Saturday, January 16, 2010
It's been almost a month since my last update! After Christmas, I have to say, things got a little crazy. Just as I feared, once I allowed myself to have a little bit of those treats that I wasn't allowed to have before, I lost control. It scares me to think how easy it is to get lost in that same old mindless cycle of overeating. I really want to focus on adapting a new LIFESTYLE and get rid of the dieting mindset once and for all. I thought that was in the past already, but apparently I still need a lot of practice.
I started school again last Monday, and got back to working out regularly and eating healthy meals. I'm not going overboard this time: balance is the key. I'm cutting back on high-calorie treats and working out more (cardio 60-90 mins every day, strength training 30 minutes on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays). It's that simple! I'm looking forward to the spring and all that it has in store for me. I'm not sure what next fall will bring (I don't know if I'll continue studying here in Turku, probably not - I don't see how I would be able to be happy here. I feel lonely and miss Tommi all the time, and in addition to that, I don't get anything out of my studies. I'm looking for a better option for myself, and I'm hopeful that I'll find it. In my heart, I feel like I don't belong here.).
Anyway, it's a new year - HAPPY NEW YEAR, BY THE WAY! - and with it come new goals. Instead of a few big resolutions, I am setting myself lots of small goals that will make a big difference in 2010.
In 2010, I will...
...reach my goal weight of 59 kgs and adapt a healthy lifestyle that will last as long as I live.
...start a new hobby.
...learn to be an optimist.
...learn to love working out.
...focus on my writing.
...stay in touch with my friends.
...send my poems to publishing agencies.
...finish my novel.
...can run 20 minutes without stopping.
...fit in the European size 36.
...cut back on sodium, fat and sugar, and eat more fruit and veggies.
...do yoga regularly.
...learn a new language.
...find something else to study; something, that will bring me satisfaction and joy, and won't drain me emotionally and cause anxiety.
...keep a diary.
...be more spontaneous.
...be a great and a loving girlfriend.
...learn to love myself unconditionally.
...keep my promises.
...take risks and follow my heart.
...try new things.
...keep my apartment clean.
...get enough rest and sleep.
...get things done on time.
...not spend too much money on clothes.
...believe in myself.
...watch less TV.
...spend less time on the internet.
...try not to stress about things as much.
...take a cruise.
...go to a spa.
...be more grateful.
...be less selfish.
...be myself, at all times.
I know this year will be a wonderful one. I want to follow my heart and find my place in this world. I don't want to waste another year doing something that leaves me empty inside. I have goals now, and I'm determined to reach all of them.
Happy New Year to all of you - I hope it'll bring you joy, health, love and peace.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Can you believe my challenge is already over?! These three weeks have gone by so quickly that I didn't almost even notice. These three weeks have made all the difference in the world to me! I've gotten my weight loss going again - it's about time!!! - and I feel a million times better and a lot more confident than when I started on December 1st.
During these three weeks I have...
1) Learned that I CAN DO THIS: I can get my emotional eating under control and lose weight WITHOUT feeling deprived all the time!
2) Gotten my confidence back.
3) Lost four pounds and gained muscle.
4) Gotten a lot firmer and much more toned!
5) Learned to love exercise - I never thought it could happen!!
6) Realized the importance of taking care of myself and what a difference it makes in my every day life.
7) Worked very hard to build consistency and to learn to be more patient with myself.
8) Understood that as long as I feel good in my own skin, it doesn't matter what other people say or think. I know I'm beautiful, and that's all that counts.
9) Noticed that my clothes fit a lot better and my skin looks smooth and clear because of eating healthy and getting lots of air.
10) Also realized that I could never keep this up for longer than three weeks: I need days off when it comes to working out, and I need my occasional hamburger or a chocolate bar. But I have learned that it's all about balance and moderation.
I now know where to go from here. I'll keep on working hard and focusing on getting fit, but this bootcamp is now over and I don't mind! :D HAHA. I honestly feel more than excited about getting to eat all the lovely Christmas foods - and chocolate - tomorrow! IT'S BEEN SO LONG! Tomorrow, I'm not counting calories. But after Christmas it's time to get serious again. I'll get back to my usual routine of working out three times a week and doing at least 45 mins of cardio a day. I'll follow the SparkDiet and its calorie limits, but still have an occasional treat every now and then. C'est la vie! Then, hopefully, I'll get down to 130 pounds by summer.
If I don't update tomorrow then I'm already wishing you all MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! I hope you all get to enjoy the holidays and relax with your loved ones!!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Wow. This has been a long, emotionally exhausting day.
I woke up and decided to weigh myself after a week of hard work. As you might remember, last weekend when I was here I weighed myself only to find out I hadn't lost a single pound in a long time. This time, however, things went differently: apparently, I have suddenly lost 4 pounds! I'm not complaining though! ;) I'm so happy! My hard work is finally showing on the scale as well. And then as I put on my clothes I noticed they fit a lot looser around the waist, and I thought I looked pretty good as I was getting ready to go to my grandma's to do some Christmas cleaning for her.
That's when things took an ugly turn.
I should probably tell you that my grandma means well but she just often ends up hurting people's feelings. She doesn't mean to, and she doesn't understand it when people get offended. Since I was a child, I remember her making remarks about me and my sister - especially our bodies. We were never chubby children, we were completely normal weight and healthy and cute. Still, I remember her pointing out a number of times that we just were not like our cousin Laura who is tall and skinny. Anyway, today she did it again. We were watching TV and there was this woman, beautiful and slightly overweight, and my grandma kept making remarks about her weight for the entire time she was watching it. And then she suddenly turned to me and said:
"See? You're not the only fat person in the world! Be happy! Look at that woman, she's happy too even though she's fat! You're chubby but it's okay!"
OH. MY. GOD.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions I went through. I felt physically ill. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. My mom and my sister both stopped what they were doing and just stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't help myself and I shouted "THAT WAS SUCH A MEAN THING TO SAY!" but she didn't get it, she just laughed. She thought I was kidding! I went into the bathroom for 20 minutes and cried like a baby. I couldn't stop the tears. Her words hurt me so deeply, not only because they were insensitive, but also because I have so many scarves from such a long period of time that were just beginning to heal before she cut them open again... I have been battling eating disorders and food related problems since I was 11 years old. I was bulimic when I was 12, and that was when it all started. My dad used to force my sister and me to work out and didn't let us eat after 7 pm. It was crazy, and my relationship with food never developed normally.
What hurt me the most was my worst fear (people thinking that I am fat) said out loud by someone who is supposed to love me and be kind to me. And the worst thing is, she honestly did not understand she had hurt me until my mom explained to her what a hurtful thing it was to say and how sensitive I am when it comes to my weight. I was upset for the rest of the day, and cried for hours on end. I felt so hurt, so broken, so ugly. I was feeling so good about myself earlier today and then, all of a sudden, it all got shattered by a rude comment.
I'm trying my best to ignore it but it's almost impossible. I still hear the words inside my head. Fat. I am fat. I don't feel fat, I don't want to be fat, I don't want people to think I am fat let alone CALL ME fat.
I still get upset when I think about it.
All I can do now is keep on following my program. I'm on the right track here, and it's all that matters. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I can't let this get me down.
I did okay on my challenge today despite this fiasco. I didn't meet my calorie limit of 1200 as I pretty much lost my appetite after the incident. I'm going to be careful though not to eat too little as I really don't want to be unhealthy in any way. I did work out and walked for 45 minutes and did some serious cleaning for an hour. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm really hoping I'll get past what happened and move on without any resentment.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Five more days of bootcamp left! Time has gone by so quickly. The weirdest thing is that it's been so easy. I used to get the worst cravings, especially for chocolate, even if I went a few days without eating it! This time it's been completely different. I think it's the mature, solid, no-excuses decision that I made that has changed everything. Chocolate is out of the question, and it's okay - because I know I'm not keeping this up forever, this is just a jump start, a break from eating all that junk I used to eat non stop. When my bootcamp is over I'm going back to my usual routine of working out three times a week (I'll still do cardio every day) and having one day every week when I can still have my favorite treats in moderation.
One thing I'm noticing though is that I'm getting a little lazy. I have to force myself to work out when all I want to do is curl up under warm blankets and listen to Christmas music or watch TV. I should work out in the morning to get it over with. It's worse in the evenings when you get tired and all other things come in the way.
Last night I worked out at 11:30 pm!!! HAHA. I was so tired and I was feeling a little ill, my throat was sore and my nose was runny... I had been debating all evening whether or not I should work out and then decided to skip it for the day since I wasn't feeling 100 % well. BUT then I started to feel really guilty and began questioning my motives: was I really feeling ill or was I just being lazy? I decided to work out before going to bed, AND I DID. Crazy. But I felt really good afterwards (at least mentally - physically, I was feeling a little shaky and that's why I'm taking my day off today. I always have a day off once a week, usually Sunday, but I decided to use mine today as I'm not feeling completely well.).
Now it's time to go to bed. I'm at my parents' now, Tommi and I drove over here earlier today for the weekend. It's so ridiculously cold outside: it's something like 1.5 Fahrenheit (we use Celsius here, and it's -17 degrees Celsius). I can't remember the last time it was this cold! It's really beautiful though, everything's white and crispy. But I feel like I'm about to freeze to death when I go outside... I'm not used to this cold weather! I find it so funny when people think Finland is such a cold, cold place and there's snow all year round and polar bears and whatnot. Trust me, there's no polar bears. And usually, there's not even snow, at least not in the south, and the summers are hot. I read somewhere that the climate here is much like that of Minnesota in the US.
Alright now, everyone. It's time for me to get some rest before another busy day tomorrow. Hope you're all doing well! :)
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