Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Truly a Miracle.
The past two days have been pure hell. My DH and I were barely talking I wasn't sure how he was feeling. He just seemed bugged and angry at me, and he even mentioned angry at himself in our brief conversation after I dropped the bomb on him that I am a raging alcoholic in the form of bulimia and have a serious ED. I was starting to seriously worry if our marriage was in danger. I was totally thinking that I should have just continued on with my ED and that it wasn't the right "time" to fix this.
Until about 5:30 this evening when I received this email from my husband:
Subject: All of This
I've done a lot of thinking the last 22 hours as well as a little reading/research about the disease and more specifically suggestions for what I can do to help you. I do want to help you and I want to be a support to you but it's all a little overwhelming right now. I love you so much and I just want for you to get better.
I need to tell you that I am incredibly sad and also angry. Just about the whole thing in general - I think in part because despite you saying you're not, several of the words and phrases you used made me feel as if I'm to blame. I feel this is important to let you know but it doesn't need to be discussed any further. I know you weren't intending your words that way and I am over that.
In my pondering I've come to realize that the best way I can help you is to first help myself. I can clearly see that I have been both an enabler and co-dependent. Neither of these makes me happy with myself. I am going to attend an al anon meeting this week and see what I think about that and go from there.
I am also going to focus on being healthy for me and the way I need to be healthy. I am working on how selfish that sounds but I know that you will being doing similarly for you. For me that means - I may be partaking in activities I find enjoyable that I have sometimes passed on. This will in no way effect the day in/day out operation of our household it just means instead of asking you if you want to go for a walk, bike ride, tennis, etc. I will just tell you that I am going. I will not extend an invitation to you but please know that YOU ARE ALWAYS welcome to invite yourself to join me. Again, this is not because I don't want you to go it's because I don't want to be told "no", or I'll go at such and such a time, or whatever. I also don't want to feel the responsibility of you going because you feel you have to - like I think tennis would have been last night.
Conversely I want to be a support to you - but that means I am SUPPORTING you. If you want me to go somewhere or do something you need to ask me specifically and have a plan. Please do not ask me if I want to go hang out and then ask me where - supporting you means supporting your plans (to me).
I love you and want you to get better. I know this is not easy for you and living the way you have been is not something you are "choosing". I think you will be more successful if you hook up with professionals that can help you with this, therapists, dieticians, doctors, whatever. You have tried to get past this on your own several times and, by your admission, it only works for awhile. I hope and pray that this will be the last fix.
We can do this, both separately and together.
That was the end of his email.
I am speechless. I have the best husband in the universe. I am so lucky. I was now crying happy tears with a heart full of peace and joy rather than sadness. Maybe there is hope and this IS worth it.
THANK YOU AGAIN Spark-FRIENDS you bring me a safe place to share my deepest thoughts.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Let's start with a quick visualization exercise. For 30 seconds, imagine yourself sitting alone on a beach, listening to the waves crashing along the shore. Let the calming sounds, sights and smells center you and help you focus on the goals you would like to accomplish today.
Just what I needed today:
Today's goals to accomplish:
To have patience.
To use healthy coping skills
To celebrate and continue 7 Days BInge-Free
Today is going to be OK. I am confident that I can make wise choices even though it might be difficult. I pray that my husband and I can make it through this incredibly difficult time.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I don't know why I'm writing this...... I am hoping more so that one day I can remember and learn from this experience. When I am at peace with my Eating Disorder. Where I could even possibly thank it??? for shaping who I am in the future.
I wonder if posting things on a Spark-Message-Board or on a Blog is wise or self-serving or something negative. I worry that maybe I will be mis-judged or mis-under-stood, BUT...
I do believe this is the right thing for me. I know that Heavenly Father really does LOVE me and want me to be healed once and for all. I am sobbing as I write this.
If anyone out there is familiar with the 12-Step Program... I am trying to work on steps 4 and 5. It's AWFUL and feels like the wrong thing to do. I want to go back to the numbness by eating. This seems to hurt far worse than a bloated stomach and throwing up does. As I finally pick myself up off the bathroom floor (literally) I had to try to put on a happy face for my kids, and I knew they'd be leaving in about 45 mins. so I pretended to go relax and take a bath. All the while... quietly sobbing on the floor.
I am having doubts about posting this as I write but... I guess I can hit delete after too. Nobody will read this right.
To throw in a *Spark* of hope... the 11 days I've been back on Spark have brought me peace and balance again to my eating and exercise. It's been nothing short of miraculous. Of course I thank God first and foremost but man.... Spark-People is a close second. I have been binge / purge free for 6 days. It may not seem like a lot, but since my marathon last MAY probably more starting heavily in June... I've been binge-ing and purge-ing every day. EVERY day. I have a normal day until about 4:30 when I am coming home from work. I CAN'T BELIEVE it. I don't know how / why when I love my family so much. It hurts that I feel like I am destroying it.
I am a spiritual person and have felt so internally torn apart. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like all the little tiny bit of good I have ever done is all undone by my food behaviors. I feel like even my weight loss and fitness is not looked upon positively when at one time it was all so healthy and I lost weight in the beginning the "healthy" way. Doesn't matter.
I didn't mean for this to be what this has become. I could go into such sadder details of the past 10 years of this off and on bad behavior. A spoon stuck in my throat was a good one... I've actually hid saying most of this for fear of being looked upon as dirty, gross, disgusting, weak, I don't know just yucky. I AM yucky, but I am just feeling strongly that it's finally time to come clean and start being completely honest. I have tried to work this 12 - step program for food sooooooooooooooo many times and have realized I always get stuck at 5 and never come all the way clearn.
I want to focus truly on the positive: I WILL get better. Spark-People can help CURE Eating Disorders. Can you believe that??? I DO! It will, it already is...
I am worth it.... Just like I tell my other Spark-People friends. Please don't think of me as the weird eating disordered chick. The bulimic... think of me as
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I saw an article titled: "Worst New Year's Resolution You Could Make" and all I immediately thought was:
If you don't have hope and actually set a resolution, then how can you reach your goal, your dreams, your BEST YOU.
*I haven't read the article yet. Now, I have to go read it and see what it says.
I'm back... just went and read the article.
So, it's about "Revamping" and really setting better resolutions. Continue to revamp and set your resolutions all year. Here were suggestions from the article:
*Small and easy* to achieve without much extra effort. For example, start by adding just 10 more minutes of exercise per week (as opposed to the lofty goal of an extra hour, five days per week!).
*Specific and behavior-focused.* "Eat 3 servings of veggies each day" is a specific behavior that you can observe and measure while "eat healthier" is not easy to define.
*Designed with a reward in mind.* Hold off on purchasing that new jacket, gadget or smart phone app until meet your goal of exercising five days per week or completing your first 5K this spring.
*Taken on one at a time.* Overhauling your entire lifestyle at once can be too intense. Don't be afraid to focus on the exercise first, and start to eat healthier foods later (or vice versa).
****Reviewed and revised often.*** Revisit your goals at the end of each week to see how well they're working for you. Don't wait for the entire year to pass before you evaluate your progress or add in a new challenge.
Article: The Worst New Year's Resolutions You Can Make
Start Strong by Starting with the Right Goals
-- By Megan Coatley, Certified Behavior Analyst
Get An Email Alert Each Time NETTYBREAD Posts