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Readjusting my goals for the new year

Sunday, December 30, 2012

I changed my goal weight - I know, I know, I've done this a few times now and I should just make up my mind. First, my goal weight was 130 lbs, but then I changed it to 120 lbs. BUT I now changed it to back to 59 kgs/130 lbs. Here's why:

1) I want to get down to 130 lbs first and see how I look and feel at that weight. I have a feeling that losing 25 more pounds would be enough and I probably won't want to lose any more weight then.
2) The last time I weighed 120 lbs was back when I was 16 years old and way skinnier. As I've said before, I've grown to love my curves and my feminine shape and don't want to lose that. It has never been my desire to be skinny.
3) It feels a lot more realistic and doable for me to have a goal weight of 59 kg/130 lbs. I feel a lot more comfortable now that I changed it! I feel like I'm well on my way to my goal weight already now that I have lost 35 pounds and I'm past the halfway point of my weight loss journey. So, psychologically it makes a huge difference to change it back to 130 lbs.

And, when I get there, if I still want to lose more weight I can always keep on going. But for now, I think 130 lbs is a very reasonable goal for me :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JADOMB 12/31/2012 12:02PM

    I agree and I too like your curves. ;-) Bottom line though is to be healthy and fit. You are doing great, keep the faith.

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JOHAL52 12/30/2012 5:42PM

    I think that's wise. Although I was excited when I was 127 pounds 4 years ago, it was really hard to maintain. I gained 5 pounds over a year. At 132 "I' felt like I should weigh less but now that I look a the photos, I looked just fine. I have gained 10 more pounds in a year and a half but my goal is to get back to 132.

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35 pounds lost!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

I lost another pound this week which means I have now lost a total of 35 pounds! I started my journey last February and so much has changed since then. I know I have a long, long way to go but I'm proud of the progress I have made and excited about the changes I see in myself every day! And I don't just mean my size, but changes in my energy level, my mood and my self-confidence. I firmly believe I can reach any goal I set for myself and become the person I was meant to be in all aspects of my life. It's a life-long process, of course, and I'm not in a hurry. There will be good days and bad days, but the important thing is that I will not stop moving forward no matter what happens. I know that now.

Thank you for sticking with me every step of the way! I couldn't have done this without you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNSEY723 1/2/2013 1:04PM

    Awesome!! emoticon emoticon

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MEDREB68 12/31/2012 9:33AM

    Wonderful! Congratulations! emoticon

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MOVES327 12/30/2012 2:46AM

    Congratulations on the milestone.

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MM165592 12/30/2012 12:12AM


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IGSBETH 12/29/2012 10:21PM

    Way to go!

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JACKIE542 12/29/2012 6:46PM

    I love your quote at the end, you are proving this every day, you are doing great! Congratulations! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JADOMB 12/29/2012 6:29PM

    YOU ARE AWESOME. and YES, if you believe you can do it, you can do it, and you did. Keep the faith

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IUHRYTR 12/29/2012 5:33PM

    emoticon for your emoticon progress. emoticon emoticon emoticon -- Lou

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DMANN104 12/29/2012 5:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
That's so great! I know what you mean about it becoming not just a weight thing... you gain so much by this journey of losing the weight.

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Still feeling vulnerable

Friday, December 28, 2012

First of all, I want to thank you for the supportive and kind comments on my previous entry. I really appreciate the support! It's so relieving to know I'm not alone in this.

I have still been feeling very vulnerable today. The urge to binge is still there. I gave into my cravings a little bit but I didn't binge, and I tracked every bite. I consumed about 2,000 calories today which obviously is too much but it could have been a lot worse. I'm trying my hardest to get over this. I have planned all meals for the next few days and I also went grocery shopping today. I bought lots of fruit, veggies and whole foods. I'm determined to eat healthy tomorrow and keep on making healthy choices.

I'm praying tomorrow will be easier. Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Oh and PS. I weighed myself this morning and I maintained my weight during the Holidays! I'm really happy about that :) I think this is the first Christmas in years when I didn't overeat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IGSBETH 12/29/2012 10:23PM

    You can do it!

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JADOMB 12/29/2012 6:32PM

    We all fall down at times, but the metal of a person is gaged by how well we pick ourselves up. And you are pure platinum. ;-)

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KRISZTA11 12/29/2012 6:54AM

    You handled the situation very well.
I appreciate that, as I have binges sometimes and I know how hard it is to stay in control.


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IUHRYTR 12/28/2012 7:44PM

    Good news about the weight. Now on to a new beginning and more progress. -- Lou

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Living binge free (thoughts about Binge Eating Disorder)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but years ago I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder. Before that, in my teens, I used to be bulimic. In the process of trying to recover from the binge-purge cycle, I managed to stop throwing up after a binge but I couldn't get my binging under control no matter how hard I tried. I gained A LOT of weight because of that.

Needless to say, my relationship with food has always been problematic. I love food. I'm obsessed with food. Even as a child my thoughts were often centered around eating and most of my childhood memories have something to do with food. I was a thin child and remained normal weight until I was about 16 years old. That's when my binges started and could last for days. I messed up my metabolism, my body and my mind in the process. For years, I was depressed and I hated myself every single day. I couldn't bear to look in the mirror when all I could see was myself getting fatter even though I was desperately wanting to be thin. Those were dark times. I cried myself to sleep and didn't leave my room for days. I remember the dreadful feeling when I realized all my clothes were getting too small for me to wear. My parents were worried sick and I felt like I was letting everyone down. I was feeling hopeless and so out of control. Back then, and even way before that, I was never normal about food. And now, after years of struggling to find balance and peace, I still find myself haunted by the same old ghosts.

Today I got the urge to binge. This is difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it first hand, but I'll try. All I could think about was eating an entire box of chocolate at one sitting. The urge was so strong that it almost felt like a physical pain of sorts, kind of like hunger but a lot stronger. I have been allowing myself a few pieces of chocolate every day so I know it's not because I've been depriving myself or anything like that. I also know that if I had not allowed myself to have those small daily chocolate treats, it could have been a lot worse. But when I got that feeling, all I wanted to do was eat, eat, eat and eat. I wanted to keep on eating until I could not eat one more bite. It's crazy how it can happen just like that. When it gets to the point where all I want to do is binge, nothing really seems to help. Having a small portion of the food you're craving doesn't really help because you want to eat LOTS AND LOTS of it. I did however eat a small portion of chocolate and I tracked it as well. The only thing to do is to wait it out. You have to distract yourself, bribe yourself, write it all down, do something - anything - instead of the one thing you want to do: eat.

I really don't know what brought this on. I have been doing really well. I've been eating regularly, I haven't deprived myself, I've been getting enough calories, and nothing upsetting has happened. Maybe it's just because it's been about a month since my last 'binge' and now I'm being tested. All I know is that I was able to fight back and I'm grateful I now have the tools that make it a lot easier for me (SparkPeople, you guys, the nutrition tracker...).

It's such a scary, powerful thing. Sometimes it happens because you're stressed, bored, anxious or something else is going on in your life that is triggering the need to binge. But sometimes there is no obvious trigger, it just happens. Like today. I'm glad I was able to fight back today and I pray I will have the strength to avoid it in the future as well. I ended up consuming about 1,500 calories today which I am so, so, so very proud of.

I joined the SparkTeam called Living Binge Free today. I really hope I'll find the support and courage I need to be able to live my life binge free in 2013.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNSEY723 1/2/2013 12:57PM

    I'm glad you got through the urge to binge without doing so! I understand the feeling and it is great that you were able to push past it! You are doing so great!

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JADOMB 12/28/2012 5:22PM

    You are right, some of us are fortunate that we don't have that weakness or illness. But so many of us also have had other weaknesses or illnesses that we have had to battle. I'm not even sure if anyone has escaped these human weaknesses throughout their lives. Many of the ones that say they don't, probably are just in denial about something they do have issues with.

The thing is, that no matter what one has to overcome, it never fully leaves them. So their battle is never over with, it is only controlled. You have done very well in fighting your demons and I have faith in you that you will continue winning. I am very proud of your honesty and your accomplishments. May God continue to help you in your times of needs.

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MOVES327 12/28/2012 2:22PM

    Your willingness to share so much about your journey on this blog is very inspiring. Thank you for this. emoticon

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IUHRYTR 12/27/2012 11:11PM

    Annie, I wish I could give you a big hug for being strong today. That is how positive responses become habits, by one daily victory at a time. I'm so happy for you and I know you are proud of yourself. We are. -- Lou

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ALLIE5041 12/27/2012 10:55PM

    Congratulations on resisting the urge to binge! I know how hard that can be. I wish you all the best in 2013 :)

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RAGGEDRECOVERY 12/27/2012 7:21PM

  I've been a binge eater for most of my life, with periods of sanity alternating with out of control eating. The only thing that has worked for me is to join Overeaters Anonymous. This is an addiction and the 12 step model has not only relieved me of the desire to binge or overeat 95% of the time, it has given me a new spiritual life.

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OOLALA53 12/27/2012 7:19PM

    I've come to believe I don't have to have a thing wrong to get the urge to binge. Just the memory of something that sent me bingeing before can stimulate the urge. The great thing is realizing it's just a mirage and it does me no harm to divert myself from the urge. I don't worry anymore that I'm missing some clue that will make it all easy.

By the way, many thin people also love food, think about it at non-meal times and remember the pleasure of it. Yes, they are different in that they don't commonly gorge and make themselves feel rotten from overeating, but they also tend not to feel bad about liking food. They realize that food can play a big, pleasurable role in our lives without it being a crime.

I salute you in this continued journey in putting food in its proper place in life. Try not to feel guilty because it's taking longer than you want. It's a multiple year journey for most. Everything else is the exception. emoticon

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NOMORENOMORE 12/27/2012 5:01PM

    Excellent description of what it "feels like" to want to binge. I've been binge free since 11/1/12. It's hard but we can do it!
emoticon emoticon

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MIDROAD 12/27/2012 4:52PM

    That's awesome! I am so sorry your struggles are so hard and wish I could say or do something helpful but all I can offer is my support.

God bless you,


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Going back home tomorrow

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I've spent the past week at my parents' house and I celebrated Christmas here with my family. Tomorrow my boyfriend and I are heading back home. I've had a wonderful week here and I'm so happy I have been tracking my meals and working out every day even during the Holidays. I remember last Christmas when I was feeling really uncomfortable in my own skin and went on a binge that lasted for days. My weigh in day is on Friday and I'm not at all worried. I know I haven't gained any weight during my stay here and it feels so amazing to not have to be scared of what the number on the scale will be.

Enjoy your day, friends! :)


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 12/26/2012 10:58PM

    I remember last year. You've come a long way with your weight loss and your positive attitude. emoticon -- Lou

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JADOMB 12/26/2012 6:42PM

    It's nice to be in control, there is much satisfaction to it. You have purged the weak minded you out and now you are healthy, fit and THEE master of future.

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SUN_N_SEA 12/26/2012 6:25PM

    emoticon emoticon That is such a great achievement, congratulations! Keep up the good work! Happy holidays!

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NESARIAN 12/26/2012 5:14PM


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JACKIE542 12/26/2012 4:51PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAMISHELI53 12/26/2012 4:45PM

    Good for you on tracking the whole time!

I was lax on the tracking on Christmas Eve and Day, because I knew I was going to go over, and was planning on enjoying the special foods. Blue-cheese-stuffed, bacon-wrapped dates are definitely a once-a-year treat! But like you, I continued my exercise, and the damage is minimal. I expect to bring things back down!

You have learned much, Grasshopper! (throwback to old TV show called Kung Foo)
Blessings - Shel

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