Monday, November 04, 2013
It kinda hurt to just take down the pictures of my 20, 40, 50, 60, 70 & 80 lb goals, but I feel that it's not fair to keep them up. Yes I earned them previously but now I'm starting over and I'll need to earn them again. I'm sure I will eventually but I guess that could give me perspective of why I need to pay attention to me at all times. Not get sucked into the emotional games that I've been sucked into in the past.
I've done that dance with those people in particular most of my life, and I subsequently have been overweight most of my life. Its time to stop giving away my power. And in the moment that is a very easy thing for me to say, but it's always a very difficult thing for me to do. There is a part of me that wants to keep my journey here private and secretive from those people in my life for fear that they will attempt to sabotage me even further, and there is another part of me (that's kind of a brat) that says "Effe them" and almost wants to challenge them. But the adult in me knows that is nothing more than self sabotage and so I'll quietly type away and share my journey with those of you that are on a similar path. Thanks for reading, for all of your support and for sharing your stories.
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Off the track doesn't even do justice to how far back I slid. I was feeling so much better with my 82 lb loss. I was moving, grooving, eating healthier and feeling so positive. Last November (2012) I broke. I was shields down in all my own joy and allowed external emotionally charged attacks in and allowed them to devastate me. I don't think at this point details are important publicly but I know what went wrong.
At any rate, here I am. I made it back. It's hard, humbling, and while I feel I would encourage anyone else to embrace the positive that they are starting over, I'm disappointed in myself for having to start over.
Of the 82 lbs I got rid of, I regained 64. Bright side; at least I didn't gain back more than I lost.
I recently got in with a hospital that has plans specific to low/no income patients and have been trying to get my health as a whole on track. Good news: no diabetes and no high blood pressure, bad news is high cholesterol. So just another reason to really get back on board.
I'm now "down" to one little boy that I watch but he's now 19 months old (WHERE DID THAT TIME GO??) and he's GO GO GO GO from the second he wakes up. I need to be able to keep up with him more than I've been able.
So, yeah. Here's me. Starting over. Remembering it IS doable. Trying to remember that I am worth the work.
Love and light to you all and all the best in your own journey.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Alright Me, you're the first person to point out to others when they are being mean to themselves. So now its mirror time.
You have been through so much trauma, not just over our lifetime, but even just in the last 2 years. You've managed to bounce back after a life threatening illness, quit smoking, change jobs, start getting financials in order, admitted you need and sometimes even asked for help. You've helped your best friend through a break up, a marriage, pregnancy, discovery of cancer and birth of her son. You've been a full time nanny to 2 great little boys.
All of this is stressful enough for anyone. But on top of those 'little' things, you've managed to lose 82 pounds. You've been more mindful and respectful about what you put into your body. It doesn't matter that you can't wrap your head around that number. It doesn't matter that you still don't see much of a difference in your own body. The fact is you DID do that. And you deserve to be proud of yourself and you deserve the praise from the people who have given it to you. You do not need to be hung up on people who don't notice or that still see you only as fat. You are so much more than that.
You are a kind and loving person. You give well above what you should financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You help with animal rescue, you support others in their endeavors, heck you're helping to plan a housewarming party for a widow you've never met because she doesn't like to ask for help! You're a good person. You deserve a life of happiness and good health.
Now, you've slipped up a little over the last few weeks. You've been emotionally/stress eating again and you've gone over your recommended caloric intake. The fact is you've gone over for a couple of weeks now and you gained 5 pounds. The good news is you KNOW you can get rid of those again. Another good thing is you've been going 200-500 over your recommendation, not 1000+. While I'm trying make sure that I'm not being mean, the fact is 200-500 over is not acceptable. You can do better than that. You have done better than that. I know things have be especially stressful this month, but you will be okay. You WILL get through this.
I've told you often enough to get your butt in gear, now lets make sure that gear is NOT reverse. You can do this. You can move more, you can eat less calories and you can get back on track.
I don't tell you this often enough but I do love you. You are worth so much more than how you've been treated by others and by me. I'm sorry that I put us in this state of poor health.
It will get better and I can do this.
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