Sunday, April 15, 2012
Today I am feeling so grateful that I have arms, legs, hands, feet, a mind and body that works pretty well! I know I am more fortunate than many people in the world and I have to remember, on days when my arms hurt so bad it's not easy to even lift hand weights, or when my knees swell and make it difficult to walk or my head aches, my hands are stiff and my neck too, to be thankful! My body has issues from years of not being cared for as well as it could have and health battles, but I do my best to deal with it all on a daily basis. I've never given up, almost, but I'm pretty stubborn and I'm not the giving up type.
I feel like I've got so much more to do with my life, I just need to change my thinking and my attitude about how I see and feel things. I'm a positive person, thinking, speaking and acting positive, but even I have my moments when I feel discouraged and have to work a little harder to pull myself up and out of the murk. This is where a few good friends, (from far away) and here at SparkPeople, the people and support is so important, needed and appreciated! Because I work at home, I love staying home, surrounded in my comfort zone and all the things I love.
I had a feeling with the new year, things were going to change. I felt I was going to be put to the test with some of my fears and have to just put some of them behind me and move forward. I also knew it may not be easy, but I was speaking and believing it would be. *smile* My husband, who's a disabled Vietnam Veteran, is involved with several organizations and is also an officer in two that do a lot of good things for Veterans. I am also involved, but in just the last few months, I've been called to do even more in a much bigger way and inside my heart, I want to do more and be totally involved, but that little voice inside my head is saying, "Oh gosh, that means I have to dress up more, get out more and be out in the public more!" As an Author, you would think this is something I would be used to, but... I'm not, not yet. I have many things in the works and losing weight and increasing how I feel about my self image, on the outside and my energy level, are two things I feel have held me back at times. I do not like flamboyant affairs or having my picture taken. I haven't felt good in my body for a while now and early this year, I felt strongly, all of this HAD to change because so much of my dreams coming true depend on it!
I know many of you understand this, even though I help others learn to find their inner power and let go of the past and heal, I too have been doing this for a long time and I finally feel good inside, now the outside has to follow! I'm learning more here at SparkPeople than I even imagined and being here keeps me going, even if I'm in physical pain, I just keep doing something positive to move my body and build stronger muscles, eat better and be better every day! I get discouraged too, because it seems slow and I have pain, but I know in the long run, it's all going to be wonderful and something I've dreamed of now for a long time. I cannot give up, even if some days are a bit slower than others. I know every day is a new opportunity to change my life for the better and move forward!
Thank you to everyone that's already been so supportive and helpful, I truly appreciate YOU!!
Blessings and smiles,
Friday, March 09, 2012
I grew up in a family where I was the, "oddball." I can still remember hearing my Mother say how different I was from the others, my siblings. My Mom was a seamstress and she would sew a lot of our clothes and with one boy and four girls, most of our dresses were sewn by her and they were beautiful. I recall her saying how she had to, "allow" on the patterns or make everything bigger to fit me. I never saw myself the way she and my Dad did and no one ever told me I was fat, but them! Well, my Mother didn't come right out and say that, but my Dad did. They are good people, with their own struggles, that did the best they could raising all of us and I love them dearly.
When I grew older and began puberty, it seemed a lot of, "other" people began to notice my, "figure" and I didn't have a clue what to expect. I was shapely, even though I always weighed more than most of the girls and a lot of the guys my age. I was told I had big bones, I had a lot of muscles and that I carried the weight well, that others could not see that I weighed as much as I did... but I knew and it was always in the back of my mind. I hated being weighed. I also hated shopping for clothes and seeing the look in peoples eyes when they saw the sizes I needed. although to me, again, they were not extreme.
I became pregnant young, married young and then had another baby. My weight was up and down, but I was again, never considered, "obese" just a little overweight. It wasn't until a divorce, married again and had a third child, that the weight really began to show up more. But still, I was solid, not flabby and I was able then, to power walk and with my then, new husband, enjoyed eating different foods I had never had as a country girl. *smile* I began to gain weight, started having some health issues, but the doctors didn't offer any help or good positive advice. I was basically happy and with a man that loved me no matter how big or small I was.
It was then, I became depressed. My husband was in the Navy and out at sea quite often so I would work on losing some weight while he was away to look better when he came home. The depression became worse and I ended up in the hospital. That's when the medications began, my self esteem bottomed out and I had a difficult time controlling it this time around. My moods were up and down and of course, the doctors felt pills and therapy where the answer. They gave everything a big name, even though now I am on "no medications" and doing well in that area.
I chose to have a medical procedure called an, "Abdominalplasty," or tummy tuck. The doctor removed about sixteen pounds of skin and fat that was hanging in my lap and causing problems with my back. The surgery ruined me and caused other problems. Even today, with gaining weight from Thyroid problems, a fractured back, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, a blood clotting disorder and other medical problems, when I look at myself in the mirror and see the huge scars, that start between my breasts all the way down through my belly button to my pubic area and around to my back, just leaving a few inches between where it would meet, I cringe and cry. I also had a previous scar in the same area on my stomach from having Gallstones when I was thirteen years old. They cut me from here to yonder to take out my gallbladder, but also to do exploratory surgery, because back then, in the 70's, no one could believe a thirteen year old could have a gallbladder full of rocks! Already, I had difficulty digesting my foods and dieting would always take my Irritable bowel into full swing! The surgery and scars have weakened my abdomen and I have adhesions. When I exercise, it pulls on the scars sometimes and causes pain, but I still try!
Several years ago I also had something called "Adhesive Capsulitis or Frozen Shoulder." During that time, I went through physical therapy to "unfreeze" my arm and help with my range of motion. I lost thirty pounds of muscle and for the first time in my life, I was weak physically, not strong and I felt very old. I could barely move and it took its toll, just like the back fracture I had even more recently.
I am sharing all of this because I feel it's an important part of my life and a part of me that I learned a lot from and grew stronger by surviving them. Oh, there's more, believe it or not, but I will share some of that another time. For now, I just keep trying to, "move my body" any way I can and rest when I need to. I have pulmonary issues including asthma and scars on my lungs from a "Pulmonary Embolism" that almost took my life fourteen years ago, so just one more thing that's trying to slow me down. I was told I need to use oxygen and a CPAP machine, but I don't all the time.
I do feel losing weight will help me so much to breathe better, move better, feel better and be the best me! I will not let anything keep me down and I am not ready to go anywhere just yet, so here I am! I am ready to be the best me, inside and out and help others in the process if I may.
Bless you and I pray you will have a wonderful journey here and we can do what we can to help each other. Let's keep smiling!
Get An Email Alert Each Time MYSTIBLU Posts