Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I have gained 32 pounds since April 2013. My brain knew I was gaining because I never stopped weighing myself. The more I gained, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more anxious I became. The more anxious I am, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more weight I gain.
I felt like I was spiraling down and just couldn't break the cycle. I could ignore it while at work most of the time. I stay distracted. As soon as I clock out the anxiety begins to build. By the time I get home it's almost like an addiction I HAVE to feed. Then I eat all evening long until I just can't hold any more. By the time I go to bed I am so miserable that I am having to sleep sitting up again. Extra food + Extra weight = Severe Reflux.
Today started good. On track for Breakfast. On track for Lunch. No snacks, doughnuts or cakes to tempt me at the desk today.
Then I clocked out and headed home. The anxiety started to build and I could feel what was coming. I told myself like many times before that I wouldn't give in. I kept telling myself "you know you are not hungry!". I told myself to change when I get home, into gym clothes and go do 'something'. I knew when I got home I would be ignoring myself yet again.
By the time I made it home I almost felt paralysed by the anxiety and knowing I would be letting myself down again.
I walked into the house and just stopped. I took several long breaths and walked into my room and changed into my 'gym' clothes and walked straight back out the door! I went to the gym. I felt nervous and uncomfortable. It was the first time I had been to the new coed gym. I got on the treadmill thinking this would be the easy way to start. I did 17 mins at a 3.5 incline and 2.5 miles/hr. I know that does not sound like a lot but when I started a few years back all I could do was 5 mins at 1.5 miles an hour, so I was very impressed with myself. I got off the treadmill and wiped it down. I even made myself stand there and do all of my stretches which I am very uncomfortable doing in public. As I was finishing my stretches, I glanced up and right into a mirror.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My mind shouted, "Who IS that?!" and I just stared. I was horrified. I was concentrating so hard on trying to talk myself into the gym that I never paid attention to what I looked like in my gym clothes. The same gym clothes I was using 32 pounds ago. It was not a pretty site and all I could keep thinking was, "I look like the michelin man." Do you remember him? Look it up. That was me minus the smile and muscled arms.
I left as quickly as possible. I sat in my van for a long time thinking. How did I get this bad? How can I look like that? I knew the weight was gaining but I didn't realize I was 'that' bad because I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror except except to brush my hair. Talking about a bad reality check.
I deserved that but I just can't live like this. It's not me. I drove to WalMart and went inside, very aware of how tight and small my clothes were. Cutting and binding in spots I didn't notice before the mirror. I can't tell you how many clothes I tried on and almost threw them all back. But I didn't. I walked out of their with 3 new brightly colored workout shirts! All size 3X! That is a high for me and not a good high.
I came back home entered my fitness into SparkPeople tracker, entered my food choices into the food tracker and fixed my meal and ate it very slowly. I took my shower and sat down again and decided to make a blog entry to help me work through some of my feelings.
I know this isn't a very positive post but this was my day. It was the best day I have had in a very long time and I hope to have many more like it. (Minus the tight workout clothes and looking into the mirror!)
I set my goals on the new start page this morning before leaving for work. I think setting those goals where I could see them was a push I needed to change something, do something today. I am so thankful for SparkPeople and my SparkFriends!