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Not Only Did I Fall Off the Wagon....

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I fell off; got hit by the two wagons behind me; pushed over the embankment and rolled down until I splashed into the river facedown. Lucky for me I know how to swim and had enough sense to turn my head and breathe!

Yes my sparkies I have been mia for awhile now but I am hoping to start all over and pick back up the pieces and put me together again. I am sorry that I have not been a good friend and haven't been supporting you all. I will try to catch up with everyone and be back on the cheer wagon asap. I hope you can forgive me for failing so miserably. I let life take over and get me down.

I have been struggling with the pain and heartbreak caused by my husband's infidelity and we have been working on mending our marriage. It has been a long bumpy ride with a setback or two but it seems like I am finally getting my old husband back and seems like it is true and that he is really sorry and working at making it up to me. It got much easier for me after she quit working where he works.

And as if struggling with all that crap wasn't enough we found out in late June that my dad (who has lots of health issues) also had stage 4 kidney cancer. By the end of July the call came that the nurse said I needed to come. We had a bad storm the night before the call and had been working on getting the neighbor's tree off our fence when mom called. Luckily I had friends with me to console me. We left that night for NC and got to the hospital around 1 the next day. His eyes were closed and I said hey daddy. He opened his eyes and said where you been? I said love you daddy. He said love you too. Then he closed his eyes again. I know now he was waiting on me to get there. He looked so bad and we knew he was dying. Each day we could tell and the only other thing he said to me was hey the next day. He was on pain meds and would cry out help me help me when they would start running out. We made the decision to come home on Sunday and I bawled knowing that I would never see my daddy alive again. This was really hard on me and I can only imagine how hard it would have been if we had been close. (I had a very dysfunctional family but he was still my daddy and I loved him) We got home Monday and had to do some canning (been doing alot of that this summer) and on Wednesday night when I called mom to check in he died while I was on the phone. We headed back down for the funeral ( and dealt with more family issues, uggh) and throughout it all my husband was very supportive and my rock. He held me, consoled me, told me the things I needed to hear when I felt alone and like an outsider and made me feel loved. I could not imagine trying to go through all of it without him by my side.

So anyways alot has happened and there is more to tell but for now I just wanted to touch base and let you know I hope to be back at it and I hope to stick with it this time and hopefully meet my goal at some point. Thank you all for always being there for me and encouraging me. You are the best!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGGIENCALI 9/22/2012 7:26PM

    I'm so happy that you're back! Wow, you have been through a lot! I'm sorry about your dad. Hugs and prayers, my friend. emoticon

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VAMANOS 9/20/2012 3:35PM

    It's good to see you back here, although of course I've been following you elsewhere. Good to know things are returning to normal, and thank goodness what's-her-face quit that job! Always better to remove the temptation when the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

I lost my daddy to cancer as well, and while I was far away. It's never easy, but it will get better.

emoticon

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MJMONE 9/20/2012 11:48AM

    emoticon

you have had a lot on your plate, so to speak, so as far as the wagon, don't look back...just keep going forward...and you can do this...one step, one day at a time.

with your husband, BTDT, it will take time to rebuild trust. But it is doable, as dh and I are almost 20 years past his 'incident'. It is going to take a lot of work together.







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ELLFIN3 9/20/2012 11:01AM

    I know what You went through with Your Husband and I know how hard it was and is! My first Husband did just that with a co-worker and He chose Her! My Dad had kidney cancer so I can relate to that also! I just wish it had been as simple as I thought maybe WebFather had kidnapped You!! emoticon
together emoticon emoticon Sounds like You got a good start by walking! WooHoo!!! Enjoy Your Thursday! Glad You are back with US!! (((((HUGS)))))

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KATHRYNLP 9/20/2012 8:26AM

    Handing you a seat-belt... emoticon

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LEANJEAN6 9/20/2012 6:16AM

    Oh you have had so much in your life , happen! --You handled it all well tho--You cabn't control that stuff-but you CAN control what you put into your mouth.Good for you to come back! It's a learning experience--You can do this--and even if you fall off the wagon again, don't give up. Many of us have been on here for years----You are worth this Spark journey! Lynda emoticon

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JSALERNO 9/20/2012 5:57AM

    emoticon WE HAVE MISSED YOU AND HOPE YOU WILL COME BACK TO US.

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DJ4HEALTH 9/19/2012 10:55PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DIBANANA 9/19/2012 10:44PM

  My heart goes out to you. Sounds like your DH has realized how much he loves you. Hang in there. I've been married 42 years tomorrow. It is worth it if you can get through the bad times.



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SLIMINDOWN31 9/19/2012 10:15PM

    Thank you for your authenticity. It's that kind of honesty that helps us get well.

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UMUCGRAD 9/19/2012 10:13PM

    My goodness! Holding the good thought for all of you!

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ELSCO55 9/19/2012 10:08PM

    Sorry you have had so many challenges. Glad your husband is turning around for the better. Praying for strenth in your loss. It will get easier.

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When Mother Nature calls...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

You just have to listen. LOL Now before I get to the funny part let me just say that thanks to my daughter I now have a new trail to go hiking on. It doesn't have as many hills but it is beautiful and winds around the creek. The pup enjoyed it too.

I can't believe these places have been here all this time and no one ever told me. She has one more to take me too and if I like it too then I will have three places to choose from for hiking and that will keep them from getting old and stale!

Okay so now to the funny part. For whatever reason I can try to use the bathroom before I leave but it never fails that halfway through it always seems that Mother Nature calls me to go. I don't get it. I don't have regular bm and yet it seems when I get active it hits me that I have to go and it is never near a bathroom and is usually more than halfway from home or where the bathroom is! Okay so we are walking along and the first pains hit and I think no way. We go a little further and all of a sudden it hits me and there is no way I can make it back the 45 minutes we have already ventured. So I say to my daughter I can't hold it. I am gonna have to veer off the trail and into the woods and she starts laughing. I tell her it isn't funny (but it is) and start frantically searching for leaves that are safe and bigger. Of course there aren't any big ones nearby but guess what we find further down the trail? Oh yeah nice big fat ones! So I climb back into the woods and try to find a safe spot with no poison oak. I find a spot and a stick almost takes me out as I start to squat. Back on the path I can hear her chuckling. Not funny I yell! The only thing I can say is I guess all those years of living in the woods taught me how to survive emergency bathroom issues! LOL

Well needless to say other than the minor bathroom issue we had a great hike and it was a beautiful one also.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOOZLEBEAR 4/14/2012 9:23AM

    Now that is a vision!!! I can totally understand your predicament!!! That has happened to me before and my DD would have been laughing at me too!!!

Love the pictures of the both of you and your pup!!!!

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JERZGURL_NAN 4/13/2012 8:17AM

    I'm totally loving the view of that tree over the water. I'd be resting - lounging out on those branches. Making me anxious for a hike too.

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JSALERNO 4/13/2012 6:17AM

    NICE. BLOOKS LIKE FUN!

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MDAVISRN 4/13/2012 5:41AM

    Okay, I know it isn't nice to laugh at others...so I am really glad you are laughing too! This is something that would happen to me! my DD's would have a blast making fun of me! Love the pics and so glad you had a good time!

Misty

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VAMANOS 4/12/2012 9:50PM

    Only you could get into this kind of trouble on a hike, lol. I remember the days of camping and makeshift 'bathrooms', usually hanging my bum over a downed tree, lol. Usually had tp along though. OMG, too funny!



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MAGGIENCALI 4/12/2012 9:45PM

    When you gotta go, you gotta go. You're looking good and I'm so happy that you found some awesome hiking trails. Fresh air does the mind and body good. emoticon

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TWEETYKC00 4/12/2012 8:47PM

    It is pretty funny, thank goodness for leaves! Nice pictures, looks like you all had some fun.

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I Never Promised You a Rose Garden....

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

This is an oldie but goodie. I love to sing it and sometimes it hits home more than others. I am healing slowly and just when I think I am okay another bad day hits. The song says along with the sunshine there has to be a little rain sometimes...it just seems like too many days are downpours!

I can't seem to get past the anger. It sneaks back up on me when least expected. I am struggling. Some days I cry but not as often as I did. I still hurt and my self esteem is still way down there and even though he assures me I am not competing with anyone my mind feels like I am. I compare myself with her and wonder so many things. I know in time it will get better but in the meantime I manage to muddle through and put on my happy face. People keep telling me to move on and let go of the anger but do they realize how hard that is? Have they been in my situation? Yes I know I need to move on and the anger has gotta go because that just isn't me but for now the wound is still fresh and hurts so it might take me a little longer to get past all of this.

The good thing is I am back to exercising and trying to lose weight which should help my self-esteem issue....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JERZGURL_NAN 3/31/2012 12:44PM

    and

with the BEautiful ROSES in the ROSE GARDEN are indeed thorns and weeds but the rewards are Beautiful

I am so so sorry that your garden is filled with sticky thorns but fortunately tears do heal even though they give us headaches and heartaches.

so never forget

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

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JERZGURL_NAN 3/31/2012 12:42PM

    YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
repeat
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

YOU ARE GOING TO claim VICTORY in this -
You are Woman
You are Mom
You are Daughter
You are Beautiful
You are Wife
You are AWESOME WIFE
You are Family
You are Beautiful
You are Melissa

http://www.beliefnet
.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Yo
u-Are-Beautiful-Now-Say-It.aspx

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THINANDFITEMILY 3/29/2012 1:34PM

    Keep up that exercise!!! You go girl!

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JSALERNO 3/29/2012 6:24AM

    GLAD YOU ARE EXERCISING. IT'LL HELP RELIEVE A LITTLE OF THE STRESS. THE ANGER WON'T HELP JUST REMEMBER YOU'RE THE BETTER PERSON AND LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOUR SPARK FRIENDS LOVE YOU.

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VAMANOS 3/28/2012 10:52PM

    While I agree that you are justified in your anger, I fear it is hurting you more than it is hurting the object of it. For now, try on letting go of it for 5 minutes. Don't think of her, don't even think of him. Think of your kids and a healthy you. Next time, maybe you can let go for 10 minutes, or even longer.

Meanwhile, he'd better be treating you right, or you let me know and I'll come straighten him out! He'd better thank God for how lucky he is that you've decided to stay with him, and he'd better show you every day that he knows just how lucky he was. Hold your head high, girl, you have the high moral ground. As for HER, SHE is not worth another thought, of any kind. emoticon her out of your universe.

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MAGGIENCALI 3/28/2012 9:39PM

    Let go of your anger? No, I'm sorry, you still have a right to be angry. Your trust was betrayed. You are doing the right thing right now by just concentrating on yourself and your healing. emoticon

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KARENA228 3/28/2012 9:02PM

    Whatever it is, one day at a time...

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A Broken Lady...Waiting to be Mended

Friday, March 16, 2012

Well my sparkies I promised that at some point I would get around to blogging about my crisis of late. I apologize for not being on here to support you all and I hope you forgive me.

Unfortunately for me at a time when I was finally free from the job that I had come to despise and thought all was going well; my world fell apart and my heart was broken into a million tiny pieces. My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with. Without going into all the details it was a shock not only to me and the kids but all our friends because we were happy and there were no signs.

I have struggled greatly with it all and have so many emotions and feelings. I love him and if things had been bad it would have been easy to walk away but things were great and I don't want to give up after 23 years. My self esteem fell to an all time low and even though I initially lost 14 pounds quickly in two weeks from stress and not eating or sleeping, I did gain some of it back... I have been dealing with all the emotions and tears and now I am struggling with alot of anger. I have talked with him alot and gotten it out but I feel that I need to confront her. I feel bad for her husband. He knew about the affair well before me and she continued it knowing he knew and told him it was his fault. At least when I found out who she was and I told my husband he had to decide, he ended it and asked my forgiveness. But I just feel like she got no punishment at all while my world was ripped apart. I want her to suffer as I have. I know I need to get past it and let it go and I am trying but it is extremely hard.
I have started the new spring challenge and hope not to disappoint my team! I will try to get back to my old happy self but it may take a little more time. Believe me I liked the old me way better! I want to find her again...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSPOOH404 3/19/2012 7:28PM

    Like everyone else, I am very sorry to hear that you and your children are going through this ordeal. I pray for the healing of your heart and the mending of your marriage.

Don't you worry about being there for others...you come to get the support that you need, whenever you need it. Your teammates and other Spark Friends will be here for you.

And just so you know...I am also willing to join VAMANOS in the butt-kicking department if you need me!

emoticon

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NCPANFAN 3/19/2012 5:10PM

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and hugs and for being there for me!

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GOOZLEBEAR 3/18/2012 10:20PM

    Melissa, I, too am so sorry you are having to go through this but I am very proud of you for the way you are handling this situation. I agree with the others, this women will be punished one day for her part in this. We are here for you and I hope you will be strengthened knowing that we care.

emoticonSandi

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ITSAWRAP_DIMI 3/18/2012 9:11PM

    Melissa my heart goes out to you. I think it is Awesome that you are propelling yourself forward. I think you have already gotten some great advice so all I can say is we are here for you. So utilize the support that is offered. Keep talking until you get it out. It will get better..... emoticon

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MAGGIENCALI 3/17/2012 4:49PM

    *hugs hard* my friend. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please take all the time you need. We here all love and care about you.

You are a strong and resilant woman. You will come out of this with your head held high and that is punishment enough for her. God will deal with her in his own time. You just concentrate on yourself and your healing. emoticon

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CASEYTALK 3/17/2012 10:30AM

    I agree with the others who say her punishment will come, but not from you. Let it go if you can. Easier said than done, but practice releasing the hate.

You and your husband would almost certainly benefit from couples counseling. Ask around -- one of your friends or family has been through something similar and probably can recommend someone good. If not, research counselors in your area on the Internet.

Please, if you can, focus on your kids. No matter what age they are, this is hurting them, too, and you can support one another, letting them know that both their parents love them deeply and that this had nothing to do with them.

You're not broken. You're human. Come back and post when you can because we all care about you and want to give you support and hugs.

emoticon emoticon

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VAMANOS 3/17/2012 10:19AM

    Melissa, you know I'm there for you, darlin'. The frustrating part is that you may find it goes around in a circle for a while until you are really, really past it--it did for me with my first marriage, even after I had found lasting happiness in a second one. You have so much courage, to fight for your happiness WITH him, rather than just chuck the 23 years out the window. Hold on to that, my dear, and lean on your friends to make it through the low points.

And if you ever need someone to come kick him in the butt just for being a jackass, I'm your girl! emoticon

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THINANDFITEMILY 3/17/2012 9:33AM

    what Nan said is important!-about the unforgiving and also I would say that
You never know how the other woman might actually be suffering-everybody suffers in a situation like that.
And yes you are right to be on the mend with yourself and marriage
The team is there for everyone-I am so proud to be on it with such wonderful people including yourself!

Comment edited on: 3/17/2012 9:35:23 AM

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DGFOWLER 3/17/2012 7:11AM

    My heart goes out to you as a few years back I had this happen to me as well. Only I came home from work to a good-bye letter. He moved several states away with another woman he met on the internet. In hindsight I didn't realize how unhappy I was until everything was said and done. We have been divorced now for 2 years and although I have questions, I know I'll never get the answers so I live one day at a time. We were married 5 years.

I wish you much luck in the upcoming weeks and pray that your 23 year marriage can heal as you want it to.

emoticon Donna

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JSALERNO 3/17/2012 7:05AM

    I'M SO SORRY. JUST KNOW WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. ANYTIME YOU NEED EXTRA SUPPORT WE ARE HERE.

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MDAVISRN 3/17/2012 12:51AM

    I am so sorry for this happening to you. The ones we love the most have the ability to hurt us the most. I am praying for you and your husband to mend and heal together. I do not pretend to have the answers, but I can always offer a friendly ear and shoulder whenever you need it! We are happy to have you on the Turquoise Titans and we are an awesome group and we will rally around you and do anything we can to help! Please let us whenever you need it! It was very courageous of you to share this with us, thank you for doing so.

Big emoticon emoticon
Misty

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JERZGURL_NAN 3/16/2012 11:34PM

    thanks for sharing and being so honest about your feelings. You won't let us down, just try not to let yourself down. We are here to work with you from food choices, fitness, tears, cheers, silliness and frustration. It sounds like you have a good thing that has taken a terrible left turn. Praying that you can work out those emotions and work together to an even better TwoOfYou. Forgiveness is not easy but it's necessary to work towards, Unforgiveness has too ugly of an effect on people - you deserve better than to be controlled by ugly emotions - they are uber dangerous.

Hugz for a good weekend.

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TWEETYKC00 3/16/2012 9:22PM

    I am so sorry. I am glad that you are trying to work through everything now. It will not be easy, but you can do this. Please know that we are here for you when you need us.

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BUDDYSMYFRIEND 3/16/2012 9:14PM

    My heart goes out to you. I was cheated on in my first marriage, also by a woman he worked with. We were only in our first year of marriage, and he was borderline abusive, so it was easier for me to end it. But, the betrayal, loss of self-esteem, feeling stupid for not seeing it sooner, etc., etc., took a very long time to "let go." I, too, wanted her to suffer. I had wishes of burning down what used to be "our" house with both of them in it, and stuff like that. It took a while, and supportive friends, to realize that trying to punish her would only keep my wounds open. You need to take care of yourself, rather than spending time on "her." Some personal as well as marital counseling could help you vent your anger, and help you to start healing. I wish you the very best as you go forward.
emoticon

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NASFKAB 3/16/2012 9:02PM

  SO SORRY FOR YOU

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I Look in the Mirror

Monday, February 13, 2012

I look in the mirror. I see no ravishing beauty. I am plain and getting older. I need to lose weight. I see the fine lines and crowís feet when I smile. I suppose I shouldnít complain too much. After all, those lines are from smiles and only really show up when I smile. I still get carded at times and I know that most people guess my age younger than what I actually am. I used to hate it but now that I am getting older I like it when people think I am younger. LOL I also am thankful that the lines are from smiles which mean that normally I do that a lot. However, recently my smiles have been missing and come out once in a while. It isnít that I donít want to be my normal happy geek self but my heart was broken and is heavy. Donít worry though I may be struggling but I am still here and fighting to get back to complete happiness. I think that even though I am plain I do think I have a beautiful smile and it seems to make others happy to see it. I do think I am beautiful on the inside and those who know me would agree. I hope that I have touched their lives in some small way or another.

I have survived a lot in my lifetime. Some of the things I have overcome would hinder some people. I could have taken the easy path and not tried to change my life, my situations but I decided long ago that I would be a better person and not continue the cycle. I was determined to ensure that my children had a normal, happy childhood. If I never get rich or achieve fame and success I can be happy knowing that I gave them that gift. I love them so much and they are my world. I am proud of whom they are and all that they have accomplished.

I have been a faithful and loving wife and together we have weathered a few storms. God has been there for me throughout them all, always loving me. I have supported my husband and stood by him when I could have walked away from the hurt and pain. It is easy to walk away when you are unhappy but when you are happy and in love, you donít want to walk away. It takes strength to hold on and fight for what or who you love.
I look in the mirror and I see a woman with character. I have been a good person and always treated others the way I want to be treated. I have been a true friend, a good listener, a loving mom and someone you can always count on if you need me. I can sleep at night knowing that I have never been unfaithful, I have never hurt anyone and not cared about doing it, that I have been a good person. I can live with that and hope that when I am gone people will remember me for having character.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have and due to this I have been used and walked on more than once, often by the same person. I guess it is stupidity on my part to keep believing that people will change. I tend to keep expecting the best from people and yet some hit you with their worst, and sadly just donít care. They donít feel bad about what they have done and they continue on with their lives as if nothing even happened. How do they live with themselves? I just couldnít do it! After my last heart break I just wanted to hide my heart. I thought maybe I should build a wall around it so it can never be broken again. If I donít let anyone in, then no one can hurt me anymore. But then I realized that if I did that then everything I have gained in my life would be lost and how could I ever live without love? No I wouldnít be hurt but I also wouldnít know joy and happiness and laughter and love anymore either. I canít live that way. Because the truth is that my heart, even when it is broken in pieces and patched back together is still the most beautiful part of me. I freely give it to others. I rejoice in their happiness; I cry when they are sad or hurting. It is the best gift I can give to those I love and even if it means I continue to take those chances of being hurt then I guess I have to keep it on my sleeve. It is part of who I am and I wouldnít change me for anything. I love my BEAUTIFUL heart!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOE4LIFE 4/1/2012 9:21AM

    Beautiful...absolutely beautiful.

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RHILL4455 3/13/2012 3:58PM

    You are a very good writer!! I can relate a lot to what you write about!! Big Hugs and continue loving your beautiful heart!

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MAGGIENCALI 2/20/2012 7:50PM

    I love your beautiful heart too and I'm sorry it is hurting. xxx's, my friend and just know you are worthy of all that is good out there. emoticon

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REACHING4HOME 2/14/2012 7:42PM

    I love my beautiful heart too. And it has been through a lot - 7 heart attacks and a triple by-pass. I think most of us have been through much with our families and, those that are still together, should proudly wear their battle scars. LOL
Erin

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ANGIEN9 2/14/2012 4:03AM

    What a beautiful blog! You are a wonderful person and this blog is revealing yet personal!! I think you will go a long way with that character!! Keep strong and I wear my heart on my sleeve too. Not always a bad thing!
Angie emoticon

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MDAVISRN 2/14/2012 2:45AM

    You are so right! Enjoy being you! You seem to have a heart of gold and love is a powerful thing! Share it with the world!

Misty

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TWEETYKC00 2/13/2012 8:56PM

    You are not a plain person at all and you are one of the greatest women I know! You have friends that wouldn't want to hurt you for anything and we don't want you to change, this is who you are and it's the best you that you can be!

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JOYATLAST 2/13/2012 7:07PM

    And the best decision you could ever make is to refuse to fence it in!! emoticon

Great Blog!

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VAMANOS 2/13/2012 7:05PM

    I love your beautiful emoticon too.

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