Friday, May 21, 2010
It's been such a long time since my last entry.
A week from now I'll be sitting on a plane with my mom and my sister, on my way to the beautiful island of Corfu, Greece. When we booked the trip, I visualized myself being a lot thinner and in control of my eating when we finally go there. This was almost four months ago. Today, as I am sitting here writing this, nothing has changed. I haven't lost any weight, I'm still the same size, I still struggle with over-eating and, right now, I just feel plain miserable. I feel so sad that I wasn't able to lose weight before this vacation that I have been dreaming about for so long. What happened? I don't know. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself and my expectations were too high.
The thing is, I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy the vacation at all now that I haven't lost any weight. AND I REALLY WANT TO. I'm afraid I won't feel comfortable going to the beach and wearing a bikini, and I'm really worried I'll keep comparing myself to my little sister who is a different shape than I am and 20 pounds lighter. There are times when I feel really beautiful and confident and love my curves, but there are also times when I don't even want to go outside or be seen in public because of how disgusting I think I look. I don't want to ruin this vacation for me or for any of us.
Right now I'm wondering if there is anything I could do to make me feel positive and happy and less self-conscious. I was actually thinking of going on a liquid fast for the rest of the week before our vacation to feel better about myself but, honestly, I know that's just not a good, healthy solution.
Any advice, encouragement or positive thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated at this point. I'm so desperate to get over this right now.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
I wanted to give you guys and update on how I'm doing with my personal challenge and the Couch to 5K program! Everything's going really well and I'm now on Week 2 of C25K! Today it's time for my very first Week 2 session which consists of a warm-up walk and then 20 minutes of alternating between 90 seconds of jogging and 2 minutes of walking. Should be fun and challenging! Last week when I went jogging my left leg hurt a little but it's okay now so I'm hoping I'll be able to run today. It's important to stretch, warm up and cool down every single time. I know that now.
Also, today is Day 10 of my Personal Challenge and I'm still going strong! I haven't skipped any workouts and I can already see my arms getting more and more toned (since I've been doing more push-ups etc. over the past few months than ever before!). It feels great and it's not at all too exhausting or tough. Sometimes I feel lazy and try to come up with an excuse to skip a workout, but I know I'll only feel miserable afterwards. And sure, my intake could have been better this Easter - but it also could have been A LOT worse! I'm happy with how I'm doing. This is all about making life long changes, not quick fixes or unattainable plans. Small substitutions, more exercise, more healthy meals, smaller portions - that's what really counts!
OH, and HAPPY (belated) EASTER to all of you! :))
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A few days ago I joined two different Couch to 5K teams here on SparkPeople and began working my way towards my dream of becoming a runner (well, at least someone who can run 5 kilometers non stop without getting totally exhausted!). Today was my very first C25K workout and it went really well! During the first week, you alternate between 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes (+ warm up and cool down walks). Obviously, this is fairly easy and that's the point, but I'm still really happy that I was able to do it and it only left me feeling more energized rather than sore or tired. My next C25K workout will be on Friday and the last Week 1 session will be on Sunday. This is something I promised myself I would do in 2010. I feel confident that I can do this!
Also, I'm on a personal 60-day challenge. In just 57 days I'll be in Greece with my mom and my sister, and I really want to feel good about myself when we go there. I don't even care about how much weight I lose, I just want to feel strong and motivated and like I have been working hard for the past couple of months - then I can really enjoy my time there without a guilty conscience! My challenge is actually fairly simple and basic. No sweets/junk food during the week - I'm limiting my consumption to one day a week, Saturday. (Special occasions are always special occasions, however. Like birthdays etc.) I'm also working out daily (with C25K, nordic walking and swimming as my main cardio exercises) as well as doing strength training for 15-20 minutes 6 times a week (exercising a different muscle group every day so that I won't hurt my muscles by over training them!). So, as I said, pretty basic and very doable - but also VERY CHALLENGING for me since I'm the laziest chocoholic you'll ever meet. Haha!
Today is day three and I feel great. I know things will get tough and there'll be bumps and obstacles along the way but I'll just keep on going forward!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sometimes it's very hard to stay focused on the future and fight off the cravings when they occur.
It all started this weekend. I did really well last week - I ate healthy, worked out and felt amazing and confident. I was making small adjustments and enjoyed every minute of it. It was all going smoothly.
Then the weekend came. I knew it meant challenges, lots of challenges. Weekends are always very problematic for me (as they are for many, I'm sure). On one hand, I feel like I really want to indulge and enjoy some of my favorite treats (after all, it's weekend, time to unwind and relax). THE THING IS, though, that I don't feel relaxed on Sunday evening when the weekend is over. Instead, I feel guilty. I had too many pieces of chocolate, too many slices of pizza or skipped a workout I really didn't want to skip. My energy level has gone down instead of up. I feel cranky, bloated, guilty and like a big fat failure.
And the thing is, even though I didn't eat THAT MUCH last weekend, I find it EXTREMELY difficult to get back on the right track when the weekend is over. It's like once I start, I can't control myself. It's like an addiction. Now I'm getting cravings constantly. I tracked every single craving I got today. Guess how long my list was? I was shocked to realize that I craved unhealthy foods 23 times today (that I recognized well enough to track). And they are so persistent, too. They just don't seem to go away until I give in - and that only makes it worse. I know some people say that when you get a craving for chocolate, have carrot sticks or a few pieces of fruit instead and it'll pass. Doesn't work for me. I literally obsess about the foods that I crave and can't stop thinking about them no matter what I do. I try to keep myself busy, I go for a long walk, I write, I read, I have a granola bar or some yogurt instead. Nothing seems to help.
I'm now starting to wonder if I really have an addiction. I always say I enjoy my favorite treats in moderation and include them in my diet as a part of my permanent, healthy lifestyle. Ideally, that would be the case. In reality, though, things don't go that way. I try and I try, but I just can't seem to stop eating once I start. I feel like there is no point in eating one small chocolate bar - I NEED A WHOLE BAG OF THEM. It's crazy!
So I guess the question now is whether or not to keep eating these foods that send me off balance for days, weeks or even months. Having one slice of pizza leads to ice cream and that leads to chocolate and before I know it, I have eaten a week's worth of calories in a few days. I WANT TO STOP! I know this is why my weight loss is so slow - I do well during the week, but the weekends are my big downfall. It's like adding fuel to the fire. I don't know what to do.
When I didn't eat any candy (not even chocolate) for three weeks in December, I eventually stopped craving it. I felt more balanced than ever before in my life. It wasn't even that hard. The question is: should I stay away from the foods that make me over eat or should I try and include them in my diet? I know that restricting can lead to binging so I'm a little cautious about black-and-white solutions here. Maybe I should try and find some middle ground. No chocolate or pizza more than once a month? I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom from you guys.
I am so sick of eating when I'm not hungry.
I am so sick of being controlled by food.
I AM SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS.
I just want to find a way to live a balanced, healthy, and satisfying life. I AM SURE there is a way to do that. I'm not giving up.
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