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my hurdles of weight lose

Thursday, September 03, 2009

For just over a year i have been on an incredibly journey. One that has taught me many things about life and myself. For along time i did exceptionally well but then it happened. Life that is and when thigns got tough my stress level grew and before i knew it there was a very big hurdle in my way. One i wasnt sure i could climb to the top and over to the other side. I struggled for many days and as thigns got tougher i ran and hide deeper inside myself thus making that hurdle that much bigger to over come. Although i sturggled and boy did i struggle and i did slip back some one thing i NEVER did was to admit defeat and i NEVER chose to give up . I was goingto beat this and although it is going to be a struggle for a bit and although i maybe have bad days i am goingto start and focus on breaking down those hurdles. For me i think breaking that barrier will mean reaching out to others instead of hiding and learning that i am human and i wont always be perfect. I need to love myself and i will learn that when i do make mistakes it ok and i will learn to forgive myself and to not be so hard on myself. I know i am a good person and should stop thinking that i deserve all the horrible stuff that i have happened to me. I think hurdles will be there along the way but how i chose to deal with them will make the difference in weather i get over them or let them bury me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NATURALSOAPGIRL 9/4/2009 11:54AM

    The hurdle... there will always be one. Whether or not you can jump it depends on your state of mind. Staying positive ALWAYS will help you to see past the hurdle to the amazing things that await you on the other side. Fall down 7 times, get back up 8, right?

I have a feeling this BL season is YOUR season, Lesley. DON'T ALLOW everything else to get in your way. Plow through - stay strong. We're all here for you. ROAAARRR!

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BOUNCY2 9/4/2009 8:54AM

    Great Blog ......you sure have came along way Lesley....keep it up....that beauiful woman is looking right at you...in your mirror..love ya!

Bouncy

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RAINBOWMF 9/4/2009 8:24AM

    You have the strength to keep going. You found wisdom and happiness, remember that! I know that you found YOURSELF on this journey and you are never going to lose YOU!!!!
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa to Lesley, she is a winner!

Hugssssssssssssss Mary

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B-N-ME 9/4/2009 8:20AM

    You are so correct. Somethings that happen in life we can't forget, but we (Me included) make the mistake of giving those memories our power...we let them control how we feel about ourselves and in turn how we project, and impact our lives from day to day...we cannot take it back, we may not be able to forget it, but what I FINALLY learned last year was to put it where it belongs IN THE PAST!!!
You have said it, you are a good person, you have come far..keep your eyes and focus on what is ahead of you and you will see GREAT things!!!!
You have a wonderful support group here...use them, they want to hear and help you!

Liz

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BANANIE41 9/4/2009 7:27AM

    YEAH Lesley!!!

As long as we just keep at it, we will get there - it might take a while, but so be it! You have come so far and don't ever forget that!!!

Hugs to you,

Annie

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BARBARAROSE54 9/4/2009 6:30AM

    I am so proud of you Lesley, you are not a person to give up. Reach out to your SP pals, we are hear to help you, blog whenever you are having troubles, that always helps.

Life's journey is never smooth, there will always be bumps and hills and mountains to climb, some are are harder climb/struggle than others.

You are the most important person in your life, others need and depend on you, therefore you need to make your life a healthy one, for you and others. You deserve all the best that life has to offer and never forget that.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOLAJO54 9/4/2009 12:36AM

    emoticon
Remember the girl in the mirror emoticon

we are on this journey together Lesley... not beating ourselves up
just doing it.


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I think I'm ready, NOOO wait I KNOW I'M READY

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Hi there i know its been awhile and thigns have been hectic i have struggled to find my way back, but i am ready. I am scared yes because i think what if i cant but i know i have to say to myself I CAN and I WILL. I wish i could find a balloon to release into the air. I would release with it all the negative thoughts. I would release all the guilty and anxiety i have had about my life and about the recent weight gain. I know i am not perfect and i made bad choices. I have gained weight but i am now going to accept that and move forward. I release the myself of the guilt and except my mistakes and will use them as a learning curve. Although i have made poor choices i have also made some good ones too and i have done very well considering all that i have had to deal with in my life. The best choice i am making is to come back to take baby steps to forgive myself and to know that i am not a failure or that i am bad for making those choices. I know i am loved her and i thank you all for your love and patience and mostly for never giving up on me and for continuing to support me no matter what. So here i am today with my divatude and ready to start over. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATSMOM1 9/3/2009 10:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Very well said, we know you can do it. Life happens and sometimes we slip and fall but the important thing is getting up again and moving forward. Let's get on with this journey together.

Comment edited on: 9/3/2009 10:16:21 PM

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LOLAJO54 9/3/2009 9:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon go Lesley go!
Divatude all the way buddy!
emoticon Jo

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RAINBOWMF 9/3/2009 7:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

We are here waiting for you! We have missed you ! I knew in my emoticon you would soon be back!

emoticon emoticon lets get busy!

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BARBARAROSE54 9/3/2009 5:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Yes... for you Lesley, love the visual... release all the negative thoughts, they just weigh you down.

I know you can and I know you will get our old Lesley back, our losing machine !

love ya,
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEACHWALKER86 9/3/2009 5:12PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
For you, Leslie!
What a great visual....let all the negative go, keep the positive. We have missed you and are here for you.
emoticon

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Where am I ? i seem to have lost my way

Monday, August 17, 2009

Where am I, Im feeling like i have lost myself. Why cant i seem to do this anymore. I did some well for so long and now i cant seem to find me or to find the way back on track. I feel like i am just excisitng again in life and not really living i just feel like i cant cope anymore with my life and the stresses have taken there toll in a big way. I have no control over ANYTHING and maybe thats why i am strugglign becuase i at least have control over that but then when i think of it i dont have control otherwise i wouldnt be self sabatoging myself. I feel so sad and depressed i am disappointed in myself . I havent eaten healthy in days and i havent done any exercise where i am actually doing it for health reasons i mean i stil lwalk and stuff but not by choice only cause i have to. I dont do the thigns i normally do anymore and then scale has gone up by alot and in fact i am too ashamed to even tell anyone. The other day my mom said" are you putting on weight" hahha if she can notice then obviously its not just a little weight how depressing is that . I dont come on here as all i do is complain i mean man i get tired of listening to me complain so i can only imagine how you all feel listening t it. I know you al lsay not to apologize or not to feel bad like i am being a burden but i do feel GUILTY i am not doing what i am suppose to be doing and i am afraid i will only taint and bring down others with my negativity .Then i come on here and read that its my sparkaversary for one year and it kills me to think that i am not where i should be today. Dont get me wrong i have come along way since i have joined sparks a year ago but not am i just going back to that unhealthy overweight person i once was. That scares me to death.Anyways just a little as to where i am at right now please someone let me know how to get back i want to get back but feel like i dont know how to get there.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITRAE1 8/18/2009 8:24AM

    Please listen to your friends' advice here - you are loved and cared about by so many people. I'm proud of your for having made it to the one year mark and that you are here!!! emoticon Not everyone does that, and it is something to be very proud of. emoticon

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-LORI-B 8/18/2009 8:20AM

    ((((((Lesley)))))) Everyone has basicly said what I was thinking anyway.
Im struggling myself at times. I wont pretend to know how you feel.. you have been thru so much crazy stuff.. I guess the key is to remember where you were and how far you have come. Im in total agreement on getting to a doctor and also go back and re-rerad your blogs.. Its an excellent idea.
We love you and miss you.. We want and NEED you back with us. We are a special family.. we are here to laugh, cry, scream & shout with eachother thru the good times & the bad. The best part...there is no passing judgement in our family.
Love ya girl!
Lori

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CHRISJAKE 8/17/2009 8:24PM

    Lesley everyone has given you some GREAT advice. I'm sorry to say that I don't really have advice for you, I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel to a degree.

I really hope you can find the old you again becuase I do miss talking and laughing with you.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!!!

HUGS

Chantell
e

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HEART4ADVENTURE 8/17/2009 8:01PM

    Lesley, your blog is for you so write away whatever you feel and never hide, those of us who come to visit your blog care what you have to say, and what your going through. depression can be a terrible thing, if that is what you are going through, Lord knows I've had my share of it, and hormones plummeted, etc so shan is right about the hormone flunctuations possibly playing a role. Some tools that help get you re-focused and ignite that spark again, is maybe go back over blogs, and tracking to see where you were and what you were doing when you were in the 'feel good state", that for me was an eye opening ...... you'll get there, one day at a time, as for me, I can't recall a day I have felt 'rested" in 3 years, so to get any activity it is a "Mind over Matter" i have to just push myself no matter how tired, sluggish, depressed I am. So do whatever it takes whatever works for you.

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SHANSHE 8/17/2009 7:51PM

    Lesley! Good news, i went to the doc today and she is doing blood work - we are the same age right or there abouts -35, 36 in Nov.)? ANYWAY, she said that at this age our hormones often do a SHIFT and it can cause depression and all kinds of stuff!!! We are entering what is known the the peri-menopause stage. Geesh, nice to know, huh?

ANYWAY, GO TO THE DOCTOR... PLEASE!!!!!!! They can do bloodwork to check your hormone levels and your thyroid and all that stuff that needs to be checked! Then, they can go from there. Do this for YOU Lesley, we love you and we need you to stay with you.

Hugs and more hugs,
Shan

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MOTHER-NATURE 8/17/2009 7:18PM

    Lesley you have been given some very good words of wisdom emoticon emoticon

Niki

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RAINBOWMF 8/17/2009 5:47PM

    Lesley you do not bring us down, we all jump at the chance to help.
You asked for help and you get it.
We all have different reasons that get us or have gotten us to where you are right now. BUT believe me we have been there.

We all deal with it differently too, some retreat to their bedrooms for a while , some go on eating binges, some cry at the drop of a hat, some need meds to get over the down feeling.
Talking to a good pal that just listens is good but if you do not have someone like that do what Barbara and Jo say and get to a Dr. and get to a counselling session just for you.

We love you! You have come so far, don't let your self go back to the Lesley you were when we meant you, remember the one who did not look in a mirror? this will not help you.
In fact where will it get you? Think about that? Where will it get you.

Come on Girl talk to us, we want to help.

Love & Kisses
Mary

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LOLAJO54 8/17/2009 5:29PM

    Lesley _OMG Do I need to come up there and kick your A** ... I will..
Now listen to Barb and get to your doctor . You have gone thru a lot this year and need to talk to someone.. and maybe even some meds for awhile..
Then you can deal with all your stress and start looking after you again..
A year has gone by yes and you have done sooo much let's nip this in the bud before it get's any worse...PLEASE go talk to someone
Try to get back to posting and yes ask us to listen in blogs and e-mails what ever it takes we are here to listen to just send you prayers or offer some adivse.
Try to listen to the advise and try out some of it out - to see if it helps.

But mostly go talk to your doctor -- this is not a shameful thing my dear you need to get back to looking after you and not everyone else..

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BARBARAROSE54 8/17/2009 5:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Lesley, I've done this to myself so many times in my life it isn't even funny. And no matter how hard I would try to get back to losing, or feeling like I'm a somebody, I just felt miserable and turned to food for my comfort.

I wish I had a magical wand to help you get back to being the happy Lesley that you were, but I don't. Are you medically depressed? If you are it's time to visit your doctor. I know cause I've been in that place in my life before too..... yes he put me on meds to start with cause alot of times depression is a mixup of chemicals in your body, so the meds help to get things back in order and they aren't addictive... so once I got myself straightened out that way I then requested going to see someone to talk. This was one of the smartest things I'd done.

It was so nice to sit and just talk about me and my life and not have someone criticizing me, the more I talked the better I felt.

I'm here anytime you want to talk. You take care. Will keep you in my prayers.

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A blog inspried by Mary

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ok so i came online to read the boards and Mary wanted me to blog my feelings so here i sit and i will try to do that . Problem is my mind just races and latley everything in there is jumbled or irational. I feel like my whole life is takign a dive and sometimes i feel like i am losing the battle of life and to make my life just a little worse i am making bad choices when it comes to my journey and i am beating myself up real bad about this. To top it all off i found out that if we werent to get apporved tyo care for our grandson michael that he could get sent out of town and we will have very little if any contact with him and this devastes me. I mean i can stand to think that our grandson will grow up not evening knowing we exsist. Jo you being a new grandma i bet you cant imagine not being in his life so this saddens me deeply. I am struggling in every part of my life and just want to peace and happiness . I kinda felt bad coming here blogging every day as i felt like i was complianing all the time and didnt want to bring this strong team down. I know i have probbly let my other team down too. ypu know i try to be a good person and lead a good life but sometimes specially right now i feel like i am being punished for something. i really dont know how much i can take. I feel alone and sad and i know i am not alone and do have thigns to be thankful for but things are so difficult and i just cant take much more heart ache and dissappointment.Anyways just a little of what i am feelign latey thansk for listening.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

QUEENANNE1953 7/30/2009 4:49PM

    ditto ..see previous blog

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LOLAJO54 7/30/2009 3:27PM

    oops comments on the first draft below

hugs Jo

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SUZYBGOOD 7/30/2009 2:28PM

    My thoughts and prayers do truly go out to you. I do so truly understand. My husband and I had no way to adopt or care for my stepdaughter's child. And it kills us to know that he will be 10 this year. I so truly understand and can only hope things go in your favor. This is not the time to let yourself go, this is the time to concentrate and focus on your health your life as well. I would like to give strong words of encouragement, but not knowing and facing reality, all I can say is that we are here for you. It all sounds so cliche, so routine, but truly no matter the outcome and how hard it is you must continue with your own health. If the outcome is less than satisfactory, you must be strong, I know, the hurts of the loss never really goes away and if you don't stay strong, if you don't have/get support, It will tear you apart. If I were there with you I would say these same things, find a pastor or friend or just getting on sparkpeople and finding someone to motivate. Find a different outlet don't run away from support and don't ever feel as if you have let people down on a team. This is why we are a team. Truly if we are here for support here to listen and here to help you stay healthy. The teams are the support and just fun ways to get healthy, no real big deal. Lesley, take care of you.

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CHRISJAKE 7/29/2009 11:22PM

    AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

> emoticon

I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I don't have any magic words or anything really that will help you. I just wanted to let you know that I care deeply about you and hope that things get better for you. If writing things down like this helps you, then do it. Everyone on here loves you and wants the best for you. We are all here for you whenever you need us. If you need just someone to listen, you know my adress....If you want to vent, go ahead. Whatever you need to make it through, do it.

Just know that me and everyone else here are always here when you need us. that's what family is for.

LOVE YOU!!!

HUGS

Chantelle

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RAINBOWMF 7/29/2009 11:05PM

    Comment below

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A blog inspried by Mary

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ok so i came online to read the boards and Mary wanted me to blog my feelings so here i sit and i will try to do that . Problem is my mind just races and latley everything in there is jumbled or irational. I feel like my whole life is takign a dive and sometimes i feel like i am losing the battle of life and to make my life just a little worse i am making bad choices when it comes to my journey and i am beating myself up real bad about this. To top it all off i found out that if we werent to get apporved tyo care for our grandson michael that he could get sent out of town and we will have very little if any contact with him and this devastes me. I mean i can stand to think that our grandson will grow up not evening knowing we exsist. Jo you being a new grandma i bet you cant imagine not being in his life so this saddens me deeply. I am struggling in every part of my life and just want to peace and happiness . I kinda felt bad coming here blogging every day as i felt like i was complianing all the time and didnt want to bring this strong team down. I know i have probbly let my other team down too. ypu know i try to be a good person and lead a good life but sometimes specially right now i feel like i am being punished for something. i really dont know how much i can take. I feel alone and sad and i know i am not alone and do have thigns to be thankful for but things are so difficult and i just cant take much more heart ache and dissappointment.Anyways just a little of what i am feelign latey thansk for listening.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

QUEENANNE1953 7/30/2009 4:10PM

    Lesley emoticon emoticon emoticon

You have to have an outlet to air your feelings .. whether they are good or bad .. and WE here at BLAHC are your outlet. Don't ever forget that. Our main goal is to support, encourage, motivate, and offer comfort when needed.

One thing that will not help the situation is to give up on yourself. We don't know why life isn't always fair .. but we do know that we have to be strong .. as only the strong survive. We have to dig deep and pluck up the courage to accept certain things that we may not be able to change.

You ARE a strong, beautiful and special lady and you must never forget that. Only a strong person can meet your accomplishment of removing an amazing 100+ pounds .. you have come so far in getting yourself fit and healthy; too far to stop now.

Time will tell how things will work out with your grandson and other stumbling blocks in your life. But whatever the outcome .... you must never, ever give up. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Better will come .... you are worth it and you deserve it ...

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend ..
God Bless you.

emoticon
Anne

Comment edited on: 7/30/2009 4:20:49 PM

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LOLAJO54 7/30/2009 3:20PM

    Okay I have not read the other responses will after..

Lesley YOU DO NOT DISAPPOINT US --NO ONE!!! YOU ARE HUMAN LIFE HAPPENS YOU LEARN FROM IT! PLEASE OH PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED US! NEVER! EVER!

Okay that said - hope you feel better by getting out some feeling - Wish I could be there just to hug you... and tell you things will work out..but I can not..Things might not work out... You will be strong You will live through this and You will be wiser for it! My one sis never got to see her one grandson and then her one son never got to see his first grandson. Yes it does hurt like hell and it is hell! They made it through and when the child is 16 they will be told of their grandparents and can contact them if they wish or vice versa... now it is too late for my sis as she passed away maybe with a slightly broken heart but she went ... and lived the best life she could...so will you... if the worse thing happens...

Stop dwelling on the negative think of the positive.. -- He will be healthy He will be loved by you and all.. who look after him! You will get to see him -come hell or hight water you will make it happen... Be strong be confident be not afraid..

Yes if my grandson was taken from me I would follow and never give up till the battle was won.. but YOU must be strong YOU must be determined but mostly my dear you must make the best choices for you and your family and the first choice should be to look after YOU! Number one priority is YOU! Make it so...

emoticon emoticon Jo

Lesley --just read the responses-- I think they said it well for you--please read the response from your first friend (oops forgot her call name) she had an experience somewhat like you. Trust in yourself.. put strength in your life!

Comment edited on: 7/30/2009 3:26:16 PM

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BARBARAROSE54 7/30/2009 12:06AM

    I just can't imagine what you are going through, but one thing I know and is that you need to stop blaming yourself.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWMF 7/29/2009 10:35PM

    Lesley this is not easy by any means.
My heart aches for you. You have been through so much.
I am here for you. Your feelings are all natural. This is what you need to understand.
I know that you can't understand the why of everything right now but time will help you get through all this.

I know your friends will have better things to say to you then I can. I am not good with words. BUT I have lots of hugs and understanding.

We are your support and you need not feel bad about blogging, it helps and you get so many comments to help you.

I will probably be back with more on this blog.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Mary

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KATAKITOMOTSIN 7/29/2009 10:33PM

    Dearest Leslie,

My heart goes out to you. I truly understand your feelings in respect to your grandson. In fact it brings back so many memories, it brings tears to my eyes thinking of how you must be feeling.

Nine years ago less 3 months, I went through basically the same thing. My daughter whom I love with all my heart was going through some what I call growing pains. She refused to let me see my one and only grandson, who is so very precious to me. Her reasoning was that of a child at the time. "No he is mine, I don't want to listen to anyone. She had at the time very few mothering skills.

That has past, thank the Lord, and she has been blessed with two daughters also.
At the time my heart was breaking. It seemed unbearable. Within 6 mo. my son-in-law, bless his heart, made sure I saw my grandson. Her opinions soon changed and she has grown emotionally a great deal since then. There are still things I get concerned about, problems she deals with, one being obesity, and depression.

I have faith in her, and faith in God leading her down the right path. She also suffers from PTSS. Sometimes it is hard not to try to help, but she must learn on her own.

I hope and pray your grandson will not be taken from you. Pray hard, God listens, really. Don't let your own health suffer due to this. That won't make matters better.
If the depression gets to much, talk to your Dr. about possible help. It is out there. I had to do just that.

Most of all Leslie dear, don't blame yourself. I am glad you wrote this blog. Maybe I can be of help to you through this, especially if you need someone to talk to. God Bless Leslie, and have faith. The main thing to focus on is the well being and happiness of your grandson. That is a hard thing to accept, especially when the thought of loosing him looms in the background. I am praying for you, so hard.

emoticon emoticon

Maggie

Stop by my Spark Page and check out my photos to see pictures of my Grandchildren.

Comment edited on: 7/29/2009 10:37:26 PM

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