Saturday, December 19, 2009
Wow. This has been a long, emotionally exhausting day.
I woke up and decided to weigh myself after a week of hard work. As you might remember, last weekend when I was here I weighed myself only to find out I hadn't lost a single pound in a long time. This time, however, things went differently: apparently, I have suddenly lost 4 pounds! I'm not complaining though! ;) I'm so happy! My hard work is finally showing on the scale as well. And then as I put on my clothes I noticed they fit a lot looser around the waist, and I thought I looked pretty good as I was getting ready to go to my grandma's to do some Christmas cleaning for her.
That's when things took an ugly turn.
I should probably tell you that my grandma means well but she just often ends up hurting people's feelings. She doesn't mean to, and she doesn't understand it when people get offended. Since I was a child, I remember her making remarks about me and my sister - especially our bodies. We were never chubby children, we were completely normal weight and healthy and cute. Still, I remember her pointing out a number of times that we just were not like our cousin Laura who is tall and skinny. Anyway, today she did it again. We were watching TV and there was this woman, beautiful and slightly overweight, and my grandma kept making remarks about her weight for the entire time she was watching it. And then she suddenly turned to me and said:
"See? You're not the only fat person in the world! Be happy! Look at that woman, she's happy too even though she's fat! You're chubby but it's okay!"
OH. MY. GOD.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions I went through. I felt physically ill. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. My mom and my sister both stopped what they were doing and just stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't help myself and I shouted "THAT WAS SUCH A MEAN THING TO SAY!" but she didn't get it, she just laughed. She thought I was kidding! I went into the bathroom for 20 minutes and cried like a baby. I couldn't stop the tears. Her words hurt me so deeply, not only because they were insensitive, but also because I have so many scarves from such a long period of time that were just beginning to heal before she cut them open again... I have been battling eating disorders and food related problems since I was 11 years old. I was bulimic when I was 12, and that was when it all started. My dad used to force my sister and me to work out and didn't let us eat after 7 pm. It was crazy, and my relationship with food never developed normally.
What hurt me the most was my worst fear (people thinking that I am fat) said out loud by someone who is supposed to love me and be kind to me. And the worst thing is, she honestly did not understand she had hurt me until my mom explained to her what a hurtful thing it was to say and how sensitive I am when it comes to my weight. I was upset for the rest of the day, and cried for hours on end. I felt so hurt, so broken, so ugly. I was feeling so good about myself earlier today and then, all of a sudden, it all got shattered by a rude comment.
I'm trying my best to ignore it but it's almost impossible. I still hear the words inside my head. Fat. I am fat. I don't feel fat, I don't want to be fat, I don't want people to think I am fat let alone CALL ME fat.
I still get upset when I think about it.
All I can do now is keep on following my program. I'm on the right track here, and it's all that matters. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I can't let this get me down.
I did okay on my challenge today despite this fiasco. I didn't meet my calorie limit of 1200 as I pretty much lost my appetite after the incident. I'm going to be careful though not to eat too little as I really don't want to be unhealthy in any way. I did work out and walked for 45 minutes and did some serious cleaning for an hour. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm really hoping I'll get past what happened and move on without any resentment.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Five more days of bootcamp left! Time has gone by so quickly. The weirdest thing is that it's been so easy. I used to get the worst cravings, especially for chocolate, even if I went a few days without eating it! This time it's been completely different. I think it's the mature, solid, no-excuses decision that I made that has changed everything. Chocolate is out of the question, and it's okay - because I know I'm not keeping this up forever, this is just a jump start, a break from eating all that junk I used to eat non stop. When my bootcamp is over I'm going back to my usual routine of working out three times a week (I'll still do cardio every day) and having one day every week when I can still have my favorite treats in moderation.
One thing I'm noticing though is that I'm getting a little lazy. I have to force myself to work out when all I want to do is curl up under warm blankets and listen to Christmas music or watch TV. I should work out in the morning to get it over with. It's worse in the evenings when you get tired and all other things come in the way.
Last night I worked out at 11:30 pm!!! HAHA. I was so tired and I was feeling a little ill, my throat was sore and my nose was runny... I had been debating all evening whether or not I should work out and then decided to skip it for the day since I wasn't feeling 100 % well. BUT then I started to feel really guilty and began questioning my motives: was I really feeling ill or was I just being lazy? I decided to work out before going to bed, AND I DID. Crazy. But I felt really good afterwards (at least mentally - physically, I was feeling a little shaky and that's why I'm taking my day off today. I always have a day off once a week, usually Sunday, but I decided to use mine today as I'm not feeling completely well.).
Now it's time to go to bed. I'm at my parents' now, Tommi and I drove over here earlier today for the weekend. It's so ridiculously cold outside: it's something like 1.5 Fahrenheit (we use Celsius here, and it's -17 degrees Celsius). I can't remember the last time it was this cold! It's really beautiful though, everything's white and crispy. But I feel like I'm about to freeze to death when I go outside... I'm not used to this cold weather! I find it so funny when people think Finland is such a cold, cold place and there's snow all year round and polar bears and whatnot. Trust me, there's no polar bears. And usually, there's not even snow, at least not in the south, and the summers are hot. I read somewhere that the climate here is much like that of Minnesota in the US.
Alright now, everyone. It's time for me to get some rest before another busy day tomorrow. Hope you're all doing well! :)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Today I've been a little more productive than yesterday (it's not like I wasn't being productive yesterday - after all I did do some serious cleaning! Haha.) since I had to write two essays for school and send them by midnight today. They turned out pretty well! I just wish I'd learn to do things early on and not put them off until the last minute. I only seem to function when a deadline is looming above my head. But at least I'm done now and I won't have to think about school for almost a month now!
I worked out in the morning today, and it turned out to be a good solution. That way it's done and I won't have to think about it in the evening when I have a lot to do and may even get a little lazy. I worked out for 30 minutes (full body workout) and walked for additional 45 minutes around the town when Tommi and I went to the movies to see A Christmas Carol. It was so beautiful and touching, and Jim Carrey really was amazing as he always is.
It's been ridiculously cold for the past two days. I'm thinking of buying a thicker winter coat. We'll see though, I'm probably going shopping tomorrow - I still need to buy a few Christmas presents too!
Here's how I did today:
- 1200-1550 calories - GOAL MET :)
- 12+ glasses of water - GOAL MET :)
- 6+ servings of fruit and veggies - GOAL NOT MET :(
- 60+ mins of cardio - GOAL NOT MET :( - walked for 45-50 minutes which is good considering the freezing weather!
- no candy/junk food - GOAL MET :)
- strength training: full body; 30 minutes - GOAL MET! :)
So, what I need to focus on tomorrow is getting enough of those fruit and veggies - and getting enough of cardio! Tomorrow I'll meet ALL my goals, I promise!!
Oh, I forgot to show you these pictures from last weekend when Amanda and I went ice skating!:
There was snow where my parents live!! So beautiful! Actually, there is now snow in Lahti, too! I love it!
I hope you're all well!! HUGS!
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