Friday, January 11, 2013
I, Lynette Miller, am retiring from Marathon Running and All Triathlons
With a very, very heavy I am announcing my retirement from ALL Marathon Running and ALL triathlons.
To some... this may seem extreme. Why all and aren't these healthy activities?
In a Nut-Shell:
As I reflected on what "triggers" my E-D Long-Distance Training came to mind.
Why? When I train, my food intake HAS to change from my normal every day eating.
1. I feel out-of-control and I feel the "starving" feeling after. I don't know if I am eating too much or too little. I come home from a long run and even though I hydrate and eat along the way I am STARVING. I used to think this was great I just "earned" my large meal. But, I still had the guilty feelings after I ate that I shouldn't have eaten THAT much etc..
2. I can't control my larger meals when having increased exercise and needing more calories.. I keep saying for ME because I know I am an ADDICT. I am BULIMIC. If you are an athlete and do not suffer from and ED then this does not apply to you. I am so worried my long - distance athlete friends will think I am judging them on this too, but I am not. NOT everyone is an alcoholic. So they can drink in moderation and an alcoholic can drink... NOTHING... that's me in this situation.
3. The training plans are too self-obsessive for me. I obsess over my own times and how I am going to improve and I am always thinking of Me, Me, ME....
SO... I was heart-broken... SOBBING. I did not want to give this up. So the alternative is to stay in and fear that my Eating Disorder will go away for a little while but re-surface at any time. My brother and I were planning on Qualifying for Boston TOGETHER. I put off going to Boston this year after I qualified last year to have my brother and I go together.
I had to call my brother and let him know. It was the most TENDER conversation I have had with him in my entire life. I cry writing about this. I told him I was so sorry and heart-broken and that I was not going to be able to do the marathon with him. I told him I am bulimic and that the training triggers me. I told him I was embarrassed and ashamed and have been trying to fix it for 10 years. It comes and goes. I always think I am recovered but I am NOT. SERIOUS changes had to be made. I told him I was sorry to let him down.
He said, "sister, you did not let me down. I am so proud of you no matter what. I love you and this changes NOTHING." He went on to just say how he supports me and loves me and will help me and immediately offered to NOT do the Ogden Marathon himself. I said NO, please, please, do it because this brings me into how I am okay with all of this.
I want to be the CHEERLEADER and a coach. I will reflect on YOUR plans and tell you what I think about YOUR plans and what YOU are doing. I will give you my advice and you are welcome to take it or leave it, but I WANT to be involved helping YOU reach your goal. Just as you are going to help me reach MY GOAL of OVERCOMING This terrible Disease of Bulimia.
It was the most wonderful feeling. My cause now: TO HELP OTHERS reach THEIR GOALS athletically.
If you are on a training day that is moderate, I would LOVE to go out and run with you and support you. If you need swimming tips. ME, ME, ME... I am the swimmer chick that is FIRST out of the water on the swim. Did I tell you? Since I can brag now that I am retired. I beat former Olympian Summer Sanders on the swim portion of the Jordanelle Triathlon. It was one of my finest swimming moments.
But... NOW it is NOT about me it's about YOU. I WANT TO HELP YOU!!! It helps ME. I can feel like my new goals as an athlete are just as important as winning the RACE. Helping YOU cross that finish line and be happy with yourself makes me feel happy about me...
Lastly, what are my new fitness goals?
For me, they are harder than training for a marathon or triathlon.
I must control my exercise and exercise moderately (I know poor me that I have to moderate exercise) It's like a skinny girl saying it's hard to eat my minimum calories. But... it IS hard, I love pushing my body to its limits.
Goal - Daily Moderate Cardio and Strength Training
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Truly a Miracle.
The past two days have been pure hell. My DH and I were barely talking I wasn't sure how he was feeling. He just seemed bugged and angry at me, and he even mentioned angry at himself in our brief conversation after I dropped the bomb on him that I am a raging alcoholic in the form of bulimia and have a serious ED. I was starting to seriously worry if our marriage was in danger. I was totally thinking that I should have just continued on with my ED and that it wasn't the right "time" to fix this.
Until about 5:30 this evening when I received this email from my husband:
Subject: All of This
I've done a lot of thinking the last 22 hours as well as a little reading/research about the disease and more specifically suggestions for what I can do to help you. I do want to help you and I want to be a support to you but it's all a little overwhelming right now. I love you so much and I just want for you to get better.
I need to tell you that I am incredibly sad and also angry. Just about the whole thing in general - I think in part because despite you saying you're not, several of the words and phrases you used made me feel as if I'm to blame. I feel this is important to let you know but it doesn't need to be discussed any further. I know you weren't intending your words that way and I am over that.
In my pondering I've come to realize that the best way I can help you is to first help myself. I can clearly see that I have been both an enabler and co-dependent. Neither of these makes me happy with myself. I am going to attend an al anon meeting this week and see what I think about that and go from there.
I am also going to focus on being healthy for me and the way I need to be healthy. I am working on how selfish that sounds but I know that you will being doing similarly for you. For me that means - I may be partaking in activities I find enjoyable that I have sometimes passed on. This will in no way effect the day in/day out operation of our household it just means instead of asking you if you want to go for a walk, bike ride, tennis, etc. I will just tell you that I am going. I will not extend an invitation to you but please know that YOU ARE ALWAYS welcome to invite yourself to join me. Again, this is not because I don't want you to go it's because I don't want to be told "no", or I'll go at such and such a time, or whatever. I also don't want to feel the responsibility of you going because you feel you have to - like I think tennis would have been last night.
Conversely I want to be a support to you - but that means I am SUPPORTING you. If you want me to go somewhere or do something you need to ask me specifically and have a plan. Please do not ask me if I want to go hang out and then ask me where - supporting you means supporting your plans (to me).
I love you and want you to get better. I know this is not easy for you and living the way you have been is not something you are "choosing". I think you will be more successful if you hook up with professionals that can help you with this, therapists, dieticians, doctors, whatever. You have tried to get past this on your own several times and, by your admission, it only works for awhile. I hope and pray that this will be the last fix.
We can do this, both separately and together.
That was the end of his email.
I am speechless. I have the best husband in the universe. I am so lucky. I was now crying happy tears with a heart full of peace and joy rather than sadness. Maybe there is hope and this IS worth it.
THANK YOU AGAIN Spark-FRIENDS you bring me a safe place to share my deepest thoughts.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Let's start with a quick visualization exercise. For 30 seconds, imagine yourself sitting alone on a beach, listening to the waves crashing along the shore. Let the calming sounds, sights and smells center you and help you focus on the goals you would like to accomplish today.
Just what I needed today:
Today's goals to accomplish:
To have patience.
To use healthy coping skills
To celebrate and continue 7 Days BInge-Free
Today is going to be OK. I am confident that I can make wise choices even though it might be difficult. I pray that my husband and I can make it through this incredibly difficult time.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I don't know why I'm writing this...... I am hoping more so that one day I can remember and learn from this experience. When I am at peace with my Eating Disorder. Where I could even possibly thank it??? for shaping who I am in the future.
I wonder if posting things on a Spark-Message-Board or on a Blog is wise or self-serving or something negative. I worry that maybe I will be mis-judged or mis-under-stood, BUT...
I do believe this is the right thing for me. I know that Heavenly Father really does LOVE me and want me to be healed once and for all. I am sobbing as I write this.
If anyone out there is familiar with the 12-Step Program... I am trying to work on steps 4 and 5. It's AWFUL and feels like the wrong thing to do. I want to go back to the numbness by eating. This seems to hurt far worse than a bloated stomach and throwing up does. As I finally pick myself up off the bathroom floor (literally) I had to try to put on a happy face for my kids, and I knew they'd be leaving in about 45 mins. so I pretended to go relax and take a bath. All the while... quietly sobbing on the floor.
I am having doubts about posting this as I write but... I guess I can hit delete after too. Nobody will read this right.
To throw in a *Spark* of hope... the 11 days I've been back on Spark have brought me peace and balance again to my eating and exercise. It's been nothing short of miraculous. Of course I thank God first and foremost but man.... Spark-People is a close second. I have been binge / purge free for 6 days. It may not seem like a lot, but since my marathon last MAY probably more starting heavily in June... I've been binge-ing and purge-ing every day. EVERY day. I have a normal day until about 4:30 when I am coming home from work. I CAN'T BELIEVE it. I don't know how / why when I love my family so much. It hurts that I feel like I am destroying it.
I am a spiritual person and have felt so internally torn apart. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like all the little tiny bit of good I have ever done is all undone by my food behaviors. I feel like even my weight loss and fitness is not looked upon positively when at one time it was all so healthy and I lost weight in the beginning the "healthy" way. Doesn't matter.
I didn't mean for this to be what this has become. I could go into such sadder details of the past 10 years of this off and on bad behavior. A spoon stuck in my throat was a good one... I've actually hid saying most of this for fear of being looked upon as dirty, gross, disgusting, weak, I don't know just yucky. I AM yucky, but I am just feeling strongly that it's finally time to come clean and start being completely honest. I have tried to work this 12 - step program for food sooooooooooooooo many times and have realized I always get stuck at 5 and never come all the way clearn.
I want to focus truly on the positive: I WILL get better. Spark-People can help CURE Eating Disorders. Can you believe that??? I DO! It will, it already is...
I am worth it.... Just like I tell my other Spark-People friends. Please don't think of me as the weird eating disordered chick. The bulimic... think of me as
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I saw an article titled: "Worst New Year's Resolution You Could Make" and all I immediately thought was:
If you don't have hope and actually set a resolution, then how can you reach your goal, your dreams, your BEST YOU.
*I haven't read the article yet. Now, I have to go read it and see what it says.
I'm back... just went and read the article.
So, it's about "Revamping" and really setting better resolutions. Continue to revamp and set your resolutions all year. Here were suggestions from the article:
*Small and easy* to achieve without much extra effort. For example, start by adding just 10 more minutes of exercise per week (as opposed to the lofty goal of an extra hour, five days per week!).
*Specific and behavior-focused.* "Eat 3 servings of veggies each day" is a specific behavior that you can observe and measure while "eat healthier" is not easy to define.
*Designed with a reward in mind.* Hold off on purchasing that new jacket, gadget or smart phone app until meet your goal of exercising five days per week or completing your first 5K this spring.
*Taken on one at a time.* Overhauling your entire lifestyle at once can be too intense. Don't be afraid to focus on the exercise first, and start to eat healthier foods later (or vice versa).
****Reviewed and revised often.*** Revisit your goals at the end of each week to see how well they're working for you. Don't wait for the entire year to pass before you evaluate your progress or add in a new challenge.
Article: The Worst New Year's Resolutions You Can Make
Start Strong by Starting with the Right Goals
-- By Megan Coatley, Certified Behavior Analyst
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