Monday, March 19, 2012
I'm ashamed to admit that I have been binge eating sweets almost nonstop every night since I started work. In 10 days, I've gained back 4 pounds (and I was surprised that it was only 4 pounds with the way I've been eating).
I'm having a really hard time adjusting to my new schedule...I'm exhausted when I get home and I have had trouble sleeping all the way through the night. Although everyone at work has been super nice and very patient, I feel very anxious and nervous at work. I feel like I have to prove myself as smart and nice every second I'm there. It is EXHAUSTING making small "get to know you" conversation with my coworkers and answering their 21 personal questions about where I'm from, my family situation, where I live, what I do after work, etc. I know they're just trying to be friendly, but since I haven't worked in almost 3 years, I haven't been around people on a regular basis. I feel bombarded and cornered, and honestly, I feel pressure to fit in like I'm some high school kid again. It's very weird to 'hope people like me' at my age.
Anyway, my eating has been completely out of control and it has been super hard to get back on track. I'm praying every day for strength and determination.
Friday, March 09, 2012
Okay y'all, it's hitting me now...on Monday I will be starting a new full-time job after not working for THREE YEARS! Tony and I were going over my benefits information and talking about how electing to put 6% into my 401k plan to get the full matching contribution is a good idea...it feels so weird to be talking about these things again.
I'm no stranger to working full-time. I had a corporate job for seven years before leaving to finish my degree, and it's all coming back to me. I remember all the stress involved - waking up at the crack of dawn and rushing to make it to work on time, deadlines and pressure to meet objectives, feeling exhausted at the end of the day, having to work evenings and weekends to finish projects. I remember the anxiety of performance reviews and the frustration over beaurocratic red tape. I remember having to wear suits every day and feeling nervous in meetings with corporate leaders.
But I also remember the good things about working - getting my own paycheck and being able to contribute to our family's expenses, working with good people and sharing laughs and venting sessions, dressing up, curling my hair, wearing make-up, looking nice and feeling confident, having a purpose and making an important contribution to a company. It feels good to be a productive part of society - part of the hustle and bustle of downtown. It made me feel more alive.
This is a huge change for me, but a really positive one. I'm excited to embrace my new career. (I just hope the transition is an easy one.)
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
I have been on a diet my whole adult life. Seriously, for as long as I can remember, I've been watching everything I eat - counting "net" carbs, counting calories, not eating anything white, eating only soup, eating only fruit, eating twice a day - then once a day, then every other day, not eating after 8 pm, Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig, Optifast, Medifast, etc. You name the diet, I've been on it. And during the brief periods I wasn't strictly adhering to some diet regimen, I was binge eating out of control on anything and everything I could get my hands on and feeling so guilty afterward that I feverishly searched for some new diet plan that I could devote to that might work. This is the definition of disordered eating.
Now I am eating a plant-based, super healthy diet that allows me to eat fruits, vegetables, legumes and beans in unlimited amounts until I feel full. This means that I can literally stuff myself with huge bowls of berries, apples, and bananas for breakfast; a big bowl of lentil soup AND a huge romaine lettuce salad for lunch; and then another huge plate of spinach salad with veggies and a sweet potato for dinner. I always feel full...but then I always feel weirdly guilty because I associate this "full feeling" with binge eating. In the past, I only felt full after a binge.
I know that this plan is working because I've lost weight and feel good eating very healthy meals. But it seems too easy...like it's too good to be true and I might find out that my scale is broken or I'll get on the scale tomorrow and be back up 10 pounds suddenly. It's hard to relax and just enjoy good food without having to worry so much about the ramifications of eating.
I am grateful to God for answering my prayers and guiding me toward a way of eating that is healthy and that works for me. Now I need to figure out how to NOT to feel like I'm on a diet, and how NOT to feel guilty about food. Does this make sense?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I have been avoiding getting on the scale since last week's BIG binge and the "recovery" mini-binges I've had every day until yesterday. I just KNEW I would be back up to where I started before embarking on the plant-based plan. When I saw the scale read 130, I had to get on it three times to make sure it was right...then I went down to the basement to check my workout room scale and it showed 129. WOW! I don't understand how this weight loss could have happened considering all of the stress/emotional eating I've been doing lately. I think sometimes God gives you a surprise blessing to keep you going when He knows you're trying. THANK YOU GOD for inspiring me to keep going!
The crazy thing is that I don't notice any real changes in the way my body looks. I measured my waist at 31" which is down from the 34" it measured when I weighed 150, so I know I'm getting smaller, but I don't notice my clothes fitting more loosely and I can still see the fat roll on my stomach from the back. I think that in order to see the changes I'm hoping for, I need to kick my exercise up a notch, and I need to keep my strength training consistent.
With today's weigh in, I'm only 10 pounds away from my ideal weight of 120. Wow, I haven't weighed 120 in almost 4 years! It's hard to believe I've already lost 20 pounds. It feels weird to be so close to my goal. I'm SUPER motivated to see that number on the scale. When I do, I'm going to post a picture in the same black swimsuit I wore when I was 150, so my 30 pound weight loss is documented. It will feel fantastic to post my "AFTER" picture!
I know I keep harping on this plant-based eating plan, but I HIGHLY RECOMMEND it if any of you are having issues losing weight. It took me almost a whole year to lose the first 10 pounds by meticulously counting calories and exercising portion control, and working out almost an hour 3x a week. With Dr. Fuhrman's plan, I have lost 10 pounds in less than 2 months, and I'm not counting calories at all. And as y'all know, I haven't even been consistent! The plan is so easy - you can have an UNLIMITED amount of vegetables, fruits and beans. I know it sounds difficult, but it's much easier than you think, and it's the healthiest eating plan there is.
THANK YOU ALL for reading my blogs, and motivating and inspiring me on my journey! I wouldn't have been able to do this without you guys, and this site!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I got the job. I GOT THE JOB!
THANK YOU SPARK FRIENDS for your support and encouragement during my interview process!
I'm grateful, relieved, and excited about my new job. But right now I feel a STRONG urge to eat bad food. It may be because I binged yesterday and every time I binge, it's hard to get back on track the next day, but man these cravings are REAL! I'm going to try to pray and meditate it away. It's crazy how ANY strong emotions, good or bad, could lead to a binge. Crazy indeed!
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