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NATIVITY4ME's Recent Blog Entries


Tuesday, July 31, 2007

sorry folks, im headed out to visit in-laws for a week. hope everyone doesnt miss me too

i hope my teams still there when i return.

it seems as if when i dont post (come on ppl! i have a life too ya know?!?!?) that i lose members left and right.

i want to say, for those of you who WILL remain in the group when i return..YOUR A BLESSING!!! and should be GREATLY REWARDED!!!
if i knew how to hand you points, i would!

be good everyone, and if you find something funny youd like o cut & paste to the group in my absance, feel free. it would at least allow some stuff to flow thru, and not let the group seem dormant in my absence

have fun!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KHARDMAN72 8/9/2007 8:56PM

    Have a great time!

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ZIRCADIA 8/6/2007 4:45PM

    OH HAVE FUN! :) Just came by to see how you're doing, and you're gone on a wonderful vacation. I have to say I'm quite jealous! I'm all out of vacation time up until CHRISTMAS. SO. :D

Have extra fun for me... hahaha

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SASSISPRING 8/4/2007 3:15AM

    Have a wonderful vacation!!! :D

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JEANKEARNS 8/1/2007 10:01PM

    Hope you have a great vacation.

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NORTHERNGIRL40 8/1/2007 12:26PM

    Have a great vacation. Relax and enjoy yourself. See you when you return.

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Friday, June 22, 2007

i feel like i need therapy...i cried again last night, for NOTHING! i have NO idea what set me off, or WHY i felt so overwhelmingly sad...but i did, and i cried, and just sat confused about the emotion. nothing was in my mind, nothing was upsetting me, i wasnt frustrated, or even emotional, but i started to sob...somethings wrong with me. i need therapy.

this is deeper than self esteem, this is core...and i need help figuring out what it is... its not as simple as saying pick yourself up, brush yourself off, start all over again, i AM A FOOD ADDICT, and i feel trapped by the disease.
asking me to just think differently, or look at it in a different light, is like asking you to hold your breath....until i tell you to breath again, we all need oxygen,
and...we all need food...

this addictions prolly the hardest to beat, because you cant STOP HAVE to eat...just to survive....

but with THAT aside, somethings still inside me, upsetting me....

perhaps its the weather, im not sure...i do get depressed alot when the skies get all dark and gloomy, and its been raining here alot (for which i am thankful, oklahoma needs the water) but it messes with my emotions...

i get extreemly sleepy, tired, worn out in that weather, and i never go out in just drags me even further down...i try to sleep it all away, hoping to wake up and be a brighter, cheerier person again....

today (right now anyway) the skies have no darkness, its not exactly bright and sunny either, but the emotional place im at isnt depressed for now....there is the prediction of more rain over the weekend tho..**SIGH**

i expressed to hubby thru tears last night that i feel, i HAVE to attend an OA (over eatrers Anonymous ) meeting i HAVE to say it outloud, to claim it, make it mine..OWN IT!

if i dont go there i sugested id need therapy, with a counselor, psychiatrist/psychologist...someone on na professional level to determin if i need medicine for this depression oir seems to only severly arise when the weather is bad....

this isnt me beating myself up, degrading my sense of person, this is reality, im not denying it, im trying to face it and quite frankly, it scares me to death to have to stand before a group of ppl and say...

"hi, my names michelle...and im addicted to food"

when i rehearse those words in my head, it causes me to feel embarased, and ashamed and overwhelmed with guilt...causing tears...
and i thought the whole idea to express it outloud, to take ownership of it, to make it yours was to...feel LIBERATED...

i just have to go...fear set aside, i have to go, i have to face the demon, i have to charge fully ahead and fight this beast, ill die either way, fighting to conquor it, or letting it control me one way or the other.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SASSISPRING 6/25/2007 5:22PM

    Clarification: I meant to say that I took the first level of antidepressant (Eflexxor 37.5mgs) and didn't increase the dose. I was on it for one year. I reread what I wrote and it was confusing, so just thought I'd clarify here.

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SASSISPRING 6/25/2007 5:18PM

    Hi, First on the other blog - I deleted a friend's post one time too. It's easy to do because the buttons are close together. I just laughed it off because it happens, so no worries you deleted my post. You got what you needed and that's the main thing. If I had come in and saw it gone, I would have known that you accidentally deleted it. :) Second, the depression is natural process. It means that you are attempting to move through all your issues, however, you move into depression because you get stuck. (not just you, anyone with depression) Depression is the feeling of hopelessness and usually comes on when one is struggling to overcome adversity. It's like a car going through bad roads, then *bang* gets stuck in the mud. Either the driver can bang the steering wheel and curse, or get out to create change, get that car moving again. It's the same with our lives. Either we can remain stuck or we can create change. It's not easy. Depression can also be chemical and when overweight, our hormones as women get all messed up. There is suppression of one type of hormone and increase of another and then, the more weight you are, the more the hormones get screwed up. You need a really good physical exam including blood tests and OA. It may mean that you don't get medication for the depression or it may mean that you do. You won't know until you know what type of depression you are dealing with. Even with antidepressant, you have control. When I went on an antidepressent due to high anxiety with driving (related to deaths in my family and my boyfriend), I only took the first dose - the most minimal amount one could take. It helped me to calm down my body's reaction to imaginary trauma and allowed me to work with my therapist through the deaths. Therefore, even if you do take an antidepressant, you can monitor how much and it may even allow you to work deeper on your own personal issues. The weather isn't affecting you, its the perceived notion that when it rains, you will "rain" too. It may be the lack of VitD from limited sunlight. I'd definitely advise talking with your doctor about all this, getting really good blood hormonal workup, get on board with OA even if its through the net (for now) and find a good therapist. Even in the USA there are low cost or free therapy, its simply a matter of searching (try a woman's centre or shelter - most will provide counselling free). Please accept my ((((hugs))))). Take good care ... oh and tears from the soul have cleansing qualities, so go ahead and cry. It truly does cleanse the soul. :) Friends, Bev

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NATIVITY4ME 6/24/2007 6:37PM

    jean, no, i dont feel you belittled me...its all been very helpful, and i thank you for that! sometimes we need rational shoved in our faces to see things thru the proper eyes. im 40 years old and not alot shocks me or upsets me anymore by anyone elses doing. i am what i am because i allowed myself to become like this. i MUST and HAVE to take ownership of this issue, if i am to overcome it. i am telling the world all of this, because the world seems to want to know. and to some degree, it is therapy to express it and release it and allow others to want to share, and/or assist/help. for that i am also days are great if there is little bad wearther on the horizon, or if there be bad weather, it passes with a quickness, otherwise, if i am sitting in a home thats gloomy and dreary, my emotional state and attitude seem to be triggered by the rain, dark clouds, and grey skies overhead. but i am also greatful for the rain as well, for OKLAHOMA needs it pretty bad. i myself have a quote that i try to remind myself when the days get bad and i want to crawl under a rock and sleep it all away: "you have to go thru the rain, in order to see the rainbow" its simply a reminder that we all face trials in every situation, and if we get thru them (enduring to the end) we are rewarded....MICHELLE

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JEANKEARNS 6/22/2007 5:27PM

I hope you don't feel that I have belittled the pain that you are feeling right now. From your blogs, I can sense that you are really and truly struggling and I do not think that just saying pull yourself up and dust your self off is going to solve things. But I do want you to see that there is hope. Your struggle is not hopeless. You are not hopeless. Don't give up.
If you feel like you need therapy you are probably right. If you have the means to seek it. I would like to encourage you to do so post haste.
Again, if OA is something that you think you need, do yourself a favor and don't put it off. You may feel embarrassed but everyone it that room will have faced the same struggles and embarrassment that you are currently facing. Struggles draw people together. You could forge some lifetime friendships that will be the bonds that help you break free of your addiction.
Look for every window, every little ray of light in that darkness and then go for it.
I'm praying for you.
As I've also said for my own hometown, "I wish it would just rain at night and be sunny during the day." I hope the sun comes out for you soon.

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you wanted a blog entry, heres the short of it...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

i wish i had something to blog about. sadly im stuck in the 300s and have NO motivation or desire (at this time) to even try to leave.

im a failure. and im being serious, not asking for pitty.

i have an issue with the food addiction, no matter what i know i should do, i cant help myself from being drawn to the carbs...and if im in an establishment that offers them, im right there getting them.
its like a drug for me, but im never happy simply because im eating...
but i DO recognize that i am an addict to food, carbs mostly.

i have canceled one drs visit, because im frustrated with his advice, and i canceld a nutritionist appt. because i havnt been following the rules.

why waste thier time?

this is the hardest thing i have ever had to try to accomplish on my own, and i have no support here at home, and no support groups i can go to to find support.

i do good to have enough energy to post the posts i post everyday.
im just basicly exisiting right now...

in essence i feel alone on an island and drifting about being tossed to and fro...


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANKEARNS 6/21/2007 9:23PM

    Don't give up. I notice here that you are repeatedly slamming yourself on this page. I know it's hard but you need to work on your positive self talk; your self image.
We look in the mirror and see things that we don't like but that is not really who we are. Who we are is on the inside. Even if you don't like who is on the inside, you need to realize that God does. He loves you for who you are. You are special in God's eyes. You can succeed simply because God loves you. He created you in His image and He will not abandon you regardless of your ups and downs.
Hang in there. I'm rooting for you. Your picture is up on my web page, I will say a prayer for you everytime I look at it.

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ZIRCADIA 6/19/2007 7:20PM

    You can really do this. We all fail at one time or another -- but if we continue to let things defeat us, we just stay there. But we don't have to. We can choose to make changes and improve. I agree with some of the other comments about making small goals for yourself so that you can feel those small successes. THEYADDUP! For real. And you may not have someone at home to lean on, but we are all here for you in SparkLand! *HUG*

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ACCTDRAGON 6/18/2007 2:27PM

    You can do this. It is hard. I know. I weighted 300 + in 1998 when I left my e-husband. It can be done. I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go to. Try focusing on just one thing at a time. Congradulate yourself when you manage to do that one thing all day long. Don't berate yourself when you fail. Everyone fails. The people who suceed are the ones who don't stop trying. Don't give up. The fact that you are willing to try means you can suceed. I love Pizza too. Try making one at home. Use a whole wheat crust-make one out of the cook book, and you can add items to it to give it more fiber which helps, and then use low fat cheese, and lots of vegetables. Try chicken on your pizza.

You can do this! Do you have some one who will walk with you? Do you have someone you can call and talk to? If not, e-mail me back and I will be your weight loss buddy. It helps to have one.

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NATIVITY4ME 6/15/2007 11:02AM

    omg! stupid site! crap, that long comments gone! UUUGH!!! i know i didnt hit deleate, cause the SHOULD be a box asking if your sure you really want to, crap! dang it! UUUGH! thankfull i did read thru the entire thing, and i was going to comment on it...has anyone ever told you sassi, you should write a book about how to help yourself beat those odds? cause, your well versed in the right way to deliver the message, man! THAT SO SUCKS ITS GONE!!! (sometimes i hate the net!)thank you for those kind words, the candle, matrches, and blanket...ill use them. i promise. i just feel frustrated having discussed GAStric bypass WITH MY DR, AND HE WAS ALL ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT ME GETTING IT DONE, AND THEN WHEN THE INSURANCE SENT THE DENILE LETTER stating that this proceedure ISNT within thier policy (when it is) and we researchrched it out and noted all we needed was an aproval letter, go tell the dr and he changed his tune on me right there on the spot, i feel like i put alot of weffort into this attmpt and got...nowhere. wasted work time for hubby, for...nothing. got my hopes up, for....not. its just discuraging, and frustrating and im trying to deal with all that...**SIGH** MICHELLE

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NATIVITY4ME 6/15/2007 12:06AM

    ok, so "loser" isnt the RIGHt word, bad choice of phrases, but its as close to the meaning as i can get. ive looked into OA here in my area and the meetings are all scheduled when hubbys working...a few are in the evenings but theres no guarentee that i can attend them because he woks at a call center and you get off when the last customers off the phone, not when the clock dictates...sometimes thats so frustrating. i DO FEEL, however that i need to talk to other ppl who deal with this issue...dieting is alot harder when your a food addict...and when no one else in the home even understands the issue, its that much harder. im not giving up, just..."stuck"...right not leaving, just depressed..i hate exposing it all like this...some ppl will think im looking for pitty, or whinning over spilt milk...this is an effort i have been living with all my life...and i get tired of attempting and failing, i wish, for once i could just get it done and it would be final...i dont understand how most of you can continuously lose the weight ,knowing its a daily struggle, and you yourselves have places that you linger, and you gain, but you do eventually, master this craft...this is the perfect site to use for that technique, i just feel like im in a dark room, alone, and given this and have no idea how i CANT make it work when i can see glimpses of others who are sucessful at it...**SIGH** MICHELLE

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SASSISPRING 6/14/2007 8:25PM


How can you be when you have identified the problem and identified the barriers? You are not.

Is there a OA group in your area?

Here is a link and it'll have groups in your area:

Here is online OA:

I understand the feeling alone and feeling like a loser - you are not alone and you are not a loser. Please check into these and even if you have in the past, its okay, try this again.

Sometimes we have to run in circles until we finally decide to stop and deal with the issue. It's okay.

Please don't give up on yourself. You are too important and precious to just give up.

((((((many hugs))))))

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NATIVITY4ME 6/14/2007 7:40PM

    thanks, thats nice to know.

i hate to burden anyone with the reason i havnt blogged. its the same issue day in and day out, day after day.

i just feel..."stuck"


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DYINGXINSIDE 6/14/2007 7:11PM

    i know how you feel, and although i can't be there to help you at home, i'm here if you ever need help and i will try my best Xxx

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Friday, April 13, 2007

well, a few things have happened since my LAST journal entry..

last you all read i went to the GASTRIC BYPASS seminar, and learned alot.
last saturday, i got a denial letter....they stated they had contacted my insurance company and the insurance company stated the 'SURGERY WAS AN EXCLUSION OF THE PLAN".
hubby swore he spoke to someone on the phone and they stated that GASTRIC BYPASS was within thier policy.
he emailed them about this "exclusion" and they replied back and told him where to find the info about the surgery as they require certain things to be done to facilitate such a request (naturally).
he printed up the information. and even the letter stating that i need a PRE-APROVAL letter from a physician before i can have the surgery...i was expecting that.

so, this past wednesday, i had my followup with the physician who REFERED me to this particualr GASTRIC BYPASS dr, and said to him, in order to get the surgery ill need a pre-aproval letter.

he changed hs song on me right there!

all of a sudden hes telling me too lose weight not have the surgery, and i tried to explain to him, the surgery was a nessessity because its not an issue to lose, but to maintain the weightloss. he wanted me too lose 3 pounds by next visit in a month.
hes also monitoring me for 6 months. not sure if thats for the aproval letter or what. but it seemed to fall in line with it. if so..pushes me back to the beginning of next year before i can have it...**sigh**

he also reitterated he wants me on a calorie intake of no more than 1800

i also attened a diabtic seminar and learned a ton of stuff about my diabetes (type 2) and learned the recommended intake for CARBS (yes carbs make sugars and thats an issue) is: 18 per meal...
that in itself has been quite a challange to over come because i have a home inundated (unknowingly until this seminar) with cabs!
my whole wheat (recommended bread) has 11 PER SLICE!! thats concidered close enough to one meal! (18 being the limit)

so for the past 2 days i have been hunting LOW CALORIE, LOW CARB has offered a TON of them, so i have quite a variety to choose from, as well as a couple of cook books i bought when i started to concider a life-style change.
buying whats needed for these recipes is the biggest challenge.

so, DR wants 1800 calories and told me to watch the calories and not worry wth the CARBS, and nutritionist stated the CARBS is why the sugars are so high in ppl like myself with diabetes.

this quest has gotten me exausted, and given me a headache as well.

i got the requirements for GASTRIC BYPASS:
100+ pounds over weight
44% BMI (body mass index)
type 2 diabetes
high blood pressure
high cholesterol

i tried to keep my hopes up when i was suffering thru the rejection of that denial letter, and im not gonna lie..i cried the entire weekend, and feel depressed still because it seemed my hopes had been smashed to bits and i couldnt figure out why...
my motivation has been minimal, my team has suffered a bit ebcause of that...

i at least do have a slight shinny hope that if i follow drs orders, maybe thru the progress of that, he can see over the next 6 months i really WOULD benefit by having the surgery..and hed offer the support of that pre-aproval letter.

its all i have to cling onto for that surgery right now.

so, sunday im starting my NEW routine...

1800 calories a day and no more than 18 grams of carbs a meal.

i figured it out to come to:
100-200 calories a meal (aloting for seconds and thirds) with NO more than 300 calories per meal (this also goes for any snacks in between meals too.

1800 divided by 6 = 300 (thats 3 meals and 3 snacks with no more than 100 calories per serving -- 3 servings each)
1800 dividee by 5 = 360 (3 melas and 2 snacks, no more than 100 calories a meal --3 1/2 servings each)
1800 divided by 3 = 600( 3 meals, no snacks no more than 100 calories a meal --6 servings each)

of course everything can be swapped out for more calories if i feel fuller as long as i dont go over the 1800 a day linit i can exchange and do what i want within that planning.

and 9 grams or less of CARBS (Aloting for more than one serving with no more than 18 grams of carbs per meal)

well see what happens.

ill be recording each meal in the food planner, perhaps even posting it in the blog to be held accountable to it.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SASSISPRING 6/11/2007 7:13PM

    ((many hugs))

tks for popping in and letting us know how you are doing, alive is a good thing, a very good thing! :D

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NATIVITY4ME 6/11/2007 9:27AM

    thanks for asking sassi, im alive.

been very busy on the weekends, posts get backed up alot when that happens, but i try to make up for it mondays and tuesdays for everyone so it all balances out.

hope all is well with you too.:-)


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SASSISPRING 6/11/2007 12:58AM

    just wondering how everything is going for you - thinking of you and hoping things are well

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NATIVITY4ME 5/15/2007 10:05PM

    ill have a new update after thrusday. i have another dr visit, which im dreading going too, because he isnt on the same mind set i am with this gastric bypass surgery. i have been given a tip on another dr, that works WITH his parients to get the proceedure done, by another former paitient of his that had the surgery 2003, and she and i go to church togehter. so well see what my dr says this time.


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ZIRCADIA 5/15/2007 8:58PM

    Hey, I was just coming by to check how you're doing. Any new updates??? :D

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KARHUR160 5/4/2007 4:24PM

    I hope that the doctor will see how much you want the surgery and will give you the approval letter once he sees how dedicated you are. Don't get discouraged. You will have the surgery, just not as soon as you were hoping for. I wish you the best.

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NORTHERNGIRL40 4/22/2007 12:35AM

    I've been thinking about you and hoping your would give an update. I know it is hard when you get a rejection like that, but look on the bright side. All the work you are doing now with balancing your calories throughout the day will really help after the surgery. Maybe you will be able to lose some of the weight before the surgery even happens. Whatever transpires, I am here (way up north) cheering you on.

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MOVETHESCALE 4/18/2007 10:31PM

    My sister-n-law did have the surgery. She had to work with the doctor for a few months also with a calorie range and show him her food diary and wiegh in. Her insurance company also required her to go to a counseling session and evaluation of her. They also required it after the surgery. She did lose alot of weight. Be sure you talk to people who have had this and what it is like during the months after. Its very important to understand the emotional issues and physical problems that may occur.

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AKAVILA 4/18/2007 7:48PM

    Michelle ~
I'm so sorry the approval didn't go through. After all the requirements met and doctor's approval, why do insurance companies be so darn difficult???

Bless you for continuing on with your "regimen" (sp?). Keep up the battle! I hope some good news falls into place for you!


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Friday, March 16, 2007

wednesday evening i had the opportunity (FINALLY!!!) to attend a gastric bypass seminar held in a city about 30 minutes from where i live here in OKLAHOMA

this particular seminar was hosted by one of the 2 drs: LANA NELSON.

she went thru ALOT of stuff...

explaining several things to the 14 of us who were there in hopes to be able to recieve the surgery.

a few points:

excess body fat results in serious health problems.
obesity is associated to te risk factor for over 30 health related issues.
obesity causes alot of ppl to epirience SOCIAL ISUES as well SELF ESTEEM ISSUES and often DEPRESSION.

she even went into BMI (BODY MASS INDEX)
if your BMI is between 20-24.9 thats ideal
if its: 25-29.9 thats overweight
if ts 30-39.9 is OBESE
50 un up is EXTREEM OBESE

there is NO guarentee that youll lose weight with either the GASTRIC BYPASS or the LAP BAND (which they also offer)

the average weight loss for GASTRIC BYPASS varies by individual, but the average is: 70% of thier excess weight. LAP BAND: 60-70%

pegnancy: they advise you try NOT to get pregnant until about 18 months AFTER surgery.

RISKS:because the majority of the ppl having this proceedure are obese there are certain complications that CAN occure. HEART ATTACK,STROKE, WOUND INFECTION,INTERNAL BLEEDING,HERNIAS, INJURY TO THE SPLEEN, SERIOUS INFECTIONS, ULCERS, BLOOD CLOTS, and STRICTURES. following the proceedure patieients may expirience: BOWEL PERFORATIONS or LEAKS IN BOWEL INCISSION which would require another surgical proceedure.
RISKS asociated to LAP BAND: the LAP BAND can slip, REODE TO THE STOMACH which would result in another surgery, or BAND removal.
for both of these proceedures the occurance of any issue such as these happens 10% of the time..
and of course DEATH being the big issue to try to avoid.
GASTRIC BYPASS happens 1 in every 200 ppl
LAP BAND: 1 in every 900 ppl.

one individual behind me asked how many ppl died last year at this facitly with either surgery and dr nelson explained last year there was a 0 loss in paitients associated to the surgery or because of the surgery.
but it doesnt mean it cant or wont happen. if anyone dieds the statistics have shown it to be because of complications due to the surgery.

recovery time is alot shorter now a days as opposed to when this proceedure forst became popular. with GASTRIC BYPASS youd most likely be in the hospital 2 days and recover at home, back to work in 2-4 weeks.
LAP BAND: out patient, back to work in a week

after the surgey it is advised to eat high protine foods.

there are risks to having kidny and gallstones due to the inadiquate water intake after surgery. they advise after surgery to drink at least 6 LARGE glasses of water a day.

theres even a place to go with these ppl if your insurance denies the operation. they have provided each of us with a law firm that specializes in the push to get the surgery completed.

at the end she told us if the insurance policy aproved the surgery some of us could actually be in the operating room within 6 weeks.

i doubt ill have that opportunity, but it would be nice if i did.

hope for anyone else concidering either GASTRIC BYPASS or LAP BAND i provided enough information here to assist with your decission...


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARMIZC 3/20/2007 1:58PM

    If this is what you want, then go for it. Like everything, though, you have to be commited to it. I know people who have had it and put not all of it, but some back on.

I wish you success in whatever path you are striving for!


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LITLMEE 3/18/2007 8:09PM

  My knowledge on this kind of surgery is limited to one aquaintence who had it. (sorry if I can't spell tonite. I'm too lazy to pick up the dictionary.) Anyway, she did not give me all the unpleasant details but she was sooooo happy she did it. Last time I saw her I hardly recognized her. She was young, unmarried and wanting a faimly. Men hardly looked at her let alone asked her out. Its too bad people don't look at the inside as well as the outside before they walk away. She wasn't having trouble getting men's attention when I saw her last. I know your reasons are medical but when you do this there is going to be such a boost to your self esteem, as well:)

Just a quick question. I'm not computer illiterate any more but I'm still techno-challenged. What happens when you subscribe to someone's blog? This site is the full extent of my computer social life and for the most part I'm quite ignorant of acceptable behavior. I like to know what I'm doing before I do it. At least I have that option in one area of my life.

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NORTHERNGIRL40 3/18/2007 12:36AM

    I'm glad you were able to get so much information on this surgery. If this is what you think is best, I hope you are able to get in soon, then you can begin moving on from here. I know we talked about this before, so I wish all the best to you.

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JUSTTRISH 3/16/2007 3:48PM

    I thought about doing this, but I was too afraid of sagging skin, but then I'm older than you. I figured that if I wanted to not eat for two weeks and eat baby food for a month, I could just "pretend" I had the surgery and do that.

I hope it works for you, if you decide to do this. It's not an easy thing to go through and it's not all that great to live with either, but if you feel this is your only choice, and you've tried everything else, then you gotta do what you gotta do and we will be here to support you.


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