Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Hello everyone! It's been such a long time since my last update, I hope you guys still remember me!
The past few weeks have been very frustrating and difficult for me. Some days are better than others, but most of the time I feel lonely and desperate. It makes me sad to be so far away from my family and Tommi. I get to see him almost every weekend, but it's killing me that I always have to leave when all I really want is to stay with him where I belong. It would be easier if I enjoyed studying here, but as I wrote here a while back, I really don't. Nothing has changed in that respect, sadly. I really try to focus and stay positive and like the classes I'm taking but it doesn't work. I'm not getting discouraged though, because I know I can always apply somewhere else next spring (or change my major). I just have to suck it up for now and get through this year. I'm glad I came here because this experience has taught me a lot about myself. I now have a much clearer idea of what I want and who I am. This is a valuable lesson for me.
Food-wise... things have not been going well. I've tried to stop but it felt as though I had no control over myself. I just kept eating and eating mindlessly, mostly because I was feeling so sad and empty inside. My wake-up call was last weekend when I tried on a dress I bought last spring and it didn't fit. It was so devastating to be forced face to face with my problem. I knew I had gained some weight but it really shocked me to actually see proof of that.
So, here I am again. I am committed to change my lifestyle completely. I never want to find myself in this situation again! I want to find balance between my love of food and being fit and healthy. I know my mood will improve as well once I change my eating habits. I can't wait for that to happen. I'm so sick of feeling like this all the time. I'm sick of eating all this food and still feeling empty inside. It's time to make some changes!
Over the next seven months I'm going to...
- start eating healthy and regular meals (1200-1550 calories a day)
- be active here on SparkPeople
- work out more (strength training three times a week for 30 minutes, at least an hour of cardio a day)
- find a balance and learn to enjoy my favorite foods in moderation WITHOUT going overboard
- focus on what makes me happy
- find something more interesting and suitable for me to study (and APPLY to different schools)
- lose 55 pounds (25 kgs)
- be more creative
- learn to love myself unconditionally
- surround myself with the positive at all times!
- find the real me :)))
Those are some of the things I'm going to focus on over the next months. My goal is to lose 50-55 lbs by June 2010. I know I have what it takes to reach that goal. I'm so much stronger than I think! :)
I've been eating healthy meals for the past couple of days and I can already say I feel a lot different. I feel much more calm and relaxed, and the constant frustration and desperation is beginning to fade.
I'll need your help along the way because I know there'll be days I'll just want to give up and eat a box of Oreos or something. So I need to know: Are you with me on this??
This is it. This time I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.
These pictures make me smile.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Good morning, ladies (and gentlemen)!
Most of you are in a deep sleep when I'm writing this but for me it's morning already, and I'm having breakfast (a banana, some low-fat yogurt with muesli, and chamomile tea) and getting ready for school. I only have one 45-minute lecture today. It's grammar. GRAMMAR. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate all kinds of pointless grammatical rules, I couldn't care less. As long as I know how to speak, read and write English - and I think I do - that's fine with me. But no, studying here is all about the grammatical rules and the phonemes and whatnot. One of our professors told us that she has spent the past 15 years studying and examining the letter (or should I say, the PHONEME, the sound) of /i/. Can you believe that? And she's so passionate about it, too.
Anyway, enough about that. I'm feeling much better today. When I get home from school I need to pack since I'm going home for Tommi's grandmother's funeral. She had been very sick for years so, as sad as it is, it's also a sort of relief that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.
It's good to go home and spend time with my family, I haven't seen them in a long time and I really miss them. I only have a week left before midterm and the 8th week (which is always a week off, I can't wait!). Tommi has a fall break at the same time so we're planning to go on a little vacation together. It'll be so much fun!
Okay, I better start getting ready. See you later!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I am so grateful for your kind, encouraging words. I didn't really expect anyone to comment since I haven't been updating in a long time. I really, truly appreciate that so many of you took the time to leave a comment on my blog, it means the world to me.
For the first time in a long time, it feels like I'm not alone with this anymore. It's such a relief. Ever since this morning that I posted my previous entry, I have been feeling a lot better. I feel as though there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing a lot of soul searching today and reading through Wellness articles here on Sparks.
The hopelessness is beginning to fade. Slowly but surely. I know that I have to be strong now. And I realize that this is my life and I have to start living it for myself and stop worrying so much about what other people think of me. Life is much too short for that. Ever since my childhood I have let other people manipulate me and tell me what to do, what to want, what to dream of. It's about time to stop and take a long, hard look at myself. I'm not going to waste my life being sad or doing something I deep down inside don't feel like doing. It's just not worth it.
I'm not giving up. I'll get back on the right track and start taking better care of myself again. I'll stop binging and start working out regularly again (thankfully I've still been walking at least 70 minutes every day to campus and back!). I'm giving myself a year at the Uni studying English philology even though I can't stand it, and if I still hate it next spring, I'll apply somewhere else. I would really love to be a make-up artist or a cosmetician so that's one option if I decide to change schools. We'll see.
The main thing is, there is always an option. I'm not stuck here even though I might feel like it at times. I'm the only one standing in my way. I can make the choices that affect my life. I can decide to be who I am and be happy. And I will.
Thank you, once again, for being so amazing. I'm thanking God for all of you.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I'm going to be completely honest.
The two months I've spent here have been extremely difficult for me. I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point, but I can't say that to anyone because I always want to make people proud and I'm scared to death of letting them down. When people ask me how I'm doing, I always say I'm fine. Deep down, I'm not fine. I haven't been fine in months.
Moving here was a big change for me. I was very scared of living alone in a new town, starting school and meeting new people. I was worried that maybe I had made a wrong choice coming here in the first place - I just kind of drifted here, my parents always wanted me to go to University, and ever since I was a child I've been trying my hardest to live up to their expectations. I don't know what I want - or maybe I do, but I've been pushing it aside for so long that I don't even remember what it is. This is making very little sense but I'll try and explain.
The only reason why I applied here to study English philology was that I want to move abroad and be as fluent in English as possible. I'm not at all interested about the history of the English language or linguistics or phonetics or grammar - and basically, that's what the five-year study program consists of. Five years (or at the rate I'm going, even more)! After the first week, I felt like I had made a big mistake. I'm not interested in learning about the language, it's all so theoretic and dull, I just want to speak it. I keep thinking that maybe I should have gone to the beauty school instead. I just thought that everyone expected me to choose Uni over some beauty school, so I came here. And now I'm stuck here.
I've been so unhappy for weeks now. Every morning I have to force myself out of bed, LITERALLY. I don't know what I want to do. I feel like I'm constantly searching my place in the world without any luck. I just want to be happy. I want to get married and have a family and write novels and poems, but it feels as though that's not enough, the society wants much more. It's all about success. I hate that.
I'm sorry this entry is such a mess. It's just that I have all these thoughts inside my head that I haven't told anyone, and I feel like my head is about to explode.
There is something else, too. A couple of weeks before and after I moved here, I had a relapse. And I'm talking about bulimia. I thought I had recovered, there was nothing wrong for over a year. I was so happy last year, healthy, strong, balanced. And suddenly, when I was going into unfamiliar territory, I fell back into old habits. Maybe it was because it was something familiar and 'safe' (it's difficult to explain if you've never experienced it), maybe it was because I was so very sad and lonely and felt like I didn't belong.
It's over now, has been for a month, but I can't stop eating. I have probably gained almost ten pounds while I've been here. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like something has to change or I'm going to break.
I just don't know what to do.
Writing this down made me feel a little better. I skipped all my classes yesterday and just stayed in bed crying and writing poems.
It's not supposed to be this hard.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I thought it would be nice to post a few pictures of my new home. Remember, it's nothing luxurious since I'm a student with a limited budget - but I think it turned out pretty nice. There are a few things missing, some plants, a few pictures up from the walls. When I have more money I'll focus on getting everything ready.
The windowsills are wide enough for me to sit on! I love that. And I love my little apartment, I think it's beautiful.
Some day when I have time, I'll take my camera and take a few pictures of the city and the building where I live.
I've had a lovely Sunday. I went shopping (AGAIN; I know, I know, I shouldn't. AND I won't, I promised myself to take it easy from now on. It's just so comforting to shop especially now that I feel lonely all the time and miss my family and Tommi. But I know it doesn't help so I'll stop.). Tomorrow my lectures finally start for real and the tutoring period is over. I'm so ready!
Hope you're all enjoying your weekend!
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