NAYNAY69   44,721
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The harsh reality

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I have gained 32 pounds since April 2013. My brain knew I was gaining because I never stopped weighing myself. The more I gained, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more anxious I became. The more anxious I am, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more weight I gain.

I felt like I was spiraling down and just couldn't break the cycle. I could ignore it while at work most of the time. I stay distracted. As soon as I clock out the anxiety begins to build. By the time I get home it's almost like an addiction I HAVE to feed. Then I eat all evening long until I just can't hold any more. By the time I go to bed I am so miserable that I am having to sleep sitting up again. Extra food + Extra weight = Severe Reflux.

Today started good. On track for Breakfast. On track for Lunch. No snacks, doughnuts or cakes to tempt me at the desk today.

Then I clocked out and headed home. The anxiety started to build and I could feel what was coming. I told myself like many times before that I wouldn't give in. I kept telling myself "you know you are not hungry!". I told myself to change when I get home, into gym clothes and go do 'something'. I knew when I got home I would be ignoring myself yet again.

By the time I made it home I almost felt paralysed by the anxiety and knowing I would be letting myself down again.

I walked into the house and just stopped. I took several long breaths and walked into my room and changed into my 'gym' clothes and walked straight back out the door! I went to the gym. I felt nervous and uncomfortable. It was the first time I had been to the new coed gym. I got on the treadmill thinking this would be the easy way to start. I did 17 mins at a 3.5 incline and 2.5 miles/hr. I know that does not sound like a lot but when I started a few years back all I could do was 5 mins at 1.5 miles an hour, so I was very impressed with myself. I got off the treadmill and wiped it down. I even made myself stand there and do all of my stretches which I am very uncomfortable doing in public. As I was finishing my stretches, I glanced up and right into a mirror.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My mind shouted, "Who IS that?!" and I just stared. I was horrified. I was concentrating so hard on trying to talk myself into the gym that I never paid attention to what I looked like in my gym clothes. The same gym clothes I was using 32 pounds ago. It was not a pretty site and all I could keep thinking was, "I look like the michelin man." Do you remember him? Look it up. That was me minus the smile and muscled arms.

I left as quickly as possible. I sat in my van for a long time thinking. How did I get this bad? How can I look like that? I knew the weight was gaining but I didn't realize I was 'that' bad because I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror except except to brush my hair. Talking about a bad reality check.

I deserved that but I just can't live like this. It's not me. I drove to WalMart and went inside, very aware of how tight and small my clothes were. Cutting and binding in spots I didn't notice before the mirror. I can't tell you how many clothes I tried on and almost threw them all back. But I didn't. I walked out of their with 3 new brightly colored workout shirts! All size 3X! That is a high for me and not a good high.

I came back home entered my fitness into SparkPeople tracker, entered my food choices into the food tracker and fixed my meal and ate it very slowly. I took my shower and sat down again and decided to make a blog entry to help me work through some of my feelings.

I know this isn't a very positive post but this was my day. It was the best day I have had in a very long time and I hope to have many more like it. (Minus the tight workout clothes and looking into the mirror!)

I set my goals on the new start page this morning before leaving for work. I think setting those goals where I could see them was a push I needed to change something, do something today. I am so thankful for SparkPeople and my SparkFriends!

emoticon NayNay

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NELLJONES 10/24/2013 9:28AM

    Take it One Day At A Time. There isn't anything you can't do for Just One Day.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 10/23/2013 10:41PM

    Sounds like you are back on plan. Keep pushing till you get to goal!!

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THE_RED_BIRD 10/23/2013 10:00PM

    I'm impressed with your honesty and the excellent fitness effort you made. I hear how hard this is for you. Sending a big hug and congratulations on a job well done today!

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WooHoo! Finally under 200#

Monday, March 19, 2012

I weighed myself 3 times this morning! I couldn't believe it the first time so I moved it and tried again. The second time my hopes started rising but I was still skeptical. I moved it and tried yet again! The scale said the same thing ALL THREE TIMES!!!


199.8! ! ! ! !

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I know it just "barely" under but it is still UNDER 200 POUNDS!!!

What a way to start my Monday morning!

I hope everyone has as great a start to their day as I have!

NayNay emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOUBLEMME 8/22/2012 2:16PM

    Excellent!

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NAYNAY69 3/19/2012 9:18PM

    Awww... Thank you all so much! Now I just have to keep my head ducked under that bar!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 3/19/2012 5:37PM

    Congratulations!! Welcome to onderland!!! emoticon

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IMAREADER 3/19/2012 5:16PM

    All right! Way to go! emoticon

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GGMOM06 3/19/2012 3:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEALBERI 3/19/2012 8:32AM

    NayNay, that is FANTASTIC!!!!!! I'm SOO happy for you!!
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Keep up the AMAZING work!!!

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Every Journey starts with that first step...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

This is my first blog since my last one on 10/26/1009. That blog was the beginning of my weight gain. It was the end of a great year where I had lost 30 pounds. Not only did I fall off the wagon, then I seemed to jump into the deep abyss! I went from 192.6 that week at the end of October to 218.3 by this week the beginning of March 2010.

Ever try to hide from your self? Under layers of fat? Ever eat so much that the food doesn't even really taste good anymore or you really don't remember what actual hunger pangs feel like anymore? Ever replace entire meals with candy bars for days at a time?

But for some reason THAT CRAVING remains. The craving for something I couldn't identify. The cigarettes I gave up almost 3 years ago? I contributed a lot of it to that because I was being exposed to second hand smoke. I was also under a lot of stress that I didn't have control over. I like having CONTROL! I had came off of some of my meds because I felt that it was time to like the welbutrin.

I have been having episodes that I can only describe as anxiety attacks? Sudden attacks where I feel paralysed by extreme fear/anxiety my heart will race and I want to cry and I feel scared and like my by best friend has died all at once, like the most terrible thing in the world is about to happen?! It only last about 2 mins but it feels like an eternity sitting there trying to deep breath through it and not understanding why or how to make it go away or not come back.

Feb. 27 would of been my grand-sons 2nd birthday. April 13 will be his death anniversary. He died when he was 6 weeks old and I just can't let it go still. Of course it is better now than it was then but still the wound feels so fresh like it was still just yesterday. Holidays still get me. He never even saw his first Christmas and so many others.....

The weight gain has also made me swell more, more short winded to move around, more tired and with these episodes.... I am trying to get back on my diet this week. I am going back to stage one and making my plan. I did really good the last 2 days and yesterday actually walked 23 mins and did my stretching routine. It felt really good!

One day at a time!

I have taken the first step, again....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HORSESX4 7/15/2012 2:37PM

    Sorry for your pain..I know to well about the anixety attacks. That is my dream to also be under 200 pounds. I am so proud of you and all of your goals that have been met. emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 3/10/2010 2:25PM

    You have been through a lot. My prayers are with you. Take it a day at a time. emoticon

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LYNN1113 3/10/2010 8:00AM

    You can do it, NAYNAY69! I just "rejoined" Sparks and am starting over. Not as much for weight, but for changing my lifestyle. I had returned to making bad choices in my eating and lifestyle habits and came back to the decision of healing myself! Nervous eating, bad sleeping habits, and terrible food choices but me into a "funk" that I cannot live with. I have 2 teenagers that I know need me, and as I move into my 50's, I realize that the only control I have, is to live a healthy, balanced, life. It's so hard when life throughs you a "wrench" that you weren't expecting. I know I've had quite a few! And it sounds like you have, too. But know, that we are all here to help each other with positive "tools" to keep us all going the right path! We can do it together! You can do it! emoticon

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MAJA0123 3/10/2010 7:57AM

    GREAT job on taking the first step!! it always starts with just a step at a time... and i used to volunteer for a non-profit that helps families with loss of a child www.irisremembers.com it's a great site to find comfort.. Be blessed.. emoticon

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LVNG4ME 3/10/2010 7:54AM

    You may want to try something other than welbutrin. I had terrible side effects from taking that years ago. It made me very emotional. I would cry at the drop of a hat. No kidding. It was awful. I think once you become determined to make healthier choices a lifestyle change, you will see your emotions, your energy levels etc.. all start to improve. You have to be committed to making the changes necessary to make it happen. Once you have done that, your on your way. It is so worth it. YOU are worth it. If you need support, let me know. I will do my best. We are all in this together. emoticon

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10/26/2009 Up I go!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Wt-192.6 (Up 1.5 pounds)

Well I was prepared for this. I knew last week after being sick and loosing so much fluid that this week I would gain back some of the weight I lost. I also know that last week I didn't follow my good eating habits like I should have done and missed 2 days of walking. I could have done much better and I could have done much worse but I did exactly what I did. Now I've got to do it different this week. I ate well today and got my mile walk in at lunch and I'm off to a good start for the week!

NayNay emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/26/2009 9:44PM

    You are back on plan - good job!!!

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Weekly Weights

Monday, October 19, 2009

10/12/09--Wt-193.4

10/19/09--Wt-191.1
Did go down this week some more but unfortunately was sick most of last week so not an accurate measure of weight loss. Most likely fluid loss and because of eating mostly low cal fluids and not a lot of solids. Next week will be a better measure but will probably go back up some.


NayNay emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/19/2009 11:26PM

    I always find that I enjoy even weight loss from fluid loss. It all is good to me. LOL.

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