Saturday, May 05, 2012
So... I am a *crazy* person and everyone who knows me knows that. Well... Some people may not know that because of my crazy, weird life and personality for as long as I can remember I have felt a little depressed and at times severely depressed. I've never thought of it really as THAT serious, but... I had some crazy coping skills that helped me deny it.
I have always been completely unafraid of DEATH. I "accidentally" took too many pills when I was 16 and ended up in the hospital. I remember being afraid of guns, because I might use one on myself. I remember thinking whatever... "if I die, then I die".
I remember an ex-boyfriend threatening to kill me several times and thinking, "Go for it" I'll be in a better place and this tormenting life will be over.
Even as recently as 2-3 years ago, a therapist triggered some crazy feelings inside of me, and I remember feeling completely suicidal. So....
When just a few days ago I caught myself saying, "I want to LIVE" it was MONUMENTAL... I don't remember EVER saying this to myself or anyone else.
I want to take better care of myself and live healthier. I want to be a better wife and mother to my kids. I want to be more present in the life I am living. I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to experience more joy, and I feel more prepared to deal with sorrow. I want to "Be" and "Be" apart of others lives.
I... Want to Live.