Thursday, July 26, 2012
Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of issues that have been stressing me out and creating a lot of anxiety for me. I have had to make some difficult decisions and to ask myself some very tough questions with answers I would rather not always deal with. I know it all sounds very vague right now but I promise I'll blog about all of that very soon. Right now I just don't have the energy. (This is actually a positive thing that's going on in my life although it certainly doesn't sound that way! I'm just trying to adjust to a new situation and it's always difficult for me, even if this is something I actually want.)
Whenever things are changing in my life, I get scared and anxious. Even if it's a good change, a change that I want and choose for myself, it usually still freaks me out in some way. It's difficult to explain, but people who suffer from anxiety probably understand what I'm talking about. Change is powerful. Change is scary and unpredictable. Whenever I go through a change in my life I need something familiar to fall back on - and for me, it's always been food.
It's a difficult habit to break and I know I'm being tested. I should know better by now! I shouldn't let my emotions take over and make such bad decisions. But I did. I'm not proud of it but I did let it happen. It was a conscious decision and I own it. I chose to take the easy way out, so to speak, instead of dealing with the actual issue. I know it's no excuse, but I'm home alone this week because my boyfriend is out of town and I'm also sick with the flu so I haven't been able to go to work for a couple of days. I feel like my head is about to explode! I'm home all alone all day with my thoughts and fears. My boyfriend (with whom I've been with for almost nine years now) knows me better than anyone and I can always talk to him about anything and everything. He has been my familiar thing to fall back on instead of food and now he's not here and I was just feeling so anxious and nervous about everything that I made a very poor decision.
I went to the grocery store and bought some chocolate. Well, a lot of it. I ate it all while watching TV. I recognize this pattern all too well, I've done it hundreds of times before and I know it doesn't help me at all. I feel so disappointed in myself for this but at the same time I know it's not the end of the world. I need to learn from this and come up with healthier and more effective ways to relieve my anxiety (such as going for a run, talking to a friend, or writing about it in my journal). I wasn't even able to work out today because I got the stupid flu! I'm sure a nice long jog would have helped me with the stress. Well, this is a learning opportunity for me and I want to take something positive out of this!
The thing is though, I rarely blog about my downfalls. I share my small victories and the positive steps I take towards my goals, but I feel very ashamed to say "I messed up today". It's as if I'm letting everyone down! But I should blog about these things as well because they might give me some more insight about why certain things keep happening and maybe even help others along the way.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my life right now. I'm trying to get past this anxiety now and find ways to be stress-free. I did some yoga today which was good! I plan to do some tomorrow as well (and meditate, too). Let's just hope tomorrow is a better day and I can move past this issue that is bothering me.