Friday, June 08, 2012
My youngest son and daughter came home today to spend the week-end. My son asked what was going to be for dinner. He had asked several weeks ago if I could make his favorite "Beef Stroganoff" for dinner sometime. I had told him that I would but had not been able to work it into my menu. Well Okay, I bought the ingredients but didn't have time to make the dinner. Tonights the night. So when my son asked what's for dinner? I answered Stroganoff. I love stroganoff----not the hamburger helper kind-----the kind made with real chunks of meat. I haven't made this dinner since since my youngest son left for college. My youngest daughter said that she didn't know that I could make stroganoff. I told her that before she was born I used to make it all the time and that after she left for college I had made it again one day and it became Kaevon's favorite meal. It's funny how a long forgotten meal that I used to prepare often could be not eaten by one of my children. Just maybe we should go through the old family favorite recipes so that I can make sure the kids have the opportunity to eat food from some of my past cooking history back when I used to cook more elaborate than I have since our family had a house full of athletes and soccer games and trips with NO TIME TO COOK. BON APPETIT.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Happy birthday Kaevon, to you I give a family that totally adores you. I give to you and your siblings all the love that God holds in His hands. Just in case you didn't know, you and your siblings are a miracle and gift to me from God and the most precious gift that any person could ever want. You have given me years of laughter, friendship, kept me on my toes, and someone that I could share my cats with. You are a kind and caring person, the same as your siblings. I miss our gardening and landscaping projects. I miss the woodworking projects that we built for the yard. You are off to college studying and I am so proud that you have the ambition to learn and reach for the stars.
Today is my baby's birthday. Today he turned 20 years old, he's not a teenager anymore. He has been a delight to me since the first day he came into my life. He is the youngest of five children and became my best buddy as the older siblings went off to college and as their lives became consumed with other activities that is associated with growing up. We bonded as I was experiencing the first stages of the "empty nest syndrome" and he experiencing being the only child let at home.
I have 3 daughters and 2 sons, but not in that order. My oldest daughter was born 12 days after my 20th birthday. Something horrible happened during the birth of my first daughter. The doctor that delivered her had been caring for patients that day for 24 + hours. When she was born, he was so tired that he just wanted to get home and rest. Instead of waiting for the placenta to release, he pulled it loose so he could finish sooner. Unfortunately a whole was torn in my uterus and I lost over 7 units of blood, a specialist was called, extreme packing was applied and four hours later I was stabilized. So much scarring and damage was done that I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant or be able to carry a baby to full term even if I did get pregnant. My child was healthy and that was the most important thing to me. I didn't see any future children for me since her father had died in a car hit by a drunk driver. I know my life seems to be a soup opera but sometimes life is stranger than fiction and riddled with stress.
I married again some eight years later. I met a man that was so kind and gentle, not only to me but to my daughter. My daughter on one occasion when he brought us home from an all day outing, looked up and asked, " Will you marry my mother so you can be my daddy?" He turned red and was at first speechless. He stammered, saying," I don't know, it is up to your mother. She may not want me to be your daddy." As adults we were both on the spot. I told my daughter that this was an important decision to make and we need to talk about it first. She said okay and was ready to head off to bed. This brought our lives to a new level.
After marriage and numerous miscarriages, I got pregnant with my 2nd child. We were desperate to have a second child and Polly so wanted a baby brother or sister. My husband was in pharmacy college so life was a little lean. I worked full-time in a fabric store as a salesclerk and upholstery/ drapery department manager. Life was tough but we were happy. If we could have this one child our family would be complete. My husband went to one of his professors to ask if he knew a doctor that he could recommend. We needed help to see if we could carry this pregnancy to full term . He recommended two different specialists and we chose one. He cared for me as a high risk pregnancy and as we neared the end of my pregnancy we became the parents of a beautiful healthy baby boy. Life was good, life was great, God answered my prayers and made our lives complete. Kooroush was born 2 months after my 30th birthday. I now had a 10 year old and a new born. Both gifts from God and the love overflowed within me from receiving such a blessing. A blessing that was never to have happened.
I had almost given up on having more children after my first child was born. I knew that considering all the facts given it most likely wouldn't happen. I had told my husband that if I didn't get pregnant before I was 30 I was going to give up the dream of another child. I told him that my heart was to sad to keep praying and wanting a child to share with him.
Zheila came so unexpectedly at 20 months 2 weeks after Kooroush was born. She was so tiny compared to Polly and Kooroush. For the first 6+ months I didn't realize that I was expecting. We were adding a new bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom to our tiny house. We hired a builder to frame up the add-on and we would finish the interior as we could find the time. I was working on the interior 15+ hours per day, 7 days a week. Taking care of the children and trying to finish the interior before winter set in was a challenge. I was so tired that I didn't notice any signs of pregnancy if I even experienced any. I told my mother That I was worried because I had a hard knot in my stomach. I was worried that maybe I had a tumor. She asked if it was possible that we were going to have a baby and I said no. But that was not the case. Zheila was born one month before my 32nd birthday. Zheila was to be the last new addition to our family. Our family was complete.
It seems that what was once keeping me from having a child was now healed. Four years after Zheila's birth God saw fit to bring another child into our lives. Another little girl, born on Friday the 13th---one of the luckiest days of our lives. She was to be our last child, the baby of the family. Three girls and one boy-a nice even number. Zheila was our little miss prim and proper. Loving to wear girly, girly dresses. She could wear white and stay clean all day. Solmoz was always into everything, She copied every thing her big brother did. She was his shadow and greatest admirer. She was also Daddy's girl all the way. She would refuse to go to bed until daddy got home from work. By this time Dad worked his forty hours in the hospital pharmacy Friday-Sunday. She would sit by the front door until Daddy came home from work so he could tuck her in.
Four years later, Kaevon was born about a year before I turned 40. He looked so different than my other four children, born with pretty red hair and green eyes. He had the whitest, fairest skin that I had ever seen. Kooroush was so happy to have a little brother. He is eight years older than his little brother but you wouldn't know that if you saw then play. I told Kooroush one day, " You know one day you will out grow him and you might feel that he is in the way when you want to hang with your friends. Remember when this happens, he loves you-you are his world, so be kind to him and show him patience. Kooroush assured me "no I won't do that, it won't happen." And as the boys grew older so has their friendship grown.
So Kaevon, even though you are growing up and getting older, you have given me many years of joy and laughter. You have helped your sibling shape me into a better person than I knew possible. For this I thank you. To you I give roots so that you can be grounded and have substance. You will always have family. I give you love and choice so that you can spread your wings and fly as high possible -- be whatever you choose to be, accomplish your dreams. If you are happy then I will be happy. So have a happy birthday son because the day you came into my life was a happy birth day for me. XOXO
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
I love the new lifestyle that I have given myself. It is really working for me. In the past everything had to be black and white and no deviation was allowed. If I MESSED UP it would be totally unforgivable. My old life was so stress-driven and I was an emotional basket case. I could do nothing right and I could not forgive myself no matter how big or small the action was. I was a loser that was getting fatter by the minute. I had such a love-hate relationship with myself that I could not understand why anyone would want to be my friend or even like me. I wanted to die so I would not be in the way of those I loved.
A wonderful thing happened to me that helped change my life. My children gave me a strong helping of tough love and demanded that I step up to the plate and take my turn in the batting cage and I was not allowed to strike out and quit. My children said that I had never let them quit and they weren't going to let me quit either. I tried to use the argument that I was so big, fat, and ugly that I was an embarrassment to them--- I knew that I was because I was an embarrassment to me. I told them that I couldn't do it--I couldn't lose the weight. I was almost 360 lbs. and getting fatter every time I went on a diet. I was tired of losing weight and then gaining back all the weight lost plus gaining an extra 20-30 pounds.
My kids insisted that they would be there for me, they would not give up on me but I had to to do the work that was needed. They would get me the literature on losing weight, get me workout routines, they would walk with me, exercise with me, and they would eat whatever kind of food that I needed to so that I would not have to cook for myself one meal and cook for them a different meal. I was backed into the corner---Wasn't this what I wanted, someone that was willing to stand by me and help me get back the strength that I had so many years ago. I was tried of crashing and burning. I was tried of getting fatter and more unhealthy with each passing day. I wanted change, I wanted a better me from the inside out and I knew where to go to get a new me.
I told the kids that I had signed up with SP four years ago but I didn't stay with it because I needed the food that it recommended and not the food dad insisted that we eat. They said that they would talk to dad. They assured me how much their dad loved me and was worried about me. I said I know that he loves me but he doesn't know as much about nutrition as he thinks he does. I can't keep eating like I do to lose weight and get healthy. He says eat less and I said I have to eat healthy. He says instead of eating a cup of gravy and a couple of biscuits I should eat 1/2 cup gravy with one biscuit for breakfast. I would say that I need 7-9 servings of vegetables and fruit daily and he would say that we couldn't afford fruit and vegetables. I told him that I couldn't keep eating so many startchy vegetables and white rice that I needed whole grains in my diet.
My kids said if it's about the diet we will get that problem straightened out. They spoke to their dad and they told him even though I was not an athlete I had to eat healthy like one so that I could lose the weight and regain my health. They said that if he didn't get me the food that I needed they would.
They told him that he couldn't say anything negative to me about my weight and not stare me down when I did eat. He told them that he wanted me healthy so that is why he did all those things. He wanted to force me to lose weight. The kids asked him if it was working or did it just hurt my feelings. He said it wasn't working but he was afraid that I was going to die and he was going to lose me. He said if it meant making me mad enough that I would lose the weight it would be worth it. They said Dad that is the point, it hurts her feelings, she then eats because she is stressed out. She gains more weight. You watch her eat, say things and everything gets worse. They said to their dad that he had to make sure that I had the right kind of food to eat, let me follow whatever program that I wanted without telling me if I was doing it the right or wrong way. They told him that he had to be supportive and not scold me if he thought that I wasn't getting enough exercise or if he thought that I was doing it wrong. He said that he wanted me to be healthy and happy so he would do what ever was needed.
So I am 2 1/2 months into SP and it's not a DIET it's a LIFESTYLE change. It allows for flexibility, it allows for a stress free life, it allows you to like yourself and not beat yourself up. The family eats what I eat so that cooking a separate meal for them is eliminated. Now the the family wants the recipes that I get from SP so they can cook some of the healthy delicious meals while at college. Works for me. Even my husband has enjoyed the SP meals. Our lives together now are kinder and more gentle. We are going through a phase of getting reacquainted. My husband asks if he can walk with me so that I will be safe. We talk and laugh together as we walk. When he thinks that I'm not looking, I see him smiling at me. I have less than a pound to lose to have lost 25 pounds. He tells me how proud he is of me when I loose weight or I have a good blood pressure reading. Our life together, thanks to our kids, is back on track. Life has to have both hope and promise. SP has given this to me and so have my kids. If you love something enough you just don't give up. You stand tall until the person that you are helping is able to stand tall with you. My life is not paradise yet but it is not hell anymore either. I will not give up my new lifestyle because it lets me grow as needed.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday I decided to continue my yard beautification process. I watered the mounding red crepe myrtle running along side my driveway next to the yard. While watering the flower beds I surveyed the front yard trying to decide what was in great need of some tender loving care. I mentally took note as to what was in the greatest disarray when my eyes spotted the back side of the waterfalls-- a profusion of weeds that were trying to overtake the daylilys. Saturday I had already cleaned the grass and weeds from the rototill-ed beds on both sides of the pool and fountain. I planted mint and some wild onions in one bed and I decided to get some plants from the nursery for the other side. So I worked my way to the back of the fountain and removed the weeds. Now that the garden around the pool and fountain area looks pristine it is time to empty the pool and fountain. Three weeks ago I let a couple of young neighborhood boys mow my front yard and by the time the mowing was over the pool and fountain was covered with freshly mowed grass. The water has turned green and "yucky". So now is the time to empty, clean, and refill the the pool. I have some pretty seashells that my sister brought back from her Florida trip and some from her Caribbean trip. When I finish I plan to get some fish for the pool. Well I better get to work if I want to finish today. We'll be talking.
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