Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I know I disappeared for a while but now I'm back. The reason for my absence was the fact that I felt like I was becoming a bit too obsessed with my diet and SparkPeople in general. As I have a history with bulimia and anorexic behaviour, I thought I was at risk to fall back to the old habits even though SparkPeople is all about healthy eating and lifestyle. It's hard to explain really, but I thought I needed some time off so I wouldn't get so obsessed again this time. As you might have read on my previous blog entries, I was slowly cutting back on calories and meals and before I knew it I was eating way too little. I know SparkPeople does not encourage this kind of behaviour and I don't blame this on the site. I'm the problem. The disorder has such strong roots in my mind that sometimes even the healthy dieting triggers me to go back to my old bad habits. So, I took this time to think about things and do a lot of soul searching. I've come to a conclusion that SparkPeople is a very helpful tool when it comes to healthy eating and even eating disorder recovery. During the time I didn't use the site, I felt lost and my eating disorder started to take root again. Luckily, I didn't let that happen. My therapist and I both agree that SparkPeople is a good environment for me to lose weight the healthy way and gain a new kind of respect towards my own body. This is a safe place with reliable experts to answer all kinds of questions I might have. Therefore, I'm coming back. I'll try my best not to get obsessed this time. I moved back to Stage 2 so I can do that all over again properly. I'm still at 163 lbs so I didn't gain (or lose) any weight while I was gone. But from now on, my weight will start going down again. It's so good to be back!
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
This is so hard. I'm still obsessed with my weight and eating less and less each day. It's so difficult for an ex-bulimic/anoretic to lose weight the normal and healthy way and not freak out. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I spoke to my therapist about this and she told me to eat more and not weigh myself as often as I do now. I know she's right. I know what I SHOULD do, I know what a healthy lifestyle is, I know how I want to live. I know I want to be healthy and strong, not sick and weak. I know all this. Then why is it so unbelievably hard?
What I'm going to do now is this: I'm going to breathe deep, count to ten and relax. I'm going to think of all the reasons why I want to live a healthy and positive life and write those things down on a piece of paper that I'll put somewhere where I can see it at all times. I'm going to take things easy and one day at a time. No hurry. No panic. I'm doing this for myself and I want to do this right this time.
Other than that, I'm fine. Things are going well over here. I hope you're all well too!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Today has been such a great day. I had classes from 10 am to 2 pm and I really enjoyed learning about the things we talked about today. Anyway, after the classes were over I came back home and started to clean & redecorate the flat a little. I'm telling you, it looks a lot nicer now! We bought some pretty plants that really give the room a whole new look. I'm finally beginning to feel like home here.
Food-wise things have been great today also. I realize I'm still eating too little but I'm working on it. I know that eating too little can actually hurt my weight loss efforts and definitely is bad for my health. So far I've had two carrots in the morning with some plain non-fat yogurt, I skipped lunch (I know, I know...) and then had a slice of dark rye bread and a slice of french baguette with lettuce, cheese and red pepper for snack. I've been drinking lots and lots of water today as usual. I walked to school and back but other than that, I haven't worked out. I must admit that I dislike exercising. A lot. I always have to force myself to work out. Cardio isn't a problem, really. It's strength training that I find the most difficult to do. It's so boring. I don't know why I feel that way. I always try to work out like a good girl should but I just HATE it. I wish someone could change my mind about that. I really do.
Ahh anyway, I'm still having dinner later. It's 6.11 pm now and I'll start preparing myself a nice, healthy tuna salad in a moment. And, hopefully, I'll even work out today!
Monday, September 29, 2008
So, it's Monday again. How was everyone's day? Mine was okay. School was nice and the classes just flew by. I got back home at about 3.30 pm, had a healthy snack and read for a while before going out to do some shopping with Tommi. I've been wondering... I think I might actually eat too little now that I cut back my calorie and fat intake. I'm not very hungry, though. However, the nutrition tracker proves I rarely ever consume more than 800 calories a day. I know that's too little. I trust the resident experts here, I know that they know what they're doing. I KNOW I need to consume at least 1200 calories each day in order to have a HEALTHY lifestyle and diet. But the thing is, I guess I'm still struggling with my eating disorder. I used to fast quite often and strave myself (which always lead to binging!!!) and I think it's just very hard for me to lose weight on a normal and healthy way. What makes it even harder is that I don't really have anyone to talk to. Sure, I can talk to Tommi and I often do but the problem is that he has never had problems with weight or food so, as sweet, understanding and supportive as he is, he doesn't really know what I'm going through. I wish I wasn't so alone with this. It would be so amazing to have a personal food and exercise trainer here to take care of me and make sure I stay on the right path.
It's difficult but I'll manage. I'm serious. I'll find a way and I'm not going to screw up this time. My health and my well-being is much more important to me now than it used to be. I'm not going to throw my new positive attitude and healthy habits away and start hurting myself again. No. It means I have to work hard but, as I've said a million times, I'm ready to work.
It's just hard, you know. But I'm fine :)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
WOW! I'VE LOST 11 POUNDS ALREADY!! How amazing is that?? I'm so exctatic! It feels so great to finally achieve something and notice the changes that are happening as the pounds drop off. I look thinner. I FEEL thinner. I was able to buy a shirt TWO SIZES SMALLER THAN I USUALLY BUY! MY mother said I look much thinner and so did my grandmother. I can't even begin to tell you how encouraging and amazingly motivating it felt to hear that. I'm PROUD OF MYSELF. I'm finally doing this for me. Finally. I have already lost 11 pounds and I'm planning to keep right on going. Two pounds per week. Next Sunday I'm hoping to weigh no more than 163 pounds. I can't wait!
There's just one problem. Weekends. Weekends are so incredibly tough. At first my plan was to allow myself one day per week when I can have some chocolate or pizza or something I have craved all week. The thing is, though, that it doesn't bring me any satisfaction anymore but I STILL EAT THAT STUFF. And it just makes me feel miserable :( It's almost like I'm afraid to let it go. It doesn't make sense! Maybe a part of me is afraid of changes. Many people are. I decided today that next weekend I'm not going to 'take a break' from my new healthy lifestyle. I'm going to stick to it and find new, healthy, tasty and more satisfying treats to enjoy. This is a huge deal for me and I know that once I make some small substitutions and stop eating foods that are bad for me (even if it's just once a week) I'll feel so much better! And the weight will probably drop off even faster! We'll see!
Hope you're all well.
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