MYSCHYF   3,111
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Insomnia and rantings of the returned.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Its 4:30 in the morning, and I'm having a sever bout of insomnia. Last time this happened, I walked up to my gym, but frankly it was scary and I don't want to do that again. Anyway, since I can't sleep I'm writing my first blog in 2 years. It's been a very difficult 2 years. After many bouts of depression, sickness and finally surgery, I'm back to spark people. In the past 2 years i've lost and gained a roller coaster of 20lbs. Up and down, up and down, and I'm sick of it. So I removed myself from the main cause of my depression, the birth control I've been on for years. It just didn't agree with my brain chemistry, so here's hoping I don't hear the pitter patter of little feet, cause I may just go back into a sever depression.
Anyway, so, why am I back to spark people? Firstly, I never truly left, I did start doing weight watchers, but after 2 plan changes I quit losing weight. Not so much the plans fault, but my inability to adhere to all the new changes, and frankly all the calculating was driving me nuts. I want to look at the nutrition label and know, not have to pull out my calculator and crunch numbers. Second, I couldn't afford the meetings, and the support system on the online only subscription was little to be desired. Lastly, real life support is a major driver, and my best friend, as well as many of my other friends are here, by my recommendation. So here I am, what am I doing? Well, I'm trying to get my eating under control. I find that as my mood is down a lot, my compulsive eating is up, which is a vicious cycle because then I make myself feel bad for making bad choices, lowering my mood, etc, etc. So what's the point of all this? Frankly I need help. I CAN NOT keep going this way, my health is suffering, and frankly I feel miserable a lot. So I'm here, where my support system is, where I can be excited about sharing healthy recipes, and get a virtual hug when my day doesn't go the way I needed or wanted it to. So thank you for being there for me sparkpeople.
On a positive note, a gym opened up right by my house. It's a 12 Minute walk to get there and since I joined I'm getting stronger, and I'm shrinking slowly, but the scale isn't moving as fast as I want it to, so I'm tracking my food again as well. 4 days of solid tracking. I've gone over my calories all but one day, but it's reinforcing what I already knew, Pizza is my diet kryptonite. I did great day one, until my family decided pizza was the best dinner option... Yeah, I ate the equivalent of an entire pizza in 2 days. Blaargh. When the pizza was gone, my suddenly my nutrition tracker is perfect. I had a rough patch today, but that's because I hung out with a non dieter, who cooked. After dinner I tracked and was like OMG WTF. But live and learn. Not going to let that get me down. So I'm setting a goal for myself, I'm going to avoid pizza, and I'm going to stay within my goal range for the next seven days. I'm making this public so I am accountable to myself and everyone else.
Well, now that I've vented, I'm gonna try sleep again. Night everyone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 5/21/2012 2:54PM

    HI and welcome back! Glad you have decided to do something. I've found that if I can just make that first step in the direction I truly want to go (especially when depressed) helps. After that first step, the second, third and fourth just seem to follow more easily.

Congratulations on finding a convenient gym. I wish I had one that close to my home. Glad you have started exercising regularly again. I've also found that if I exercise I feel better. So keep up the great work.

As for the food. You are making great strides forward. You are tracking and being honest about what you are eating. Even if it's not always the healthiest choice. You are being accountable and owning your choices.

I'm also and ex-WW. I left for basically the same reasons. I didn't find SP until after I left WW. I found it too time consuming and I didn't really get all the changes they kept making to the program.

Good luck with your new plan!

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CKMATHERLY 5/21/2012 9:50AM

    Pizza binging has occured for me for like 3 weekends in a row. It's mostly emotional for me. Depression sucks.

I understand the difficulites that it can bring on. I have found that regular exercise can do wonders for it. Good luck and keep us posted. :)

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CANES4EVER63 5/20/2012 7:28AM

    Good luck!! I'm sure you'll succeed! I think it's wonderful that you can walk to the gym in just 12 minutes! That's awesome! If you power walk it, or even run it, it's an additional 24 minute workout! emoticon

As far as the pizza, here are some HEALTHY alternatives!
Eggplant pizza: peel eggplant, cut into slices, sprinkle with salt and pepper (I find oil is not needed) and either roast or grill until they are ready. Add marinara sauce (I make my own-- sautee an onion and some garlic with spices, add a can of reduced sodium tomatoes, and blend. You can also add some non-fat ricotta cheese if you want.). Top with part skim reduced mozzarella and put in the oven until they smell good. I add chopped spinach underneath the cheese and sometimes I'll put goat cheese on top (I love the tangyness!).

Healthy crusts:

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Wierdest day ever...

Friday, March 12, 2010

Well today we get no bento, mostly because a cowker and I decided to go out for lunch. Scary... It could have been but we decided early on in the day where we wanted to go. But I'm jumping ahead if myself.

I'm quite proud of myself as it's Friday, still 2 days left in the week and I've already achieved my 3 miles this week. I know some of you are going to say only 3 miles? Well frankly I'm grossly out of shape. So I'm quite proud of my 3.3 miles.

Now for the wierdness. I woke up this morning starved. I was so hungry that I contemplated taking a bite of my oatmeal BEFORE I put it in the microwave. Knowing the growling in my gut I made a full half cup oats with a cup of strawberries. The hungry beast subsided for maybe an hour and a half and I was back to ravanous. So I began munching on a pear I packed. And guzzeled 2 full bottles of water before my lunchbreak. But still by the time lunch came the hunger was clawing at me.
Finally lunch arrives and we head to applebees. I'm ravanous again but I stick to my guns and order the steak on the 550 menu. I eat it slow, and it was delicious. I should have snapped a pic. But even after the 20 min wait after I finish I'm still hungry. So I grab the instant breakfast shake I packed and drink it, sipping it. I'm still hungry. Like shakey dizzy hungry. I know that regular excersise increases your metabolism, but seriously. This is insane. Idk what to do if I keep eating I'm surely going over my calories, but if I don't I'm gonna stay hungry. Not munchy I'm bored so I eat hungry, like shakey dizzy hungry. Sigh.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYSCHYF 3/12/2010 3:10PM

    It's fine as far as I can see. I need 5 grams to meet my minimum wich is about norm for this time of day. In fact everything is normal as far as I can see. Shrug. I've been drinking the water and I think I'm gonna make some popcorn here soon.

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KARLYNCANDOIT 3/12/2010 3:00PM

    How is your protien? It sounds like you might be lacking in that area. Great job on the 3 miles doll!! Have a great weekend!!

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Backlogged bento's

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Well even though I wasnt posting I did create a few bentos and I'll share them with you.
First up is hotdog "fishies" with roasted veggies:

This is 1 hotdog cut in half then each half cut lengthwise, the tails are made by cutting a V in the cut end of the hotdog and then scoring the skin to create scales. I'll add a link to the webpage I found this trick on as soon as I find it again.

I cut up half a purple onion and left some mini sweet peppers whole and roasted them with a little non stick cooking spray.

The rice is a mixture of half white and half Forbidden black rice (whick I picked up at the asian market). Adding half and half I still get the stickyness of the short grain rice but I get the benefit of the fiber bulk that the black rice which is a highly pigmented purple "brown" rice, as it still contains it's hull. I topped it wil a little Furikake to make it pretty and give it is bump in flavor.

Calories: 482

Next bento!

Crab mini sushi and edamame:

I had finally received my big and small sushi presses and wanted to make some. So...

This bento was quite simple, sushi rolls, grapes, Shelled edamame that I skewered a few. Rice, zuchinni and grape tomatoes with rice vinegar and an orange not pictured.

Calories: 492

Cajun Bento!

This is so simple it makes me laugh. This is a weight watcher 15 min meal that I picked up years ago and I love it!

calories: 240

And yesterdays bento:
Chinese chicken and broccoli

Broccoli 2 cups
Chicken Breast, 5 ounces
Chicken Broth, 1 cup
Garlic, 2 tsp
1oz rice wine
an inch of ginger whole (you take this out so it doesnt need chopped or ground)
Granulated Sugar, 2 tsp

Cut the chicken into thin bite sized pieces sautee lightly in about a tsp of olive oil. In the meantime mix the chicken broth, garlic wine ginger and sugar in a bowl and set it aside. Add broccoli when chicken gets a nice golden color and add sauce. Simmer until it reduces enough to just coat the chicken and broccoli. Serve with rice.

calories: 549 ( this was a dinner bento, so it was a little bigger than usual, with more meat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 4/20/2010 6:47PM

    I am looking to get a bento box for one of my rewards. I've already earned it I just have to find one I like and order it as no one seems to have bento boxes in stock here. *Sigh* Anyway I love the creative bento's you are creating. They give me some ideas for my own bentos.

Thanks for sharing!

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RONIE11 3/12/2010 6:40PM

    Those look wonderful, very creative.

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KARLYNCANDOIT 3/12/2010 3:01PM

    yum yum!! I love the fish hot dogs!!! Way to go!!

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    The fish hotdogs are adorable. =)

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DOPKIGIRL 3/11/2010 9:07AM

    Love your Bentos! You are SO creative and certainly offer a great variety!

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Update and re-emergence

Monday, March 08, 2010

Well I thought I would drop a line and let everyone know where I am and why I'm quiet as of late. If you saw my previous post you would have read the blog of a depressed, frustrated girl on the edge of failure, for no other reason than a small injury (ok, nothing broken but over a month later and my back is just revently getting back to normal. I CAN ALMOST BEND DOWN AND PICK THINGS UP AGAIN!) threw my excersize routine out the window and my seratonin levels dropped significantly. To top it off, I was stuck in my tiny bedroom that I was unable to keeps straight because it's hard to pick up when you can't pick anything up...

But all that has changed... I've been working hard, doing my meager stretches daily and now I'm up and doing my power walks again. Only ten minutes at a pop, but it's better than nothing. I'm feeling better and I'm not reaching for the comfort foods as much. I'm feeling better so I'm making smarter decisions.

Yes, I was on the edge of that cliff known as failure... And It seemed bad. The weight I lost before I hurt my back (Sigh I just started the spark diet and bam I'm broken...Sigh) is almost all back but I'm not beating myself up.

During my recovery, when I spent many many hours in bed I started reading The Spark and I cried, I cry now thinking about it. I cried because I know that I can do this, that we all can do this and the tears are the anger and doubt leaving. I cried reading all those beautiful comments everyone made, and the mail I got. I cried everytime I looked at my page and realized I'm not alone, and even though we've never met, there are people out there who love and support me, and know I can do this even when I don't. Yes I'm emo. I cry for everything. But I wanted to let everyone know that I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm done taking the lazy way out.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOPKIGIRL 3/9/2010 8:28AM

    Keep your head up. Small steps add up to big results.

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    :) Beautiful!! We are all in this same boat together! You are not alone or different. I was just thinking of you! Have a great week!!

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I don't know how to stop this downward spirial

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm reaching out now, I'm sitting in my room, after a marathon food binge. I've injured my back, and hough it's slot getting better my head is not. I'm bored, depressed and living not for anything other than the day to day of surviving. I want to be healthy and beautiful but everytime sucres starts to shine through the curtains of my life I unconciously sabotage myself. One little bite here, oh I won't count this meal... Then bam, I'm raiding my fridge and cupboard for every last bit of starchy sugary fattening bit of food Incan shovel in my face before my stomach feels like it's going to pop. And even after that I feel ill and miserable which makes me want to eat some more because food makes the pain stop, if just for a moment. The sad thing is I know it's happening and I can't make it stop. It's like that voice in my head that jumps for joy when I do good and is strong when I'm in a good mental state gets locked in a tiny box. Incan still hear her voice, but she's so far away I don't have to listen to her. Or care that she even exists until she finally catches up and mourns my defeat. She shows her disapointment in me by telling me if I can't listen to her, then why should she care to help and the black hole opens up. I try and fill the void of her with food, and new objects that I can't afford turn my back on her for deserting me. When she does come back finally I'm broken again, and it takes so long to pick the pieces back up that by the time I'm whole again it starts again so quickly that I don't know how I got back there in the first place. I wish I could stop this, I don't know how. I don't know how get myself going to get back to the place where I enjoy doing well.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JMARIE28 2/25/2010 5:11PM

    I am sure many of us can say, "Oh, I've been there."

Binging days (weeks for some), emotional eating, hormonal eating, stress eating...I've done it all. But now I realize there is another day after I sleep. A new day to make better choices. I don't bog myself down with guilt any more, just move on. It is a challenge but thanks to people like our mutual friend Karlyn I have support and encouragement and am reminded I can do it. So can you! Let's move on together! emoticon

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KARLYNCANDOIT 2/25/2010 4:35PM

    It does take time to unlearn the behaviors we were taught. You are teaching yourself how to eat healthy and that is great!! You are in the right place. These are my friends and I hope they will be yours as well. We all need help sometime!!

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MYSCHYF 2/25/2010 4:23PM

    Ty all for your support. I sat here crying reading all your comments. I'm glad I have all of you to be there for me.
And to answer u Bren, no it's usually a day or two of being really blue, then I perk up, but once there I can't seem to jump back on the wagon for a bit, and by the time I do, I've hit another down period. I know I need to do this, not because I wanna look hot (well I do, but that's secondary) i've always been in bad health, and always been heavy. Some of it is genetic, but a lot of it is the way I was raised. Where meals of mac & cheese and hot dogs with no veggies and loaded with bacon were a normal everyday thing. And where you can't leave the table until you clear your plate turned into second and third helpings. Where you shoveled your food quick because last to leave cleared the table. So now when I see a regular portion size I think gee I could eat 4 of those, and go eh I don't wanna eat the green beans. And I have to set a timer to remind myself that my meal which I could eat in 2 minutes needs to take 20 where I limit myself to one slice of pizza when I used to eat the whole thing myself.

I don't even know where this was supposed to head other than me letting out some anger. I know that now it's me that's controlling what I do, but I really wish those seeds of failure hadn't been planted so deeply that when I try to get out the roots hold me back.

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BREN4376 2/25/2010 2:40PM

    Hi sweetie! Karlyn sent me. I am so glad she did. You are doing a wonderful job here. Sometimes the winter month's are more depressing. But if the depression doesn't give, you may need to go see your doctor. You do need to be careful with depression. After all if you had an injury that required stitches you wouldn't just sit around and hope it got better on its own, right. But I really don't know you, so I do not know how long you have been feeling like this. General rule of thumb is if it last longer than 2 weeks seek medical attention. I've been there and waited too long to seek help and it's really scary then. I really hope you feel better soon. Karlyn was right you do make very awesome bento boxes! You go girl! You can do this! You can accomplish anything in life you set your mind to. emoticon

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THE_SILVER_OWL 2/25/2010 12:24PM

    Boy-o-boy can I relate to your feelings this morning. I too have recently been letting my "hurt" voice overshadow my "healthy" voice when it comes to making good eating choices.

I'm not sure that I can offer much help other than this:

1. Learn to identify which voice is which.

2. When that "hurt" voice is feeling strong, have a heart to heart talk with it. Ask what it REALLY needs to heal. The answers might surprise you. It often has NOTHING to do with food.

3. Honor your "little girl" and work on healing through counseling, blogging, and/or talking with others that understand.

4. Do NOT give up on your self. Celebrate all the GOOD things that you do each day and concentrate on your "wins". Even if the only thing you did that was healthy that day was brush your teeth, start a journal and give yourself credit for that "win". ONLY wins get to go in the journal. Nothing else. Build on the wins, day by day.

You are not alone on this journey. We are holding out our hands to you and will help you past this temporary bump in the road!


Comment edited on: 2/25/2010 12:26:43 PM

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OTERYS 2/25/2010 12:19PM

    I've been there, and I know how terrible that feels. I have migraines and back pain too, and the depression is just so easy to fall into at times. However, I've found that sometimes a short walk will help to alleviate some of the trauma and turmoil of my body and mind (just so long as I don't over do it.)

I hope you began to feel better soon, because everyone deserves to be healthy and happy emoticon

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FINDINGMYWAY09 2/25/2010 11:07AM

    I hear you my problem isn't food its not exercising I'll do awesome for like a month or so and then bam I'll stop! Do you know why I do this? Keep a journal to see where/why you stop and start binging and then tackle that problem. Mine is motivation so what I do now is I keep signing up for road races to help me stay motivated to run plus I'm on a team called Corinthium which is an RPG based weight loss system so for our challenges they might be do x hours of exercise or eat x amount of fruits and veggies to keep us all going and for me and some other it really works!

I think you just need to find your passion and work towards it. Join a spark team with other who feel your pain and ask them how they got though it (I haven't fully scoped out your Spark page so I don't know what teams you are on) but just so you know we are all here for you!

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RONIE11 2/25/2010 11:04AM

    Oh my gosh girl been there it feels so imposible, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just tell yourself that when your binging. Allow yourself to eat what you want and don't let it get you down... much easier said that done I know. and then get right back on your program. If you splurged on foods your addicted too (stupid question I know) then realize that its going to take a few days to stop jonesing for that type of food. Mine is sugar. Valentines weekend about did me in. It took a few days but I recovered and I have gone back to loosing weight again. Please hang in there and don't give up on yourself your worth everything you want for yourself.

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HHILDE99 2/25/2010 10:51AM


I can relate to how you are feeling. I'm stuck in a downward spiral myself. Just keep believing that you will get out of this and things will go good again. You may not know when this will happen, but have faith that it will and in the meantime try to focus on the good things. Eventually you'll be able to get back into the swing of things and that voice that jumps for joy WILL be back before you know it. It's these times that make us stronger and lead us to learn a lot about ourselves.

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CELEST 2/25/2010 10:46AM

    It is DIFFICULT, but not IMPOSSIBLE. It starts with just one choice....which leads to a second and soon a third and eventually you have made great choices all day. But don't try and fix the whole day, just ONE CHOICE.
Its a snowball effect. Try walking for 5minutes when you find yourself in front of the food pantry/fridge etc because binge eating is in the heat of the moment. Walking, even just around your house (on the outside) will change the moment.
You CAN do this. You CAN, you REALLY CAN.

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CAROLYN1213 2/25/2010 10:30AM

    Hey sweetie, I can so hear and identify with your pain. I am a recovering food binger and self sabotager. Those voices and feelings that are driving you are lies. Those lies are leading you to a form of self abuse that is worse than the initial abuses that lead you to this point. I don't know your story, I don't know what those particular lies are, but you do. The lies that make you feel unhappy, unworthy, shameful, guilty, resentful, lifeless and unloveable. They are lies. You are beautiful. Live in beauty. Choose beauty. You are loveable. Love yourself with passion. Love the strength and power of who you were created to be. Love that you are alive to make a different choice today. You are lovely just as you are, the shadow of these lies is hiding the truth of what you were created for. Passion. Energy. Love. Beauty. Light. Joy. It's a long road there, it's a hard road past all the lies, but it is so worth the journey when you break through the other side and experience the joyous radiance that you were meant to live in. Refuse the lies. Live with passion.

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DOPKIGIRL 2/25/2010 10:29AM

    Keep your head up. We all (whether others want to admit it or not) have these days and tendencies. We just need to mark it up as a mistake and move on. It's hard to get going again, I know, as I have just started to get moving again myself. It's wonderful Sparkfriends and family that give us that kick in the butt we need and emotional support to understand where we are coming from. Don't give up, but find the things that you DID do well for the day and focus on that. They may seem small and not worthy, but they are!!! Small steps gets us a long way!!

Blessings to you. I hope you have a good day. Enjoy it!!

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    First I want you to commend yourself for being open about how you are feeling. By getting it out, that is part of solving the problem. Also, by blogging on it, you are opening up to a fabulous support system of Sparkers who really care and want to see you succeed as much as you do. This is a great community. So you made a few poor's OK. It's not the end. This is not an all or nothing battle. When we fall, we get back up, dust ourselves off and keep marching forward to our goals. We find the things that work and keep building on them and when things don't work, we try to learn what we can change. You can do this, we can all do this. We are meant to succeed and live better healthier and happier lives. Hang in there and know you have a big family who cares here on SparkPeople!
I have been stuck and I mean stuck stalled at the same fluctuating weight for over a year. And yet I'm still here and I'm still working at it. If I can do this, I know you can. I have been the Queen of Give Up but no more...I am not the Queen of Keep On Trying. Eventually I will make it. Eventually we will all make it. As long as we never give up. Never ever give up and just keep trying. Believe in yourself. It is helpful for me to write this to you because I need to hear these same words myself. See, you are not alone.

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KARLYNCANDOIT 2/25/2010 10:08AM

    Oh honey I am so sorry. Keep your head up! You are so creative. I am sure you have a lot of hobbies. How is the weather where you live? That might have somthing to do with it. You are beautiful and you are worth having a healthy happy life. You are here and that is wonderful. Before when I gave up I did not come here for help!! You are on the right track. The one thing that I have found to really help me is eating whole foods that my body needs. And slowly the bad cravings turn into wanting healthy foods in my fat little body. I hope you do not mind but I am going to send some of my friends your way to give you some encouragement. Lots of love!! You have to stay becasue you are my hero with your cute little bentos.

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