Monday, August 17, 2009
Where am I, Im feeling like i have lost myself. Why cant i seem to do this anymore. I did some well for so long and now i cant seem to find me or to find the way back on track. I feel like i am just excisitng again in life and not really living i just feel like i cant cope anymore with my life and the stresses have taken there toll in a big way. I have no control over ANYTHING and maybe thats why i am strugglign becuase i at least have control over that but then when i think of it i dont have control otherwise i wouldnt be self sabatoging myself. I feel so sad and depressed i am disappointed in myself . I havent eaten healthy in days and i havent done any exercise where i am actually doing it for health reasons i mean i stil lwalk and stuff but not by choice only cause i have to. I dont do the thigns i normally do anymore and then scale has gone up by alot and in fact i am too ashamed to even tell anyone. The other day my mom said" are you putting on weight" hahha if she can notice then obviously its not just a little weight how depressing is that . I dont come on here as all i do is complain i mean man i get tired of listening to me complain so i can only imagine how you all feel listening t it. I know you al lsay not to apologize or not to feel bad like i am being a burden but i do feel GUILTY i am not doing what i am suppose to be doing and i am afraid i will only taint and bring down others with my negativity .Then i come on here and read that its my sparkaversary for one year and it kills me to think that i am not where i should be today. Dont get me wrong i have come along way since i have joined sparks a year ago but not am i just going back to that unhealthy overweight person i once was. That scares me to death.Anyways just a little as to where i am at right now please someone let me know how to get back i want to get back but feel like i dont know how to get there.