Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I told my husband this morning to throw out the scale. SERIOUSLY...
I have felt really good the past 13 days of no binge-ing. I haven't really had any urges to overeat. I have had all kinds of feelings, and I have been trying my best to feel them and deal with them appropriately. I am identifying my triggers and learning coping skills to deal with them, etc...
So, DH is trying to eat healthier also. He is weighing in once a week. I, of course, was obsessive about the scale until 13 days ago, and I gave the scale to DH about a week ago. I almost threw it out then, but I didn't want to if he still wanted it.
So, SO... I asked him which day he weighs-in. He said Tuesdays. I said that I would weigh in weekly on Tuesdays also. This morning was weigh-in day. I knew that it might be a trigger and DH was super understanding when I wasn't sure if I wanted to weigh myself. I decided that I did.
I stepped on the scale and was a little bummed. I really don't know why... I seriously knew what it would say. I was kind of "hoping" it might be a little lighter, BUT... I TOTALLY realized that 13 FREAKN' days without binge-ing can NOT be shown by ANY number on the scale. GOOD OR BAD... Doesn't matter. 120-150 wouldn't MATTER... I know how I FEEL, and I feel so proud of myself for eating healthy and trying to get better.
I truly told my husband to take the scale out of the house. I NEVER want to see it again. I am sure I will weigh myself some day in the future, but as for now... NOPE don't need a scale in the house. I know how to eat healthy. I know when I am being successful and no stupid number on a scale is going to make me feel good or bad about myself. Being binge/purge/free for LIFE is my goal.
DOES NOT matter what the number on the scale says.
Coach Nancy says:
When you take the focus off the scale, amazing things can happen.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Day 12 Binge-Free
I believe in the power of prayer. Thank you to all those who have prayed for me the last week. I feel your love and prayers. Today was the first day in a long, long, long time that I felt like just "Netty".
Last night, I went to an LDS 12-step meeting and was so overwhelmed by evil feelings and just broke down and said so at the meeting and expressed how LOW I felt and how ready I was for these feelings to leave my body.
The missionary in charge of the meeting spoke to me as I was walking out and said he would give me a priesthood blessing. I have been to many of these meetings and never been asked this before, nor have I ever seen anyone else solicited for a prayer.
Well... he gave me a blessing. I felt calm afterwards and was able to come home and get 6 HOURS of sleep.... Most in the last 2 weeks since stopping bingeing (I sleep great when I am bingeing weird).
I woke up this morning with a little anxiety, worried about going to work today but ready to go.
I was just fine at work. Felt at peace, not overwhelmed at all. Had a slow, quiet lunch break. Enjoyed my food. Talked to people about my bulimia without even crying. I felt okay and ready to deal with it.
I came home and talked to family and friends still without crying. I feel pretty good. Nothing exceptionally exciting, but I feel like I am just living and just being Netty again. IT feels great. There is so much hope in me. I feel people's strength and their belief in me. They truly believe in me, my soul, my spirit, not my physical strength... MY inner Netty that is a a sweet, kind, beautiful person.
THANK YOU for Being YOU and Loving ME.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Today, imagine your "future self" giving your past (or current) self a hug. See your future self thanking your past self for having the courage to move forward in this healthy lifestyle journey. How does it feel to look back on your former self with new eyes?
***This was today's Spark-Coach Visualization***
Future Self to Netty Now: Thank you for having the courage to move forward in this healthy lifestyle journey.
How does it feel to look back on your former self with new eyes?
I am proud of Netty Now and I was proud of Netty Then... she just couldn't see it then. She needed her friends and family to surround her in unconditional love to find her inner-love for herself. But, she found it and look at you now. You are still the same person you were then. Just a little more compassionate, a little kinder, a little more able to cry, a little more thoughtful, and A lot more LOVED by yourself.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Sadly or Proudly I say: Hi, I am Lynette, and I am bulimic.
I am trying to proudly saying, "Hi, I am Lynette." But so sadly I say, "I am bulimic." I have been bulimic the past 10 years. After my 2nd child was born, I weighed 225 pounds. I went to WW and lost 90 pounds and yo-yo’d up and down a little. When my weight started really creeping back up, I panicked thinking about becoming “heavy” again. I would go months without an episode, usually when I was training for the Iron-Man triathlon or for marathons. Then in the blink of an eye it would resurface, and I was fully enthralled in it again.
So, after much prayer and thought after this last terrible episode, I have decided to tell people that I am bulimic. I need their love and support. I know there are some possible people out there who will use this information in a negative way, but I looked at all the benefits to telling people and all the negatives. I decided the benefits out-weighed the negatives. I keep trying to get “better” on my own and with just Heavenly Father’s help, but Heavenly Father has been begging me to tell others so they can help me too. I know I have been doing a great job working with my school students. When I am with the children I can completely give 100% of efforts and attention. I think I have been so passionate about my job at school I didn’t EVER need to think about myself. I would come home and would try to give my family the best of me too. I tried to give my family the best of me, but all I wanted to do was “tune-out” when I got home. This has been especially difficult for them to find out this past week. Please keep Randy, Ben, and Whitney in your prayers too.
I have had to start thinking about me and my feelings as I am trying to escape from this illness. The feelings that I have been feeling now are self-hate, unlovable, gross, and disgusting about my behaviors and actions. I am ashamed and upset, and I feel indescribable feelings of sadness, hurt and anxiety. I am sad now for myself and for everyone around me. I hate that they feel sad because of me. Although I am realizing that these past 10 years they’ve hurt for me too. I am sure I couldn’t completely hide my sadness which often arose in the form of ANGER and FRUSTRATION.
I told a few people at work. They were kind and asked how can I be supportive? One co-worker specifically helped me. She was looking for one of my students right after school. I had already locked my door and asked my boss if I could go home early. I went to open the door and she just said, "Oh Lynette, Are you ok?" I shook my head no. I couldn't really speak. I asked her to come in, and we talked for a minute. I told her how much I was in pain and just full of anxiety and shame. We talked for several minutes and this is what she said so kindly and in a way that I really understood and believed what she was saying.
As I continued to quietly cry and explain the cause of my pain, she said, "Lynette I don't see that. I don’t see ANY of that. NOBODY sees that. How can I help you? We all just want to help you:
That was it. It was very helpful. Before she said this, I felt like an unlovable person, because I’ve always thought I couldn’t control my words and thoughts in a negative way.
Again, she basically said I don't see you as the way YOU see you. NOBODY does. I have to write this 1,000 times, because she is right. I share this with you, because I also hope that if you know someone or if YOU are feeling self-hate or think that you aren't good enough for some crazy reason... OTHERS absolutely do NOT think of you in the same way as YOU think of YOU. A very few, also sick people might hate us or judge us. BUT the people who LOVE and CARE about us DO NOT care what our bodies look like or think that we are mean, disgusting, or gross. They LOVE us and want us to see ourselves the way THEY see us.
I am so thankful I have started telling people and sharing this with others. I shared this with several people yesterday and all (except 1) were 100% helpful and supportive. I can't believe the out-pouring of support and love for me. I am letting them express their love for me in real life and not over my casket like the place I thought I DESERVED to be for being so abusive to my body.
How can people support and HELP me? Before Reason #1 SO I will call this Prelude
Prelude: The only way people can help me is if I SHARE with them. MY heart-ache and pain. Just as I would my celebrations. It's weird... we don't ask others for love and support very often when we are hurting, We try to deal with our own heart-ache and pain BUT we CAN'T because we see ourselves negatively. We must let them help us and tell us what THEY see in us. Some times our loved ones can tell we are sad by other body language that we are hurting but it's OK to say, "I am hurting. I need your love and support."
#1 Treat Me the Same Way You've Always Treated Me: Please don't think of me any differently. DON'T think of me the way I think of me... Gross, disgusting, mean, negative, rude, impatient, etc... I could go on and on. I know all the reasons to hate me and be mean to me. See me the same way as YOU saw me. Tell me about how you saw me, so that I can start trying to REALLY believe it.
#2 Email or Call me. I don't mind if you check-in just to say "Hi". Funny how I haven't been doing this as much lately either. It's a 2 - Way street. Let me call you in my times of need (maybe when I want to binge) and LOVE me during this time. I also need someone to come to an LDS 12-Step meeting with me. ***My Spark-Friends are the BEST!!! YOUR GOODIES and comments and love and support truly mean the WORLD to me. I still don't think I would be able to recover had it not been for Spark-People. I could have gone another 10 years.
#3 Situations and what to say to me. Now, the food and exercise...
I KNOW everyone is NOT Bulimic. Most people are friends with food and can have a little of everything they want. I think that is wonderful and the way it should be so I WILL support you. I am an alcoholic and I don't drink alcohol. But if you'd like a delicious glass of wine at dinner that is wonderful. Share with me what it tastes like. Do not be afraid to tell me about your exercise and food goals. That is not a trigger for me. KINDNESS is NOT a trigger. You can offer me food because you have NO idea what all my "trigger" foods are, but if I say no, then that's it. Most of the time this happens, but occasionally someone will ask again. This also goes for, if I have to eat a different dinner than you or if I am not hungry and skip the meal you're eating or if I know it's a trigger situation and I can't even attend this event.
#4 If you have time, look up what bulimia is and understand what it is. This is NOT just about binge-ing and the FOOD. It is about NETTY completely hating who she is inside. This hurts my friends and family deeply because they are my support team and feel badly that I hate myself. I am working the 12-Steps and trying to release my own self-hate and will continually work on this.
#5 LOVE YOURSELF. Be an example to me of Self-Worth. PLEASE don't be a Self-Hater. See yourself as your friends and loved ones see you. As Heavenly Father sees you. If you CAN'T see yourself that way, then maybe it's time for the 12-Step program or a therapist so you can release those thoughts.
Sorry this was so long... but this is so HELPFUL for me which means if I am helping myself and LOVING myself a little more. Maybe there is hope that I will recover and never relapse.
When I sign my name Love, Netty think of what that means: Netty LOVES YOU and Netty is trying harder to:
Friday, January 11, 2013
I, Lynette Miller, am retiring from Marathon Running and All Triathlons
With a very, very heavy I am announcing my retirement from ALL Marathon Running and ALL triathlons.
To some... this may seem extreme. Why all and aren't these healthy activities?
In a Nut-Shell:
As I reflected on what "triggers" my E-D Long-Distance Training came to mind.
Why? When I train, my food intake HAS to change from my normal every day eating.
1. I feel out-of-control and I feel the "starving" feeling after. I don't know if I am eating too much or too little. I come home from a long run and even though I hydrate and eat along the way I am STARVING. I used to think this was great I just "earned" my large meal. But, I still had the guilty feelings after I ate that I shouldn't have eaten THAT much etc..
2. I can't control my larger meals when having increased exercise and needing more calories.. I keep saying for ME because I know I am an ADDICT. I am BULIMIC. If you are an athlete and do not suffer from and ED then this does not apply to you. I am so worried my long - distance athlete friends will think I am judging them on this too, but I am not. NOT everyone is an alcoholic. So they can drink in moderation and an alcoholic can drink... NOTHING... that's me in this situation.
3. The training plans are too self-obsessive for me. I obsess over my own times and how I am going to improve and I am always thinking of Me, Me, ME....
SO... I was heart-broken... SOBBING. I did not want to give this up. So the alternative is to stay in and fear that my Eating Disorder will go away for a little while but re-surface at any time. My brother and I were planning on Qualifying for Boston TOGETHER. I put off going to Boston this year after I qualified last year to have my brother and I go together.
I had to call my brother and let him know. It was the most TENDER conversation I have had with him in my entire life. I cry writing about this. I told him I was so sorry and heart-broken and that I was not going to be able to do the marathon with him. I told him I am bulimic and that the training triggers me. I told him I was embarrassed and ashamed and have been trying to fix it for 10 years. It comes and goes. I always think I am recovered but I am NOT. SERIOUS changes had to be made. I told him I was sorry to let him down.
He said, "sister, you did not let me down. I am so proud of you no matter what. I love you and this changes NOTHING." He went on to just say how he supports me and loves me and will help me and immediately offered to NOT do the Ogden Marathon himself. I said NO, please, please, do it because this brings me into how I am okay with all of this.
I want to be the CHEERLEADER and a coach. I will reflect on YOUR plans and tell you what I think about YOUR plans and what YOU are doing. I will give you my advice and you are welcome to take it or leave it, but I WANT to be involved helping YOU reach your goal. Just as you are going to help me reach MY GOAL of OVERCOMING This terrible Disease of Bulimia.
It was the most wonderful feeling. My cause now: TO HELP OTHERS reach THEIR GOALS athletically.
If you are on a training day that is moderate, I would LOVE to go out and run with you and support you. If you need swimming tips. ME, ME, ME... I am the swimmer chick that is FIRST out of the water on the swim. Did I tell you? Since I can brag now that I am retired. I beat former Olympian Summer Sanders on the swim portion of the Jordanelle Triathlon. It was one of my finest swimming moments.
But... NOW it is NOT about me it's about YOU. I WANT TO HELP YOU!!! It helps ME. I can feel like my new goals as an athlete are just as important as winning the RACE. Helping YOU cross that finish line and be happy with yourself makes me feel happy about me...
Lastly, what are my new fitness goals?
For me, they are harder than training for a marathon or triathlon.
I must control my exercise and exercise moderately (I know poor me that I have to moderate exercise) It's like a skinny girl saying it's hard to eat my minimum calories. But... it IS hard, I love pushing my body to its limits.
Goal - Daily Moderate Cardio and Strength Training
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