Sexy By Christmas Bootcamp - Day 19 - Emotionally drained (but happy).

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Wow. This has been a long, emotionally exhausting day.

I woke up and decided to weigh myself after a week of hard work. As you might remember, last weekend when I was here I weighed myself only to find out I hadn't lost a single pound in a long time. This time, however, things went differently: apparently, I have suddenly lost 4 pounds! I'm not complaining though! ;) I'm so happy! My hard work is finally showing on the scale as well. And then as I put on my clothes I noticed they fit a lot looser around the waist, and I thought I looked pretty good as I was getting ready to go to my grandma's to do some Christmas cleaning for her.

That's when things took an ugly turn.

I should probably tell you that my grandma means well but she just often ends up hurting people's feelings. She doesn't mean to, and she doesn't understand it when people get offended. Since I was a child, I remember her making remarks about me and my sister - especially our bodies. We were never chubby children, we were completely normal weight and healthy and cute. Still, I remember her pointing out a number of times that we just were not like our cousin Laura who is tall and skinny. Anyway, today she did it again. We were watching TV and there was this woman, beautiful and slightly overweight, and my grandma kept making remarks about her weight for the entire time she was watching it. And then she suddenly turned to me and said:

"See? You're not the only fat person in the world! Be happy! Look at that woman, she's happy too even though she's fat! You're chubby but it's okay!"

OH. MY. GOD.

I can't even begin to describe the emotions I went through. I felt physically ill. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. My mom and my sister both stopped what they were doing and just stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't help myself and I shouted "THAT WAS SUCH A MEAN THING TO SAY!" but she didn't get it, she just laughed. She thought I was kidding! I went into the bathroom for 20 minutes and cried like a baby. I couldn't stop the tears. Her words hurt me so deeply, not only because they were insensitive, but also because I have so many scarves from such a long period of time that were just beginning to heal before she cut them open again... I have been battling eating disorders and food related problems since I was 11 years old. I was bulimic when I was 12, and that was when it all started. My dad used to force my sister and me to work out and didn't let us eat after 7 pm. It was crazy, and my relationship with food never developed normally.

What hurt me the most was my worst fear (people thinking that I am fat) said out loud by someone who is supposed to love me and be kind to me. And the worst thing is, she honestly did not understand she had hurt me until my mom explained to her what a hurtful thing it was to say and how sensitive I am when it comes to my weight. I was upset for the rest of the day, and cried for hours on end. I felt so hurt, so broken, so ugly. I was feeling so good about myself earlier today and then, all of a sudden, it all got shattered by a rude comment.

I'm trying my best to ignore it but it's almost impossible. I still hear the words inside my head. Fat. I am fat. I don't feel fat, I don't want to be fat, I don't want people to think I am fat let alone CALL ME fat.

I still get upset when I think about it.

All I can do now is keep on following my program. I'm on the right track here, and it's all that matters. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I can't let this get me down.

I did okay on my challenge today despite this fiasco. I didn't meet my calorie limit of 1200 as I pretty much lost my appetite after the incident. I'm going to be careful though not to eat too little as I really don't want to be unhealthy in any way. I did work out and walked for 45 minutes and did some serious cleaning for an hour. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm really hoping I'll get past what happened and move on without any resentment.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANSASC 12/21/2009 9:08AM

What is it about grandmothers that makes them completely oblivious? My grandmother does that sometimes too! Don't sweat it, though. You are doing great! You are showing progress and you have a plan of action - AND you are sticking to it! Report Inappropriate Comment

BNAILS50 12/21/2009 3:41AM

You already are Report Inappropriate Comment

BARBIEGURLYGIRL 12/21/2009 2:32AM

I just want to say sorry this happened to you. .:HUG:. I know the feeling, and to be honest its okay to cry. Its better to cry and let it all go so you can feel better. You need to look yourself in the mirror and say: " I am a sexy thang!" Yes say it with and "a" :) You are a beautiful girl inside and out. You are being healthy by eating right and working out. You have a beautiful face and hot body. Yes you are all that! Work It! Don't let any one bring you down. Don't give people that power over you. You are in control of your emotions and life. Keep on doing it girl. And Great Job on losing 4 pounds YAY!!! Happy Holidays J Report Inappropriate Comment

IUHRYTR 12/19/2009 8:27PM

I, too have seen your pictures and you look terrific! Hot! A fox! I know how hurtful remarks from others can be and how difficult they are to ignore, but you have such a fantastic attitude that I'm confident you'll put this past you and keep going with your inspiring progress. Terrific, hot, a fox. Remember those words. They're true. -- Lou Comment edited on: 12/19/2009 8:32:51 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

ZANNACHAN 12/19/2009 7:14PM

First of all, I agree with Candice--I've seen pictures of you and you are a beautiful woman. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better--you really are lovely. So please don't let others make you feel bad about your body! You are working to keep yourself healthy and fit and that's, as she said, all that matters. I don't know why, but family often can mean well and hurt us more than any other person. About a year and a half ago, I was at a major family reunion and already feeling pretty lousy anyway (because my husband was home sick and it turns out I was coming down with the stomach bug my husband had) when my dad asks in this really loud voice (his natural speaking voice is unfortunately quite loud) if I'd put on weight because my face looked fat. Talk about mortifying. He knew--as did most of my family--that I had been struggling with my bad hip and everything, and I was probably the heaviest that I've ever been despite trying to rehab that hip for 2 years, but I was mortified. I wanted to crawl under the floorboards or something. And then I had a cousin point that I had a lot of grey hair visible--ugh. I'm not even that old! Neither of them meant to be mean, but I felt like I must look like some pathetic old fat woman, and I just wanted to disappear. Family. Gotta love them even when you want to strangle them. And no matter how healthy or beautiful or fit or incredible we may look, there will still probably be someone in the family (at least my family) who is all to likely to innocently point out some flaw--whether it's muffin top showing above the jeans, saying we're overweight because we aren't built like a stick model, that our hair is the wrong color, that we have wrinkles, whatever. And it's hard. I know that when I happens to me it can just ruin my entire day. But you know, it's not because there is anything wrong with us, and we need to learn to not listen to them when they say stupid stuff like that, don't let them ruin our day. But somehow it's a lot easier to do when it's some one like a colleague, a lot harder when it's your family who's supposed to love you no matter what. And who0 hoo! Congratulations on losing 4 lbs! I knew that your hard work would pay off! I've heard before that weight loss can do that--in spurts. I don't know why, but I'm glad that you are finally getting to see concrete progress! That's great! Report Inappropriate Comment

GONABFIT 12/19/2009 6:55PM

I'm sorry this happened to you! I too have a fear of people saying I am fat, and it's like when they say it out loud, it reaffirms my own insecurities... Just know you are beautiful inside and out! And the best thing is you are actively working towards being healthy... Report Inappropriate Comment

CANDICE_W 12/19/2009 5:23PM

Ok, first of all - I have to say, I looked at your photos and you are a-DOR-able! PLEASE don't let other people make you feel down about yourself! You are working hard at being healthy, and that's all that matters. I have an older family member who likes to remind me when I've put on a few pounds myself - so I know how hurtful it can be. Keep your chin up, and try not to let it get to you. Good luck with your challenge! Report Inappropriate Comment

Sexy By Christmas Bootcamp - Day 18

Friday, December 18, 2009

Five more days of bootcamp left! Time has gone by so quickly. The weirdest thing is that it's been so easy. I used to get the worst cravings, especially for chocolate, even if I went a few days without eating it! This time it's been completely different. I think it's the mature, solid, no-excuses decision that I made that has changed everything. Chocolate is out of the question, and it's okay - because I know I'm not keeping this up forever, this is just a jump start, a break from eating all that junk I used to eat non stop. When my bootcamp is over I'm going back to my usual routine of working out three times a week (I'll still do cardio every day) and having one day every week when I can still have my favorite treats in moderation.

One thing I'm noticing though is that I'm getting a little lazy. I have to force myself to work out when all I want to do is curl up under warm blankets and listen to Christmas music or watch TV. I should work out in the morning to get it over with. It's worse in the evenings when you get tired and all other things come in the way.

Last night I worked out at 11:30 pm!!! HAHA. I was so tired and I was feeling a little ill, my throat was sore and my nose was runny... I had been debating all evening whether or not I should work out and then decided to skip it for the day since I wasn't feeling 100 % well. BUT then I started to feel really guilty and began questioning my motives: was I really feeling ill or was I just being lazy? I decided to work out before going to bed, AND I DID. Crazy. But I felt really good afterwards (at least mentally - physically, I was feeling a little shaky and that's why I'm taking my day off today. I always have a day off once a week, usually Sunday, but I decided to use mine today as I'm not feeling completely well.).

Now it's time to go to bed. I'm at my parents' now, Tommi and I drove over here earlier today for the weekend. It's so ridiculously cold outside: it's something like 1.5 Fahrenheit (we use Celsius here, and it's -17 degrees Celsius). I can't remember the last time it was this cold! It's really beautiful though, everything's white and crispy. But I feel like I'm about to freeze to death when I go outside... I'm not used to this cold weather! I find it so funny when people think Finland is such a cold, cold place and there's snow all year round and polar bears and whatnot. Trust me, there's no polar bears. And usually, there's not even snow, at least not in the south, and the summers are hot. I read somewhere that the climate here is much like that of Minnesota in the US.

Alright now, everyone. It's time for me to get some rest before another busy day tomorrow. Hope you're all doing well! :)

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 12/18/2009 7:31PM

I admire your dedication and perseverance. Stay warm and get feeling better. -- Lou Report Inappropriate Comment

ZANNACHAN 12/18/2009 6:40PM

Wow. I can't believe that there's only 5 more days left to your bootcamp. Sure we can't be that close to Christmas already? But you've been doing an amazing job, and I know you'll be able to stay on target for the last 5 days. It's warmed up here--it's 35 F today (about 1.7 C--it sounds warmer in F though) but that means that we have no snow any more. Actually, I'm always amazed at how far north European countries are--I read somewhere that Rome was at the same latitude was as New England. It's because they are kept warmer by the gulf stream, I guess, but latitudes that are really cold here are temperate there. When we went to Scotland, we actually visited the arctic circle, and there were fuchsia trees growing there! That kind of boggles my mind. Heh, I've been fighting an acute attack of the lazies myself, I'm afraid--I just want to stay in bed, or if I get up, curl up on the couch with hot tea, a good book, and a blanket. The only way I've been making myself work out is making myself eat, drink some water, and then exercise before I do anything else, and not let myself sit on the couch all day with above mentioned tea, blanket, and book. But, oh, it's a struggle every day, because the couch is so tempting. But good of you to listen to your body. If you are starting to not feel well, don't push yourself too hard--you can make yourself really sick that way. Stay healthy, stay focused, and have a great weekend! Report Inappropriate Comment

Sexy by Christmas Bootcamp - Day 16

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I just got home from a long day of shopping! I walked for at least an hour and a half around the town looking for Christmas presents to all my loved ones. I found a cute skirt for Amanda and a little something for Tommi (I already have bought a few things for him), and the book I ordered for my mom (Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) arrived today! Now I only have to get something for my grandma and dad. It would be so much easier to buy gifts if I had more money! But as a student my budget is pretty limited. The presents aren't the main thing though, I think what makes Christmas special is the company of your friends and family, and just enjoying the holidays the best way you can.

So far, I'm doing really well with my goals. It's only 6:02 pm here in Finland so I'll have to update this post later when I know how the rest of the day went.

- 1200-1550 calories
- 12+ glasses of water
- 6+ servings of fruit and veggies
- 60+ mins of cardio
- no candy/junk food
- 30 mins of strength training; abs

Here's a few pictures of me on my way out earlier today:






Bye for now! :)

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZANNACHAN 12/16/2009 11:38AM

Wow, that does hit how far away you really are--it's not even noon here. I'm not ready for evening yet! LoL Sounds like you had another productive and successful day! It's wonderful to see how you've been able to stay so on target and still live your life--do your Christmas shopping, go skating with your sister, finish papers for school, whatever. And congrats on being almost done on your Christmas shopping! Soon you'll be able to just relax and enjoy the holiday. Report Inappropriate Comment

IUHRYTR 12/16/2009 11:14AM

It sounded strange reading that it's night there. I forget how far away from the U.S. you are. Good for you for staying within your guidelines. You have great willpower. Keep it up. -- Lou Report Inappropriate Comment

Sexy By Christmas Bootcamp - Day 15 - Fun pictures

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hey everyone!

Today I've been a little more productive than yesterday (it's not like I wasn't being productive yesterday - after all I did do some serious cleaning! Haha.) since I had to write two essays for school and send them by midnight today. They turned out pretty well! I just wish I'd learn to do things early on and not put them off until the last minute. I only seem to function when a deadline is looming above my head. But at least I'm done now and I won't have to think about school for almost a month now!

I worked out in the morning today, and it turned out to be a good solution. That way it's done and I won't have to think about it in the evening when I have a lot to do and may even get a little lazy. I worked out for 30 minutes (full body workout) and walked for additional 45 minutes around the town when Tommi and I went to the movies to see A Christmas Carol. It was so beautiful and touching, and Jim Carrey really was amazing as he always is.

It's been ridiculously cold for the past two days. I'm thinking of buying a thicker winter coat. We'll see though, I'm probably going shopping tomorrow - I still need to buy a few Christmas presents too!

Here's how I did today:

- 1200-1550 calories - GOAL MET :)
- 12+ glasses of water - GOAL MET :)
- 6+ servings of fruit and veggies - GOAL NOT MET :(
- 60+ mins of cardio - GOAL NOT MET :( - walked for 45-50 minutes which is good considering the freezing weather!
- no candy/junk food - GOAL MET :)
- strength training: full body; 30 minutes - GOAL MET! :)

So, what I need to focus on tomorrow is getting enough of those fruit and veggies - and getting enough of cardio! Tomorrow I'll meet ALL my goals, I promise!!

Oh, I forgot to show you these pictures from last weekend when Amanda and I went ice skating!:











There was snow where my parents live!! So beautiful! Actually, there is now snow in Lahti, too! I love it!

I hope you're all well!! HUGS!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANSASC 12/16/2009 8:03AM

Cute pictures! I reached all of my goals yesterday! So day one was a success... now if I can just keep it up. We are supposed to get our fist snow here in western Kentucky on Saturday. Right now it is 21 degrees outside and just TWO DAYS ago it was 60 degrees. Crazy weather!! Have fun on your break and well done on your boot camp! Report Inappropriate Comment

ZANNACHAN 12/15/2009 7:43PM

You and your sister look like you had a lot of fun skating. I used to love ice skating; I haven't had the opportunity to do it in years, though. You did pretty well, despite not meeting all of your goals. If the weather is as cold there as it was here a few days ago, I wouldn't have wanted to spend even 30 minutes out in it! Brrr. But I do like walking when it's snowing out--big, fluffy flakes. It's so quiet and beautiful. Congrats on getting your papers done and in on time! I'm like you--I often need that adrenaline rush of a deadline it seems to get stuff done, and that's an aspect of my personality that frustrates me. One of my other spark friends posted a blog about procrastinating, and how it was really a passive-aggressive act on oneself--unconscious undermining of one's goals, so either you cannot be successful or can not do as well, in part because of a fear of success. I think there is also an element of being overwhelmed by what ever it is your are procrastinating on, and so rather than just deal with it you sweep it under the rug until that deadline knocks you over the head and you panic and pull an all-nighter trying to get everything done on time. It's something I really need to work on. Report Inappropriate Comment

IUHRYTR 12/15/2009 7:36PM

Enjoy your break from school. Let us know your grades. Thanks for the pictures. Haven't seen snow like that since 1981 in Illinois. Looks as if you had a fun time. -- Lou Report Inappropriate Comment

Sexy by Christmas Bootcamp - Day 14

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ten more days and it's Christmas!

Tommi and I spent the entire day cleaning the flat and putting up Christmas decorations. I'm so exhausted now but at least we're done now! We're putting the tree up tomorrow and then we're done - then we can just relax and enjoy the holidays! This was such a busy day and I completely underestimated how long it would take us to complete the cleaning, and I was planning to work out in the evening. We were done around 8 and then we had to go grocery shopping. By the time we got back home I was starving and decided to have dinner before working out. BAD IDEA. When I was done eating, it was already over 10 pm and I was so full and so tired that there was no way I could work out.

I feel really bad since I've been working out regularly every day for two weeks now and today's the first time I missed a workout. But it's okay, I'll work out as normal tomorrow! I met all my other goals today which was good!

Tomorrow's a new day!

Now it's time to get some sleep. I'm sooo tired!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANSASC 12/15/2009 2:28PM

Just happened along your blog today. I went back and read all of the previous boot camp blogs. WAY TO GO! Don't beat yourself up over missing one day of working out because you are doing amazingly well! I am going to give you a "shout out" on my blog today because I am going to start a version of your boot camp program :o) Report Inappropriate Comment

IUHRYTR 12/14/2009 8:35PM

Way to hang in there. One missed workout won't ruin you. I know you'll bounce back. Lou Report Inappropriate Comment

ZANNACHAN 12/14/2009 6:05PM

I know you'll get back to you work outs tomorrow. And don't feel too guilty--cleaning can be quite the work out in it's own way, and then you went grocery shopping. No wonder you were tired after such a long and physically active day! It sounds like you had a busy and productive day today. I bet by the time you get your tree up, your place will look magical! Report Inappropriate Comment