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emotional wreck

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I know you all want me to come to the boards and ask for support but its hard for me right now. I am an emotional wreck and this about all i can do for now. i cant stop crying all day. Mary i know your so right i need to take care of me but i feel so sad and alone i find it hard to even do that right now. I hate that i am not who i want to be , or who i am really and that all i do is complain but i am truly have a very tough time and just feel like i have lsot all my strength lately to be strong. I thought maybe blogging would help. I know u all tell me if anything at least let you know where i am at and at this time i am not in a good place. Its 2 days before Christmas and i LOVE christmas more then when i was a kid but this year i just want ot pack it up and sleep through it like it doesnt exsist my heart is hurting so much . I feel like i am in a crowded mall and everyone walks through me like i dont exsist or i am drowning and no one can hear my cries for help.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHANSHE 1/11/2010 5:10PM

I know I am late in getting here, but I have read all your blogs from the last one I missed and my heart hurts for you. Christmas is over, the New Year has started. Are you feeling any better, have you went to the doctor for help? I know in the emotional state you were in when you wrote this, it would have been really hard to make yourself get up and go to the doctor. However, this is something you REALLY need to do for you, for your hubby, for your little girl, but mainly for you. Please, if you haven't, go to the doctor.

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BLUESMURF_BS 1/2/2010 9:15PM

  i am here for ya Lesley. I know you can do it. If ya need a push i will help you out. Hugz Kyle emoticon

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BARBARAROSE54 12/24/2009 9:52PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Hope you can get into your doctor and get help, sounds like a very deep depression, but only a doctor can diagnose you.

Just know that you are loved !

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-LORI-B 12/24/2009 12:07PM

    emoticon.. Im sorry you are having a rough time these days. There isnt much else I can say that hasnt been said..Remember you are loved and cared for.
Loves ya, Lori

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MOTHER-NATURE 12/24/2009 5:26AM

    Lesley emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JOYFULWRITER 12/23/2009 11:52PM

    I have also had a hard time getting ready for Christmas. This will be our fist Christmas without my daughter Roberta who died in September. I just have to keep going because of my two daughters. It is hard some times. I wish I could cry, but I have a hard time crying.
I keep posting, even though I am not able to work the program like I want to.
We love you Lesley and need to support you all we can. Email me if you want to share your feelings. You can also go to my web page, and read about how I felt I was in sinking sand and other writings I wrote when I was hurting.

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LOLAJO54 12/23/2009 10:16PM

    Lesley -- really not much more for me to say that these ladies already haven't said .... I agree --you need to get to your doctor and get on proper meds that will help you... Fast my dear fast.
Yes please e-mail any of us so we can be there for you even if it is just to let you write and we read..

I will e-mail you..
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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QUEENANNE1953 12/23/2009 9:42PM

    Life is not easy .. there are so many ups and downs. Some can handle it .. others can't.

We are all here for you Lesley my dear but it is quite obvious you need a ittle more than we can give. Depression, as you know, must be dealt with from within .. listen to Mary .. seek professional help.

I hope things will get better for you. You must remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE WOMAN ... YOU CAN BE STRONG ...

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWMF 12/23/2009 9:08PM

    Lesley, A while back we told you to get to the Dr. to get some meds, you told us you were headed for a dark place , sweetie you are in it now. Christmas is one of the worst times of the year for people who suffer with depression. You need to know that we are here for you, I know you feel us. I know how you feel, you have no strength to do anything but what YOU have to do on a daily bases, I know because I have been there too.

I know you are in pain. I know you feel sadness.

I am like Linda and after I while, I give my head a shake, there are so many people that have problems so much greater then mine. So, I put one foot in front of the other, take deep breaths and get back to making myself feel better.

Lesley, you know you need help, please go to the Dr. and get it.

E-mail any of us we are here for you.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WINTER20101 12/23/2009 8:17PM

    Lesley I do not know what is really going on...i just know that my heart goes out to you..i see a very smart and warm and caring person in sound like you are in a deep depression for some reason...i hope and pray that you will check it out..just know that when you are ready we are all here for you....i have been there and done just have to find something to lift you out....for me i just look around and look at other peoples problems and always kinda snaps me out...If you ever want to talk iam a email away and i can always give you my home number and cell....

Yes we worrie about you you are part of our board family and very special.....wish at times like this we all lived close where we could just hug and have a special touch instead of syber..but that is not the case.....just know that you are special and what ever you are going through you will make it.....believe in that.....just pull your strenght up .. MY prayers are always with you.....i pray that you wil have a change of heart and you will wake up to a wonderful day ya emoticon emoticon

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CIAOBELLA57 12/23/2009 8:04PM

    I feel the same way; in fact I was fantasizing how I would like to really spend the next 6 days I am off from work in a sanitarium sleeping all day. Always feel free to post what you feel, because there might be someone lurking out there feeling as isolated and invisible as you do, and knowing that they are not alone or different could make a world of difference.

I call it the "alice in wonderland falling down the rabbit hole' periods of my life, and the hardest part during those times is to speak either in conversation or the written word.
But both can help stop the spiral downward, and no one will EVER think you are complaining; you're in pain, and most of us understand that pain.


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CHRISJAKE 12/23/2009 7:39PM

    I know somewhat how you feel, but probably not to the extent that you are at right now. I know you think that we will get sick of you complaining or something, but I promise you we won't. We are your friends and we want you to be happy and right now you are not. We want to help you in any way we can.

I wish you could come here and complain all you want and we will help, but I know you don't feel comfortable doing that right now. May be Sparkmail some of us just to vent, or to ask for help???

Friends are meant to help us, and right now that's what we want to do for you. We don't want you to feel the way you do and we would do just about anything to help you out.

I hope that you can find the strength to come post and let us help you in any way we can. We love you and want to see you happy.

Love you girl!!! We all do!!!



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People can be so MEAN

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sometimes people do thigns that make you shake you head and wonder why they would do something so mean. E few weeks back we went to my store christmas party and each group or couple got there photos taken including hubby and I.Then one of the people on the committee made up an album and got two of every picture done so each person could have a copy. Well once i got a chance to look through the album thee was no pictures of hubby and i only a whole page that was empty. I thought maybe they just forgot to put it in there but there wasa pic of everybody but us. So when i asked the person in charge she insisted that we were in the album so we double checked. ANother of my coworkers also indicated that i was in the album but upn looking no pictures. It seems as thought someone had removed the pictures of us out of the album it made me fee sad that someone would be so mean and heartless to do such a thing. What was even sadder as at first i thought maybe someone thought i looked to terrible in the picture for anyone else to look at. Anways just wanted to vent about it as it has been bugging me latley.Thanks for listening

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUESMURF_BS 1/2/2010 9:18PM

  that is sooo cruel of them, how could someone be like that emoticon Kyle

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PRESENTTIME 12/20/2009 7:03PM

    I am so sorry your hurting. The thing to remember is your not the one with the problem. The person who made the decision and took your picture out the the album. Let it go.

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UP-4-A-CHANGE 12/16/2009 10:27AM

    I am so sorry try not to let it get to you, you are doing great keep on moving don't get stuck people are meaner then they think sometimes emoticon

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B-N-ME 12/14/2009 9:20PM

I'm with Jo on this one! You can talk yourself into believe whatever negative things you want to can forget it!!!!
Is it really worth getting yourself so worked up over.
Look how far you have come!! Look at what a kind and loving person you are, and the blessings you have in your life!
FOCUS on what matters! That is you and those you love, and doing what you need to do to feel healthy, and good about yourself!
Ive been there done that and it gets you NO WHERE but deeper in self pity and sad feelings. Count your blessings, I guarantee they are many!!!

HUGZ to you beautiful lady!


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LOLAJO54 12/14/2009 8:59PM

    Lesley stop that negative thoughts!!! now!
There are probably lots of reason's this happened ..
but on that note if it was done deliberate then you know what it was because they were/are jealous of the love you and your husband share your great sexy smile.. and a mulitude of reason twisted people have.. forget - a- bout- it....
Now I know your feelings are valid so please let me tell you cry get angry -writing this down was let it go..
We love you my dear
emoticon Jo

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RAINBOWMF 12/14/2009 6:14PM

    Ahhhhhhhhh I have never heard of anything so mean when it come to pictures. Now lets look at the bright side of it, maybe someone has a secret crush on you and they wanted the picture for their very own.

Lesley I am glad you bloged this,do not let it bother you to the point that you think negative things about yourself.

You are beautiful and you know it.

Hugs Mary

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WINTER20101 12/14/2009 6:04PM

    Leslie so sad that someone could do that to anyone....exspcialy a sweet lady like you.....Just look at the source and just know you are a beautiful woman...Maybe it was a mix up like Foxxygrl82 said could be.....let us all hope that was the case...


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BARBARAROSE54 12/14/2009 4:50PM

    Ahhh Lesley, that is mean. Glad you got it off your chest and hopefully you can forget about it.

emoticon emoticon

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ROCKINFOX 12/14/2009 4:36PM

    I'm sorry to hear that! I hope that it was just a mix up or someone accidently took your photo instead of theirs. I would hope that people are not that mean. emoticon

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I need to save MY life

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

One thing that really stood out on Bl last night was when the one guy, sorry his name for some reason escapes me said he needed to save his life. Laltey thats one thing i have been talking alot about with my husband. I am so afraid that if i dont make changes nowi will be gone sooner then later. Then i worry that what if the damage is irreversible i mean ok i can lose weight but if all the food that i shouldnt eaten has caused bloackages and stuff that doesnt go away and you dont know about these problems till you have a heart attack and if your lucky you wont die the first time. I said to my husband what if the only sign that there is a blockage is by that heartattack but i am not luck. Its not like i can go to the doctor and ask her to check for blockages.My father died one week after his 48th birthday and his dad died at 33 both of cardiac arrest. This scares me to death. I might as well go shopping now for a casket if i am going to continue this destructive behaviour.So its time to save ME. I am always trying to coach others and i talk to my best friend about doing something for her. I try to save her and everyone else but what about ME i should be trying to save ME. if i dont no one will and with 40 fast approaching i need to take a serious approach and get what i started out to do done.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

B-N-ME 12/12/2009 12:04PM

    You are worth whatever it takes Lesley...
I love to do for others and have told and now believe that if you dont look after yourself you are no good to anyone in the end!
You have alot of support here, you are loved.
Grab hold to whatever you need to and make it happen!
You have the power, make the change!!!


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QUEENANNE1953 12/10/2009 10:51AM

    Lesley .. nothing more for me to say .. you said it all. You know what to do so that you don't follow in dad and granddad's footsteps .. so just do it. YOU KNOW YOU CAN .. because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!1

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/10/2009 10:53:48 AM

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UP-4-A-CHANGE 12/9/2009 12:50PM

    you can do it hun! emoticon emoticon

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LOLAJO54 12/9/2009 12:05PM

    Lesley you are right YOU must save YOU! The time is now not tomorrow or next week but today ... pick up your one leg and put it in front of the other and keep moving then decleanse that house of yours so there are no bad foods ...this will not only help you but your daughter and your husband.. do it!

Now I think you can go to your doctor tell her the family history tell her of your symtoms- if you have any... then ask her to send you for the test... my bil's doc wouldn't send him so he just went to another town and went to the hospital.. He saw a cardiologists and had the tests needed..
This will put your mind at ease .. Any eating damage done can be undone with healthy eating and exercise.... so get at it.. no more worring about what might be or could be.. do it! now.

with loving emoticon Jo

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CHRISJAKE 12/9/2009 11:36AM

    I'm glad you have finally realized this. You are the most important person right now. If you don't take care of yourself, you know what might happen. You know you can do it and we are all here to support you. We love you and want you to be the best person you can be.



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MOTHER-NATURE 12/9/2009 11:24AM

    I'm not here to scare you my friend, but Lesley we need to get with our program starting RIGHT NOW !!!! or both you and myself included will be facing an early death.



Comment edited on: 12/9/2009 11:30:34 AM

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RAINBOWMF 12/9/2009 7:07AM

    Lesley this is very good food for thought.
You know the dangers, it is time to
make a difference in your life.
You can do it. Food does not have to rule
your life, you have been letting it.
Change your ways, no excuses, just do it.
I know you will!
I need to join you.

Hugs Mary

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Whats eating me

Friday, November 27, 2009

As many of you know i have been under a great deal of stress for a very long time.Life has always been somewhat stressful for us but about 2 years ago it got that more stressful.Things happened in our lives and if i told you what it was you would pick your jaw off the ground it was a very devasting and life altering event that has forever changed how our family is. For over 2 years we have been batteling thigns out with court and there seems to be no end in sight. Add the stress of finances , bills, a new job for hubby, having one of my sons living hundreds of miles away and a grandson too being so far away doesnt help.Then i have son who stuggles with bi polar disorder and can be a challenge to deal with who has stopped going to to school and then lost his job so this only adds to the fire. Latley everyday is a struggleto do even the basic of things. i go to bed early to get up many times throughout the night leaving me feeling tired and cranky then latley hubby has been working long long hours and sometimes i feel he does over his call of duty and then we have been fighting the rest of the time. I feel alone and sad and then i eat making a whole new set of problems. It breaks my heart that i have put this much weight back on and it frustrates me that i cant seem to get back to where i need to be. So for me its not any one given thing for me latley its been EVERYTHING. i dont mean to vent so long but just trying to help you understand whats eating me. Like i said if you knew ven more of the situation you would wonder how i am not in the loony bin lol. Its been tough and i just hope things start to change cuase i just cant take much more stress.Thanks for listening

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RAINBOWMF 12/9/2009 7:05AM


Comment edited on: 12/9/2009 7:08:32 AM

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UP-4-A-CHANGE 11/29/2009 2:39PM

    I have to say this sounds like I wrote most of this I have been really feeling it with all of hubbies working out of town and just everything I am really trying hard to look at all the good and not the bad so I wont keep adding to my stress We can get through this a step at a time lets get to the top or close to it again girl!

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MYSONG 11/28/2009 7:38PM

    Those skeletons in our closets can sometimes be such a burden. But you know what? They're just a bunch of dried up old bones. They can't stand on there own so we have to learn not to support them anymore. It happened; you're dealing with it; but it doesn't own you.
My prayer for you is that you will see and feel the sun in each day. It's always there even when the clouds get in the way. Sometimes we just have to remember what it looks and feels like for a little while.

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RAINBOWMF 11/28/2009 11:58AM

    Lesley you have had some good advice here.
We all hope you can find something here that will
help light your spark again.
Love Mary

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CHRISJAKE 11/28/2009 9:12AM

    Lesley we are ALWAYS here to listen, vent away!!!

I am sooo sorry you're going through so much and all I can do is offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on if you ever need it.

Hugs and prayers to you hun....


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B-N-ME 11/28/2009 8:47AM

    Hey Lesley,
I'm sorry that you have been given this load to carry.
I have had alot to bear lately and have not been posting because it just felt like one more stresser to try and keep up with. The group is great, understand and as you know here to support you.
Believe in you, in your power and you will find a way through this.
Lately for me things have just been too much, and so I have had to let some things go... but I am trying to keep me in as healthy a state of mind as I can. Perhaps it is only 30 minutes or whatever I can manage, but if I am well enough a brisk walk alone makes me feel better, maybe just that 30 minutes of solitude doing something you enjoy would help?
A dear friend of mine, who is no longer bearing the burdens of this earth, used to say to dear, no where in the Bible does it say it came to says it came to pass, and your burdens, though heavy will pass....
Those words are with me always. Knowing that this is a season in life, and though unbearable I will get through it and perhaps learn, or help another keeps me going.
You are strong and resourceful from the sound of it. Just don't lose YOU in the midst of the storm!
Hang in there Lesley, vent whenever you need...this is a safe place to let it out.



Comment edited on: 11/28/2009 8:47:59 AM

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BARBARAROSE54 11/28/2009 6:55AM

    I hear what you are saying Lesley.

So many times it's not just one thing, it's a mountain of things and we just can't take anymore.

However, I want you to believe in you, not turn to food for your support and comfort. Do whatever you need to do to stop this crazy food addiction.

You are so worth it, and deserve it. Try focusing more on you and not your problems. I try to tell myself my problems are only minute along what problems are face every day, in order for me to face each day, and make the best of it that I can.

Anne, as always has given you great advice.

Love you !

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LOLAJO54 11/28/2009 1:00AM

    Yes Lesley I think what Anne said was great advise.
It is hard and very stressful dealing with family problems...but please know that eating doesn't solve any of these situations..You need to be healthy not only for you but your daughter who is a twinkle in your eye and your new grandson who will definately need you one day..
so get back to taking care of you Lesley ...
emoticon Jo

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ARMATTHAEI 11/28/2009 12:58AM

    Although I do not know your situation, I can appreciate where you are coming from. This summer, I ended up on medical leave, for 3 months, from a job I loved and hated at the same time. During this time off, there were 5 days I spent in-patient for self-injury. Doc had me doing day therapy on more than one occassion, which altogether totaled at least 3 weeks.

Anyway, there has been about 1 year that I have not been working on weight loss, exercise, and or nutrition, as I had to take care of my mental health so I could attend to my physicial health. I ended up leave the above mentioned job, went a month without a job, and then finally landed a job that would require me to travel away from the part of the country I had been working and thus my support system, but I do contact them through facebook and the phone.

I have just gotten to a point where I think I can start working on nutrition and weight loss. The exercise aspect, I kind of work into my day, by walking around in a near-by park, focusing on the lake and birds.

Take things one step at a time. At times we need to take a time out of focusing on one part of our life, so we can heal a part of ourselves that we may have left behind in our excitement to change a different area of our life. Give yourself permission to work on your mental health, because you can't take care of your physical self, when your mind and soul needs a tune-up.

Amanda, BSN, RN

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RAINBOWMF 11/27/2009 11:45PM

    I feel your pain. Thanks for sharing.
Anne said everything, she is so good with words.
Everything she said I second it.
Love you Lesley, you really can do this.
I have been where you are and I know
you can either put all your weight back on or you can
start over to get healthy, like Anne said letting yourself go
will only add to your stress and misery.

emoticon Mary

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QUEENANNE1953 11/27/2009 11:36PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Thanks for sharing my dear .. just letting some things out can be helpful in your struggle. We've all had many more burdens than we can bear .. but we have to keep on going.

It's easier to throw in the towel and let food take you over Lesley.. but you know that won't help any of the situations you are facing. If you continue to make your body healthy and fit ... then that is one less thing you need to worry about..

Perhaps you feel you don't deserve to be healthy and fit ... perhaps you feel you don't deserve to look and feel good physically .. but guess what Lesley .. you are wrong. YOU ARE WORTH IT ...YOU DESERVE IT ALL.

Hope you can get some Spark back soon ... you can just continue where you left off .. just put one foot in front of the other ... and try. You can do this .. yes you can.

Hugs always

Comment edited on: 11/27/2009 11:38:07 PM

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Moments that spark us

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Have you ever had a moment when you felt that something inside sparked you into wanted to put that extra effort into something(for those of us on a healthy lifestyle journey or weight lose journey ) it could be that defining moment when we say enough is enough. Yesterday i read an article o f a girl who found her spark when she went to buy a new winter coat and realized she wasnt the size she thought she was and that gave her the motivation to become healthy and more fit. Its surprising how the littles things may go unnoticed until the weight is already there. For example many of you all know i have lost alot of weight and although i was still very active at a whopping 310 pounds and i felt that my weight looked bad and that i was unhealthy it never really slowed me down. I was wrong though because before i lost weight i felt tired all the time and once i started taking better care of myself i felt better more energetic. The numbers on the scale went down and the clothes got loser. One interesting thing we also noticed was that i had stopped snoring now that i wasnt carring around so much weight. Then i hit a rough patch and put some of that weight back. I looked in the mirror and i could see it there again. I could feel it when i walked and i began to feel tired again. I noticed my BRA got tighter and believe it or not when just out of curiousity i asked my husband if by chance i had started snoring again he said "yes" . So not only was the scale going the wrong way and clothes getting tighter i was snoring again.That just goes to show how much weight ca impact your whole life. For me that was a moment that sparked me. Obviously it has a HUGE (no pun inteded ) impact of my whole body and i even noticed that when i did thigns i tire quicker and get out of breath . Something that didnt even happen at my heaviest weight. In closing i would like to say thank you for taking the time to read this blog. I hope that you may take something from it that may help you if your struggling and that something might SPARk you too.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAZABEE 11/13/2009 7:50AM

    Lesley, you know you can do this, you have done it all before
remember how good and healthy you felt you have that spark back and your going to see this journey through with incredible results. emoticon

emoticon Connie

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BARBARAROSE54 11/13/2009 6:49AM

    What a wonderful Blog Lesley, Glad you have found your Spark once again. I need to find mine, I've given in to my emotional eating and once you start the bad habits keep returning.

I am going to work very hard today to find my Spark, I need it so badly.

You and I will do this again, we are strong women and know what to do and can and will do it !

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-LORI-B 11/13/2009 6:26AM

    I know exactly what you mean. I glad that you have found your sparkle again. I believe in you. You make me want to push a little harder than I do.
Hugs, Lori

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RAINBOWMF 11/12/2009 7:33PM

    Lesley, Lesley, emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon blog!

Love Mary

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LOLAJO54 11/12/2009 5:12PM

    Lesley-loved this blog!!
so true hey about the funny but so true.. and that goes for sleep apnea too..
You can do this --yes you did it once you can do it again and get those old feelings of being alive being fit having fun going on those rides-- remember those rides and the airplane trip you will take.. this will keep you motivated to just do it!

walk walk walk.. Lesley that is all it takes my dear. I'm with you to walk along side you-- to pull you or to push you need be..but I am here..

emoticon Jo
my inspiration --YOU!

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QUEENANNE1953 11/12/2009 3:08PM

    I enjoyed reading your blog Lesley .. so glad to see your Spark has indeed returned. emoticon

We all know this journey that we have chosen is not an easy one .. if it were, then EVERYONE would be slim and trim and healthy. But what we do know, and what you have so clearly stated, is that if you don't take the time out to look after your own body .. negative reactions take over and before we know it .. we are struggling again.

It's good to blog and put your thoughts out there. You are on the right path .. you can do this Lesley .. we all can. Good luck and God bless.

Hugs always
Your friend


Comment edited on: 11/12/2009 3:10:56 PM

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CHRISJAKE 11/12/2009 2:50PM

    Leslie you're SUCH a great person!!

You've realized so much about yourself and no matter what you keep going and going. You're a strong woman and I hope you never forget that!!

We all know you can do this, so join us in kicking ALL that unwanted weight to the curb!!!



e emoticon

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