me, I've had to take down numbers too. I'm proud of you for starting over.

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APACHESTEVE 11/5/2013 1:52PM

    Good for you for starting over. I've lost count of how many times that my journey has required a restart. Perhaps you need some new friends who understand the battle? I'd be happy to call you friend if some new voices would help.

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FINCHFEEDER80 11/5/2013 11:40AM

    I know how hard it is to start over. And I'm glad we can be here to listen and support you! You will definitely earn those trophies back, and we'll be here every step of the way to cheer you on!

emoticon emoticon

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JLHODKINSON 11/4/2013 5:16PM

    Hang in there! Nobody has your best interests at heart as well as you do, and that's a life lesson I have to learn over and over again.

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Reboot!

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Off the track doesn't even do justice to how far back I slid. I was feeling so much better with my 82 lb loss. I was moving, grooving, eating healthier and feeling so positive. Last November (2012) I broke. I was shields down in all my own joy and allowed external emotionally charged attacks in and allowed them to devastate me. I don't think at this point details are important publicly but I know what went wrong.
At any rate, here I am. I made it back. It's hard, humbling, and while I feel I would encourage anyone else to embrace the positive that they are starting over, I'm disappointed in myself for having to start over.
Of the 82 lbs I got rid of, I regained 64. Bright side; at least I didn't gain back more than I lost.
I recently got in with a hospital that has plans specific to low/no income patients and have been trying to get my health as a whole on track. Good news: no diabetes and no high blood pressure, bad news is high cholesterol. So just another reason to really get back on board.
I'm now "down" to one little boy that I watch but he's now 19 months old (WHERE DID THAT TIME GO??) and he's GO GO GO GO from the second he wakes up. I need to be able to keep up with him more than I've been able.

So, yeah. Here's me. Starting over. Remembering it IS doable. Trying to remember that I am worth the work.
Love and light to you all and all the best in your own journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FINCHFEEDER80 11/4/2013 2:29PM

    emoticon

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TAGSUIT2 11/3/2013 11:31AM

    Congratulation on your come back, if you did it before, you can do it again. Self motivation is a good thing and you have peoples that is pulling for you. I only been back a week and it's been the hardest week for me, I'm like the little engine that know he can...... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon.

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DAWNDMOORE40 11/3/2013 11:21AM

    emoticon That is wonderful that you are back. However, don't think of this as you failed and now your starting over. Think of it as starting where you left off. We all have moments in our life that can come in and drain us, but you are back and that is worth a 1,000 times of falling down! You will get there, and if you need anything let us know! Have a blessed day! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Dear Me,

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Alright Me, you're the first person to point out to others when they are being mean to themselves. So now its mirror time.
You have been through so much trauma, not just over our lifetime, but even just in the last 2 years. You've managed to bounce back after a life threatening illness, quit smoking, change jobs, start getting financials in order, admitted you need and sometimes even asked for help. You've helped your best friend through a break up, a marriage, pregnancy, discovery of cancer and birth of her son. You've been a full time nanny to 2 great little boys.
All of this is stressful enough for anyone. But on top of those 'little' things, you've managed to lose 82 pounds. You've been more mindful and respectful about what you put into your body. It doesn't matter that you can't wrap your head around that number. It doesn't matter that you still don't see much of a difference in your own body. The fact is you DID do that. And you deserve to be proud of yourself and you deserve the praise from the people who have given it to you. You do not need to be hung up on people who don't notice or that still see you only as fat. You are so much more than that.
You are a kind and loving person. You give well above what you should financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You help with animal rescue, you support others in their endeavors, heck you're helping to plan a housewarming party for a widow you've never met because she doesn't like to ask for help! You're a good person. You deserve a life of happiness and good health.
Now, you've slipped up a little over the last few weeks. You've been emotionally/stress eating again and you've gone over your recommended caloric intake. The fact is you've gone over for a couple of weeks now and you gained 5 pounds. The good news is you KNOW you can get rid of those again. Another good thing is you've been going 200-500 over your recommendation, not 1000+. While I'm trying make sure that I'm not being mean, the fact is 200-500 over is not acceptable. You can do better than that. You have done better than that. I know things have be especially stressful this month, but you will be okay. You WILL get through this.
I've told you often enough to get your butt in gear, now lets make sure that gear is NOT reverse. You can do this. You can move more, you can eat less calories and you can get back on track.
I don't tell you this often enough but I do love you. You are worth so much more than how you've been treated by others and by me. I'm sorry that I put us in this state of poor health.
It will get better and I can do this.
♥ Me

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COURTNEYO5 7/13/2012 6:52AM

    Oh goodness, girl. Maybe I'm just being emotional, but..it made me teary. I've done the letter to myself before when I was struggling with addiction and I know how tough it can be to reach inside and really look at yourself in not such a loving light. It's tough and i think you did a great job. It was inspiring and heartfelt. Sigh...I haven't done one in so long and I've been clean now for almost 4 years, but reading yours just took me back to those dark days where I had to reach into darkness and pull myself out. Obviously, yours is not nearly as unpleasant..lol..but u still have to look at yourself from the inside out. You have been through so much and still manage to give so much. You should be so proud of yourself. You sound like such a good friend and person to just know in general. I clicked like this blog too. I'm hopefully keep this one in my little "stash" so if I'm ever feeling down, maybe it'll give me a quick pick me up. Thank you for inspiring me and being honest with yourself and for letting all of us share in your journey.

Best of luck to you........Courtney emoticon

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CASEYTALK 7/12/2012 11:51AM

    Clicked on 'like this blog'. You're inspirational -- if you can lose so much with everything happening in your life, so can the rest of us. We all have setbacks from time to time, but what makes the difference between success an failure is getting back on track as you are doing now. You are a success. Thank you for posting this!

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NEVERNOTBROKEN 7/12/2012 10:24AM

    Thanks DIBANANA I'm trying to remember that part. :D

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NEVERNOTBROKEN 7/12/2012 10:23AM

    Thanks Rose. I'm always a little surprised when people read my ramblings, I guess cause I'm mostly a lurker. I totally recommend a letter to yourself. I got real very quickly with it and found it very cathartic. If I can be sure to listen to myself, things will be much better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
mc4VQQsAHDA

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DIBANANA 7/12/2012 10:22AM

  Great weight loss. Be good to yourself.

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LRBIRT 7/12/2012 10:09AM

    I loved reading this and could imagine wanting to do this for myself! You are worth the effort you put into yourself- Congratulations on the 80 lbs!! emoticon

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What 60 lbs looked like.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

So I decided to take a look at some of the visual evidence of my 58 pound (so far) loss.
While I didn't really think I looked that different, I'm starting to grasp otherwise.
I started this journey in July of last year, now here I am 6 months later and nearly 60 pounds lighter. While to some people 10 pounds a month may not seem like much, for me it's freaking amazing! I have still not gotten my balance for an exercise plan (as in pain level down, energy & motivation level up) but I'm getting better all the time. While I was on a 1-10 pain scale steady at 8.5 & up DAILY I'm now around 5.5-6 & it's not all day every day. That in and of itself is a wonderful thing for me.

So I'm starting with a picture of me in April of 2011
I'm not sure of my weight here to be honest but I know its around the 400 mark.

Now to May of 2011

right around the same 400ish...this in fact is close to the time that I actually found a number to my size. And yeah, it freaked me out.

By October 2011 I was down 20 lbs and feeling like I wasn't doing it right because it didn't "hurt"


And I had a friend take these pictures today. 58 (c'mon 2 more!) pounds GONE. DONE! Tootle-loo
January 2011

yeah...couldn't help giggling when the pics were being taken. Funny thing...the shirt in January is the same I was wearing in May. hmmmm

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and I'm sure I'll find the balance to add more physical activity and help myself to feel even better.
Thank you everyone for the praise, loving support, sharing of your own journey(s) and for just plain being yourselves. You are all awesome!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CUSTOMSOUND79 6/30/2012 11:10AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MAVERICK59 2/5/2012 12:55AM

    I am so happy for your continued success!
Congratulations and may God continue to bless your journey.

Belinda

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DISNEYDAMSEL1 2/3/2012 10:58AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon That is so great for you!! You can really see a difference. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll find the balance! You should be so proud of yourself and the fact that your pain has lessened is amazing!

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LISSASLOSINIT 2/2/2012 6:08AM

    you can definitely see the difference!! Great work, keep it up! :)

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FLAMENM 2/1/2012 9:34PM

    That shirt tells the start of the story. I can't wait for it to be even bigger on you as you continue on your journey!

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23KAIYA 2/1/2012 8:48PM

    Way to go!

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DITRYING 2/1/2012 6:17PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

You can definitely tell a differnce in the pics and I am with you that the pain level decrease is so important. Great work!
Di

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AANGEL3 2/1/2012 4:28PM

    emoticon emoticon

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HHB4181 2/1/2012 12:01PM

    Your hard work is paying off... keep it up!!
congrats to you!!!
emoticon

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SUNSCREENISGOOD 2/1/2012 11:42AM

    You are doing great! That's awesome!

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MAPLECANDY3 2/1/2012 11:11AM

    Congrats you are doing AEWSOME!!!!

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RICHILA 2/1/2012 10:25AM

    Congratulations on the Weight Loss but more important the change in your pain status!

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Deep Breaths

Sunday, January 08, 2012

So my last blog was about the positive sounding job interview. Yeah, that didn't work out so I'm still out of work. But I still have a roof over my head so it could ALWAYS be worse!
With that in mind I do still have to vent, lol. So time with the family over the holidays was ... interesting. We had 2 trips to the ER, my 75 year old uncle was hospitalized and FINALLY diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I say finally because he'd been back and forth to different cardiologists and they pretty much told him you're "just getting old". At least with a diagnosis we can all wrap our heads around what's going on and how he needs to proceed. Heck I had my own share of unanswered questions with my health I know how frustrating it is.

Mom was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I also was able to clearly see where I developed my dysfunctional relationship with food...her "reward" for low blood sugar was a slice of pie. *SMH*

I went (what I felt) was really off track being with them. My sodium content was sky high and every day I was over my calories (never more than 200 but STILL). I'm getting better. Getting back on track and I've promised myself that even if it's right here in my bedroom in front of this computer (thanks SparkPeople for the videos) I'm gonna exercise more! Not a New Years resolution just something that I'm gonna do for me.

I still have a really hard time grasping that I'm done with 42 (42!!) pounds just from changing the way I eat. Thank you SP for the structure, ty friends for the support & yay me for doing this much!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMAOF1BOY 1/8/2012 9:16PM

    Congrats on the 42lbs lost!!! Awesome!!! woohoo!!! you rock!!

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