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Day #3

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Well I went to the lake with my Fiance and his family yesterday and completely burnt myself. It hurts so bad to move or do anything so i skipped my walk today and depending on how I feel tomorrow I might not go then either. I feel like I'm failing myself and my brothers because I stopped walking. I know I can continue once I feel better, but I should be able to go on whether I'm in pain or not. My Fiance has been trying to make me feel better by telling me I'm beautiful, Sexy, and perfect. He told me that I don't have to lose weight because to him I'm perfect, but he knows why I'm doing it so he's trying to not stop me. Although he does HATE when I use the word DIET or the word FAT, so I try not to use them. Instead I just tell him I'm eating healthier so I can lose weight not because I'm FAT but because I want to be healthy for when we try and have a kid and to play with my little brothers. I'm so blessed to have him in my life, to have someone who is willing to support my every decision and to stand behind me with encouraging words. It's still kind of sad though that I'm getting more encouragement from people who aren't my family (my fiance, his family, my friends) But the only thing I get from my own family (except my brothers and some cousins) is being called FAT, a FAILURE, a BEACHED WHALE. I know its not true, but it doesn't help it hurt any less

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PINKNFITCARLA 7/16/2013 10:28PM

    I'm sorry you got so burned...ouch! No need to feel bad about not walking or working out when you hurt and don't feel well. You can start again when you're better.

Good you have some people to support you in your efforts. I don't call mine a diet either...just a healthy lifestyle.

Good luck and emoticon (when you're all better!)

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Day #2

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Well last night I went for a run with my soon-to-be brother in-law, he's 15, and boy can that kid run. I kind of lost my motivation when he passed me and it took me 10 minutes to catch up at our ending point. I forgot my inhaler and my lungs felt like they were going to explode. I decided for my safety and health that it would be better to just walk the rest of the way back home. I over did it, I hadn't ran in a long time and jumped right in when in reality I should have just paced myself. It was my stupidity for running, but I couldn't get my mom's words out of my head. She told me a week ago "Don't have kids please" i looked at her confused and asked her why which only made her laugh "are you serious? Do you really think I want FAT grandkids. they learn from example of their parents and look at you, your HUGE" It was like adding salt to an open wound. She knows that I want kids but it's going to be harder for me since I'm bigger and just found out I have PCOS. I know it won't be impossible to have kids it will just take longer and harder, but so worth it in the end. The point being, no matter how motivated I get myself my mom just has to knock me down like always. She's been like this since i first started to gain weight, I kind of just put it to the back of my brain but it always wiggles itself back to the front because she is my mom and what kind of mom seriously puts their daughter down like that? What kind of parent actually wants their kid to fail? Every time I want to quit and just give up, my brothers flash in my brain and the words my little brother said to me in the hospital "I'm sorry I almost killed you sissy" how could I have gotten that big, so big that I couldn't play with my brother. Now I just keep looking at my old pictures and the recent ones and can't believe how much has changed and how much is still changing

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OHINICETOSEEU 7/16/2013 12:49PM

    Hey there. I've got 5 - 10 years on you and I've (thankfully) been out of my Mom's house for years. I get the impression that our upbringings were very similar. Like you, my mom was my worst enemy and brought me down every chance that she had. Still, I find myself horrified at your mom's blatantly false and cruel comments.

You don't deserve it. I'd say her intention is to actually get under your skin - to bother you. Maybe it is to *help* you, but I suspect that's not the primary intention. The next time she says something like that, calmly say to her, "I'm sorry you feel like that." Of course, it depends on your mom. I know with mine, I couldn't say anything to her at all other than "Uhhuh, yes ma'am, you're SO right."

Hopefully you'll be out of her house before too long. While I love my mother, I am SO glad I don't live with her and frankly, I don't think she ever should have had kids. She was too immature and self-absorbed. I hope that's not the case with your mom, but...

Don't let the negativity and poisonous attitudes of other folks shape how you think about yourself. You're so much better than that. If you ever want to talk, I'm around.

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TIGER_LILY_613 7/14/2013 2:36PM

    I'm shocked at your mom. That's a horrible, cruel, mean thing to say. Not to mention, completely false.

In my experience, sometimes, people don't know the effect their words have on others. Maybe because they've been used to saying such things all their lives, and that others just chose to avoid them or brush those things off, so they never learned. Sometimes they assume the recipients of such words are stronger than they really are, and can handle it.

On the (very) slim chance she might not realize how mean that was (I believe she should know better, but that's just my personal opinion), you can give her the benefit of the doubt and actually vocalize how it made you feel ("Mom, you may not realize this, but I feel really hurt by what you said. I am making big effort to get healthy, and your support would mean a lot to me").

Try to remain calm and positive. And tell yourself that no matter what, you CAN do this, and your goals and your efforts are the key determining factor in how your future turns out.

Comment edited on: 7/14/2013 5:44:07 PM

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The beginning.... Again

Sunday, July 14, 2013

This was me at my biggest. I was 310lbs and only getting bigger, but this was also taken on the day that i had decided to change that. My little brother had just graduated from kindergarten and we were at his graduation party when he walked up to me and looked kind of nervous. I asked him why and he said he wanted me to play tag with him, I wanted to say no not today but it was his day and I just couldn't say no to him. He started to run away and i took maybe 20 or 30 steps before i was winded and had to sit back down. He ran over to me to see if i was ok but i couldn't catch my breath. I had my very first full blown panic attack and was hospitalized 20 minutes later. My little brother came into my hospital room crying and said "I'm sorry I almost killed you sissy" My mom told him it was his fault that I almost died. Since then I made it my duty to lose weight to be able to play with him and make myself feel good

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COFFEEMUG2009 7/14/2013 7:40AM


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TIGER_LILY_613 7/14/2013 7:04AM

    That was a terrible thing for your Mom to say to your little brother ! Please be sure to tell him it wasn't his fault...

Sorry to hear you had a panic attack. I once got exercise-induced athsma trying to get back in shape with a cardio-kickboxing class. I should have gone slower, but I wanted to keep up with everyone else, and suddenly I couldn't breathe ! I really believed that I was going to die! Things are better now, because I work out slowly at my own speed, and I stop if I start to feel short of breath. Now I can go for a much longer, which is a relief.

Good luck on your journey. I'm sure you can do this, and it is sweet that you are doing this so that you can play with your brother too. It says a lot about you.

I'll be cheering you on emoticon

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STEVEN2GO2 7/14/2013 1:20AM

    I feel terrible for you that your Mom would say such a horrible thing to your brother! My Mom use to say mean things when I was at my heaviest. I learned later that this may have been her way of trying to motivate me, through tough love. To be honest, it never succeeded. I had to make up my own stubborn mind before I made the MY life style changes for ME!

Good luck on your journey, I hope you enjoy each day as you reach for your goals!

emoticon no matter what!

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