Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Ever since my dad had his heartattack I haven't had the "spark" that I used to.. I used to be really good. And follow all the rules! Now my life is like blah.. And I still care. I want to stick to the diet.. I just have no motivation any more. I look at my motivation sheet.. All things which I desire. Yet that they don't really mean anything. I just don't have it any more. And that's making me depressed. My life used to be so full of the rules and I read all day long.. Now it's just full of food. Maybe comfort food.. Maybe I am emotionally eating. But whatever it is it SUCKS! haha. I just need some support. I need to pack a lunch if I go up to take care of my dad. . And I need to stay away from all temptations. And I need to see my goals clear again.. So, if you can, please help me.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sunday night was peacful. We went to sleep around 10.. Maybe 11. We woke up to a door knock.. More like a pound, and many many doorkbell rings.. I didn't know who it was. Looking at the window, then looking at the clock.. It was 3 in the morning.. I ran down stairs.. Flung open the door, only to hear that my dad had had a heartattack.. I didn't really react. I just said well are you ok? She was very upset. Hearing that was a shock.. It didn't really set in till I was upstairs getting dressed.. I started crying, I was talking to Scott my husband, what if he dies? What if this is it? On the way to the hospital, time seemed to stand still, it was the longest ride up to the hospital. When we got there, my dad was back in the cath lab.. My mom said it would be a couple of hours... Well, 6:30 we finally heard something. He had a heartattack from saturday, going into Sunday, going into monday.. They had stopped the heartattack while putting in the stents.. He got two.. I was glad to hear that's all it was. But my dad has many other things wrong with him. His kidneys are failing, and aparently the dye (contrast) they use to find the problem in his heart, is not good for his kidneys.. Not good at all. We all have known that his kidneys are failing, I just don't think we were ready for this. The day was spent next to my dads hospital bed. I was very worried. Stressed. Overwhelmed. I spent the whole day at the hospital. And you don't want to know what I ate. But I was so emotional.. And tired. And run down. I feel horible about it all. And I didn't need a diet in my face. I just wanted my dad to be ok.. They think he will be put on dialasis sp?? Which sucks.. I still think this is the beginning of the end.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
So last night my husband brought home a big mac, it was big mac monday! haha.. Something we generally do on mondays. And I knew this was going to happen. So I had left out calories and all of that from my daily activity just so I could eat it. Something I thought was almost hard to do.. Alot of calories to save.. Anyways. I had made up my mind that I was going to eat this, and then we could go to the gym. But I had one more trick up my sleeve. I was going to try, to only eat half of the sandwhich, and only half of the SMALL fry.. And so I ate it bite by bite.. Drinking water instead of the root beer he brought home. And at the end of eating both half burger and half the small fry. I was thinking, if your still hungry and wanting more, its ok, because you are still below your calorie intake and fat and all of that for the day.. but to my surprise. I didn't need it. I didn't eat the other halfs.. And I know it's so stupid, but I am proud of myself..
A down side to last night. After enjoying our fattening meal, we went to go to the gym, and our gym membership key, wouldn't let us in! It was so horrible!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Today has been a pretty good day.. I haven't over ate. By any means, yet! ha. But I really feel like I have no energy. I sat at home all day. I did some wash, and the dishes. But that is not any form of exercise. I know. But I just have no motivation to actually get up and do something. When my husband gets home from work (my only human contact) he's generally tired from working. Which is understandable. We belong to a local gym. Only we haven't been in weeks, and before that, months. My husband is a skinny man, so he can stand to go with out work outs. But I really can't. :( I just wish I was on biggest looser. :)!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Today I was being a dork with my husband, we were heading up the stairs and we were all twisted up in each other. I was laughing so hard, and I started to cough.. This was just after breakfast.. Well, shortly there after. I had to puke, and I didn't know why. I finished going up the stairs and puked. I am not sure if this means anything. I've purged before. But I don't think that's what this is. I think the laughing just got to me or something.. I didn't mean to puke.. Thats not even in my demenor.. That's all for now.
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