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Miracle and DH

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Truly a Miracle.

The past two days have been pure hell. My DH and I were barely talking I wasn't sure how he was feeling. He just seemed bugged and angry at me, and he even mentioned angry at himself in our brief conversation after I dropped the bomb on him that I am a raging alcoholic in the form of bulimia and have a serious ED. I was starting to seriously worry if our marriage was in danger. I was totally thinking that I should have just continued on with my ED and that it wasn't the right "time" to fix this.

Until about 5:30 this evening when I received this email from my husband:

Subject: All of This

I've done a lot of thinking the last 22 hours as well as a little reading/research about the disease and more specifically suggestions for what I can do to help you. I do want to help you and I want to be a support to you but it's all a little overwhelming right now. I love you so much and I just want for you to get better.

I need to tell you that I am incredibly sad and also angry. Just about the whole thing in general - I think in part because despite you saying you're not, several of the words and phrases you used made me feel as if I'm to blame. I feel this is important to let you know but it doesn't need to be discussed any further. I know you weren't intending your words that way and I am over that.

In my pondering I've come to realize that the best way I can help you is to first help myself. I can clearly see that I have been both an enabler and co-dependent. Neither of these makes me happy with myself. I am going to attend an al anon meeting this week and see what I think about that and go from there.

I am also going to focus on being healthy for me and the way I need to be healthy. I am working on how selfish that sounds but I know that you will being doing similarly for you. For me that means - I may be partaking in activities I find enjoyable that I have sometimes passed on. This will in no way effect the day in/day out operation of our household it just means instead of asking you if you want to go for a walk, bike ride, tennis, etc. I will just tell you that I am going. I will not extend an invitation to you but please know that YOU ARE ALWAYS welcome to invite yourself to join me. Again, this is not because I don't want you to go it's because I don't want to be told "no", or I'll go at such and such a time, or whatever. I also don't want to feel the responsibility of you going because you feel you have to - like I think tennis would have been last night.

Conversely I want to be a support to you - but that means I am SUPPORTING you. If you want me to go somewhere or do something you need to ask me specifically and have a plan. Please do not ask me if I want to go hang out and then ask me where - supporting you means supporting your plans (to me).

I love you and want you to get better. I know this is not easy for you and living the way you have been is not something you are "choosing". I think you will be more successful if you hook up with professionals that can help you with this, therapists, dieticians, doctors, whatever. You have tried to get past this on your own several times and, by your admission, it only works for awhile. I hope and pray that this will be the last fix.

We can do this, both separately and together.

That was the end of his email.

I am speechless. I have the best husband in the universe. I am so lucky. I was now crying happy tears with a heart full of peace and joy rather than sadness. Maybe there is hope and this IS worth it.

THANK YOU AGAIN Spark-FRIENDS you bring me a safe place to share my deepest thoughts.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANEMARIE77 1/10/2013 11:47PM

    There is always hope glad yoy are seeing it in other now its time to see it in yourself because your dh is right you have to do it for yourself first emoticon

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REYNINGSUNSHINE 1/10/2013 8:54PM

    You two are so cute together. I'm glad things are getting better and he is supportive. Good luck with getting the help you need- find strength in the Gospel, your husband, and within yourself :)

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MPETERSON2311 1/10/2013 7:34PM

    AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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2GETMOVING 1/10/2013 5:55PM

  This is so wonderful to read. It sounds like your husband really wants to support you.I hope someday I have the strength to be as honest with my own husband.

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AURORAMILLET 1/10/2013 1:49PM

    I am so happy that things are working out for you!!

I hope things continue to go well for you!!!

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GORIANA 1/10/2013 1:47PM

    How fortunate you are to have him. Good luck finding the help you need.

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CARENMARLA 1/10/2013 11:29AM

    Your DH is so articulate and able to express his emotions in such a concise way. He put a lot of thought into that email and truly loves you and wants to be a support. And the 2 of you are a very nice looking couple!

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MBSHAZZER 1/10/2013 11:03AM

    Awww, your hubby is so handsome AND kind! :D

I am unclear if he knew about your ED, or if this was something new to him? Regardless, either way, it sounds like he has been using the time to think through that awesome email he sent to you.

I'm so glad you are getting support (and NOT co-dependance) from your hubby. I love that he went out of his way to make you feel reassured that he is there for you. What a winner!

Also, thanks for all the goodies and nice comments on my page! Makes me feel awesome to see you popping in with such nice remarks!

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HEATHHILL 1/10/2013 8:49AM

    Your husband sounds an awful lot like mine. We are lucky people, just really lucky. And we are both worth the love that they shower on us. My hubby has been telling me for years that if I don't do something about my belly fat I am going to have a heart attack and he doesn't want that. At first it made me angry, but then I realized I was being block headed and that I am in charge of taking care of me. With this kind of love and support, you know we can overcome this. Your ED is serious. My issues with food are serious even if I don't binge/purge or have anorexia. You are an inspiration. Stay with SP, you will find lots and lots of support here too.

Best wishes to you today. One day at a time......

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RUNNING-TURTLE 1/10/2013 7:44AM

    emoticon

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PATSYB7 1/10/2013 5:57AM

    He is definitely a keeper. You're lucky he's on your team. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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AGENTMNA 1/10/2013 4:59AM

    Thanks for sharing that with us. Your husband sounds like a fantastic man! With him as your support system I know you can conquer this! emoticon

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DRB13_1 1/10/2013 3:46AM

    when two are together, the joys are doubled and the sorrows halved
now get to work emoticon emoticon

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JUICE-LOVER 1/10/2013 12:52AM

    Awesome!! And yes, still going to read. ;) Will be getting back to you before the weekend. Must take care of dental challenge. Sending you love and warmth! Keep hoping that good things will happen ... and they will. emoticon

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-FROGGIE- 1/9/2013 11:59PM

    Sending emoticon
There is always hope. emoticon



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JANETTEB553 1/9/2013 11:48PM

    emoticon

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Spark Coach Visualization

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Daily Visualization

Let's start with a quick visualization exercise. For 30 seconds, imagine yourself sitting alone on a beach, listening to the waves crashing along the shore. Let the calming sounds, sights and smells center you and help you focus on the goals you would like to accomplish today.

Just what I needed today:
Peace
Calmness

Today's goals to accomplish:

To have patience.
To Listen
To use healthy coping skills

To celebrate and continue 7 Days BInge-Free

Today is going to be OK. I am confident that I can make wise choices even though it might be difficult. I pray that my husband and I can make it through this incredibly difficult time.

Love,

Netty emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRATEFUL_BEING 1/9/2013 5:47PM

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MBSHAZZER 1/9/2013 5:02PM

    emoticon

Love the new profile pic, too!

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AURORAMILLET 1/9/2013 1:31PM

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Great advice!



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MPETERSON2311 1/9/2013 11:43AM

    oh man that is my HAAAAAPY place (apparently with 1 p)

My family is from the east coast but we moved to rocky ol' Colorado when I was 10. I miss the ocean so much it became my meditation retreat. You can time breathing with waves. I'm praying for you too girlfriend- you can do this. I know you can!!

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DRB13_1 1/9/2013 9:02AM

    I am enjoying the visualizations.
Our brains do not know when thoughts are real or imagined - make the visualization as detailed as you can, savor the moment, and keep the peacefulness in your heart.

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Very Sad

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

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I don't know why I'm writing this...... I am hoping more so that one day I can remember and learn from this experience. When I am at peace with my Eating Disorder. Where I could even possibly thank it??? for shaping who I am in the future.

I wonder if posting things on a Spark-Message-Board or on a Blog is wise or self-serving or something negative. I worry that maybe I will be mis-judged or mis-under-stood, BUT...

I do believe this is the right thing for me. I know that Heavenly Father really does LOVE me and want me to be healed once and for all. I am sobbing as I write this.

If anyone out there is familiar with the 12-Step Program... I am trying to work on steps 4 and 5. It's AWFUL and feels like the wrong thing to do. I want to go back to the numbness by eating. This seems to hurt far worse than a bloated stomach and throwing up does. As I finally pick myself up off the bathroom floor (literally) I had to try to put on a happy face for my kids, and I knew they'd be leaving in about 45 mins. so I pretended to go relax and take a bath. All the while... quietly sobbing on the floor.

I am having doubts about posting this as I write but... I guess I can hit delete after too. Nobody will read this right.

To throw in a *Spark* of hope... the 11 days I've been back on Spark have brought me peace and balance again to my eating and exercise. It's been nothing short of miraculous. Of course I thank God first and foremost but man.... Spark-People is a close second. I have been binge / purge free for 6 days. It may not seem like a lot, but since my marathon last MAY probably more starting heavily in June... I've been binge-ing and purge-ing every day. EVERY day. I have a normal day until about 4:30 when I am coming home from work. I CAN'T BELIEVE it. I don't know how / why when I love my family so much. It hurts that I feel like I am destroying it.

I am a spiritual person and have felt so internally torn apart. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like all the little tiny bit of good I have ever done is all undone by my food behaviors. I feel like even my weight loss and fitness is not looked upon positively when at one time it was all so healthy and I lost weight in the beginning the "healthy" way. Doesn't matter.

I didn't mean for this to be what this has become. I could go into such sadder details of the past 10 years of this off and on bad behavior. A spoon stuck in my throat was a good one... I've actually hid saying most of this for fear of being looked upon as dirty, gross, disgusting, weak, I don't know just yucky. I AM yucky, but I am just feeling strongly that it's finally time to come clean and start being completely honest. I have tried to work this 12 - step program for food sooooooooooooooo many times and have realized I always get stuck at 5 and never come all the way clearn.

I want to focus truly on the positive: I WILL get better. Spark-People can help CURE Eating Disorders. Can you believe that??? I DO! It will, it already is...

I am worth it.... Just like I tell my other Spark-People friends. Please don't think of me as the weird eating disordered chick. The bulimic... think of me as

Love,

Netty

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REYNINGSUNSHINE 1/10/2013 8:59PM

    I may be going over your old blogs and reading them. I'm in a different generation than you are, but I struggled with an ED, too. I was relatively young- about 14/15- and Spark's sister site, SparkTeens, helped me cope, along with a lot of scripture reading and a good friend.

While I don't condone or encourage EDs, I do find strength in my personal struggles. We are never given a trial we can't handle, and each "problem" we encounter in this life has the ability to serve the purpose of strengthening us, learning to love, learning to lean towards our Heavenly Father.

So, I'm here on the other side of a similar struggle, letting you know that it can get better, and someday, you can look back and see the good coming through- not from having the ED necessarily, but from learning to overcome it.

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AURORAMILLET 1/9/2013 1:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MBSHAZZER 1/9/2013 10:32AM

    OK, I just googled the steps - I can totally see how 4 & 5 are making you uncomfortable. But in reading your post, I can relate. We ALL can relate. Because NO ONE is perfect! It's OK to feel yucky sometimes, but trust me, you are NOT a yucky person! :D

Remember to separate your feelings, which are temporary, from who you ARE. Just like we are more than our appearance, our weight, our marathon finish times, we are more than how we feel!

Another thought, and take this with a grain of salt as I am not a trained professional.... when we make a big deal out of our problems, we give them power over our lives. Let's look at what you posted, that you do really well all day and then at 4:30pm you start bingeing. What if you said to yourself, 'Self, it's OK to go home and overeat. If you feel like it. If you don't, it's OK to take a nap, phone a friend, go for a walk. But if you do eat, it's OK" - would you feel like that takes some of the power away from your ED? I dunno - it might make things worse... but just from reading your blogs, it seems like if you demote the importance of bingeing and purging from your life, you remove some of its power over you.

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HEIDI-25 1/9/2013 9:57AM

    Honesty is good. I don't profess to know anything about eating disorders or any other kind of addiction so my thoughts on this are just my own. I think that you have courage to post here. Sparkpeople is a supportive group. It might be wise to seek out professional help, one on one or in a small group. While blogging and the knowledge (following) of the 12 step program is going to help some people to beat this, a professional that is nearby or just a phone call away, might be helpful to you in beating this addiction once and for all. We wish only the best for you and your family. Good luck and continue to keep us updated :)

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DRB13_1 1/9/2013 9:01AM

    Dear one, keep working the 12 steps and keep working the Spark.
When we put healthy, positive steps into our daily routine, that leaves less or no time for the detrimental things. The beauty of Spark is we are developing lifelong habits, learning and practicing and getting support and rewards a day at a time.
I wish you well and know that you will be "stronger" as you deal with and overcome the eating disorder... and be able to help others because you have been THROUGH the ordeal yourself.
Tears can be healing, and God keeps each tear in a bottle, just as he knows the number of hairs on our heads.
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HEATHHILL 1/9/2013 8:43AM

    I think you are very brave and strong to be able to write this. Facing our issues head on and dealing with them is HARD. If it was easy, all of us would be in great shape and have excellent mental health. As we are all human, that is not the case for most of us. We all have struggles, some are harder than others. Yours is hard. But it is inspiring to me that you can be so brave. We have been spark friends for a while, and sometimes you hang out with the swimming for cardio team, so I've been following your progress off and on for quite some time. I had no idea you were dealing with bulimia though. It is a tough thing. But you are tougher. And you have the support of your faith and your friends and family to see you through this.

Keep blogging. I truly believe sharing will help you and allowing others to help you will strengthen you along your journey as well. Peace to you.

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SIMPLY4DHEART 1/9/2013 2:07AM

    Nettie, You are a beautiful women, always remember that. Take one day at a time, celebrate all the successes you have, no matter what size they are. I admire you for doing this blog and believe this step will help you with even more success stroies to blog about. I wish you the best on your healthy lifestyle journeys you will be on. YOU GO Girl GO emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUICE-LOVER 1/8/2013 11:35PM

    Hi Netty,

I happen to have a copy of 12-Steps at hand. WooHoo!!! So, what I'll do is study it for a little while and get back to you, OK?! Meanwhile, hang in there, Girl!! All a person can do is do their best, even by coping as best as they can, as in Lennon's "Whatever gets you through the night. It's alright." Hope that you'll be more careful with your spoon from now on and that it's OK that I've added you as Friend, so I can find you back real easy. Please, add me back. I do think that you are on the right way already, as I briefly glance over Step 5. Writing this blog was the right thing to do.

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MPETERSON2311 1/8/2013 10:56PM

    I READ IT! And you are worth so much more! Good for you for coming clean! Doesn't it feel good to get that stuff off your chest? I know when I let my skeletons out of the closet I feel better even if I think they were horrible to begin with.

You can do this. Who doesn't have those things we wish we could change about ourselves? We are here for you! emoticon You are anything but "digusting" "weak" or "yucky" to me. There are days I wake up waiting to read posts from you because I know we are in this TOGETHER.

Comment edited on: 1/8/2013 11:00:23 PM

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2GETMOVING 1/8/2013 10:55PM

  I think you are incredibly brave and inspiring. I don't know that there is time when an eating disorder can be less painful. I do think that you are taking the steps to overcome and take control. It can be lonely facing this. You have been a source of support for many here myself included. I hope you draw strength from the many here who support you. emoticon

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EMMACORY 1/8/2013 10:44PM

    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. When you can name your issues they no longer can have the same power over you. Netty, God does love you as you are today. Know that you have my prayers and support.

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TIDESONG 1/8/2013 10:27PM

    I did read this. Thank you for being so honest. How do I think of you? I think of you as Netty, a new person I've come across, who is a brave woman for trying to come to terms with difficult things in her life. I hope for nothing but the best for you, and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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Worst Resolutuion...

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

I saw an article titled: "Worst New Year's Resolution You Could Make" and all I immediately thought was:

*No Resolution*

If you don't have hope and actually set a resolution, then how can you reach your goal, your dreams, your BEST YOU.

*I haven't read the article yet. Now, I have to go read it and see what it says.

I'm back... just went and read the article.

So, it's about "Revamping" and really setting better resolutions. Continue to revamp and set your resolutions all year. Here were suggestions from the article:

*Small and easy* to achieve without much extra effort. For example, start by adding just 10 more minutes of exercise per week (as opposed to the lofty goal of an extra hour, five days per week!).

*Specific and behavior-focused.* "Eat 3 servings of veggies each day" is a specific behavior that you can observe and measure while "eat healthier" is not easy to define.

*Designed with a reward in mind.* Hold off on purchasing that new jacket, gadget or smart phone app until meet your goal of exercising five days per week or completing your first 5K this spring.

*Taken on one at a time.* Overhauling your entire lifestyle at once can be too intense. Don't be afraid to focus on the exercise first, and start to eat healthier foods later (or vice versa).

****Reviewed and revised often.*** Revisit your goals at the end of each week to see how well they're working for you. Don't wait for the entire year to pass before you evaluate your progress or add in a new challenge.

Article: The Worst New Year's Resolutions You Can Make
Start Strong by Starting with the Right Goals
-- By Megan Coatley, Certified Behavior Analyst

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MPETERSON2311 1/8/2013 4:24PM

    I agree- no thought about changing is def. the best way to NOT change.

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MBSHAZZER 1/8/2013 2:25PM

    These are great, and I totally agree with it. Larry is jumped into an exercise resolution head first and of course, got burned out. I keep telling, just go for a walk for an hour. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I honestly think that a lot of Americans have problems with eating and exercising because we (I'm excluding myself from this!) look at things in a black and white manner... either you are training for a marathon or you may as well sit on the couch. Ate a donut for breakfast? May as well keep eating all day. I think we would all be healthier if we realized that every meal and every day is a chance to start fresh!

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AGENTMNA 1/8/2013 8:41AM

    emoticon

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NUTRON3 1/8/2013 8:30AM

    Exactly

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DRB13_1 1/8/2013 7:44AM

    I like your belief that having a goal to shoot for is worthwhile.
"Aim for the moon, even if you don't reach it, you will be amongst the stars."

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PATSYB7 1/8/2013 5:47AM

    Great advice! Thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon

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Positive Energy

Monday, January 07, 2013



Oh boy! Do they ever emoticon

Spark-Coach-Daily Visualization:
***I didn't like the daily visualization question today, but I loved the woo-hoo quote above.

I am so thankful to be a teacher and to go back to work today. I have my own 2 wonderful children at home and have enjoyed them so much over the past 2 weeks, but I am so ready to go and serve and love my classroom kids too.

I have 29 students this year and it has been very difficult. 16 students are below level just on the reading - words - per - minute (WPM)

BUT... I love the challenge (truly) that's not just blowing sunshine. The 2 years since my Ironman Triathlon I have put much more work and effort into my classroom students. I have a group that comes in before school 7:45-8:15 and a group after school 3:10-4:10. This is my "extra" Ironman training and it has felt OH! So good!!! The kids are making so much progress.

SO, I am off to a wonderful place today. With my eating... I almost always make great choices until after school around 4:30 so this evening will be very interesting... SUCCESSFUL.

Off to exercise on the elliptical and get ready for the day ahead.

MAKE IT GREAT SPARK-FRIENDS emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJREIMERS 1/7/2013 8:11PM

    I am a teacher, too! I still enjoy going to "work" after 20 years of teaching special education. We add exercise to our daily routine. We stretch, lift light weights and walk the track. (Most of students stay in the house once they are home.)

Congrats on still loving your job and "kids" at school. Congrats on your Iron Man and keep up the great work! emoticon

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AURORAMILLET 1/7/2013 5:59PM

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MBSHAZZER 1/7/2013 2:51PM

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MPETERSON2311 1/7/2013 10:11AM

    It makes me feel great reading posts from currently teaching teachers like you because even if I took a break at least there are still caring teachers like you out there in the field! Bless you! emoticon

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SUN-SEEKER 1/7/2013 9:37AM

    Teaching takes a special person! Especially to do it with such passion! Thank you for that!! emoticon

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NUTRON3 1/7/2013 9:21AM

    You go!!!!

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CUBBYMAMMA 1/7/2013 9:15AM

    I love hearing about the teachers who ARE in the right place - because there's just nothing more important that you can do! You might be the one person that day who gives your 'kids' at school something positive, something that says Hey You Matter, or helps throw on that light switch.
It's huge - and it is inspiring to feel your positive energy that you take into your classroom emoticon

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TDEMAIO2 1/7/2013 8:22AM

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CAT609 1/7/2013 7:26AM

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CAT609 1/7/2013 7:26AM

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