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Day 23 - Eating too little?

Monday, September 29, 2008

So, it's Monday again. How was everyone's day? Mine was okay. School was nice and the classes just flew by. I got back home at about 3.30 pm, had a healthy snack and read for a while before going out to do some shopping with Tommi. I've been wondering... I think I might actually eat too little now that I cut back my calorie and fat intake. I'm not very hungry, though. However, the nutrition tracker proves I rarely ever consume more than 800 calories a day. I know that's too little. I trust the resident experts here, I know that they know what they're doing. I KNOW I need to consume at least 1200 calories each day in order to have a HEALTHY lifestyle and diet. But the thing is, I guess I'm still struggling with my eating disorder. I used to fast quite often and strave myself (which always lead to binging!!!) and I think it's just very hard for me to lose weight on a normal and healthy way. What makes it even harder is that I don't really have anyone to talk to. Sure, I can talk to Tommi and I often do but the problem is that he has never had problems with weight or food so, as sweet, understanding and supportive as he is, he doesn't really know what I'm going through. I wish I wasn't so alone with this. It would be so amazing to have a personal food and exercise trainer here to take care of me and make sure I stay on the right path.


It's difficult but I'll manage. I'm serious. I'll find a way and I'm not going to screw up this time. My health and my well-being is much more important to me now than it used to be. I'm not going to throw my new positive attitude and healthy habits away and start hurting myself again. No. It means I have to work hard but, as I've said a million times, I'm ready to work.

It's just hard, you know. But I'm fine :)


Day 22 - 11 POUNDS GONE!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

WOW! I'VE LOST 11 POUNDS ALREADY!! How amazing is that?? I'm so exctatic! It feels so great to finally achieve something and notice the changes that are happening as the pounds drop off. I look thinner. I FEEL thinner. I was able to buy a shirt TWO SIZES SMALLER THAN I USUALLY BUY! MY mother said I look much thinner and so did my grandmother. I can't even begin to tell you how encouraging and amazingly motivating it felt to hear that. I'm PROUD OF MYSELF. I'm finally doing this for me. Finally. I have already lost 11 pounds and I'm planning to keep right on going. Two pounds per week. Next Sunday I'm hoping to weigh no more than 163 pounds. I can't wait!

There's just one problem. Weekends. Weekends are so incredibly tough. At first my plan was to allow myself one day per week when I can have some chocolate or pizza or something I have craved all week. The thing is, though, that it doesn't bring me any satisfaction anymore but I STILL EAT THAT STUFF. And it just makes me feel miserable :( It's almost like I'm afraid to let it go. It doesn't make sense! Maybe a part of me is afraid of changes. Many people are. I decided today that next weekend I'm not going to 'take a break' from my new healthy lifestyle. I'm going to stick to it and find new, healthy, tasty and more satisfying treats to enjoy. This is a huge deal for me and I know that once I make some small substitutions and stop eating foods that are bad for me (even if it's just once a week) I'll feel so much better! And the weight will probably drop off even faster! We'll see!

Hope you're all well.


Day 19 - Feeling thinner!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I'm losing weight. I can feel it. It makes me so happy and it really motivates me to keep on going. I was just reading SparkPeople Motivation articles and there truly were lots of amazing success stories there to read about. I'm so excited about the small changes I'm seeing in myself. My mood, my physical appearance, my health in general... It's all getting so much better now. I almost can't believe it! Tomorrow it's Friday and I admit that I'm a bit scared of the weekend and all the temptations that usually come with it. I'm trying to be sensible, though. I know that I can't deny myself certain foods for a long time so I've usually been allowing myself some chocolate or a bit of popcorn while watching a movie on weekends. In my case, it works. It stops me from binging and overindulging during the week and makes me feel, well, rewarded. But I DON'T WANT TO BINGE. No. I'll have some dark chocolate or pineapple sherbet or maybe some popcorn or a slice of pizza. It's all about balance. I'll work out a bit longer or do some other small changes to balance things the next day. The main thing is that I don't want to feel too deprived. It always causes problems.

Everything's going amazingly well over here. How are you guys doing? I hope everyone's doing great! I'm off to bed now. Ciao!


Day 18 - Momentum

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm still extremely sad and shocked about yesterday's tragic events but I'll try and put that aside for a while and focuse on the positive.

Things have been going amazingly well this week (food-wise). I decided on Sunday that this week would be different and that I'd really focus on making the right, healthy choices. And I HAVE! My fat intake was still way too high and I was eating lots of unhealthy foods. And, as I looked at the pattern of certain foods on NutritionTracker, I noticed that I was still an emotional eater. I realize you don't just 'get cured' after years and years of emotional eating. It takes time and effort and I'm ready to work for it. I'm glad I noticed the biggest problems. I now know what made me gain so much weight in the first place. I was eating irregular meals, I ate too much at a time, I consumed way too much foods high in fat and calories, I was (and am) an emotional eater, I skipped meals, I binged, I even purged at times when I was bulimic, I ate lots of foods that were extremely unhealthy and high in calories but yet weren't filling at all so I was hungry even after consuming a huge amount of calories. My biggest problems were ice cream, chocolate, fast food, pizza, chips, candies, soft drinks and PORTION CONTROL (or lack there of). I was also very passive and never walked anywhere unless I really had to. And, as you may have guessed by now, I was very unhappy.

But now I really feel like things are changing for good. I'm learning to make healthy choices so that this will be a change that'll last a lifetime. No more diets, thank you very much. I'm through. I'm not as impatient anymore either which is good because I'm less stressed about my new lifestyle and therefore I don't feel the need to 'control' my stress with food. I'm much stronger now. I'm much stronger and much, much more mature. I'm ready to work to achieve this goal. I'm ready to change my lifestyle and become the active and fit girl I really am. I know it'll take time and it's ok. I will not stop for as long as I live. I will not run away from my problems any longer. Things are finally really starting to change and it feels amazing. I believe in myself. I know I can do this. I've already surprised myself and made myself proud over these past few weeks. It seems like I'm capable of doing things I never thought I could do. I CAN DO THIS. I can and I will.

I'm so thankful for this amazing chance to make my dreams come true.


Day 17 - School shooting in Finland

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'm so shocked. I can't believe this is happening again. I don't know if you've heard about this or not but there has been a school shooting incident in Kauhajoki, Finland today. Apparently, a 22-year-old student called Matti Juhani Saari killed 9 of his classmates, a male teacher and himself earlier today. Isn't it shocking? His motive was that he hated the human race and this was his way of showing that to everyone. I find that so hard to believe... WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT? Obviously, he must have had some serious mental problems. He was lonely and isolated. But I mean, come on! This was not supposed to happen! Especially not after last year when Pekka-Eric Auvinen, a 18-year-old high school student killed 8 people at his high school. This speaks of a huge problem. Something has to be done QUICKLY to prevent tragedies like these from happening. It's so terrifying to think that you never know what will happen and who will lose it and start mindlessly shooting people he knows very well. It's a scary thought,

I just want to express my deepest condolances to the families and friends of the victims of today's shocking events. And, to the victims, I only have this to say: I hope you rest in peace.


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