Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 egg-white, bacon, grated cheese, 1 clementine
Lunch: Fasolia gigantes, lettuce, feta cheese
Snack: Protein shake
Dinner: Fasolia gigantes, lettuce, feta cheese
Snack: Protein shake, 2 clementines
I've already soaked the beans for tomorrow. I wanted to add melty cheese on top, but I will resist. No cheese beats feta, anyway. :P I need to get some vegetables other than lettuce and some fruit other than clementines. I also need to buy a magnesium supplement because the bloating is ridiculous again and it won't go away. I'm trying not to get frustrated, but it's getting hard. =/
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
They say that you only fain when you give up, so I guess I haven't failed. I'm back again!!!1
My last comeback was too long ago. It didn't last though. I have Hashimoto's and it keeps getting worse. Last May, I went to a new endocrinologist. He told me to go off the T4 for a month and I did it. It was so awful. I wasted my entire summer. When I wasn't too tired to get up from bed, I was asleep. In the end of that month, I was 21 lbs heavier. I went back for tests and he told me that I had been on the right dose and to keep it up... Just... no words. Nothing.
The worse part was that I gave up. I had bought this new pair of pants, which I couldn't pull up by the end of June and I threw it away. I had been making a charm bracelet: one charm for each goal met. I threw that away, too. I was done. Really done.
But by October, I'd realized that I can't do it. I can't give up. I can set crazy goals and fail and stop for a while or decide to take a break because it's Christmas and I don't want to miss out on anything, but I can't say that I'm never going to lose weight and just stop. Not when I know what I'm capable of. Not when I look forward to going home because nobody makes baked beans and ratatouille like my mom does. You don't know how surreal it is for me to say this.
I'm a new person and I can't wrong myself like this, I just can't. This weight loss process is taking too long and I get tired of it and I need help, but I don't know what kind of help, so I can't even ask for it, but I'm in it for the long haul. So, I'm starting over. I've already lost 17 out of the 21 lbs, but I only started tracking on Sunday. I'm doing all the steps on Sparkpeople again. I'm trying to go back to where I was when I first started and lost those 62 lbs. Hopefully this will work. If not, I'll just do the coming and going until I'm at goal 3 years later, I don't care. I just know that I'll do it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
So... I'm back again. When I was last here, I thought I weight 145 lbs, because that's what my scales said. I was very happy with what the scale said, but I didn't like the way I looked. So, I bought a new scale. And I found out the other new scale was broken, just like the old scale had been. I thought something was wrong because it needed new batteries every other day or so, but I was *so* happy with the number... Eventually, I got tired of buying so many new batteries and I just bought a new scale. Again.
I really didn't want to get on that new scale. I let it sit there next to my bed and every day I would look at it, I'd flip it the finger and then I'd get into an argument with my cats. See, they like to think that my first priority when I wake up is to feed them, but my bladder disagrees. Anyway, I digress. So, I was talking about the new new scale. I did get on it one day. Wanna know what it said? It said 165 lbs. Yep. That's why I wasn't happy with how I looked. Because I was 20 lbs fatter than I thought I was. I kinda knew it, ngl. But I have such a faulty image of myself anyway, and I really, really wanted to weigh 145 and so I bought it. I felt like such a fraud and such a disgrace and a liar and I couldn't even deal with it, so I just left. I even stopped talking to people irl because I was so embarrassed. At first I said that I was going to stay there and I was going to like it and I did stay there, but I did not like it. And now I started gaining and I don't want to. I'm fat enough as it is.
So, here I am, at 170 lbs and I'm starting again. I want to get down to 136,4. I'm not going to do any of those "OMG, I MUST LOSE WEIGHT EVERY SINGLE DAY AND I MUST EXERCISE ALWAYS AND I CAN'T CHEAT 'CAUSE I HAVE TO BE PERFECT" that I used to. I've mentioned before that I have Hashimoto's and I also have a problem with my knees. I used to think of those as excuses, but they're not. When I've done nothing but go out and have coffee for a couple of hours and yet I'm sitting on the couch and I'm short of breath and I'm tired and cold and depressed and I don't want to do anything, that's not because I'm lazy and useless, that's because I'm sick and I'm having a bad day. And it's OK to skip my workout on that day. It will hurt me a lot less than the way I mentally and physically abuse myself does. That has stalled my progress a lot more than anything else has. So, I'll have to make a new plan that I can follow and find a way to be kind of OK with my limitations. And I have to stop feeling like a loser because I have those limits (LOL, fat chance).
Ahahaha, I love how I make all these decisions and they're right and I seem like I'm making all this progress and I pat myself on the shoulder but then I'm like "shut up and run, you useless f**k-up, you don't limp for that long afterwards, you fat piece of s**t". But no, I really mean it this time. Anyway, whatever, I will be thin one day. That is true. So, there.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I've readjusted my goals. I was supposed to reach 143 until June 6th. I'm 165 now, so it's not gonna happen. So now, I'm supposed to reach 143 by August 12th. Great job, Maria! I decided not to beat myself up over it, though. I think that I was right to take all these breaks. If I keep this up for a long time, I start obsessing over it and I start getting too controlling with food. I'll exclude things that I shouldn't, I'll freak out over eating anything that I haven't cooked... And I also get judgemental towards others while constantly patting myself in the back. That's not right, either. And it's nice to come back from 2 weeks of not tracking and seeing no gain and knowing that I still got in my exercise and I ate a lot better than I used to.
If I keep up exercising like I do now and eat at around 1200 calories, I'll probably be at 143 before August. And then I can increase protein, water and ST so I can build muscle. It will be easier, because I won't have to go to school either, so I'll have enough time to exercise all I want (cardio takes for ever, because all I can do is walk) and go to the bathroom. Yeah, 22 glasses of water send you there often. I don't know what it's like to live in the present, so I'm already thinking about what I'll do next and what it will be like when I'm at goal and trying to lose weight isn't a big part of my day, but it's not time yet. I can freak out all I want in ten weeks from now. Now I'd better get my ST in.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I've gotten a stomach bug and I've spent the last two days in the bathroom. I also puke and I have a fever. When I'm not in the bathroom, I just sit here and stare into nothing. I watched CSI Miami, which I hate, because it took me 40 mins to realize that that's what it was. I haven't eaten all day. I only drink water and coke. I also can't breath for some reason. I'm dying. At least, now I know how the poor math teacher felt when he had gastroenteritis and we kept laughing so he'd go to the bathroom and we'd get to skip class. Not fun. Also, karma is a *censored*. Serves me right, though.
I haven't exercised today, obviously. I tried yesterday. It was a mistake. I'm doing the Official Spring Into Shape Bootcamp Challenge and I did butt exercises. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sore today. Bleh. Good workout, though. I better lose some weight because of this.
In other news I had defrosted meatballs in marinara sauce and since I can't eat them, I gave them to the cats. Only Regina ate meatballs, though. Morgana opted for the tomatoes. I don't know what is wrong with that cat. At least Regina appreciated it...
Dammit, the bathroom is calling again. %$%$^%^&$^
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