Monday, February 13, 2012
I look in the mirror. I see no ravishing beauty. I am plain and getting older. I need to lose weight. I see the fine lines and crowís feet when I smile. I suppose I shouldnít complain too much. After all, those lines are from smiles and only really show up when I smile. I still get carded at times and I know that most people guess my age younger than what I actually am. I used to hate it but now that I am getting older I like it when people think I am younger. LOL I also am thankful that the lines are from smiles which mean that normally I do that a lot. However, recently my smiles have been missing and come out once in a while. It isnít that I donít want to be my normal happy geek self but my heart was broken and is heavy. Donít worry though I may be struggling but I am still here and fighting to get back to complete happiness. I think that even though I am plain I do think I have a beautiful smile and it seems to make others happy to see it. I do think I am beautiful on the inside and those who know me would agree. I hope that I have touched their lives in some small way or another.
I have survived a lot in my lifetime. Some of the things I have overcome would hinder some people. I could have taken the easy path and not tried to change my life, my situations but I decided long ago that I would be a better person and not continue the cycle. I was determined to ensure that my children had a normal, happy childhood. If I never get rich or achieve fame and success I can be happy knowing that I gave them that gift. I love them so much and they are my world. I am proud of whom they are and all that they have accomplished.
I have been a faithful and loving wife and together we have weathered a few storms. God has been there for me throughout them all, always loving me. I have supported my husband and stood by him when I could have walked away from the hurt and pain. It is easy to walk away when you are unhappy but when you are happy and in love, you donít want to walk away. It takes strength to hold on and fight for what or who you love.
I look in the mirror and I see a woman with character. I have been a good person and always treated others the way I want to be treated. I have been a true friend, a good listener, a loving mom and someone you can always count on if you need me. I can sleep at night knowing that I have never been unfaithful, I have never hurt anyone and not cared about doing it, that I have been a good person. I can live with that and hope that when I am gone people will remember me for having character.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have and due to this I have been used and walked on more than once, often by the same person. I guess it is stupidity on my part to keep believing that people will change. I tend to keep expecting the best from people and yet some hit you with their worst, and sadly just donít care. They donít feel bad about what they have done and they continue on with their lives as if nothing even happened. How do they live with themselves? I just couldnít do it! After my last heart break I just wanted to hide my heart. I thought maybe I should build a wall around it so it can never be broken again. If I donít let anyone in, then no one can hurt me anymore. But then I realized that if I did that then everything I have gained in my life would be lost and how could I ever live without love? No I wouldnít be hurt but I also wouldnít know joy and happiness and laughter and love anymore either. I canít live that way. Because the truth is that my heart, even when it is broken in pieces and patched back together is still the most beautiful part of me. I freely give it to others. I rejoice in their happiness; I cry when they are sad or hurting. It is the best gift I can give to those I love and even if it means I continue to take those chances of being hurt then I guess I have to keep it on my sleeve. It is part of who I am and I wouldnít change me for anything. I love my BEAUTIFUL heart!