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No more... SCALES

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

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I told my husband this morning to throw out the scale. SERIOUSLY...

I have felt really good the past 13 days of no binge-ing. I haven't really had any urges to overeat. I have had all kinds of feelings, and I have been trying my best to feel them and deal with them appropriately. I am identifying my triggers and learning coping skills to deal with them, etc...

So, DH is trying to eat healthier also. He is weighing in once a week. I, of course, was obsessive about the scale until 13 days ago, and I gave the scale to DH about a week ago. I almost threw it out then, but I didn't want to if he still wanted it.

So, SO... I asked him which day he weighs-in. He said Tuesdays. I said that I would weigh in weekly on Tuesdays also. This morning was weigh-in day. I knew that it might be a trigger and DH was super understanding when I wasn't sure if I wanted to weigh myself. I decided that I did.

I stepped on the scale and was a little bummed. I really don't know why... I seriously knew what it would say. I was kind of "hoping" it might be a little lighter, BUT... I TOTALLY realized that 13 FREAKN' days without binge-ing can NOT be shown by ANY number on the scale. GOOD OR BAD... Doesn't matter. 120-150 wouldn't MATTER... I know how I FEEL, and I feel so proud of myself for eating healthy and trying to get better.

I truly told my husband to take the scale out of the house. I NEVER want to see it again. I am sure I will weigh myself some day in the future, but as for now... NOPE don't need a scale in the house. I know how to eat healthy. I know when I am being successful and no stupid number on a scale is going to make me feel good or bad about myself. Being binge/purge/free for LIFE is my goal.

DOES NOT matter what the number on the scale says.

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Netty

Coach Nancy says:
When you take the focus off the scale, amazing things can happen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AURORAMILLET 1/17/2013 4:48PM

    Scales are over-rated, Keep healthy!!!

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MPETERSON2311 1/16/2013 10:06PM

    You are so strong!

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SUNNY1432 1/16/2013 8:42PM

    emoticon I hate scales too or at least the pressure of seeing what number you want to see on it. emoticon you are on the right track!

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JUSTYNA7 1/16/2013 1:33PM

    The scale is a tool but when we are in our disease it becomes a conscience. If it has that power, then it does not belong in the house. It is the same as the diet. Dieting has no place in my life any longer. It too was/is a trigger. I did what I had to do and SP was the right place to learn to make responsible choices. Feed my body and not my disease. You are doing great. Let's sing the song of 13... lalalala

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BUTTERFLY-1976 1/16/2013 12:20PM

    I use to be obsessed with weighing myself. I could be in the best mood, hop on the scale & if it went up or stayed the same I would get depressed & throw my hands in the air & think why bother. It was so bad that I had my roommate hide it & only give it to me once a month.

It eventually made it's way out of hiding & stays in plain view, but the break from it was good for me. I've finally excepted it as a number & don't let it effect how I feel about myself. How I feel about myself is way more important than that evil scale number.

Congratulations on your 13 days of healthy living!!!

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CARENMARLA 1/16/2013 9:48AM

    Hi Netty,

When it comes to conquering binging and defining success; its much more than the number on the scale. Please hang on to the wonderful feeling you have when you go to bed at night knowing that you are in control. You are doing great! emoticon



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NUTRON3 1/16/2013 6:49AM

    the scale is evil!!!!

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CAMAEL100 1/16/2013 5:08AM

    Your victories over the past 13 days is FAR FAR better than anything the scale could tell you. Especially just one day of weighing. there can be lots of reasons. I think that fighting your binging and purging battles is far more important than what the scale says.

Ask your husband to hide it if he would still like to use it. Just tell him not to tell you when he is weighing so you are not tempted. That way you both get what you want.

I am glad you were able to rationalise the scale.

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VTRICIA 1/16/2013 1:47AM

    I went years without weighing myself, and that was fine. Like, from 2003 to 2010, I didn't have a working scale in the house. And up until that last year, I wore the same size clothes and that's what mattered.

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BARCLE 1/16/2013 12:26AM

    emoticon sounds like you're doing fantastically

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JANEMARIE77 1/15/2013 10:21PM

    Doing great working on what best for you. Woohoo great emoticon emoticon

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DEB9021 1/15/2013 8:45PM

    Hey Netty!

Your successful weight loss was amazing! No wonder you got tied up in it and find it hard not to connect good feelings with a move down on the scale. But you are right! Time to be DONE with weight loss and focus on healthy lifestyle maintenance. Way to go getting rid of the scale! I am sure there are other goals you can set and track success by. Like watching the streak of binge-free days grow and grow and grow! Hope you have a lovely, mellow, happy week! emoticon

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LIFEISPURRFECT 1/15/2013 8:43PM

    Netty, I can totally relate to the scale. I'm so glad that you are able to celebrate those NSV. You are a beautiful person both inside and out, who needs a scale with some number to dictate how we feel! emoticon emoticon

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MJREIMERS 1/15/2013 8:32PM

    emoticon You didn't let numbers sway you! Having a daughter recovering from an ED, I know how the scale can totally change the view of one's self. We don't let her weigh herself and I've hidden the scale and I change it's hiding place every couple of weeks.

Again GOOD FOR YOU! How you feel is so much more important than a number. Besides, the number isn't a true reflection of your health. You are NOT defined by a number!!!! Yay for you!!! emoticon

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CONFIDENTLY_FIT 1/15/2013 7:50PM

    Good for you:)


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OJ_2_OK 1/15/2013 7:47PM

    Great job on focusing on nonscale victories such as how you feel and going 13 days without bingeing. I believe that its a good choice for you right now to throw the scale out and I'm glad you're husband is being supprotive.

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BOGUSANNIE 1/15/2013 7:07PM

    Netty...are you keeping a journal at all? And when you have an urge do you track what was going on at that particular time?

Journaling is greatly important in order for you to make those connections. Good for you for setting the scale aside and for embracing your non scale victories...I am very proud of you....you can do this....just don't rush it...take it nice and slow!

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ZERO2HERO 1/15/2013 6:15PM

    Well done, Netty. Just keep looking forward!

Hope and smiles your way... emoticon

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MBSHAZZER 1/15/2013 6:13PM

    WAY more important to focus on NSVs (that's Non Scale Victories) - and you are racking those up!!

Also, what you said about feelings really resonated with me... that you have been having lots of feelings and have been trying to "feel and deal". This is AWESOME! Feelings are OK, even bad ones. No need to eat them. I have a huge problem with feelings... I don't eat them, but I do avoid them. Guess what - it's OK to have them! Everyone does. It's OK to be sad, or angry or disappointed. I will admit that my biggest fear about someone close to me dying is having everyone know that I am sad. Isn't that silly?!

Anyway, I'm glad you removed the scale! That is HUGE!!

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TRYINGTOLOSE64 1/15/2013 6:08PM

    Good job on not letting the scale define you!! Keep up the good work!

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BLUENOSE63 1/15/2013 5:53PM

  Netty

Have him put it in the garage! Wow this is a big connection you have made with the scale, trigger relationship. Good for you! I hope you are writing this in your journal.

Congrats on having a good day today as that is all you need to think about right now.

PS. I weigh myself once a month, if that! Don't need that pressure. emoticon emoticon

Cheryl

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Power of Prayer

Monday, January 14, 2013

emoticon Day 12 Binge-Free

I believe in the power of prayer. Thank you to all those who have prayed for me the last week. I feel your love and prayers. Today was the first day in a long, long, long time that I felt like just "Netty".

Last night, I went to an LDS 12-step meeting and was so overwhelmed by evil feelings and just broke down and said so at the meeting and expressed how LOW I felt and how ready I was for these feelings to leave my body.

The missionary in charge of the meeting spoke to me as I was walking out and said he would give me a priesthood blessing. I have been to many of these meetings and never been asked this before, nor have I ever seen anyone else solicited for a prayer.

Well... he gave me a blessing. I felt calm afterwards and was able to come home and get 6 HOURS of sleep.... Most in the last 2 weeks since stopping bingeing (I sleep great when I am bingeing weird).

I woke up this morning with a little anxiety, worried about going to work today but ready to go.

I was just fine at work. Felt at peace, not overwhelmed at all. Had a slow, quiet lunch break. Enjoyed my food. Talked to people about my bulimia without even crying. I felt okay and ready to deal with it.

I came home and talked to family and friends still without crying. I feel pretty good. Nothing exceptionally exciting, but I feel like I am just living and just being Netty again. IT feels great. There is so much hope in me. I feel people's strength and their belief in me. They truly believe in me, my soul, my spirit, not my physical strength... MY inner Netty that is a a sweet, kind, beautiful person.

THANK YOU for Being YOU and Loving ME.

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Netty

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VTRICIA 1/15/2013 4:32PM

    That is great to hear. While theoretically blessings should be requested, I don't think the good samaritan waited for the injured man to ask for help. He responded to the man's need.

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JANEMARIE77 1/15/2013 4:10PM

    small steps glad you are finding your peace

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BUTTERFLY-1976 1/15/2013 1:17PM

    That great news!!

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MPETERSON2311 1/15/2013 12:58PM

    that is great great news!

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PRINCESSPP 1/15/2013 12:24PM

    You're on the path to success .. Thank you for realizing how important you really are and what is really important in life .. You have taken the biggest step of your life !!! I'm proud of you !!!!! My prayers continue hun !! emoticon

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MBSHAZZER 1/15/2013 10:45AM

    emoticon

So glad to hear you are feeling more at peace!

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BLUENOSE63 1/15/2013 6:32AM

  Netty

One day at a time my friend....small steps will lead to great strides. It makes me happy to know that you are on your way to weathering this major storm. As always, we are hear to support you in your journey

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Cheryl

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CAMAEL100 1/15/2013 6:31AM

    Great to see you finding peace again. There is great power in people getting behind you and praying and sending positive vibes and energy your way.

Hope your day continues to be peaceful!



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BOGUSANNIE 1/14/2013 11:05PM

    This is great Netty!!!

You HAVE to remember this feeling for when you have low times, you will need to draw from this.

Baby steps....one day at a time!

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Future Netty

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Daily Visualization

Today, imagine your "future self" giving your past (or current) self a hug. See your future self thanking your past self for having the courage to move forward in this healthy lifestyle journey. How does it feel to look back on your former self with new eyes?

***This was today's Spark-Coach Visualization***

Future Self to Netty Now: Thank you for having the courage to move forward in this healthy lifestyle journey.

How does it feel to look back on your former self with new eyes?
I am proud of Netty Now and I was proud of Netty Then... she just couldn't see it then. She needed her friends and family to surround her in unconditional love to find her inner-love for herself. But, she found it and look at you now. You are still the same person you were then. Just a little more compassionate, a little kinder, a little more able to cry, a little more thoughtful, and A lot more LOVED by yourself.

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Netty

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 1/16/2013 1:29PM

    Kind of sweet. I think if I go back far enough, the past me needs a lot of encouragement and forgiveness. The not so far in the past me had the courage to take one step at a time towards recovery and persevere. The present me is rocking it. At this moment the future me is taking a nap so I'm going to let her rest... shhhh... she deserves it after all this work!

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REYNINGSUNSHINE 1/14/2013 3:15PM

    emoticon You are such a strong woman Netty!

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AURORAMILLET 1/14/2013 2:31PM

    emoticon

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JACKIE542 1/13/2013 8:26PM

    Very nice blog, good way to think. emoticon emoticon

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MYRTLE811 1/13/2013 5:14PM

  I've come to realize that it is the loving yourself first that really makes the difference. It took me a long time to get there; but I'm glad you're there now. I think it will make all the difference. maybe add forgiving yourself to the list as well; that's something I've never done well and I hope you are able to do that too. Especially with the ups and downs of trying to lose and then maintain this weight.
Take care!

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BOGUSANNIE 1/13/2013 4:56PM

    emoticon

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LIFEISPURRFECT 1/13/2013 2:52PM

    Beautiful blog. So glad that you are being so kind and compassionate to yourself. We are indeed all beautiful, now and in the future!

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MBSHAZZER 1/13/2013 11:09AM

    emoticon

The wonderful thing about changing and evolving is to look back and to see how far we've traveled!

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VTRICIA 1/13/2013 10:13AM

    I often envision my current self sending waves of hope to my past self, like pre 2003 Tricia. or teenage Tricia. The Indigo Girls have a great song, "Love will come to you"


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CELIAMINER 1/13/2013 10:00AM

    Great blog! Love how affirming you are to yourself.

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MELAFYAIYAI 1/13/2013 9:03AM

    Very cool idea -

I wrote a blog a while back - a letter from my future self regarding the next six (now five, probably) months. Helped to put some things in perspective, and to give me strength.

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I am Bulimic

Saturday, January 12, 2013

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Sadly or Proudly I say: Hi, I am Lynette, and I am bulimic.

I am trying to proudly saying, "Hi, I am Lynette." But so sadly I say, "I am bulimic." I have been bulimic the past 10 years. After my 2nd child was born, I weighed 225 pounds. I went to WW and lost 90 pounds and yo-yo’d up and down a little. When my weight started really creeping back up, I panicked thinking about becoming “heavy” again. I would go months without an episode, usually when I was training for the Iron-Man triathlon or for marathons. Then in the blink of an eye it would resurface, and I was fully enthralled in it again.

So, after much prayer and thought after this last terrible episode, I have decided to tell people that I am bulimic. I need their love and support. I know there are some possible people out there who will use this information in a negative way, but I looked at all the benefits to telling people and all the negatives. I decided the benefits out-weighed the negatives. I keep trying to get “better” on my own and with just Heavenly Father’s help, but Heavenly Father has been begging me to tell others so they can help me too. I know I have been doing a great job working with my school students. When I am with the children I can completely give 100% of efforts and attention. I think I have been so passionate about my job at school I didn’t EVER need to think about myself. I would come home and would try to give my family the best of me too. I tried to give my family the best of me, but all I wanted to do was “tune-out” when I got home. This has been especially difficult for them to find out this past week. Please keep Randy, Ben, and Whitney in your prayers too.

I have had to start thinking about me and my feelings as I am trying to escape from this illness. The feelings that I have been feeling now are self-hate, unlovable, gross, and disgusting about my behaviors and actions. I am ashamed and upset, and I feel indescribable feelings of sadness, hurt and anxiety. I am sad now for myself and for everyone around me. I hate that they feel sad because of me. Although I am realizing that these past 10 years they’ve hurt for me too. I am sure I couldn’t completely hide my sadness which often arose in the form of ANGER and FRUSTRATION.

I told a few people at work. They were kind and asked how can I be supportive? One co-worker specifically helped me. She was looking for one of my students right after school. I had already locked my door and asked my boss if I could go home early. I went to open the door and she just said, "Oh Lynette, Are you ok?" I shook my head no. I couldn't really speak. I asked her to come in, and we talked for a minute. I told her how much I was in pain and just full of anxiety and shame. We talked for several minutes and this is what she said so kindly and in a way that I really understood and believed what she was saying.

As I continued to quietly cry and explain the cause of my pain, she said, "Lynette I don't see that. I don’t see ANY of that. NOBODY sees that. How can I help you? We all just want to help you:

That was it. It was very helpful. Before she said this, I felt like an unlovable person, because I’ve always thought I couldn’t control my words and thoughts in a negative way.

Again, she basically said I don't see you as the way YOU see you. NOBODY does. I have to write this 1,000 times, because she is right. I share this with you, because I also hope that if you know someone or if YOU are feeling self-hate or think that you aren't good enough for some crazy reason... OTHERS absolutely do NOT think of you in the same way as YOU think of YOU. A very few, also sick people might hate us or judge us. BUT the people who LOVE and CARE about us DO NOT care what our bodies look like or think that we are mean, disgusting, or gross. They LOVE us and want us to see ourselves the way THEY see us.

I am so thankful I have started telling people and sharing this with others. I shared this with several people yesterday and all (except 1) were 100% helpful and supportive. I can't believe the out-pouring of support and love for me. I am letting them express their love for me in real life and not over my casket like the place I thought I DESERVED to be for being so abusive to my body.

How can people support and HELP me? Before Reason #1 SO I will call this Prelude

Prelude: The only way people can help me is if I SHARE with them. MY heart-ache and pain. Just as I would my celebrations. It's weird... we don't ask others for love and support very often when we are hurting, We try to deal with our own heart-ache and pain BUT we CAN'T because we see ourselves negatively. We must let them help us and tell us what THEY see in us. Some times our loved ones can tell we are sad by other body language that we are hurting but it's OK to say, "I am hurting. I need your love and support."

#1 Treat Me the Same Way You've Always Treated Me: Please don't think of me any differently. DON'T think of me the way I think of me... Gross, disgusting, mean, negative, rude, impatient, etc... I could go on and on. I know all the reasons to hate me and be mean to me. See me the same way as YOU saw me. Tell me about how you saw me, so that I can start trying to REALLY believe it.

#2 Email or Call me. I don't mind if you check-in just to say "Hi". Funny how I haven't been doing this as much lately either. It's a 2 - Way street. Let me call you in my times of need (maybe when I want to binge) and LOVE me during this time. I also need someone to come to an LDS 12-Step meeting with me. ***My Spark-Friends are the BEST!!! YOUR GOODIES and comments and love and support truly mean the WORLD to me. I still don't think I would be able to recover had it not been for Spark-People. I could have gone another 10 years.

#3 Situations and what to say to me. Now, the food and exercise...
I KNOW everyone is NOT Bulimic. Most people are friends with food and can have a little of everything they want. I think that is wonderful and the way it should be so I WILL support you. I am an alcoholic and I don't drink alcohol. But if you'd like a delicious glass of wine at dinner that is wonderful. Share with me what it tastes like. Do not be afraid to tell me about your exercise and food goals. That is not a trigger for me. KINDNESS is NOT a trigger. You can offer me food because you have NO idea what all my "trigger" foods are, but if I say no, then that's it. Most of the time this happens, but occasionally someone will ask again. This also goes for, if I have to eat a different dinner than you or if I am not hungry and skip the meal you're eating or if I know it's a trigger situation and I can't even attend this event.

#4 If you have time, look up what bulimia is and understand what it is. This is NOT just about binge-ing and the FOOD. It is about NETTY completely hating who she is inside. This hurts my friends and family deeply because they are my support team and feel badly that I hate myself. I am working the 12-Steps and trying to release my own self-hate and will continually work on this.

#5 LOVE YOURSELF. Be an example to me of Self-Worth. PLEASE don't be a Self-Hater. See yourself as your friends and loved ones see you. As Heavenly Father sees you. If you CAN'T see yourself that way, then maybe it's time for the 12-Step program or a therapist so you can release those thoughts.

Sorry this was so long... but this is so HELPFUL for me which means if I am helping myself and LOVING myself a little more. Maybe there is hope that I will recover and never relapse.

When I sign my name Love, Netty think of what that means: Netty LOVES YOU and Netty is trying harder to:

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Netty

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOCH6 1/16/2013 9:15AM

    I'm even more inspired after reading this ! Keep reaching out. We're all here !

- Barb emoticon

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AURORAMILLET 1/14/2013 2:31PM

    Writing about your issues and problems seems to help a lot. Keep letting it all out and we'll be here to listen.


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ERPARA 1/13/2013 7:45PM

    I hardly log in to SP anymore - but I am subscribed to your blog. I had to log on after reading your post and just let you know that I am hoping for lots of self love in your life. I have not been through what you're going through, so I cannot pretend to relate - but I'm so glad that you have written about it and brought your private ache out into the public and declared the fight against it. You have a lot of support here on SP and you are worth overcoming this - keep things simple and take each day as it comes. emoticon

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BOGUSANNIE 1/13/2013 4:53PM

    Oh Netty, what can I say? First let me say, WAY TO GO for putting it out there!!!!! You are a fantastically BRAVE woman, I am so proud of you. I was bulimic for a very long time and can honestly say I know your pain and suffering, I really wish I had been brave enough to do this, or even had a forum where I could.

If EVER you want to chat, email me i will be there in an instant.

Please feel my arms wrapped around you in a hug! You are worth getting better for....I. PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!!!

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OJ_2_OK 1/13/2013 3:07PM

    I love you for sharing this blog. I've had these episodes before too. Mainly in college but I haven't done it since. You are amazingly strong for sharing this because I haven't shared my story with...well any one, except the guy I was dating at the time.

Any ways, If I can help you I will. We just need to better self-love that is all. You are so hard on yourself, just like your boss pointed out...nobody sees what you see. Just like I am so hard on myself.

Its funny how, I as a stranger, can see your inner beauty through your writing and the personality it shows, and we can be drawn together by spark, but its so easy for us to be so hard on ourselves.

That's my goal for 2013 and my overall spark people goal is to make this about a healthier lifestyle and showing myself love...not only love but acceptance. No one is perfect, but we can be healthy and happy. :)

Thank you for sharing this blog and inspiring me to own up to my own demons.

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MBSHAZZER 1/13/2013 11:07AM

    Netty, I think you are really making a big turning point! I feel so excited for you now - I feel like you YOU feel you are making progress towards your recovery. You are stepping outside your comfort zone and doing things differently instead of doing again and again what DIDN'T work in the past.

A few things - I think people fall pretty much into two camps. Those whose self image is WAY better than reality and those whose self image is greatly worse than reality! I can assure you, you fall into camp #2. We are our own harshest critics. When you start feeling like you are a horrible person, stop and think - do you feel that way about your husband? Your best friend? Your brother? No? Then why would you feel that way about yourself?

Also, I do believe 100% in sharing. My mother has MS and it's quite obvious that something is wrong. However, she is deeply ashamed of having it (I'm not sure why) and if someone asks why she is limping, she lies (this I cannot abide by; I think it's so very very wrong). Anyway, we had this conversation last time she was here that everytime my parents travel, my dad wants to get on the plane early when they allow people who need more time (the disabled and people traveling with small children) to go first. My mom is always outraged by this. I pointed out that she's not getting "special treatment" but rather, she's getting out of people's way because she DOES need more time and thus making the process more efficient. It's SELFISH to board with everyone else b/c she's slowing them down.

OK, the point of all that is that if we are not open with others about things that are going on in our lives, we cannot be OUR very best. If people don't know our limitations, and everyone has limitations, then we can't perform to our highest levels, which helps everyone else around us in turn.

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2GETMOVING 1/12/2013 8:48PM

  The strength you have shown in the last few days is incredible. Make it a priority to treat yourself with kindness and accept love and support from those who offer it. Thank you for inspiring so many of us. I hope that the support of all your friends here is felt by you. You truly are amazing.

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PHEBESS 1/12/2013 8:00PM

    This was a very brave step to take, and you need to give yourself credit for that.

And while your family, friends and colleagues can be helpful and supportive, you might want to find either a support group or a therapist to help you work on this issue, as well as giving yourself permission to be loved. It can help to talk to someone who has experience and insight into the condition of bulimia, so it could totally be worthwhile to explore that.

Good luck to you!

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WATERMELLEN 1/12/2013 7:53PM

    What a powerful blog. And what a gift you've given to help us all understand this situation and also to encourage others with bulimia.

This is a very supportive community and there is always always someone here. It sounds too that you are genuinely well loved among your colleagues, friends and family. So now you are letting that support "in".

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JANEMARIE77 1/12/2013 7:22PM

    emoticon Treat yourself with as much love and respect and compassion as you treat others. You are worth it

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CRYSBROWN1 1/12/2013 6:55PM

    emoticon
You are very brave for writing blogging this and sharing your story with others. It is very clear that you are committed to your wellness and recovery...that is wonderful! I know that here on Sparkpeople there are many of us albeit virtual friends that can support you along your journey. Sorry that you are feeling so crappy and sad right now but time heals all things, right now will be hard but day by day with perseverance I think things will get better and *easier* to cope too.

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DEB9021 1/12/2013 3:27PM

    Netty, you are so kind, positive and supportive to others. Now you are really listening and tuning in to yourself. You are also clearly a very determined and goal-oriented person, so when you set your mind to it, I think you've got this (not that it is ever easy to change old habits, particularly negative self-speak). I pray that you will find the way to turn all that kind, positive, supportive energy inward, as we all see it shining outward, so that you can benefit from your own strength as much as others do. Keep at it, because it will get better. None of us is perfect and sometimes you have to take things apart and examine all the broken pieces before you can put it all back together again. Not pretty, but necessary. If you try to just hold it together and keep going, everything is more likely to fall apart in a big way eventually. So take it slow (a challenge for you, I'm sure) and take your time healing. A bit at a time. You can do it!

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CAMAEL100 1/12/2013 1:33PM

    Such a courageous blog. And so right. Sometimes others cannot see we need help until we ask. Especially as it has to do with what you feel inside.

I am sure this blog will help others who are suffering in silence.

I am glad your friends are being there for you. We often underestimate how caring people are. The negative people need to be avoided anyway!!! And your Spark friends are here for you too!!

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JOPAPGH 1/12/2013 12:04PM

    So much courage to post this.

I don't know you, but here are virtual emoticon

Hope you find the support resources you need and continue to reach out to family and friends, including those of us on SP.

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MPETERSON2311 1/12/2013 11:28AM

    great blog! I think you are becoming so much more strong by coming clean and not only coming clean but DOING SOMETHING about it. That is very admirable and inspiring.

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LIFEISPURRFECT 1/12/2013 10:16AM

    Thank you so much for sharing. So often, we want to pretend that everything is perfect in our world and we want everyone outside of that world to see how perfect it is. But, we are human and are meant to share the not-so-perfect side of us. True friends will not care what we look like, what size we are, etc. Virtual hugs and much love coming your way.

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ZERO2HERO 1/12/2013 9:47AM

    Virtual LOVE and SUPPORT coming your way! There's so much here that speaks to me and so many others.

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Comment edited on: 1/12/2013 9:47:47 AM

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SCAREWALDORF 1/12/2013 9:40AM

    This is a wonderful blog. As someone who has had Bulimia and Anorexia with binge purge tenancies, I think you're very brave to take control. We all love and support you. xoxo

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ASILLA 1/12/2013 8:56AM

    Thank-you for posting, you are helping others doing so as well as yourself. The support system you have around you really does sound like a blessing. People are around that really love and care about you will tell you the truth, that you are a wonderful person. Please continue to be good to yourself you are so worth it

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BUSYGRANNY5 1/12/2013 8:36AM

    Lynette, I don't know you, but can feel your pain in your post, but more importantly I can feel your hope and desire to rise above your bulimia and become healthier! Your road to recovery began with identifying and owning your bulimia. Now you can begin to heal with the help of your "real" life friends/family as well as the support of those you meet with her on sparkpeople! I will be praying for you and your success. (I am going to research bulimia, a bit more, as you suggested!)

Hugs to you, Lynette!

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PRINCESSPP 1/12/2013 8:34AM

    OMG ... Please find help in any way you can .. I've lost friends to bulimia .. and to those they left behind .. all I can say is it's not a good feeling, hurt, distain, frustration ... ...

I'm so happy that you have come out, that is the first step .. This is a disease that you can't FIX yourself .. I hope you find support in friends and faith; and kick this disease to the curb .. YOU CAN DO IT !!!!! Stay with positive forces that come from friends and family .. There will be those that can't support you properly .. you may have to look into reevalutating your friendships with them ..

I wish you soooo much success in your journey .. and pray you overcome this horrible disease ..

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DRB13_1 1/12/2013 8:04AM

    where there is pain, there is also the opportunity for healing
I hope you will find a good therapist to work with, especially one familiar in dealing with eating disorders
perhaps you will discover the origin of your self esteem issues, but even if you don't, there is hope for a solution
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WENWIN 1/12/2013 8:03AM

    God bless you for sharing. I am sure there are many suffering in silence and your voice will give them the strength to speak up and share too.

More love for yourself as you know you are helping others who need to find someone who understands what they are going through.

Hang tough and realize so many people won't really understand it and may not know how to express themselves to you easily.
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SWEETROSIE2 1/12/2013 6:40AM

    Good on you for asking for help, that is a great step. Lots of (((((HUGS))))) to you.

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MYRTLE811 1/12/2013 6:31AM

  Please seek out positive people who can help you get through this and get professional help for yourself too. You are just a wonderful lady who is suffering through ending an addiction. You will be in my thought and prayers. I know, however, that this time you will end this cycle in your life because of your bravery in admitting it. That's a great start to healing yourself. Be well.

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BLUENOSE63 1/12/2013 6:27AM

  Well that took my breath away!

You should be so proud of yourself for "going public". I would imagine one of the toughest things you have done in your lifetime.

Today is the start of a new life for you Netty...and to finding YOU.

I hope you are able to find a support group close to you because you are correct, the more you talk about it....

Take care emoticon emoticon

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Retiring Marathoner

Friday, January 11, 2013

I, Lynette Miller, am retiring from Marathon Running and All Triathlons

With a very, very heavy emoticon I am announcing my retirement from ALL Marathon Running and ALL triathlons.

To some... this may seem extreme. Why all and aren't these healthy activities?

In a Nut-Shell:
As I reflected on what "triggers" my E-D Long-Distance Training came to mind.
Why? When I train, my food intake HAS to change from my normal every day eating.

1. I feel out-of-control and I feel the "starving" feeling after. I don't know if I am eating too much or too little. I come home from a long run and even though I hydrate and eat along the way I am STARVING. I used to think this was great I just "earned" my large meal. But, I still had the guilty feelings after I ate that I shouldn't have eaten THAT much etc..

2. I can't control my larger meals when having increased exercise and needing more calories.. I keep saying for ME because I know I am an ADDICT. I am BULIMIC. If you are an athlete and do not suffer from and ED then this does not apply to you. I am so worried my long - distance athlete friends will think I am judging them on this too, but I am not. NOT everyone is an alcoholic. So they can drink in moderation and an alcoholic can drink... NOTHING... that's me in this situation.

3. The training plans are too self-obsessive for me. I obsess over my own times and how I am going to improve and I am always thinking of Me, Me, ME....

SO... I was heart-broken... SOBBING. I did not want to give this up. So the alternative is to stay in and fear that my Eating Disorder will go away for a little while but re-surface at any time. My brother and I were planning on Qualifying for Boston TOGETHER. I put off going to Boston this year after I qualified last year to have my brother and I go together.

***Brother***
I had to call my brother and let him know. It was the most TENDER conversation I have had with him in my entire life. I cry writing about this. I told him I was so sorry and heart-broken and that I was not going to be able to do the marathon with him. I told him I am bulimic and that the training triggers me. I told him I was embarrassed and ashamed and have been trying to fix it for 10 years. It comes and goes. I always think I am recovered but I am NOT. SERIOUS changes had to be made. I told him I was sorry to let him down.

He said, "sister, you did not let me down. I am so proud of you no matter what. I love you and this changes NOTHING." He went on to just say how he supports me and loves me and will help me and immediately offered to NOT do the Ogden Marathon himself. I said NO, please, please, do it because this brings me into how I am okay with all of this.

I want to be the CHEERLEADER and a coach. I will reflect on YOUR plans and tell you what I think about YOUR plans and what YOU are doing. I will give you my advice and you are welcome to take it or leave it, but I WANT to be involved helping YOU reach your goal. Just as you are going to help me reach MY GOAL of OVERCOMING This terrible Disease of Bulimia.

It was the most wonderful feeling. My cause now: TO HELP OTHERS reach THEIR GOALS athletically.

If you are on a training day that is moderate, I would LOVE to go out and run with you and support you. If you need swimming tips. ME, ME, ME... I am the swimmer chick that is FIRST out of the water on the swim. Did I tell you? Since I can brag now that I am retired. I beat former Olympian Summer Sanders on the swim portion of the Jordanelle Triathlon. It was one of my finest swimming moments.

But... NOW it is NOT about me it's about YOU. I WANT TO HELP YOU!!! It helps ME. I can feel like my new goals as an athlete are just as important as winning the RACE. Helping YOU cross that finish line and be happy with yourself makes me feel happy about me...

Lastly, what are my new fitness goals?
For me, they are harder than training for a marathon or triathlon.
I must control my exercise and exercise moderately (I know poor me that I have to moderate exercise) It's like a skinny girl saying it's hard to eat my minimum calories. But... it IS hard, I love pushing my body to its limits.

Goal - Daily Moderate Cardio and Strength Training

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Netty

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MBSHAZZER 1/13/2013 10:59AM

    I'm catching up on all of your blogs now... I think this is AMAZINGLY positive! It's so important to identify triggers - in fact, I remember reading one of your earlier blogs and thinking that it seems like long distance exercise causes you some issues with your ED. You cannot start truly recovering until you explore the root cause - otherwise you are just putting a band aid on the issue.

I like the way you compared it to an alcoholic, too. It's true... for people who do not have an ED, running is just running, just like a beer is a beer to someone who is not an alcoholic. Very astute!

I'm glad your brother is being so supportive and I know you will be just as supportive to HIM in his training!

OK, on to your next update!

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AGENTMNA 1/12/2013 6:42PM

    emoticon
I'm glad you have decided to retire...at least for now! You have a fantastic brother...and a great husband....and sweet co-workers....(noticing a trend here?). With an AWESOME support system in place, I know you can do this! Not to mention you have us (Sparkfriends) here too! You retiring from races shows that you are fully focused on getting better! You have made a great sacrifice by setting aside a sport you love, in exchange for getting rid of a trigger! Way to go! YOU DESERVE TO BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE NETTY!

-Reese

Comment edited on: 1/12/2013 6:43:00 PM

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BLUENOSE63 1/12/2013 10:41AM

  Lynette

How about coaching others?

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NETTYBREAD 1/12/2013 7:06AM

    emoticon For all the LOVE and SUPPORT!

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REYNINGSUNSHINE 1/12/2013 3:34AM

    emoticon (I learned how to do these emoticons!)

Interesting fact: long-distance running, ironmans, etc, are actually not healthy. Research has proven that while it takes INCREDIBLY fitness to be able to do them, they do more damage to the body in the long run (haha, long run... get it? I'm so punny!). But seriously. Totally great accomplishments, but devoting your life to doing something so hard on your body removes the balance that we need. Once or twice, that's fine, but "giving them up," especially in your case, is the healthiest, best decision for you right now.

I totally understand how hard it is to limit yourself from extremes. When I was working on upping intake, I'd ask advice for less filling foods, how to eat more, etc, and I got soooo much negativity from people! Not always intentionally, but people saying, "I wish I had your problem!" NO! NO YOU DO NOT!

Stay strong Lynette.

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DEB9021 1/11/2013 6:55PM

    Great blog, Nettie! I have never been a marathoner, but have had the same issue with working too hard. I lost weight while I was working into running (doing walking/running intervals), but once I got to running 5 miles without stopping, I stopped losing weight and started gaining. I tried going back to intervals and that didn't work. I think I ate too much when I exercised hard, and then fell down afterward and didn't move for too long. I have since focused on moving more often, not harder, and it definitely works better for me. I don't get headaches, have more consistent energy levels rather than peaking and slumping in my motivation to move and get things done, and am more able to set and meet goals in a variety of areas instead of exercising but then feeling "done" and not coping well with other life challenges. I did it at a much lower level (no marathons for me!) but I think it's possible to be an exercise binger just as you can binge on food. I am now working on being steady and consistent, so that I am not a yo-yo with weight, food or exercise. You are really listening to your body, so I'm sure you will eventually find that right place with exercise that makes you feel happy and heathy, but not obsessed. Keep sharing!

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LAMAHAM 1/11/2013 6:38PM

  As long as I've known you, I've known you are ridiculously strong, not just physically, but in spirit, character, drive, and determination. I had no idea that you had to be even stronger than I thought, just to deal with the formidable invisible challenges that you were carrying with you. I say "were carrying" because as you let people see them, it will help you to put them down. (Although it is a little frightening to consider all you will accomplish without this burden slowing you down. Look out world! ) I am so sad that you are having to deal with this, but I know you can do it! You have made positive changes before and stuck to them. Your track record is better than you think it is, and you have people in your life who have grown and changed their lives too. They are in better places now, to be there for you, than they might have been in the past. I think this might be the marathon you've been training for all along...it's a long distance run and you're in it for the long haul...it's going to take stamina...support...determination to get up if you trip... You know how to do this. You've already started! Please know that I am here for you!!

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CRYSBROWN1 1/11/2013 4:12PM

    It took a lot of courage and strength to make this difficult decision I am sure - but I trust that you know what is best for you and if changing the cycle hellps you with this disorder then this is the RIGHT decision.

I wish you much success with your new goals this year.

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INDYCHX 1/11/2013 1:47PM

    Although I am a compulsive marathoner, I understand and respect your decision. That takes a lot of strength and courage. The fact that you have come to this conclusion, is a great sign that you are making positive progress towards coming to terms with managing your ED. Keep up the good work and stay positive.


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MPETERSON2311 1/11/2013 11:00AM

    very well thought out- OUT in the open too. Good for you! This is a great plan.

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ETHOMPSON25 1/11/2013 10:06AM

    You are a wonderful person. It seems just from what little i have read that you have a huge heart and lots of good things to pass on to others. Sometimes with being a great person you may not take your needs in to consideration. I think that if you need to step back from marathons and triathlons to make yourself better then that's what you should do...FOR YOU. Keep your head up...today is a new day.

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DRB13_1 1/11/2013 8:29AM

    yes, applause for knowing yourself and taking steps to be and stay healthy.
life is full of changes, and this is a season
never rule out what may be - as you find what works for you, all things will become clearer
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DARJR50 1/11/2013 8:11AM

  What a difficult choice this must be for you. I applaud you for being able to make the healthy choice for YOU. There are other things you can do to remain healthy without triggering your E-D.
You are blessed to have a brother who understands your reasons and supports you in them. I predict that you will find healthier ways of doing things in the future. Good luck to you.

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SWEETNEEY 1/11/2013 8:09AM

    You're story is very interesting to me. I find that when I am training for marathons I don't lose weight like most people. I reasoned that it was because I thought I could eat more than I could because I am expending so many calories. My fix was to train and track my food. I am always wondering, if I train for marathons like this and I still weigh 200lbs, what if I did not train for marathons, I'd not be able to get out of my way. But interestingly for me, when I am not consumed with training, I seem to lose weight. I reasoned that it was because I had time to plan my menus and control my eating. Enjoy your accomplishments, sometime we need a change in life and you have to continue to explore new horizons. emoticon

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SEESKO 1/11/2013 8:06AM

    You need to do what you feel is right for your body. Kudos to you for having that type of of running career. I did one marathon and after crossing the finish line swore them off. I do still do halfs. Hoping you find peace with your decision.

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