Sunday, May 20, 2012
Its 4:30 in the morning, and I'm having a sever bout of insomnia. Last time this happened, I walked up to my gym, but frankly it was scary and I don't want to do that again. Anyway, since I can't sleep I'm writing my first blog in 2 years. It's been a very difficult 2 years. After many bouts of depression, sickness and finally surgery, I'm back to spark people. In the past 2 years i've lost and gained a roller coaster of 20lbs. Up and down, up and down, and I'm sick of it. So I removed myself from the main cause of my depression, the birth control I've been on for years. It just didn't agree with my brain chemistry, so here's hoping I don't hear the pitter patter of little feet, cause I may just go back into a sever depression.
Anyway, so, why am I back to spark people? Firstly, I never truly left, I did start doing weight watchers, but after 2 plan changes I quit losing weight. Not so much the plans fault, but my inability to adhere to all the new changes, and frankly all the calculating was driving me nuts. I want to look at the nutrition label and know, not have to pull out my calculator and crunch numbers. Second, I couldn't afford the meetings, and the support system on the online only subscription was little to be desired. Lastly, real life support is a major driver, and my best friend, as well as many of my other friends are here, by my recommendation. So here I am, what am I doing? Well, I'm trying to get my eating under control. I find that as my mood is down a lot, my compulsive eating is up, which is a vicious cycle because then I make myself feel bad for making bad choices, lowering my mood, etc, etc. So what's the point of all this? Frankly I need help. I CAN NOT keep going this way, my health is suffering, and frankly I feel miserable a lot. So I'm here, where my support system is, where I can be excited about sharing healthy recipes, and get a virtual hug when my day doesn't go the way I needed or wanted it to. So thank you for being there for me sparkpeople.
On a positive note, a gym opened up right by my house. It's a 12 Minute walk to get there and since I joined I'm getting stronger, and I'm shrinking slowly, but the scale isn't moving as fast as I want it to, so I'm tracking my food again as well. 4 days of solid tracking. I've gone over my calories all but one day, but it's reinforcing what I already knew, Pizza is my diet kryptonite. I did great day one, until my family decided pizza was the best dinner option... Yeah, I ate the equivalent of an entire pizza in 2 days. Blaargh. When the pizza was gone, my suddenly my nutrition tracker is perfect. I had a rough patch today, but that's because I hung out with a non dieter, who cooked. After dinner I tracked and was like OMG WTF. But live and learn. Not going to let that get me down. So I'm setting a goal for myself, I'm going to avoid pizza, and I'm going to stay within my goal range for the next seven days. I'm making this public so I am accountable to myself and everyone else.
Well, now that I've vented, I'm gonna try sleep again. Night everyone.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Well even though I wasnt posting I did create a few bentos and I'll share them with you.
First up is hotdog "fishies" with roasted veggies:
This is 1 hotdog cut in half then each half cut lengthwise, the tails are made by cutting a V in the cut end of the hotdog and then scoring the skin to create scales. I'll add a link to the webpage I found this trick on as soon as I find it again.
I cut up half a purple onion and left some mini sweet peppers whole and roasted them with a little non stick cooking spray.
The rice is a mixture of half white and half Forbidden black rice (whick I picked up at the asian market). Adding half and half I still get the stickyness of the short grain rice but I get the benefit of the fiber bulk that the black rice which is a highly pigmented purple "brown" rice, as it still contains it's hull. I topped it wil a little Furikake to make it pretty and give it is bump in flavor.
Crab mini sushi and edamame:
I had finally received my big and small sushi presses and wanted to make some. So...
This bento was quite simple, sushi rolls, grapes, Shelled edamame that I skewered a few. Rice, zuchinni and grape tomatoes with rice vinegar and an orange not pictured.
This is so simple it makes me laugh. This is a weight watcher 15 min meal that I picked up years ago and I love it!
And yesterdays bento:
Chinese chicken and broccoli
Broccoli 2 cups
Chicken Breast, 5 ounces
Chicken Broth, 1 cup
Garlic, 2 tsp
1oz rice wine
an inch of ginger whole (you take this out so it doesnt need chopped or ground)
Granulated Sugar, 2 tsp
Cut the chicken into thin bite sized pieces sautee lightly in about a tsp of olive oil. In the meantime mix the chicken broth, garlic wine ginger and sugar in a bowl and set it aside. Add broccoli when chicken gets a nice golden color and add sauce. Simmer until it reduces enough to just coat the chicken and broccoli. Serve with rice.
calories: 549 ( this was a dinner bento, so it was a little bigger than usual, with more meat.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Well I thought I would drop a line and let everyone know where I am and why I'm quiet as of late. If you saw my previous post you would have read the blog of a depressed, frustrated girl on the edge of failure, for no other reason than a small injury (ok, nothing broken but over a month later and my back is just revently getting back to normal. I CAN ALMOST BEND DOWN AND PICK THINGS UP AGAIN!) threw my excersize routine out the window and my seratonin levels dropped significantly. To top it off, I was stuck in my tiny bedroom that I was unable to keeps straight because it's hard to pick up when you can't pick anything up...
But all that has changed... I've been working hard, doing my meager stretches daily and now I'm up and doing my power walks again. Only ten minutes at a pop, but it's better than nothing. I'm feeling better and I'm not reaching for the comfort foods as much. I'm feeling better so I'm making smarter decisions.
Yes, I was on the edge of that cliff known as failure... And It seemed bad. The weight I lost before I hurt my back (Sigh I just started the spark diet and bam I'm broken...Sigh) is almost all back but I'm not beating myself up.
During my recovery, when I spent many many hours in bed I started reading The Spark and I cried, I cry now thinking about it. I cried because I know that I can do this, that we all can do this and the tears are the anger and doubt leaving. I cried reading all those beautiful comments everyone made, and the mail I got. I cried everytime I looked at my page and realized I'm not alone, and even though we've never met, there are people out there who love and support me, and know I can do this even when I don't. Yes I'm emo. I cry for everything. But I wanted to let everyone know that I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm done taking the lazy way out.
HERE IS MY VOW:
I VOW TO LOVE MYSELF, TO FORGIVE MYSELF MY SHORTCOMMINGS. I VOW TO TAKE THAT FIRST STEP, THEN THE NEXT AND IF I TRIP, I'LL GET BACK UP AND KEEP WALKING BECAUSE I'M STRONG AND I'M WORTH WORKING HARD OVER. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, AND HEALTHY AND LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I'm reaching out now, I'm sitting in my room, after a marathon food binge. I've injured my back, and hough it's slot getting better my head is not. I'm bored, depressed and living not for anything other than the day to day of surviving. I want to be healthy and beautiful but everytime sucres starts to shine through the curtains of my life I unconciously sabotage myself. One little bite here, oh I won't count this meal... Then bam, I'm raiding my fridge and cupboard for every last bit of starchy sugary fattening bit of food Incan shovel in my face before my stomach feels like it's going to pop. And even after that I feel ill and miserable which makes me want to eat some more because food makes the pain stop, if just for a moment. The sad thing is I know it's happening and I can't make it stop. It's like that voice in my head that jumps for joy when I do good and is strong when I'm in a good mental state gets locked in a tiny box. Incan still hear her voice, but she's so far away I don't have to listen to her. Or care that she even exists until she finally catches up and mourns my defeat. She shows her disapointment in me by telling me if I can't listen to her, then why should she care to help and the black hole opens up. I try and fill the void of her with food, and new objects that I can't afford turn my back on her for deserting me. When she does come back finally I'm broken again, and it takes so long to pick the pieces back up that by the time I'm whole again it starts again so quickly that I don't know how I got back there in the first place. I wish I could stop this, I don't know how. I don't know how get myself going to get back to the place where I enjoy doing well.
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