Monday, January 12, 2009
The hardest goal for me to keep is the actually releasing the weight.
I can excercise, cut calories, eat my five to eight fruits and vegetables, but the weight comes off in its own good time. It is coming off, but not always as fast as I would like.
sometimes I go for long periods of time before I see the scales start to move.
Friday, January 09, 2009
I was first introduced to the twelve-step program several years ago, after I was layed off from a job that I had. I was devasted, I was scared. It was a very low point in my life and a dear friend gave me the book, "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. Colleen was a graduate of overeaters annonymous, and she wrote the book using the 12 step program and the Book of Mormon.
I was very intrigued by the book and went through every single step. I could feel the healing power of the atonement help me to get over, heal and do some heavy duty forgiving during that time, but I couldn't see how the book could help with overeating.
But the healing power and Love I felt from the Savior as I went through the program was phenomenal!
A year or so later , I wanted to feel the Savior's love that strong again so, I again went through the book. I realized at that time that some of the things that had plagued me the first time I went through the book had been healed and resolved. But, since I am still mortal struggling with the effects of the fall, there is always another layer to heal, and again I was healed, but I still hadn't figured out how to bring the 12 step program into eating. It was good for the emotional stuff, but the physical stuff? How?
I had read or heard the talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks that we don't need to pray over everything. In the talk, Elder Oaks tells of a young groom who actually prayed while grocery shopping over what brand to purchase. Elder Oaks said we don't need to get that detailed in our prayers. used the study it out in your mind scripture. And yet, the Book of Mormon says to pray over our crops, our families etc.
So how do you pray over you diet and healthy lifestyle and not be too fanatical and start praying over which brand of food to eat?
Last year I found a quote that said,
If it's not worth praying about, it's not worth worrying about.
That's when I started to pray on this journey. No, I was not praying over what food to eat, over each and every bite I put in my mouth. BUT, I was starting out the day asking for help in keeping my appetite in control. I asked for help in understanding my body. I asked for strength to do what I actually knew was right, to keep motivated etc.
The process or the grace that I felt happened came line upon line, here a little there a little, and in the beginning was a little bit hard to see. While it was not immediate, I can now look back and see how Grace has helped me in the journey.
When I was pregnant with my youngest child, who is now 23, I started having symptoms of hyperglycemia, or low blood sugar.
I struggled to get my eating under control, because the lower my blood sugar got the more I had to eat.
Fasting was near impossible. I got the sweats and shakes, terrible headaches, the feeling like I could pass out and even upset stomaches, eating to raise my blood sugar level could relieve all of that.
A few years later I had two grand-mal seizures that the doctor said was because of low sodium, potassium and high blood sugar.
Over time, through little bits of grace thrown to me here and there, I started to learn about how protein can keep the blood sugar more stable.
Eating cold cereal would cause my blood sugar to tumble, but oatmeal whole grain cereal could keep my blood sugar in check until noon. I learned about the glycemic index, I learned about how lo-carb eating helps people with blood sugar issues. These bits of knowledge came here and there, when I was ready to hear it. It's like the saying goes, "When you are ready the teacher will come."
I read comments on sparkpeople that helped, I picked up a magazine with a tip that I just knew could help me. etc.
I learned little tricks like the bikini diet to help with portion control. All of these things came about as little tender mercies of His grace.
I learned that I can fast, IF I pray and ask for help to do so, otherwise I get sick. That is grace where you can see it immediately.
Today, because of all that I have learned about my diet I very rarely get a low blood sugar attack. When I get my blood tested at the doctor's office they see no problems with blood sugar. That is his Grace completely taking over.
Last year, I started walking and I was able to keep it up faithfullly from June until November. When I came indoors to do the stationary bicycle so I wouldn't have to be in the weather I was up to 30 minutes. Whoo Hoo.
I quit in November, because my schedule got crazy. I was appalled mid-December to see how quickly I had lost momentum. I could no longer make 30 minutes, 20 minutes was difficult.
I prayed over even that. This next little bit is hard to explain, because you would have had to experience it to understand what I am talking about.
I prayed to have the stamina, desire or something to get back into shape, because my motivation was gone. The very next time I got on the bicycle it seemed easier somehow. I was still huffing and puffing, and sweating. I had not yet got back to the 30 minutes where I had ended in October, but nevertheless it seemed easier somehow. I can't explain it, I only know that I felt it.
I am now back to 30 minutes of excercise and ready to go to the next level. I know that I was helped. God is there for me, and He wants me to do this. I can't totally explain it, other than I have experienced it.
I have personally experienced His Grace on this journey. Yes, the weightloss has been much slower than anticipated, but I am happy with what I have lost. I have seen my stinkin thinkin be replaced my more truthful thinking.
I know that if we will turn to God, he will help us with the details. His grace is available, when we ask for it. I am now more committed than ever to seek his help in the details of my life.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
As I read your blogs and answers to message boards, and as I continue to release weight it triggers different layers in my pysche that have not yet been completely resolved. Its like we make a change for the better, and we have another layer of stuff to deal with. It's very similar to peeling an onion. There is always another layer, but each layer we peel away we get closer to the real me, the Daughter of God, the woman that God wants me to be.
We are the sum total of our experiences both good and bad.
I heard once that feelings buried alive never die, and I believe that is true.
So here I am at another layer, the mother daughter connection. First off, I want to say that by many standards, I have a wonderful mother. It's just that we are born to this mortal condition. Our mothers are imperfect and so are we. The Lord sent me to two good parents who were imperfect. That was part of my package of learning to recognize the good from the evil. They did the best they could with the knowledge and experience that they had, but they didn't always do everything perfect and as such I received some bruises that needed healing along the way. Each generation tries hard not to repeat the mistakes of the past generation only to make their own set of mistakes.
Scene 1 - My mother, though a good woman, was frumpy. She didn't do to much to take care of herself and let herself go. For many years I was angry at that. I was embarrassed by that. And yet I have some aunts the exact opposite and I was actually frightened by that. They were ornery. I guess my mother choose this path as a rebellion of her ornery sister.
One of the reasons why I was angry with my mother was I didn't want to be like her, I didn't want her health problems. etc. etc.
I have since recognized that she is the product of her own choices. Just because she is my mother doesn't mean I have to make the same choices she did.
And in making that recognition it has also helped me to have a better relationship with her. Instead of constantly criticizing her, I can now say, "That's her. That's the choices she made. I need to accept her for that, but I don't need to make those same choices."
Scene 2- I found my grandmother's history.(my grandmother died 30 or more years ago) The history was wonderful. It was written in first person and was in so much detail. I mentioned that to my mother and my mother could only say, "Well she left out so many details."
What my mother was really saying was that no matter how wonderful my grandmother was , there were areas in my mother's life that my grandmother made mistakes, or was not able to nurture the way my mother wanted nurturing.
My mother will not make pie crust because my Grandmother used to always criticize my mother about her pie crusts.
My mother doesn't like to decorate Christmas trees because my aunt would always critique how my mother did it, and my mother felt that Grandma should have stepped in and spared her that humiliation. etc.
Scene 3- Now my daughter is coming back and criticizing me for the way I raised her. I will admit that life was not perfect. We had our share of teasing, and nagging in my house. But we had good times too, just as I did in my youth and my mother did in her youth.
Somewhere inside of all this mother daughter relationship baggage we each carry around with us, we have to be greatful for the good times, and not forget that we had those good times as we sort through the hurts of our past.
Even in the not so good times we need to be greatful for those as well, for they also have shaped us to be who we are today.
If I wanted to idealize my mother in all aspects of her life, I would not be working so hard to make healthy choices. Because I was embarrassed by her choices, I am now consciously making better choices for me.
We try so hard not to make the same mistakes our parents made that we make our own set of mistakes.
But that is one of the problems of earth life, or mortality. We make mistakes we cannot completely fix.
I have faith in the atonement to help me fix and heal what I cannot do on my own, and I have faith that the atonement will heal my daughter of my mistakes as soon as she is ready to reach out to her Savior to heal her. That's all anyone can ask for.
Someday I hope that my daughter will see that we had some good times as well. I never meant to hurt her.
Soon enough she will learn that because she also has a daughter, and the cycle is repeated.
Thank heaven for the Christ and the wonderful gospel plan. A plan fo healing and hope.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Sadly, my husband is very obese, but he refuses to do anything about it.
Nevertheless, he allows he most of the time does not interfere with how I want to eat.
When I first switched to a smaller plate for dinner he made a few comments. Now when he sets the table he sets the smaller plate on for me.
I used to bring goodies into the house all the time, and now he doesn't do so as much.
I wish I could get him motivated to go along with me on this journey, but he feels that he can't, so that is where we are at.
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